I don't like my step-daughter. Am I evil?

[missmaryp]

I feel pretty horrible.

To put this in perspective - I don't particularly like some of my friends children, because we are all individuals at the end of the day - and some people grate on others.

The stepdaughter in question is 7, I've known her since she was 3, nearly 4, and my dislike for her has stayed pretty much the same throughout. I suppose it's the way she has been bought up, which is quite different to my own daughter, and she just irritates me.

I've tried, really tried, to act like a bloody adult and get over it. Just recently, I decorated and carpeted our spare room for her for when she stays over as a way of trying to give us a fresh start in my own mind. It hasn't worked. Whenever she stays over for the weekend, I can feel that I'm not my usual self, because I'm basically forced to spend time with somebody I don't want to - and who irritates my own daughter as well.

I'm well aware this is embarrassing, childish behaviour. But I don't know how to stop the way I feel.

Me and her dad aren't getting on so well at the moment either, of course I've never vocalised my feelings but he's not stupid, he can see that I chance when she's around.

Has anyone been in a similar position who can offer advice on how I can sort myself out? Or is walking away and letting him find someone who truly cares for his daughter the kind/best thing to do?

P.S I really am aware that my feelings are awful, and I would appreciate constructive advice rather than confirmation that I'm a bitch.

[TwitterQueen1]

ZOMBIE THREAD
and reported for ^ nastiness

[bufin]

ZOMBIE THREAD . LavenderRose, you will get the wrong help if you don't start your own thread.

[Barbaro]

End the relationship. It's not right to continue.

I think really since you don't like other peoples children too, the issue isn't her. It's you. It's not a massive problem though, I think you just feel a bit jealous of the attention children get, as they do get far more attention than adults. Makes sense when she gets attention for being endearing for not speaking correctly and you hate that. That's probably making you not like them for an unknown reason to you.

But until you get that issue resolved, if it is that, being in a relationship with someone who has kids will never work for you. It can be resolved if you want it to be.

[Rudi44]

Speaking as a former child who was in exactly the same situation my step mothers very obvious dislike of me has stayed with me into adulthood and has shaped the person I have become. It's not like you are even giving examples of bad behaviour from this child, just that she is irritating and immature.

She is 7, perhaps you should try and have some empathy for this little girl who's parent she have split up and she is forced to share her dad with a woman who doesn't like her. Poor kid.

[Ummiy786]

I completely understand. I met my step daughter when she was 2. She always was withdrawn and sulky and I gave her room to adjust and didn't hold it against her. She's 6 now and quite unpleasant unless you're doting on her or out visiting family . She's very needy for her father's attention. It's never unreasonably withheld. Perhaps he is talking to me or busy working. Normal things. I just don't know what to do about how I feel. I know she's a child and important and only knows her feelings as point of reference since her understanding of the world and her parents divorce is limited. I just struggle to cope because it's challenging every single week. I can't intervene much because most of the time she's with her mum and other step family so DSD (dear step daughter) does have issues she has to deal with. I don't get offended or take things personally but I feel step parents need a platform to vent how they feel without guilt or fear of looking like the villain. I guess we need support in dealing with our feelings. Sometimes I feel disparity because what can I really do about it? I just want to not feel so crappy every week. Shes never happy to come to us but when she's with us she has a nice time most of the time. When things don't go her way and we stay home for the day and have an average family day she starts to sulk and says strange things about my DS and that she wishes her parents were still married. She looks for problems and complains about unrelated issues all the time, so it's not easy anymore for me to engage authentically and emotionally with her. I don't know the real her.

[Irishtwinmumma]

Imagine if your partner hated your DD and he has to live with her! How would that feel?

[BlankTimes]

@Ummiy786

@Irishtwinmumma

This thread is a zombie.

Read the last couple of pages.

It was started in January 2013

[Coyoacan]

I know this is very much a zombie thread, but my heart breaks for these unloved children. I too find that there are children I don't like for no good reason, but I do not then insert myself into their lives.

