Daughter insanely jealous if I date

[taken4granted]

my dd 12 12 ,her dad walked out in us when she was 7 and 1/2. I started dating earlier last yr with a man I totally fell for unfortunately she hated him having any contact with me incl txts etc this behaviour eventually lead to the end of the relationship when she threatened to kill herself. ( shes now seeing a counsellor about self harming) anyway I've met a chap at work who is very interested in me and came round last night for a bottle of wine and chat - she stayed in her room (as she does most nights) and this morning got up and started hitting me hitting the roof throwing things a round and calling me a liar. (????) All day she has ignored me and will not speak to me at all. The same behaviour as before. Im at my wits end as to what to do with her - she cannot allow me to have any sort of relationship at all. (her father remarried within 6 months of leaving and although shes not keen on step mum she accepts her as she doesnt see them too often (usually school holidays for a weekend/4 days as we live 300 miles away) Suggestions as to how I can manage this behaviour would be greatly appreciated

Go to your GP, but in the meantime while your waiting to hopefully get some help on board, how about having a family meeting, don't ask her, tell her and setting some house rules. She might be becoming a young woman but she's also a little girl still right now and it's probably best to regain the control before she gets totally out of control.

So sit at the table together or even take her out somewhere and set some house rules that you both discuss and agree on. Such as who will do what household chores, agreeing not to shout and treat eachother with respect (not saying you don't btw), but that shouting, door slamming, being agressive is not acceptable and that there are other ways to express yourself, that you will have x amount of quality time together each week. Perhaps ask her to write a letter to explain how she's feeling and what makes her angry and upset. But also while reassuring her that she's loved no matter what remind her that you are the parent and you have certain expectations.

Sort of like a fresh start/going back to basics.

Poor wee thing. She sounds v messed up.

Could it be she feels she 'put her life on hold' for you when you were devastated about DH leaving all those years ago, and she worried hugely about your welfare and did all that she could at that young age, and now thinks you don't appreciate what she did for you and haven't acknowledged that and are busy wanting to move on to new partner whilst she still carries the hurt and anger.

She sounds angry but also mixed up. Why does she want to show off to her friends rather than just have fun. Maybe she just never had the chance to get over her DF leaving and this has destroyed her confidence and ability to have fun and she is taking out her unhappiness and anger on you as she knows you won't walk away. Lots of talk therapy might help though not easy to find.

I was just thinking that she might just hate the thought of a having a new DF then wondered, though am sure I am way off at a tangent here, if there was any chance she's had some scary sexual experience, eg met a flasher on the way home from school or something unpleasant like that. Her behaviour is v extreme, something that she feels she can't tell anyone about that could make her anxious about men coming into the house.
Hopefully I am barking up the wrong tree.

She doesnt like my parents because they dont like the way she behaves and she knows that.!

Am just about to go spend some time with her now so will be quiet for now will check in later for any other useful nuggets. BTW shes also pretty bad if I have a girly friend round although admittedly not as bad. As for putting her life on hold I doubt it - I made sure she had lots of other interests after the break up brownies etc even pony club but as with everything with her she quickly looses interest which can be disheartening. Its more difficult now because she has tonns of homework to do and is about to be investigated by the school as they think shes dyslexic ( have been saying it since yr1 but no one listened to me). At school she daydreams chats and is very disorganised which has been noted but theres only so much I can do for her on that score. She will be on report this week at school for attitude to work/organisation and I have to sign her card every night so she will have to spend some time with me! I do think a lot her problems stem from her dad walking out on her - he told her in the morning and left that day - told me the night before he was leaving....via e mail but thats another story.! I am well over the split and apart from dd behaviour can honestly say I am much happier than I ever was with him. and I think she is too she never really wants to go see her dad but goes because I insist and nowadays she just takes him designer clothes shopping - something I could never do.

Personally I would drive her 300 miles away to her fathers and leave her there

What, RabidCarrot? If you had a disturbed child who talked of harming herself and who was desperately scared about losing you, you would take her away to her father's and dump her there?

Oh, this poor little girl. She sounds so desperately unhappy.

She really is firmly in charge, isn't she! and she hates it! Children love firm boundaries, and she has none.

I think this possessive stuff is her trying to prove to herself that you love her - because she really doesn't think you do .......... Because you let her do exactly as she pleases, just as if you really couldn't care less.

11.30 bedtime for a 12 year old??????? She must be knackered all the time.

Will only eat 3 things? Give her proper food and tell her to take it or leave it. Call her on every little bit of toddler behaviour.

But mostly - keep talking to her and telling her you love her (but hate the behaviour)

Yes, it will be very, very hard work. Do you love her enough to do this?

Hi taken.
Your thread title jumped out at me so much I had to respond.

Your situation mirrors mine. Many posters have made useful suggestions already as to the reasons your DD may be acting in this way.

