Anyone have a DP who's a really picky eater? (Long)

[gail734]

When I got married, I couldn't really cook. I was still living like a student and I was always on a diet. I'd never cooked for more than myself, so you don't exactly learn how to roast a chicken or bake a cake, do you? I was keen to learn though. Four years of rejected dinners later, I have to work really hard to reassure myself that I'm not a bad cook. My DH is an infuriatingly picky eater. Night after night, his dinner goes in the bin. Sometimes I'm sitting eating the same meal thinking, "This is nice." He'll push it around, eat maybe a third of it, then give up. He knows better than to say, "This isn't like my mum's", but that's part of it. Incidentally, I've had his mum's cooking and it really is awful. He's a 33 year old man and I once, when I'd identified a meal that he would eat, gave it to him every night for a week! (It was chicken, new potatoes and salad.) He ate it happily, night after night, then eventually he requested a change. I'm so sick of this and it causes arguments. He never cooks. I think it's disrespectful, if someone has gone to the bother of cooking for you, to refuse to eat it. I grew up in a kind of "clear your plate" home, whereas he would have been allowed to leave whatever he wanted. He'll cover his food in salt and pepper before tasting it, and also go directly from his abandoned dinner to get a packet of crisps, which I find outrageously insulting. When he comes home and asks, "What's for dinner?" I don't want to answer him because whatever I say, he'll pull a face. I have gone on strike, once. I didn't cook for a week. He lived on takeaways before apologising and meekly asking me to start cooking again. Anyone ever had anything similar?

[Lueji]

I put the baby down, told him he was a dick and rolled up my sleeves. I didn't want my visitors to come into that.

Maybe they should have...


TBH, I'd do enough so that my place looked good enough, my clothes and baby's were clean, and we had food to eat.

I'd let him do his own laundry, his own food and buy his own groceries.

And FGS, stop putting things on the table for him. Let him go and get all the condiments he wants and let him put his own food on his plate. Whatever he wants to eat, but then should eat it.

[gail734]

There have been times when I've gone away for the weekend, just to get away from him, but I've kind of decided that he upsets me as much as I let him, so I choose to not let it bother me. I outsource the ironing, which helps. He's out at work all day.
FireOverBabylon: When I say he does nothing, I mean nothing. He's never bathed the baby, fed her. He's taken her for a walk maybe twice, will change a nappy if I ask him directly, which I very rarely do. If I ask him to hold the baby for a minute, she'll be in her bouncy chair when I come back in the room. He's not interested in her. She's six months old and I'm just weaning her now. She was previously EBF. When I was breastfeeding her he was always going on about how I was overfeeding her, she'd end up obese! I've never left her alone with him. He says that I "spoil" her by going to her when she cries. So, he thinks an infant's food should be rationed and they should be left to cry - would you let him babysit?

[PeppermintPasty]

Blimey that's not nice.

So he's deeply jealous of the baby and deeply resentful of all the attention she gets by the sound of it.

[NotGoodNotBad]

What's the point of him?

[NeedlesCuties]

But it's not 'babysitting' - she is his DD!

I have a DD a month younger and I'd be fecked if DH treated me the way yours treats you. He is laughing at you, taking the total mick.

She's his flesh and blood, he should want to interact with her.

You're his wife, he should want to spend time with you, be nice to you etc etc.

But he doesn't. He's an arse.

[NettleTea]

was he like this when you met him. he must have been nice at some point for you to have married him surely?

[expatinscotland]

What AnyFucker said. He's EA wanker. But it's your life to throw away staying with him.

[Bogeyface]

And you are still with him.....why?

You're not listening are you? either put up with him and stop moaning, or get pro-active and move on!

[Bogeyface]

Just a hunch, but what is sex like?

Is that all about him too?

[Undertone]

Ugh he's just revolting and I don't know how you could bear looking at his miserable, lazy, ungrateful face for the rest of your life. I can see no reason why you should be with him. If you try any more methods of justifying your continued relationship with him you are quite frankly taking the piss.

[Kundry]

If you split, he wouldn't get every weekend as custody. And frankly with his incredible enthusiasm for childcare, he might huff and puff about getting custody to wind you up, but as soon as he actually had to pick her up and do some childcare, his interest would plummet and you wouldn't see him for dust.

I think he'd be gone and you and your DD could have a lovely life that you deserve without him.

Please don't teach your DD that women can do everything because they have to be slaves to abusive wankers. You have loads of time to get rid and if you want, find someone much much better.

[ladyWordy]

Oh....good....grief. There's nothing you can do with that.

Whatever his problem is - and he has a few - he doesn't want to change. So now it's your problem. :(

What do you think you'll do?