[Ummiy786]

These kids aren't always unloved. My DSD is well loved by both sets of her parents and she's always pitied and spoiled by all 4 sides of her family but she is still difficult to cope with because of how she deals with her emotions. She's 6 and there's so much self pity. When she's "sad" she pulls all sorts of reasons out of her sad hat. There's a mixture of issues relating to her parents being divorced and normal issues most kids face. Like her saying "my mommy doesn't love me because she scolded me". Every mother scolds at some point. Think of how step moms feel when they do their best to reach out to their kids and still they are met with unsuccess and unrequited love. It's easier to swallow if your own child is giving you crap but when someone else's child is always wonder "is it because I'm not your real mom, I can never be your real mom even if I try". As a mother it's hurtful regardless if it's your biological child or not

[Coyoacan]

These kids aren't always unloved. My DSD is well loved by both sets of her parents I'm so glad. I was not talking about stepchildren in general, I was talking about the particular stepchildren whose fathers have married women who haven't liked them from the beginning

[Chugger77]

Walking away is the best solution. She didn’t ask for this situation and for you to not like her doesn’t bode well for the future. Let him go and find someone without children who will probably suit you better

[Whitewind1026]

Children are people too. It's perfectly acceptable to not like a person for no reason at all. Of course it's not ideal, but it does happen & to everyone. We all have unjustly disliked and probably been disliked back too!!! On a side note.... All those people who acted so shocked and the ones who got rude.....I mean, seriously?!? My thoughts are they are simply lying, or secretly a hater but still in complete denial, or they just don't actually know any kids. Of course it's okay to not like a kid just because it's a kid!

[48hopeful]

OMG your life is identical to mine my step kids have made my life and my 3 kids lives hell for the last 4yrs!! made me extremely depressed. They are very very spoiled brats to be honest and try everything to ruin what should be a fantastic weekend my partner knows he is partly to blame but still does nothing to change the situation so last year I made a stand and told him no more they now no longer come down at weekends he spends the day with them I feel terrible but this was mine and my children’s home for years before he moved in and enough was finally enough. I did try counciling which did help but they also have to learn to accept their fathers relationship it has been a terrible experience to be honest I would love to get married but just Carnt see it ever being accepted by his children or his family so no you are Not evil at all just human xx

[Agentornika]

Who keeps dredging up old threads, I've seen about 6 so far!

[48hopeful]

Hi everyone been feeling in a no win situation with my relationship for a while now I was on my own for many years after a very bad relationship with 3 children I decided it was time to give love another go so I looked and met a lovely man who I totally fell in love with and who my kids totally adore. However he has 2 children who are on the spectrum one in their 20s and one at 13 plus a family who were set on trying their hardest to split us up as my bloke moved away from them to be with me he sees his kids 2 nights a week till late and all day Saturday but it’s still not enough for any of them we’ve been together 5yrs now and nearly got married once but due to his daughter who just couldn’t handle the fact that she is not his only love in his life we cancelled it 🙁 this has deeply upset me as I now know he will never have the guts to ever do it for fear of upsetting her we are both in our late 40s and I just want to start living my life now I don’t think I’m being selfish I understand he loves this kid even though she isn’t really his he is her dad but that surely does not mean she can rule our lives does it??? I’m now at the point now where I’m feeling very unimportant and constantly second best so should I call it a day? his kid hates me and has made our home and my kids lives so so miserable for the last 5yrs I kept thinking it will pass but it never does his family are very heavily involved with his kids and constantly fill his children’s heads with very poisonous thoughts this is a no win situation I’m thinking my partner says “we love each other so we should see it through together “ it’s so hard though what’s a girl to do eh? HELP

[Xenon888]

Yes..... You are evil

[Chey11312]

