Daughter insanely jealous if I date

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my dd 12 12 ,her dad walked out in us when she was 7 and 1/2. I started dating earlier last yr with a man I totally fell for unfortunately she hated him having any contact with me incl txts etc this behaviour eventually lead to the end of the relationship when she threatened to kill herself. ( shes now seeing a counsellor about self harming) anyway I've met a chap at work who is very interested in me and came round last night for a bottle of wine and chat - she stayed in her room (as she does most nights) and this morning got up and started hitting me hitting the roof throwing things a round and calling me a liar. (????) All day she has ignored me and will not speak to me at all. The same behaviour as before. Im at my wits end as to what to do with her - she cannot allow me to have any sort of relationship at all. (her father remarried within 6 months of leaving and although shes not keen on step mum she accepts her as she doesnt see them too often (usually school holidays for a weekend/4 days as we live 300 miles away) Suggestions as to how I can manage this behaviour would be greatly appreciated

Could you not see your dates when she's not there until you know it's serious, it's maybe threatening to her having the men on " her territory " if you know what I mean .

I have tried that before - no joy at all - she hates my parents so babysitting is an issue..... when I was seeing the other chap we used to meet up for a dog walk till she insisted she came with me every time I went out the door. to be honest shes not much better if I have a girlfriend round she just wants to control me and its totally getting me down. I totally loved the chap last yr but she presented so many difficulties that I was literaly torn between the 2 of them and obviously chose her. - this new chap is very very early days and she is already on top scale tantrums because I just happen to be paying just alittle bit of attention to someone other than her. - Ive asked her if she wants to go out today - I was met with a Go Away and slammed door in my face. I could scream! I dont want to give in to her demands of having no life outside of her but I can see that if I carry on seeing this chap i will only make me miserable as I will be in the same situation with her.

Sounds like you need the professional services of a Child Psychologist. Can you get a referral through your GP? I don't think a counsellor is the appropriate specialist as this is more serious.

I agree keep your dates for "me time" at first, out of the house, keep stressing you love her & you are a pair, no man is going to change that special bond etc. but that you would like some adult company at times not instead of hers but as well as.

If you decide that the man is a keeper then start introducing the concept of him to her slowly, drop his name into the convo but don't keep on about it. Take your time introducing him to her.

Has she said to you WHY she is so violently against the idea, does she feel pushed out or rejected by the thought of you having a life other than her? Has her father/Smother been planting ideas with her suggesting she'll be pushed out?

What does her counsellor say, do you get feedback/debriefing to enable you to support her-maybe you need to see someone to to get tips on managing her behaviour.

Sorry x-post......yes this is escalating and you & she need help from a MH specialist if she is reacting like this, it is not normal.

However I do wonder how much if it is because she knows being a drama queen will get her her own way ie your undivided attention.

Tough if she "doesn't like" your parents, she has to accept certain choices made by you without consulting her you cannot let her dictate your life.

I saw a behaviour specialist last yr - He said I had to give in to her all the time (?????????) including not allowing her to do homework tidy room and not have any other relationships etc etc - I doubt ex & step mum have planted the you will be pushed out idea. I think her problems stem from the fact her dad walked out on us and I was devastated and she doesnt want me to get hurt again but this has escalated to her controlling everything I want to do - ie if i want to go to a meeting I cant but at the drop of a hat I have to drive her 50 miles to see her friend from school - which I have done in the past to try and show her I love her - Ive done the I love you and no man will come between what we have but she has taken this as I am totally hers and if I talk to a man then I am lying to her as in her eyes she is all I need. Ive told her that Id like some adult company from time to time but shes having none of it. I dont get anyfeedback from counsellor (due to the threat of self harming) I will e mail her so she can discuss the situation with her at ext session. DD will not talk to me at all about counselig and I dont want to push her on this as she quite clearly needs an outlet for her frustrations. The drama queen bit has a definite ring of truth with it but Im stuck between a rock and a hard palce with her - if I brave it out she could self harm or she threatens to ring police and Social services saying I am abusing her ( I AM NOT). I have given her the phone to ring SS & Police but she hasnt. Ive even asked her if she would prefer to live with her dad - (breaks m heart to ask) but she refuses to go there.

