Does my list of what I want in a relationship reflect what I can really expect????

[Lookingforperfection]

Have namechanged for this.

I wrote a list this morning of all the things I'd like in a relationship. Is all this achievable?! I wonder if I am asking for too much...

A relationship that is based on give and take, that is loving and open.

In which I am able to be myself.

to be loved, and know I am loved.

to be appreciated, and appreciate in return.

for my children to be loved and treated kindly. I want them to have fun with me and my partner, to laugh together, not to worry about doing something small wrong. I want a partner who wants to spend time having fun with his kids (if he has any) and mine, who is happy seeing his children and mine laughing, relaxing, having fun.

a partner who wants to spend time with me, and lets me know that.

a partner who wants to give me a cuddle, or a hug, or a kiss, and who wants to make love to me - without me asking.

a partner who wants to just "be" with me, even if that is just sitting to watch crap tv, or lying in the bath relaxing and chatting.

a partner who wants to listen to news I've got about my friends, who wants to listen to me work things through in my head, who is interested in what I think.

a partner who wants to know and like my friends, who wants to share life with me, who wants to make my friends his friends.

a happy, open relationship as my children's model for their future relationships.

a partner who shows excitement, pleasure, joy, sadness, emotions.

a partner who wants to treat me once in a while, and who notices when I do something to treat him.

I want to laugh, to have fun, to be enthusiastic, spontaneous, and to enjoy myself in the company of my partner.

a partner who is willing to try new things, to enjoy his life, and to include me in that.

a partner who will look after me if I am sick, who might take time off work once in a while just to have lunch with me if I'm feeling a bit low - who considers how I feel.

I don't know. it sounds like pretty hard work actually, esp listening to your news and treating you, and being always interested in what you've got to say, and looking after you. Sounds like you want to be 'swept off your feet' and adored somewhat. It all sounds a bit needy. sorry to go against the grain, I'm sure youre lovely.

I don't think the treats are that much of a big deal, Yellow. My DH always packs the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen at night, each and every night, just so I don't have to because I dislike it - that feels like a treat to me. And I bought him a new flavour KitKat yesterday as I knew it would excite him. That's not really hard work.

On the other hand, you're right about listening to the news and the work stuff. DH just tried to tell me about a job frustration of his and it was so dull that I made snoring noises and buried my face in a pillow. Ooops.

Thanks. I think the thing is that I don't want a relationship in which many of these things never happen - if that makes sense.

Treats - I'm thinking he might occasionally buy a bunch of flowers, or I might bake a cake for him, or spontaneously go out for dinner, that sort of thing. Not all the time, just once in a while. Or he might do the hoovering, as I hate it because it makes my back ache! Or when I'm tired, he would offer to iron/cook, and vice versa. I don't think that's hard work either. I'm not after expensive presents!

And the work stuff, listening to me, that wouldn't be all the time either - but I don't want to be brushed off, or greeted with a sigh every time I want to say something.

Guess my list is really a reaction to relationships where I've felt some of these things are missing, and I've sometimes felt unlistened to or ignored, or unimportant. I don't want to be adored, but I do want to be valued and appreciated.

I think it boils down to mutual respect, understanding and caring.

totally agree with you OP

More or less except:

Friends - as people have already said
Taking time off work if you feel a bit low - no, that's asking too much IMO
Are you asking to be included in all the new things that he does?
Treats - definitely agree with you - they might be inexpensive/thoughtful things like a curly wurly...or a foot massage.

Personally think it's important to have some friends/activities/work etc that are just for you. So your lives overlap, but not completely - you retain some independence/difference too and have time for yourselves.

Friends - yes, I get that. I have a wide network of friends, and I think what I'm saying is I want my partner to become part of that network. That isn't to say that I want to drag him everywhere I go, but I want him to make an effort to know them. Some he'll get on better with than others, but it would be nice to be in the same social circles sometimes, not always going to things alone or separately.

No, I'm not asking to be included in all the things he does. I agree with you Lovingfreedom - some hobbies etc that are just for you - otherwise there's nothing to talk about! I just don't want everything to be separate.

Do you have a partner currently? Or someone in mind?

Yep agree with previous posters - I have what I would clal a pretty perfect relationship - but I do not always have ALL of your wants at the same time... sometimes hubby is Mr Perfect - sometimes he is Mr Good-enough - you cannot be "happy" all of the time - content is good - or you do not appreciate the great times when they do happen...

Thanks threetomatoes. Yes, I understood exactly what you meant. I didn't mean the list to be stuff that I expect, but don't expect to reciprocate. And it's also meant to be a list of ideals. I know I wouldn't achieve it all the time, and nor would anyone else - no-one is perfect. If I was as perfect as that list all the time, or my partner was, there would be something odd going on I think.

Yes, I agree with your last point about it evolving that way. Unfortunately, my experience is that it seems to start that way, and as you spend more years with someone, some of it falls to the wayside. Familiarity breeds contempt?

I am in a relationship (someone asked further up the thread), but it feels as though it's going a bit off track right now, and I wanted to get some perspective on whether what I actually want from it, for both of us, is realistic or whether I was just in cloud cuckoo land - and whether I was looking for too much. We both feel it's going a bit off track, but we aren't sure how to fix it. Not all the things on the list are missing, or difficult, but enough are for me to question whether it's right. I guess the fact that we have raised our feelings that it's going off track with eachother is a good start.

One thing I have taken from this is that maybe if I lay all this down to him, it will come across as needy. I really don't want to come across as needy, or to put him under so much pressure he feels defensive. Maybe we both need to think about the top 3 things we want from our relationship and see if they match. His may be different, we both need to compromise, we may find we call it a day.

Problem with lists like this is that it can take 2 years before you realise the boxes are no longer being ticked!

Many people, both men and women make huge efforts to impress in the honeymoon period. It's when the daily grind an drudgery sets in that the cracks begin to show.

Throw step kids and ex partners into the mix and it can make it even harder!

If I have 10 must haves and 6 are being ticked I think that's not too bad.