Can you really end a marriage over snoring?!

[jellyrolly]

I love my DH. He snores. He needs to lose a couple of stone and then he will stop snoring. I have always maintained we sleep in the same bed even though it means he wakes me up a lot, otherwise we are just flatmates. We have been married 8 years, together 10 but for the last year or so I have asked him to sleep in the spare room just so I can have a full nights sleep which helps but I hate us sleeping apart.

This morning, after another night of being woken up, he got up with DCs so I could have a lie in. They all fell out and were yelling so I didn't sleep anyway. This afternoon I flopped down on the sofa and DH suggested I go and have a lie down. I had one of those moments when something in your head changes. I told him I was moving into the spare room as I can't go on without proper sleep. He just looked sad but didn't say much so I have moved some of my stuff and that seems to be that.

I know it sounds like I said it to get a reaction but really I am soooo tired of having the same conversation 'you need to lose weight' 'yeah I know, I try' but nothing changes. I have a headache all the time, I'm snappy, make mistakes, I look like shit, I'm biting my nails again, I'm just exhausted. I feel like he should just go on a diet but he is letting our relationship just fizzle out instead.

I need some perspective, it doesn't help that I'm tired but I think once you move into a seperate room there isn't much coming back from that is there?

We've been in separate rooms since we had space for it; marriage still going strong (if anything stronger for the better sleep) and we've had 2 kids since then I'd much rather share beds when awake

In the highly unlikely event that I marry, I have no intention of sharing a bedroom/bathroom/study/kitchenn with a dh and would prefer an arrangement where we occupy separate houses on separate continents

It's a fallacy to assume that separate bedrooms will cause any lack of physical intimacy; on the contrary, it can lead to more frequent spontanous demonstrations of marital bliss, so to speak.

DH snores if he lies on his right side or on his back but is silent on his left side.

I have dug him in the ribs and shouted "turn over" that many times that I now only have to let out a heavy sigh and he turns over, even in his sleep!

More recently though, he has used those nose strips and they seem to be working for him. Not for everybody though.

You have my deepest sympathies. It is dreadful when you can't get a decent night sleep.

This sounds just like my DH, who came with the added joy of grinding his teeth all night .
I realised very early on that he wasn't really going to lose weight and stop snoring simply because I wanted him to, he had to really want to for himself or he would never maintain any kind of will power.
It was dreadful, I even filmed him one night on my phone, showing the noise and the time (3am) when i was desperate. I remember a grim Christmas in a caravan on the ILs drive, when I was 5 months PG and he snored so awfully the caravan was shaking... (There's a thread somewhere!)
In the end it was a healthscare, the doctor told him bluntly his high blood pressure meant he was likely to have a stroke. Only then did he decide to lose the weight, it's taken a few years but he's lost 5 stone and life is much better. He has the energy to run around the garden with the kids and he doesn't snore nearly as much. A night on the beer still leaves him snoring like a pneumatic drill but I can cope with that.
He does now wear a mouthguard at night to stop the grinding noise.
I think the plan to spend one night a week in the spare room could work, he might miss you so much it motivates him, and you could come to terms with it as a temporary solution, and feel better for one good nights sleep.
Good luck.

'I now only have to let out a heavy sigh and he turns over, even in his sleep!'

You see? It works.

Don't stress OP, get him a snore pillow, jab him in the ribs and you can still be together rested and unangry.

I am convinced that this ended my parents marriage. My mum is a dreadful snorer, really appalling and i think my dad had sleep deprivation in the end (maybe im making excuses). But thirty years of interrupted sleep means you would be pretty cranky all the time too.

1. Lose weight
2. Snoring pillow
3. Mouth guard has really helped.
4. Earplugs.

If those dont work, then seperate rooms or houses. You cannot go on like this, its a killer. Make him to something. Accepting it is lazy on his beha,f and inconsiderate.

Jelly, first you have to do whatever it takes to get some sleep. It's important for your health, and mental clarity. So if that means the spare room, better do that!

You can't make good decisions when you're chronically sleep deprived.

When you've done that, and feel better, you can think about more practical moves forward.

I would add that sleeping in a separate room doesn't mean the end of a marriage, or no sex. These are socially constructed ideas!. :) you can be creative if you want to! He might also try the diet more seriously if it bothers him that you're sleeping apart. Though, he might not....

Plenty of tips here about snoring. But, in answer to your main question, re: ending the marriage because of separate bedrooms, no, it's not an inevitable result.

Dh is a dreadfully bad sleeper - he's got worse over the years. The slightest noise (unexpected or random, he's OK with background noise such as air-con, fans or surf noise) either wakes him or prevents him from dropping off in the first place. Plus, pain from his various ailments (sporting sprains) disturb him.

Assuming your marriage is sound in all other respects, there should be nothing wrong with one of you sleeping in a different room. Dh and I spend a lot of time before sleep in the main bedroom, reading, watching TV, chatting, whatever and then he'll take his special expensive pillow and trot off next door to the spare room, returning early in the morning to wake up properly together.