I took my DD to a private therapist who also invited me to some of the sessions and me and DD were able to talk honestly about our relationship now. I disagree that her behaviour isn't 'normal'. When you think about the impact of losing her DF, seeing you distressed, having to 'accept' his new DW, her stage of development and growth, and your having 'moved on' it's understandable that she can't tolerate how this makes her feel. She's only 12.

She must be scared stiff both of you being hurt again (and her seeing this) and of you finding someone who will occupy the special place she has come to feel is 'hers'.

I have worked very hard in my situation to ensure my DD has secure boundaries but she also knows that I am a woman as well as a mum - and this means that I will, as well as working to provide a home for us, make time for me. It's no easy ride and it's a work in progress?...

I don't actually think she is behaving "irrationally".

She is pushing boundaries and seeking reassurance, it seems. She is still in fact a child, and on the verge of puberty, which is always a difficult time.

You, on the other hand, have to be her rock.
You have to have the rules in place, you have to be able to tell her what's right from wrong, you have to be the one who is open for her to confide in.

Why don't you sit with her and have a conversation about having personal time, and how you are there for her, forever, but need to do things on your own and be with other people sometimes?
You can both discuss and agree on rules for the house, food, etc
But then you have to enforce it.

Hi everyone I have done the sit down and set rules etc countless times - they work for about a week if Im lucky - Food wise she goes on fad 1 week she will eat veggie samosas next week she wont she will have veggy sausages, then next week she wont - her only staple diet is rice pasta peas and sweetcorn - I take her shopping with me ad ask her what she would like to eat - (nothing new) We had some time together last night and at least got talking but she cannot accept that she needs boundaries she sees herself as a grown up. I explained that whilst she is in my home she is my responsibility and has to abide by the rules of the house. I reassured her that absolutely no one will ever take her place in my heart - in fact tell her every day how much I love her. Id love to be able to take her to a therapist but I suspect cost will be a major issue - I am a single parent working in a temp job 18hrs a week trying to get by what spare money I have goes into savings for when my temp contract comes to an end in 2 months. Jobs that fit in with school hols dont exactly drop out of trees and childcare of teenagers is non existent where I live so if I got a full time job what do I do with her in summer hols etc??
I know she is prepubescent and hormonal so do have to ignore some of her behaviour but this controlling aspect really is getting worse. As for cooking her food and leaving her to get on with it - ..... the dogs will have it Ive tried it doesnt work - (she is a redhead and very strong willed!) She's on the sim side of healthy so Id rather her eat something than nothing at all as her body needs fuel. Some days Id love for her to live with her useless father so he can deal with the crap I go through on a daily basis and learn he cant buy his way out of it but in honest all that wold achieve is that she would think I dont love her and I do. I discussed everything with mum last night and we are going for an hr a week where I go out for me time moving onto her going to theirs.
Time will tell - I do know that if I knock dating on the head all that will do is reinforce her controlling behaviour. This new chap may or may not amount to anything -( all he did was come round for a brew and chat) but given I was single again for 4 months and the tornado of behaviour restarted again as soon as another chap came on the scene something tells me not dating will only put off her tantrums not solve them.

Oh by the way 11.30 bedtime is when shes with her father not home with me she is usually asleep by 930-10pm at home as she needs to sleep.!

Hi OP

You have my every sympathy.

I left my ex when my DD was 11, though he wasn't her dad and she was glad to be out of there so that helped a lot.

However she did hate me dating, they do seem to ahve a stage at this age where they get very jealous and also are starting to become sexually aware but find it all disgusting and repulsive and really struggle to deal with everything that's starting to go on for them with understanding relationships and hormones all going a bit wild.

I got around it by dating in the daytime - lunchtime coffee meets and have been lucky having met and had relationships with a couple of self employed blokes (not at the same time though!) in the past who could re-jig things to be able to meet me in the daytime. When they go for sleepovers with their friends that is also very handy - I used to have a few of her friends over regularly in the hope the favour would be returned and it usually was.

How I dealt with it was to stop all mention of men ever. Don't mention fancying anyone off the telly, nothing. Definitely no details on your personal life at all. As far as she is concerned you are a nun and not interested in dating.

By the time my DD was approaching 15 she had begun to get her head around it all, was interested in boys herself by then and so understood things a bit more, extra maturity makes such a difference. She then started to accept me dating and/or having a boyfriend/partner.

At your dd's age it's no good having men over in the evening, she's not far off from having later bedtimes and possibly teen insomnia and it just isn't workable.

Good luck!

Her behaviour sounds behavioural not a MH problem to me so CAMHS saying they will not see her is understandable - she does not show and suicidal ideation and is saying she is going to kill herself because she is not getting her own way.

Stop treating her like a friend and start treating her like a child - buy the shopping and cook and if she doesn't want to eat it she goes hungry - she is manipulating the shit out of you (sorry for the language).