[gail734]

Look, I am listening! I've told you lot things today that I've never told anyone, ever! I don't think I am moaning, very much. I'm taking responsibility. I've enabled this, I've become a martyr. I'm doggedly determined to not let him beat me! I've just made him a sarcastic cup of tea! I had a tiny chat with him about showing more interest in the baby and he said he will. I'm possibly a bit of a control freak - if I let him cook, he might enjoy it. I ignore him at the moment and he ignores me back. And Bogeyface, since you ask, there has been no sex since dd was born. I'm going to try to connect with him as a partner and not as his mummy/nurse which is not very sexy, even if it sounds a bit pervy!

[AnyFucker]

what is a "sarcastic" cup of tea ?

you made him a cup of tea...that is all he is interested in...you being subservient

don't make the fucking tea !

[gail734]

Tomatoes: I've tried going cold turkey with the cooking, if you'll pardon the pun. It does not work. It's like letting a seven year old loose in the kitchen. I do not want to live in a tip of dirty pots. He'll get up, go to work, and I can either clean it up or just ignore it all day. Maybe I'm a bit obsessive. I'm going to scale back the cooking and gradually encourage him to join in. i think, like a child, that he'd enjoy something he'd cooked himself. I'm going to try to work with him. God forgive me for being stupid, but I thought the baby would give us something in common again. It did not cross my mind that he'd see her as competition.

[AnyFucker]

It did not cross my mind that he'd see her as competition.

And you are willing to live with that ?

Your poor daughter

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

What is the point of him? He's nothing but a drain on you. Whether you cook for him or don't cook for him, he sucks your time, your joy, your self-respect...

Why stay with him? Why? Do you really feel you deserve no better than this punishing lifestyle, where every day the food you cook is thrown out in front of you as worthless? Where you are the sole drudge for ALL the mess and housework for all 3 of you? Where you feel the need to get away from him just for the weekend?

There is a better life out there for you. I hope you take steps to grab it soon.

[ladyWordy]

I can see you're the determined type, gail, but this is working against you and especially against your daughter.

I had a friend who stayed stuck in an EA relationship, partly because she absolutely refused to give in - and also felt she had to stay put because 'she'd made her bed....'. etc. It wasn't the only reason she stayed too long, but her admirable quality of determination did much more harm than good in that relationship.

One thing though: she was very determined to find a new and better partner after he left. And she did!

You could do this too. And even if you didn't want a new partner, it's clear that your workload would be instantly lighter, as would your spirits: your daughter would be safer and happier too.

What do you think. Could you use your determination to start building a new life tomorrow? Think: what if he left of his own accord, tomorrow, to be with a star struck lover back in his 200 miles + distant home town (we wish).

What would you do first? (Again... You don't have to answer).

[Bogeyface]

You say you may be a bit obsessive. Obsessive is walking in to your home after giving birth, running a finger along the skirting boards and then getting the bleach out. You had to gut the place because he had done NOTHING. That is not obsessive, that is selfish and lazy on his part.

I am sorry for what I said earlier, or rather I am sorry for the way I said it. It just seemed that you were making excuses for him and that isnt right. You shouldnt have to do what you are doing just because he cant be arsed.

He promises he will make more effort with your baby, but you know he isnt going to, dont you?

I think that you have come to the point where you have to decide whether you are going to be a mother to 2 children, or a single parent to one.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He doesn't sound much of a catch, I'm sorry. I hope he's kind, and unselfish. We all have off days and yes he goes to work and does his bit for family income but come on OP.

I've kissed a couple of frogs, who hasn't. Did you pursue him, mistaking his inability to communicate as some charismatic, noble sensitivity? (been there). Did his good looks and boyish grin mask a yawning deficiency in maturity and self reliance? (got the T shirt). I'm not pretending to have all the answers but I think you need to ask yourself some questions.

This odd pairing I could understand at the outset of a partnership but after so long putting up with this, it's not a marriage of equals. I once read, babies aren't glue for wonky relationships, they're hand grenades.

It's short-changing yourself and worse, setting up DD to think this is how adults are, it must be because Mummy and Daddy live like this. You're her role models, this will be a template for her future relationships: she'll take this all in.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

I come from a family that will not tolerate marriage breakdown

What? You are an adult - you can decide what your own beliefs/morals/standards are.

Do your family think you should stay despite the abuse?

Fucking hell, wise up love. He's adding nothing to your life and syphoning all the life and energy out of you. You cannot let your DD grown up in this environment and he will not change he doesn't have any incentive to, whatsoever.

[deleted203]

Just don't cook for him. I'd tell him 'you don't like my cooking? Then cook your own'. And that would be the end of the conversation. Why are you bothering? I'm buggered if I'd have spent 4 YEARS watching someone push food round their plate and pull faces at me.

[tallwivglasses]

Just caught up with this thread. It has made me very depressed.
Dump.The.Fucker.