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Original poster

Can you really end a marriage over snoring?!

44 replies

jellyrolly · 19/01/2013 16:35

I love my DH. He snores. He needs to lose a couple of stone and then he will stop snoring. I have always maintained we sleep in the same bed even though it means he wakes me up a lot, otherwise we are just flatmates. We have been married 8 years, together 10 but for the last year or so I have asked him to sleep in the spare room just so I can have a full nights sleep which helps but I hate us sleeping apart.

This morning, after another night of being woken up, he got up with DCs so I could have a lie in. They all fell out and were yelling so I didn't sleep anyway. This afternoon I flopped down on the sofa and DH suggested I go and have a lie down. I had one of those moments when something in your head changes. I told him I was moving into the spare room as I can't go on without proper sleep. He just looked sad but didn't say much so I have moved some of my stuff and that seems to be that.

I know it sounds like I said it to get a reaction but really I am soooo tired of having the same conversation 'you need to lose weight' 'yeah I know, I try' but nothing changes. I have a headache all the time, I'm snappy, make mistakes, I look like shit, I'm biting my nails again, I'm just exhausted. I feel like he should just go on a diet but he is letting our relationship just fizzle out instead.

I need some perspective, it doesn't help that I'm tired but I think once you move into a seperate room there isn't much coming back from that is there?

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 19/01/2013 16:39

It doesn't have to be the end. You can be loving, have sex etc and have your own rooms. It can work.

littlemisssunny · 19/01/2013 16:40

I can really sympathise with what you are saying, my husbands snoring drives me crazy, I can't remember the last time I had a really good nights sleep!

We don't have a spare room anyway, but I am tempted to just sleep in the boys bedroom on the floor!

Has he been to a doctor about this? Perhaps you moving into the spare room might give him the kick up the backside he needs? Why not tell him if he goes to the doctor and makes an effort you'll move back into the bed?

My husband refuses to do anything but I haven't got an ultimatum to use really, it drives me crazy!

NorksAreMessy · 19/01/2013 16:43

We have been married for 25 years.
After 3 years of terrible nights of DH snoring we decided to make ourselves an equally comfy bedroom each.
We have had two DC, love each other to bits and sleep when we need to in the way we prefer (DH, untidy, functional and freezing cold, me:tidy, Laura Ashley and cosy)

Is the snoring the only problem?

Theoldtriangle · 19/01/2013 16:45

Same here, both in second marriage, v happy, dh snores so we usually sleep in separate rooms. Also hate sleeping apart, but hate lack,of sleep more. If you don't feel guilty it helps, just see it as a normal state of affairs.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 19/01/2013 16:46

It's not really about snoring though is it? It's about a total disregard for you. He knows how much his snoring affects you but he's done feck all about it.

Original poster
jellyrolly · 19/01/2013 16:48

He has seen a doctor yes and it is weight related. On a few occasions he has lost some weight and it does stop.

I thought it was just about the snoring but I'm actually quite hurt he would rather eat what he likes than share a bed with his wife!

I wish I liked the idea of our own rooms but I'm surprised to find it makes me tearful, surprised because I'm normally a fairly unromantic bitch.

OP posts:
Original poster
jellyrolly · 19/01/2013 16:49

Yes it's the disregard for me that upsets me. He is thoughful in other ways, to the point where he gets friends husbands in trouble, they go home saying 'Mr jellyrolly did this and that and the other isn't he wonderful'. Maybe I'm just spoilt?

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 19/01/2013 16:52

Arw you sure the weight loss would stop the snoring?

Would it be worth investigating one of those jaw aligner-thingies?
Has he tried sleeping on more pillows? Tennis ball strapped to his back?

Apologies if all irrelevant. Good luck.

Original poster
jellyrolly · 19/01/2013 16:52

Maybe every marriage has a sticking point and that's the thing I have to live with.

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 19/01/2013 16:55

My husband snores too. Sooo annoying and he's overweight too.

But it must be very difficult to go on a diet if the motivation hasn't come from yourself.

Original poster
jellyrolly · 19/01/2013 16:55

Thank you choco, all suggestions very welcome. He has tried a tennis ball tied in a t-shirt, he just lay on it snoring was quite funny actually. He tried those nose strip things which just ended up everywhere - one morning he got up and one was on his ass.

His brother is an ENT consultant who confirmed it was weight related.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 19/01/2013 16:57

Hi, does he only snore on his back, or does it stop when he is on his side? If so, can I pass on this tip:

(warn him in advance, kindly, that you will) jab him viciously in the ribs with your thumb, at the same time saying very sweetly 'roll over, [pet name]. It hurts. Say it NICELY. Then spoon tightly with your arm around his waist to stop him rolling back until you fall asleep and no longer care. So he gets your kind voice and a cuddle and something painful to move away from. Repeat as necessary. After a while, he will roll over as soon as you ask him unless very drunk.

This is how you get a horse to move in a stable, when they are so much bigger than you. A jab in the ribs with a 'move over'. After a while they respond to just the command, and husbands can be trained in the same way.

Try this first, before you have a head to head conflict.

Original poster
jellyrolly · 19/01/2013 16:57

I know it is hard if you haven't decided yourself, I do understand. I lost a stone myself in the last few months so I'm a bit 'well I can do so why can't you', not helpful.

When he does make a (half hearted) effort he does exercise but then this grinds to a halt after a few weeks, he won't go on a proper diet though just a stupid Man Diet where he only eats a banana and then binges cos he's starving.