I'm in the same situation. I have known my sd since she was 5 and I have a son who was 3 when me and my husband got together we now have our own son and another on the way. We have my sd every other day but mostly more then her mother. I cant stand my step daughter. She acts just like her mother who I mostly get along with for my husband's sake. But she is very messy, talks back and yells, doesn't listen at all, and is such a bad influence in my sons. Shes older then my boys and tries to get them into trouble and blame them I cant punisher her cuz my husband steps in I know for the most part it's a father thing.. nothing like fathers only daughter and treats her different which drives me insane.. I also act different when shes at my house I'm more stressed and am very ugh I camt stand how I am when shes around and I'm pretty sure my husband knows cuz when shes not here I'm back to my peppy self and we are perfectly fine.. idk what to do either but I'm glad I'm not alone

[Melsie1]

Hi
I completely understand how you feel. Most people won't though, people can't deal with the fact that we can dislike a child. I have 1 son and 2 stepdaughters. I can't stand the little one, she's 5 and she's been coming every single weekend since she's 1. She isn't even a bad kid, just speaks loud and annoying, I can't stand her personality and she gets away with murder all the time. My son also was raised very differently... I hate myself for hating her, cause it's wrong, but I've been trying for years to change my feelings and she just gets under my skin. So I get you. No it's not right, but we need to get help or leave. Cause if I found out someone hated my son the way I hate this kid, I'd be mortified. I'm always very nice to her, but it takes all my energy, I cry when I'm alone thinking that I'll have to see her 3 days a week forever. I just wish I could really love her. I think professional help is our best bet and if that doesn't work, we can't stay.

[Troyal6449]

I'm in the same situation and I would just like to praise you for being honest. I know I'm late but just leave. When you dislike someone that bad, it doesn't get better

[Hatheavy]

missmaryp if you’re still out there please give us an update! I would love to see what happened 6 years into the future after this post. Right now I’m in the exact same position as you were in 2013 (except my relationship is doing pretty well, though the parenting issues threaten to eventually drive a wedge).
It is SO painful to watch the ex emotionally abuse SD and DP and it is undeniably affecting my own two kids.
I know SD is just a kid but she has so few redeeming qualities to make up for the horrid ones, and I can only do so much to help her when her bio parents don’t seem to know the time of day.
Did you leave? Did things improve? How is your daughter doing?

[JLT15]

Hi,
I’ve just read this forum which I’ve realised is now 7 years old!!
But I was wondering how things turned out?
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, and we’ve had some rough patches but I love him to pieces. He has two stepchildren that live two hours away and he would do anything for them which I’ve always admired. I’m a teacher so most people presume that I love all children (which I normally do, and I normally know how to deal with them) but it’s sometimes not the case. Each person has a personality and sometimes someone’s will grate on or clash with yours.

In this case, my eldest stepdaughter drives me crazy!!!! I find her incredibly obnoxious, she will lie to gain attention for herself, she will lie about others if she feels they are receiving more attention than she is, and she is weirdly possessive over her dad. At first, I was really understanding and felt sorry for her that she had to share her dad with me when she saw him so little (he lost the court case battle because Mum now has two younger children with her new husband and the court sided with them staying with their sisters). But now, I find it bizarre! She’s almost 14 and if her dad kisses me and tells me he loves me, she asks for a kiss immediately after and tells him she loves him more!!!! Between the age of 12 and 16, I didn’t kiss my dad once - it was too embarrassing to show affection! But she is all over him - argues with his youngest to hug him!

I absolutely adore his youngest - love her like she’s my own. She constantly asks when me and dad are having a baby and getting married, and she’s beautiful inside and out. The eldest just shit stirs between everyone and seems to get off on causing arguments, and tells her dad that she doesn’t want him to remarry or have more children - when she knows that it would be a dealbreaker for me!!!

Finding it really tough - don’t know how to overcome it! Please help - I don’t want to lose what I have with my boyfriend but I’m worried that this resentment will continue to fester!

[Flipsockflop]

@JLT15 you’d be better starting your own thread as many wont find your post when they see the date on the OP. Also if the OP has changed username or email you won’t get an answer from them either

[Ajjjj22]

Hi missmaryp

I know this is a really old thread now but I’m very keen to know how you dealt with the situation? I’m in a very similar situation that you were! 3 years later and nothing is improving…