Forgot to say its very difficult to have dates in me time - She doesnt allow me any apart from when shes at school and obviously Im working and so is he. She just hates me getting a sitter in and reacts as before the day after If I have a rare night off. The only real me time I get is when her dad has her - every 6-10 weeks for 1 night or a week if Im really lucky (2-3 times a yr)

sounds like a little girl in a bad place (emotionally)

i think you'll have to knock dating on the head for a while and deal with your DD's issues. she needs help to cope with these feelings and to learn how to process her feelings appropriately. and no i wouldn't send my dcs to someone they hated just so i could date. that isn't one of the choices children should just have to accept. 'tough' is for situations like "well, roast is what we're having for dinner so like it or lump it" not for sending them to people they are uncomnfortable being with.

I saw a behaviour specialist last yr - He said I had to give in to her all the time (?????????) including not allowing her to do homework tidy room and not have any other relationships etc etc

WTF? Is he for real?

ive been on a break from dating for the last 4 months and unfortunately her behaviour only improved a little - as for sitters they come here on her territory for the reason I dont want her to see it as punishment. I agree she needs help but when she saw the behviourist she manipulated her situation and lied outright. She controls me in all sorts of ways esp eating habits she went vegetarian 4 yrs ago and initially had a varied diet now she practically lives of peas rice pasta and sweetcorn - as she refuses to eat anything else.

She needs professional help.

I'd guess that she's scared; scared that you'll leave her as well if you're out of her sight/dating someone, scared that you'll stop loving her (hence the demanding behaviour) and scared of change.

Why does she hate your parents? Was this always the case? If not, when did it change?

I'm sorry but you are the grown up here, she is the child. I agree she has some serious issues to deal with but giving in on everything is not the answer.

WRT a sitter, would you be able to find one who would be willing to pop round for a cuppa with you both so she can meet them with you there, and keep inviting her in on a regular night ( you might have to pay her for her time but it would be worth it) so DD could see she is no threat. She might tantrum for a while but eventually she will have to stop its too bloody exhausting!

If you explain it will be just for a few hours once a week so you can go out with your friends, go to see your parents, just have some adult company not date, then maybe slowly she would learn to accept it.

I wouldn't force the child to go anywhere she felt uncomfortable no,(I presumed the GP's came to her house) but inviting a sitter into her own safe home should be doable and it may be that you have to persist until she sees that that the world doesn't end, you still love her and that it does you good to get out once a week.

what about school friends?

does she have any friends that could sleep over and then their parents could return the favour. perhaps speak with them about the situation and ask if they would be willing to help build up her trust at being away from you. she wouldn't need to know it was so you could go out, as far as she would know it would be her friend inviting her for a sleepover.

I think you definitely need some professional support. I don't really think that the dating is the issue here it sounds like some serious behaviour problems. She's pre teen which can be a difficult age, she dealt with parents splitting up, perhaps feels step mum has taken her dad away? If she's self harming too there must be much deeper issues, and sounding like a potential eating disorder developing with the food issues.

Are any other agencies involved such as CAMHS? Sounds as though her df could do a lot more to help to. I think you need to seek some support perhaps start by seeing your GP and better now whiule she's still quite little.

I know it's hard when you've met men you really like, but I think you'll have to forget dating for a while. It must seem like a punishment on you, I know.

Will she give an answer if you ask her why she is like this?

Does she ever see her friends? Do they ever come to the house, on a sleepover for example? I wondered how she justifies the fact you can't have friends when presumably she wants them herself.

It will be interesting when she starts to like boys, too. I wonder how she'll reconcile the hypocrisy of you not being allowed a boyfriend when she is.

I would see professional advice. I'd be particularly worried about the food she eats and the way she's using it as a weapon against you.

When she is at her dad's, does she contact you frequently? Does she speak to him on the phone at all? Are there any teachers or any other adults (parents of friends for instance) that she likes?

Ask for another specialist- have you informed the school, they will usually be able to access services more quickly than GPs etc?

I do agree that she needs professional help, but she also needs a mum.

A mum who will establish rules, and will not allow her to skip homework, or tidying up her room.
She clearly needs to be reassured that you are there for her and that you love her, but not at the level that she is demanding now.

Was she already clingy when her dad was around?

Her wanting to control is understandable, as she had NO control over your ex-H leaving, and no control overe the fact that you were devastated (maybe she was also irrationally angry that you were devastated regardless of her being there, as if she wasn't more important than her father to you - subconsciuosly perhaps). So now she swung to tis extreme behaviour of possessiveness, as there is also a constant fear that YOU will leave her for a man same as her father left for someone, if not leave physically then leave emotionally (or she'll have to share).
Very sorry for her, as she feels the acute need to assert herself and be taken as important, whatever it takes. Maybe a solution would involve getting her to do something that she is good at/enjoys, where she can feel a bit in charge and admired/respected, maybe a hobby or a sport? ot helping someone? So far all if this self-assertibng need is focused on you and gone irrational. Find a prof psychologist too, not just a counsellor.