OP posts:
wewereherefirst · 19/01/2013 16:58

Snoring is a bone of contention in this marriage too. I have the luxury of one night a week ish where DH is on nights and I sleep so much better, even with DS2's frequent night wakings. Sad it's hard when they won't make lifestyle changes that benefit them in the long run too

Original poster
jellyrolly · 19/01/2013 17:00

Thank you Abitwobbly, he does snore only on his back. I will try that (if I ever move back in!)

He will start off on his side and then I end up wedging myself next to him to stop him turning over, it's like a bloody pantomime. He says 'wake me up if I snore' and then either doesn't wake up whatever I do - I have even punched him in the arm, hard - or denies he was snoring if he does wake up.

My problem is that once I've been woken up I can't get back to sleep for ages. Maybe I need sleep training not him.

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/01/2013 17:04

I think first of all, get a few nights of decent kip and get your head cleared a bit. This will help you feel immeasurably better.

Then I think you need a very calm conversation with him. For some couples, sleeping separately will not be a deal breaker. My DH has extremely bad sleep apnoea and we can't even sleep on the same side of the house, let alone in the same room! (He finds it difficult to cope with the mask treatment as it makes his dental problems flare up but is hoping to get back on the mask after some dental treatment soon).

However, for you this is a very important symbol of your marriage, and that's a perfectly valid point of view. I also know from personal experience how awful it is when a partner tries to make you lose weight (accepting yours is for health reasons and not cosmetic reasons as mine was) and perhaps unintentionally makes you feel like a failure for not being able to do it. You don't want to end up in a situation where the guy can never reach for a hobnob for fear of trying to wreck his marriage.

It sounds a bit like a lot of us - he knows he leads to lose some weight but getting his head together to get started is always being drowned out by the rest of the chaos of everyday life. Plus in common with a lot of snorers, I doubt he realises how unbelievably disruptive and murder-inducing snoring is to the non-snorer.

So cut both of you some slack, see how you feel once you're less tired.

CailinDana · 19/01/2013 17:06

Everyone has their failing. I think if you genuinely love your DH and he is a good guy then you need to make your peace with this as best you can. It's a shame he won't sort it out, but losing weight is hard and I think you can't expect perfection - he tries in other ways and falls down on this one thing. It means a lot to you, yes, and with time hopefully he'll come around and make the effort but in the meantime it looks like you'll just have to make the practical changes to deal with it. It would be such a shame to end an otherwise good marriage for something that comes down to a weakness for food on your DH's part - not exactly crime of the century! It would be a different matter if he expected you to put up with it and got stroppy about you wanting to sleep in the spare room, but seeing as he at least recognises the problem and is ok with you not sleeping in the same bed, then I think you'll have to try to be ok with it.

Do you think you can do that?

Original poster
jellyrolly · 19/01/2013 17:08

Thank you tribpot that sounds sensible. I would hate to make him feel like a failure or bad about himself physically, I hadn't thought of that. I suppose I assumed he knows he is attractive as I find him attractive. Everyday life is chaos and stressful - as it is for everyone at the moment - his work is very stressful. I can see he has no idea how bad snoring is, he is blessed with the ability to fall asleep at the drop of a hat, he's like an enormous cat.

OP posts:
Original poster
jellyrolly · 19/01/2013 17:13

I think I can CailinDana. He is a good guy and I forget about a lot of that as I'm obsessing with being tired. I find it fairly easy to diet if and when I need to and don't remember it's not that easy for everyone. He is a big beefy guy, his thighs are the size of my waist, they ain't gonna shrink easily.

I will suggest, calmly, a regular night or nights in seperate rooms and then I know I've got a proper sleep sometimes. If it's still the spare room and not 'my' room I needn't be so soppy about it. Plus, I really dislike the spare room, our room is so much nicer.

Thank you for some much needed perspective.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 19/01/2013 17:15

Jelly first have the conversation kindly and non-attackingly that you miss him but that you also need your sleep and can he be open to the fact that he snores badly, and could you both try this?

It does work, but I think they have to acknowledge that they snore that bad.

Original poster
jellyrolly · 19/01/2013 17:19

He does acknowledge it but it's hard for the snorer to really appreciate how bad they are, even if he heard it, it's the constant lack of sleep. I feel like I can't carry on on this level of sleep. He is always offering to go to the spare room but I suppose I would rather he offered to stop eating an inch of butter on his bread and then we could sleep together!

I realise from putting it all down in words I need to be a bit more supportive and encouraging if I want him to shrink. I think I can do that and be a bit less dramatic, albeit tiredness induced dramatic.

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/01/2013 17:22

Agree with wobbly - and I don't think it's unreasonable to ask if he might sleep in the spare room given you're probably more attached to the main room than he is. But I wouldn't do that until you're feeling less fraught, treat the spare room purely as a practical solution right now. And then think of a nice way to show him you still find him attractive :) (When you have enough energy that is!)

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 19/01/2013 17:26

my dh snores. i have earplugs but im still affected. he's not overweight, and he snores if he's on his back, side or front. its a blooming nightmare.

i sent him to the drs about it, but they said he would have to have his jaw broken and reset before they even attempt to do anything. i couldnt put him through that!

i wish it was down to weight Sad

Original poster
jellyrolly · 19/01/2013 17:28

Yes a temporary solution just to get some sleep is good. I am a bit black and white where decisions are concerned. I think I worried there would be no sex whatsoever if we had seperate rooms, no wonder I was fraught!

OP posts:
DameFanny · 19/01/2013 17:28

I've probably posted this before, but a few years ago with a 6 foot ex he wouldn't talk to me one morning and kept giving me funny looks. I finally got out of him that he'd woken in the night when I'd put a pillow over his face - in my sleep Shock. He was about twice my size so no harm done, but only a snorer would underestimate what it does to other people...