You need to see a family therapist more than a psychologist I think but most of all you need to not give in to her tantrums and behaviour and stop allowing her, a child to run your life. And stop making fucking excuses - you are really doinf this to yourself - she is on the slim side, so what she won't starve believe me. So she is prepubescant - does that mean she is allowed to behave so frightfully and leave the respect she should have at the front door until puberty is over?

I know a family therapist who will only chartge what you can afford but we int he SE.

I have done the sit down and set rules etc countless times - they work for about a week if Im lucky

Why should you be lucky or unlucky?

How do you enforce rules?

You can't just expect her not to push the boundaries and you have to have consequences for breach of rules.

As for the food, she knows you worry.

I agree with pp that it may be best to keep dating to your private time.
But it may be a good idea to get her used to you having other people in your life. I mean friends.

Perhaps bringing up her future - career, how you will feel when she leaves home (bereft that is, not elated ), will she want to go to uni, are there any interests she might follow into a career etc . To remind her that life will not always be as it is.

And, of course you will be the one who is left by her at some point and that that is normal and how things are through life. Has this occurred to her?

I would try to patiently talk talk talk and see if she can unravel her feelings.

Also meant to say that what lubeybooby said is prob a solution.

I'd love to be able to take her to a therapist but I suspect cost will be a major issue

Would her father pay? Tell him she doesn't need designer clothes - she needs this.

Springdiva, :)
Maybe she'll reconsider if Taken tells her DD that she'll have to live with her forever, not have children, or a husband, and take care of her mum until old age.

I think this little girl (because that is still what she is after all) sounds incredibly unhappy.

Firstly, you simply shouldn't have men round to your home in the evenings, and justifying it by saying she stays in her room?! It's really unsavoury - my DC are 14 and 11 and there is no way I would have a man here when they were, possibly once I was in a fairly well established relationship and said man had actually been introduced to my DC, but not just any old bloke I worked with! Given your daughter's clearly expressed issues around you dating, I can't understand why you would do something so guaranteed to push her buttons, unless maybe you like the drama?

I also suspect her unhappiness relates to having been moved 300 miles away from her father, I wonder whether their relationship might be better if her contact with him was less sporadic? You say you moved for family reasons but that your parents and your daughter have never got on...so the move was for your benefit, and to her detriment (in terms of contact with her dad).

I think you need to find the money for therapy if you are unable to secure a CAMHS referral. If you can afford to buy and maintan a horse you can afford a few therapy sessions! Speak to her father if you really cant afford it as you say he is well off, or take a job working extra hours (I'm not sure why you say you can only work school hours/term time - most secondary school children I know including my own have FT working parents and no childcare, they are old enough to look after themselves for a few hours).

Why thank you for some of your Honest opinions. Firstly in addition to having family up here I moved because I simply couldnt afford to live in Surrey with no support network whatsoever. My horse doesnt cost a lot because he is on my parents land and no rent payable livery fees etc. DD didnt like her father before we split ( and to be honest he didnt bother with her at all) so shes more than happy not to see him (its only the very deep pockets that he has that encourages her to go) I cannot make him see her more often believe me I would but he flatly refuses. He also wont contribute to any counselling therapy etc - His philisophy is tough shit deal with it. To be honest her relationship with her father is better than when we were together so no I disagree that our move was to her detriment. I did have another job and in fact worked 42 hrs a week and guess what both of us were incredibly unhappy as we didnt have much time together and when we did quite frankly I was tired. I didnt and wouldnt get into anything "unsavoury" at home especially when she is there whether she is in her room or not. This guy literally popped in thats all. I do take the point though and wont be repeating it. DD does get spending money/treats but only for doing the chores I ask her whether it be clean room/homework walking dogs etc. I also remove her laptop etc on a regular basis as a consequence for poor behaviour she has to "earn it back" through good behaviour and an apology. All I was asking for was some helpful pointers as to how to manage this behaviour which on the whole I have received and am grateful for I. I didnt expect to be shot down in flames for wanting to have a life outside my daughter she is and always be the centre of my universe which I also tell her every day.

Of course you are allowed a life. :)
And don't let anyone convince you otherwise, including your daughter.

If anyone should be shot down is your ex, who has just left and hardly bothers with her.
If anything, he's the one who caused all the problems.

BTW, thankfully, my 8 year old loves having people around and isn't bothered when I leave him with other people. And he has been through his dad being violent with me, and only seeing his dad through Skype for over a year.
And he is shy and attached to me.
(just keeping my fingers crossed as we move towards the teenage years)
But, yes, he pushes his limits all the time, he answers back sometimes, he forgets rules, he claims to know it all. I just need to keep on it all the time, while at the same time respecting his points of view and giving him lots of love. (or trying to, )
It's not easy.

It might be worthwhile to have a look on the British dyslexia association website. Dyslexia can also occur alongside other difficulties, some of which may be contributing to her issues?
www.bdadyslexia.org.uk/about-dyslexia/schools-colleges-and-universities/what-are-specific-learning-difficulties.html