Thanks everyone - most have whats been suggested has been tried over the yrs - yes she has always been clingy to me - her father was pretty useless preferring Golf and (his new wife) to us as a family. Ill make an appointment with the doc again and ask for a pyschologist referral. I admit Ive given in to her before but when you are doing it all on your own and your world fell apart its sometimes harder to rule with a rod of steel. We moved so I could have family support which I have but she is very hard work doesnt do "old stye" parenting at all ie my mum wold have spanked her for lots of things but hasnt because I told her not to She doesnt have many close friends at school and those she has one lives 50 miles away the other 15 and they have come here for a sleepover - funnily enough she has not been invited reciprocally I dont think she's half as bad on the rare occasions she stays with friends in the past. CAMHS refused to see her because she hadnt actually slit her throat just threatened it in front of me. I worry about her all the time as I can tell shes mixed up and makes it hard for anyone to love her. Its breaking my mums heart to see how she behaves towards me. It wont get anybetter either in next few weeks as mum is due a heart bypass at a hospital 50 miles away and she wont want to come with me but I cant leave her and no one else can sit for her for me as they are all busy with their lives families etc.

Her dad rings her every week (not on a regular night though and usually as a result of her ringing him.) When shes at his house she if she stays for the week she rings and txts for the first few days then usually tails off however this x mas she rang in tears many times a day. She also gets sent to bed at 8.30pm at her dads so he can be with his wife grown up time - she stays up till gone 11pm - txt her friend from school or me. Ive told him but he doesnt do anything - he didnt even reprimand her when her phone bill was £300 one month just paid it because hes financially well off and buys her all sorts of designer stuff. He takes her to fancy restaurants where she will eat chips and nothing else.

That 'expert' gave you the crappest advice I have ever heard in my life. And harmful to her.

I think that you should go back to the gp and demand help. for cahms to refuse to help because she hasn't actually physically harmed herself is ridiculous of them. I would challenge that.

" In CAMHS we specialise in providing help and treatment for children and young people with emotional, behavioural and mental health difficulties."

That is not the same as "we will help children who have attempted to kill themselves."

You are being fobbed off by them.

OP I really feel for you, it sounds incredibly hard for you both

you obviously need professional support, just as a stopgap relate will also see her at that age and there's a childline website I think where she can talk to someone in confidence.

Also how about a new hobby you could do together, such as a sport (eg badminton)? just wondered if some specific time for the two of you would help?

I agree that if possible get a babysitter for even one or two hours a week and just get out for a coffee or whatever, just to get used to the idea?
I agree that she needs some boundaries without fighting over every small issue. She's probably very scared of losing you get as much support for yourself as you can.

I can't believe that an expert would say that you have to give in to her. Your daughter is on the verge or becoming a teenager, she is not s child. She needs to learn that she cannot always have her own way in life. How will she ever hold down a job or a relationship of her own?.....

Also, 11pm sounds way too late for a 12 year old to go to bed.

She needs some clear boundaries just like a toddler. She needs to know that you deserve a life too and that you will always be there for her no matter what but you have to move on.

If she rings SS let her. She is seeing a counsellor, they will have a record of what she is saying. But you need more professional help with her.

Im deffo going back to gp this week thank you everyone for confirming she is behaving irrationally - I couldnt believe the behaviourist when he told me to do everything she wanted- I havent by the way. but given her ways and emotional state I do pick my battles. We got a horse 18 months ago for us both to ride - she was interested for all of about 3 months then when it became boring having to muck out and ride all the time she decided she wasnt interested. I do have that bit of me time now with the horse as she is quite happy to see the back of me when I pop to the paddocks to do the stable duties. Shes only interested in coming down to show off to her mates she doesnt actually pick up a brush or hay etc when on the rare occasions she goes. So I wont let her ride him - the horse can be a bugger anyway and I believe if she wants to ride him then she has to work for that ride stable duties etc. I will ask parents to do an hour a week as well as that is a good idea - not too long to be seen as a punishment but long enough to know I have other interests. CAMHS justify not seeing her because they are underfunded etc and dont have the resources stry if cutbacks I suppose which doesnt really inspire me with confidence that Ill get the help she clearly needs from other agencies maybe....

Why doesn't she like your parents? Are they OK? Did she like them when she was a child? Is it because she knows they disapprove of her behaviour?