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Anyone have a DP who's a really picky eater? (Long)

218 replies

gail734 · 21/01/2013 10:42

When I got married, I couldn't really cook. I was still living like a student and I was always on a diet. I'd never cooked for more than myself, so you don't exactly learn how to roast a chicken or bake a cake, do you? I was keen to learn though. Four years of rejected dinners later, I have to work really hard to reassure myself that I'm not a bad cook. My DH is an infuriatingly picky eater. Night after night, his dinner goes in the bin. Sometimes I'm sitting eating the same meal thinking, "This is nice." He'll push it around, eat maybe a third of it, then give up. He knows better than to say, "This isn't like my mum's", but that's part of it. Incidentally, I've had his mum's cooking and it really is awful. He's a 33 year old man and I once, when I'd identified a meal that he would eat, gave it to him every night for a week! (It was chicken, new potatoes and salad.) He ate it happily, night after night, then eventually he requested a change. I'm so sick of this and it causes arguments. He never cooks. I think it's disrespectful, if someone has gone to the bother of cooking for you, to refuse to eat it. I grew up in a kind of "clear your plate" home, whereas he would have been allowed to leave whatever he wanted. He'll cover his food in salt and pepper before tasting it, and also go directly from his abandoned dinner to get a packet of crisps, which I find outrageously insulting. When he comes home and asks, "What's for dinner?" I don't want to answer him because whatever I say, he'll pull a face. I have gone on strike, once. I didn't cook for a week. He lived on takeaways before apologising and meekly asking me to start cooking again. Anyone ever had anything similar?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2013 14:24

"We get on fine as long as I don't complain! "

Quite a lot of dysfunctional relationships stagger on precisely that way. Does nothing for your self-esteem and does nothing to address his behaviour.

Catchingmockingbirds · 21/01/2013 14:32

Six months ago when I had the baby, I was kept in hospital for a few days. I came home to an utter tip.

The exact same thing happened with me and my ex when I took DS home from the hospital. I persevered and stuck with him for a further 2 years before I ended things. It was the best decision I've ever made, I'm now with a great DP (despite his food fussiness :o!) and we're getting married next year.

His fussiness with food isn't the problem here I don't think, as I said upthread I've got a houseful of very fussy eaters including me and it doesn't cause huge problems, it's his lack of respect for you that's the issue.

AnyFucker · 21/01/2013 14:41

There is something deeply unsexy about a fussy man.

Catchingmockingbirds · 21/01/2013 14:45

I'd need to disagree with you there anyfucker!

Helltotheno · 21/01/2013 15:00

I don't see a need for people to be 'fussy eaters' unless there's an allergy/illness issue. If fussy eaters were put on an island, they'd stop being fussy eaters quick smart and start harpooning whales 'n shiz...

A first world prob imo.

The OP's DH's prob is bigger than food though...

Spanglemum · 21/01/2013 15:03

I would echo what others have said and suggest you look into ASD/Aspergers, though it can be very difficult to get a diagnosis as an adult. That does not excuse the laziness, rudeness and entitledness.

My DH is a much better cook than me and does most of the cooking. He has a few issues around food. On the rare occasions he has complained about something I've made I lost no time in telling him how rude he was being. Does your DH know he's rude? Does he work? Is he useless there as well?

You don't have to stay married for cultural or religious reasons.

Good luck

AnyFucker · 21/01/2013 15:09

We can agree to disagree, catching Smile

I bet your bloke is lovely despite being a bit silly about food. This bloke here is using food as a weapon to hurt his wife. A very different prospect.

gail734 · 21/01/2013 15:17

Spanglemum If I point out how rude he's being, I always get the same answer: When he was growing up, there was no "eat your dinner" pressure. If he didn't want it, he simply left it and that was fine. It's not like he says to me, "I can't eat this, it's disgusting." He just rises, goes into the kitchen and scrapes it into the bin. He'll do that whether it's noodles or fillet steak. Sometimes he's done it four nights in a row. I'm obviously a bit angry about this and sometimes say something. He does work, he's always in bother in work for taking longer than everyone else to get through the work. He's very methodical, he probably checks his work again and again instead of just rushing through it like everyone else. He stays late to get it all done. When he comes home he just sits down in front of the tv. Growing up, his dad had a really good job. He provided lots of money - he wouldn't have been expected to do anything in the house.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/01/2013 15:21

Okay ignoring other aspects of life with him - how about if you just say,
"I'm eating a main meal at lunchtime, I am just having something very simple like soup or scrambled eggs or a cheese toastie in the evening. If you don't fancy that get yourself something substantial to eat at lunchtime and we'll eat something snacky together at home".

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/01/2013 15:21

This isn't just about food though, is it.

gail734 · 21/01/2013 15:30

Actually, one of his main complaints about my food is that I give him too much. Trying to fill him up, so he doesn't eat crisps, which has come to really bother me. And Donkeys, he can't eat the food in the staff canteen at work! He often eats nothing all day, and comes home starving. He still can't eat my cooking though. I sometimes wonder if he has, like, a dulled sense of taste. He enjoys nothing.