We've been married 18 years, but I swear that one of us would have killed the other long before now if we'd been subjected to sharing a room all night all that time, with the ensuing lack-of-sleep (for both of us) grumps that would have resulted.

Thank you for all your helpful comments, it really helps to know other people are in the same boat. I've made a few changes, I calmly explained that I don't want him to be unhappy and dieting is obviously going to make him unhappy. But, I need to sleep so for two nights a week I will sleep in the spare room. I did explain that whilst I hadn't done this for a reaction I was disappointed he felt he couldn't lose weight and left it at that.

I've also started going to bed earlier, I realised I was dreading going to bed so going later and later, this has made a huge difference to my mood.

So after one day, DH looked over his toad in the hole at my brown rice, kale and veggie sausages and said quietly, 'I would like to eat what you eat'. Nearly fell off my chair. Result.

I am still a bit sad going to bed in seperate rooms but I don't think it's the start of a downward decline, your comments have convinced me. Plus it's the first time he's actually asked for dietish food which makes me like him more.

Me and dp have been in seperate rooms for about 6 months, it has not diminished our sex lives although we both feel a bit rubbish about sleeping alone, but we need to sleep!
If he is snoring through his mouth then please try these
They have really worked for dp's snoring and are not expensive.
We slept in same bed the other night and what a difference they made, now he is complaining about my snoring so i will be trying them as well.

I understand precisely how you feel OP, I have suffered life with a heavy snorer for twenty years and life has been dreadful. We tried so many different remedies and nothing worked. In desperation I found this website www.britishsnoring.co.uk/ and persuaded DH to do the online test. They recommended a mouthguard which really truly does work for him.

We have slept in the same bed now for weeks with very few problems, and for the first time I can look forward to a holiday without worrying about feeling awful from lack of sleep. Have a good read and see what you think.

My DH is a snorer. He is not overweight but after as little as 1 glass of wine his snores drive me to distraction.
This month we have both had a 'dry January' with no alcohol at all. The difference is amazing (and he admits he feels great) - the snoring has completely stopped. We both are sleeping better!
Worth a try?

Dh is now trained, thank god, but in our earlier years it was tough. Our first caravan holiday was cut short as neighbors complained, a lot, so much that it was embarrassing to leave the van because of the angry comments.

When I had dd1 my mil stayed as I was having homebirth and she wanted to be there.Three nights.in she checked.into a hotel because of her own sons snoring !

After years of kicking him in the shins with a nice honey roll over, I barely nudge him now and he moves. But I feel your pain, and I think you should go easier on yourself for retiring elsewhere.Of course its not the end of your marriage, and not necessarily even long term, its a solution to a problem thats all. As long as the rest of the marriage is fine, then stop holding yourself to these 'ideas' of marriage, your putting more pressure on yourself. Good luck x

Good luck OP

Snoring was the main factor in my parents splitting up after 23 years together. My dm just couldn't stick it anymore - the knot in her stomach in the evening, having to go to bed early to try and be asleep before he came up, then when I left home he moved in to the spare room so that killed the intimacy too. They also had a caravan but my df had to sleep in a tent outside because he would wake everybody up.

Obviously, the lack of sleep and his failure to address the issue properly by losing weight and stop drinking at the weekend just bred untold amounts of resentment in every part of their lives. It didn't help that to cover his embarrassment he would make a joke of it - we'd all feel stabby because we'd all suffered sleepless nights because of him.

He has now remarried and his wife snores as much as him but neither seems to care!

Seriously, take charge. Get a cross trainer in the living room and make him do 20minutes each day while he watches a TV program with you. He doesnt have to change his diet and he will have lost a lot of weight in 1-2 months.

Acceptance would seem to be the thing. Don't nag about weight; maybe it's nagging that causes 'comfort eating'?

We have a mismatch of temperature requirements, hours (morning or evening person) and more recently snoring. DW is v slim so not weight-related.

Early on we solved 1st two problems with a 6-ft wide bed, so we could be 'together' but 'apart'. Tried various strategies for snoring - occasionally, pointing out that she is snoring works. i've tried earplugs; that can be very effective but can also become painful on occasions. B&Q stock them cheaply in bulk.

Now retired, found separate bedrooms is the solution; we each have our separate 'dens'. If either wants closeness / intimacy then we just plan it in; usually result is that we fall asleep together and either snoring is absent or I don't notice it. Both reasonably happy bunnies now.

Took a long time to get here though; 'through many dangers, toils and snares'.

Thank you lookingfoxy, he does snore through his mouth so I will try those.
And thankyou twentyoneagain too, I will look at the website.
Samandcj, that is so true, if he has a drink it is so much worse.

I think I am finding my place on the acceptance scale, I don't want it to become a source of resentment.

I heard an old work colleague had dropped down dead yesterday; really makes you think, this doesn't need to be made into a big deal for me.