OP posts:
MrsPennyapple · 21/01/2013 15:37

I was going to suggest saying what I used to say to my ex-h: "When YOU'RE cooking, YOU can decide what we have." Or when asked what's for dinner: "Whatever you decide to cook, darling." But that was back at the start of the thread. Having read the rest, I wouldn't even bother. I just don't see what you are getting out of this relationship, nor do I see any way that this can possibly change.

I understand your stubbornness. I speak as someone who stayed in a physically abusive relationship for three years, having moved out of home at 17, against my mother's wishes, to be with this man. One of the main reasons I stuck it out was because I thought "I've made my bed, I have to lie in it."

Well, you don't. You don't have to stay with this man.

FireOverBabylon · 21/01/2013 15:48

OP, how old is your DD; ifyou're on maternity leave, is she even weaned yet?

I would be concerned about the messages that her dad is onveying to her about food; does he see his behaviour around food as abnormal i.e. as something that he doesn't want to pass on to his daughter.

As an aside, your post further up the thread mentioned "If I left him, he'd presumably get one-to-one access to her every weekend, which he doesn't get just now." Why doesn't he spend 1:1 time with his baby daughter now?

Lueji · 21/01/2013 15:53

You "give" him too much?
Can't he serve himself?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/01/2013 15:58

He just rises, goes into the kitchen and scrapes it into the bin.

And how does that make you feel?

He still can't eat my cooking though.

Can't, or won't?

He enjoys nothing.

Sounds like he enjoys making you feel like shit, actually.

Lueji · 21/01/2013 16:00

What strikes me on all this is how he is kept alive if he's eating so little.
Surely he must eat at work or something?
Or just eats crisps?

Dozer · 21/01/2013 16:06

Why are you still cooking for / doing domestics for him?!

Dozer · 21/01/2013 16:08

My friend had a manchild like this, she left him, he got a new girlfriend, who does all the hard work during access visits from the DC at weekends. He found another mug!

forgetmenots · 21/01/2013 16:12

My DF is like this. He is generally a lovely man but I do not know how my DM has not poured his dinner over him before now. Withdrawal of labour is a definite and very basic next step.

Dozer · 21/01/2013 16:13

Let him eat crisps!

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 21/01/2013 16:14

Any culture which opposes marriage breakdown is primitive barbarian misogyny and should be rejected. Fuck all this 'respect' for groups of people who think it's OK to pressure women into accepting abuse for their entire lives.

OP, trying to convince yourself to accept subhuman status and obey your master will make you ill in the long run. Resentment poisons you. I would strongly suggest that you find out your options WRT ending this shitty marriage - would it be better to throw him out of the house or leave with DD? How much maintenance would you get, and what would be available by way of maintenance? Make sure you have all this information, because women-hating men like your H will lie when told that they are unsatisfactory and therefore duped. He will tell you that he won't pay maintenance, that he will get custody of DD, etc etc, and it will all be bullshit. He's contemptible, so don't waste any time or effort worrying about his feelings, just concentrate on looking after yourself and DD. As to the fact that he will eat crisps rather than cook, let him. His diet is no longer your problem.

YulaBaker · 21/01/2013 16:18

I have ASD and a really big problem with food.

I could eat something one day, but the next it would make me gag.

Food can't touch and has to be separate. I would separate foods that need it ,ie fish and batter, I seperate chicken from a sauce etc. if bean juice touches anything I couldn't eat what was on the plate, even the opposite side of the beans, but love beans in the juice.

Things have to be eaten in order and I can't eat out the house. I did a six hour shift today (normally only four) and was starving but couldn't eat.

I have to psyc myself up for eating. its a battle.

We went to Spain in the summer for two weeks and on day 4 I was crying and begging to be fed through a drip.

My main issue is texture...serious issue with texture. I'm hungry now but don't want to put anything in my mouth. anything overly gloopy, dry, hard, etc.

I'm never ever rude to others through it through (my hunger has caused meltdowns, but thats different imo)

Lueji · 21/01/2013 16:20

His diet has never been your problem. He's an adult.

AnyFucker · 21/01/2013 16:24

I don't understand how you can stay with someone who sucks the joy out of life in this way.

How fucking grim. One life we get. Just one.

BranchingOut · 21/01/2013 16:24

Would he eat anything you could freeze? eg. Shepherd's pie.

Having read the thread and taken on board that you don't want to LTB or anything drastic, I suggest the following:

Clear out the freezer
Buy a stack of foil or plastic containers.
Make a huge batch of something he will eat, in individual portions.
Defrost and warm it up for him each day.

Tell him that he has 20 meals, or whatever, in there. This is to allow him time to work out some meals that you can both eat and that he will cook at least once a week, every week.

BUT - once those ready made meals are gone you won't be making any more. From that point forward, he is either going to suggest meals he will eat, eat the food you make and also cook for you all on a regular basis.