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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Apparently DC3 is going to split us up...

37 replies

Kyrptonite · 19/01/2013 11:36

Found out on Tuesday I'm pregnant. DS is almost 4, DD is 2.7 and DSD will be 6 soon. I told DP and he said I knew what I needed to do and it wasn't worth having a conversation about. My response was that I was keeping the baby.

He said he would move out then. Our lives are just getting to the point where we can go out and do things and he doesn't see why I want to put us backwards again. I had a termination last year and 2 days later he told me to buck up and stop dwelling on it. We haven't mentioned it since but have used condoms ever since.

I think I'm about 7 weeks, I have a job that was fixed term contract but now as I'm entitled to mat leave will be made permanent as there has to he a position for me to return to. I get 6 months SMP and there will be a lot of nurseries or CMs nearby.

I've told him to let me know when he's moving out. Honestly I think he will come round as this happened with DD and now he adores her. He just panicks and can't verbalise it easily.

Do I attempt to talk to him or just carry on as normal and see if he moves out or not? I don't want to beg him to be involved or seem weak and I will not let him bully me into another termination.

Not too sure why I'm posting. Just need to write it down I think!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2013 11:39

Your 'DP' sounds like a totally despicable and selfish man. He's blaming you rather than taking responsibility for being a parent again. 'Buck up and stop dwelling on it'... about a termination?? Shock I'd let him go and bolt the door behind him. Disgusting.

Wolfiefan · 19/01/2013 11:43

I'm afraid bullying sounds about right. Have you anyone who can support you in RL? He's done this before? It sounds like emotional blackmail rather than finding it hard to verbalise. I think you have to be prepared to go it alone. Sorry.

trustissues75 · 19/01/2013 11:44

I think you've done what you need to do: now see what happens.

As for the comment over the termination...that's beyond awful. Really really really shitty but you chose to put up with that.

What will you do if he does move out?

I feel he's a prick - without the termination comment id gave said maybe he's just scared a needs some time (people who are good and decent do make mistakes) but add in the termination comment, I feel you'd be better off without him and font let the door hit him on the way out.

TallyGrenshall · 19/01/2013 11:44

What an absolute twat. 'Buck up'?!

I would be bloody tempted to pack a bag for him so he can take his selfish fucking strop elsewhere, you have got better things to do than deal with it

Original poster
Kyrptonite · 19/01/2013 11:47

If he moves out I imagine i will come up with an access arrangement for him, convert his study into a playroom and possibly cry for a few days. I am not worried about coping alone tbh, the tenancy for the house is in my name and I think I will have support of MIL and my mum.

OP posts:
Sweetchillie · 19/01/2013 11:48

Your husband is an arse hole! Leave him leave! He is trying to bully you. Please don't stay with this man, he sounds awful.

Softlysoftly · 19/01/2013 11:48

I'd let him leave, this is your 3rd accidental pregnancy? ? If he doesn't want more kids and contraception clearly fails for you why hasn't he had himself down for the snip?

All your fault obviously Hmm

trustissues75 · 19/01/2013 11:50

So glad you have a good base of self confidence, kryptonite. Keep standing up to him and giving him very clear messages - perhaps, as someone has suggested, have a bag packed ready for him.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 19/01/2013 11:50

I'd make him leave - you'll be much better off without this arse in your life.

HecateWhoopass · 19/01/2013 11:51

I think he's being dreadful and I'm not exactly sure why you want to stay with him anyway, tbh. What he said to you was despicable. How he seems to blame you for a condom failure is stupid and his casual attitude to termination of a pregnancy shows no awareness/understanding/giving even a tiny shit of how this can affect a woman.

If you use condoms then it's a contraceptive failure - even if used correctly, there's about a 3% failure rate, I think it is.

I think that instead of expecting you to have a termination each time there is a contraceptive failure, if he is adamant he wants no more children - he should have the bloody snip.

You can try to talk him round. Or you can tell him that you aren't doing this and if that means he chooses to leave - fair enough. Or you can get the suitcases down from the loft and leave them on his side of the bed.

I am really sorry you are going through this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2013 11:51

I think you have to make a stand of some kind here just to be taken seriously. So far he's been appallingly crass, utterly insensitive, totally irresponsible and yet thinks this is all tickety-boo OK as long as he comes round in the end and excuses it away as 'I can't verbalise' or 'I panicked'. Why do you always have to be the grown-up in the relationship? It's bollocks.

MurderOfGoths · 19/01/2013 11:53

Oh sweetheart, that's awful :( I'm glad you are confident that if he leaves then you'll cope fine, sounds like you might be better off without him.

Sugarice · 19/01/2013 11:54

He is an absolute bastard.

You don't sound like you'll miss him that much and I don't blame you at all. You're already planning ahead with regard to SMP and childcare , that's great!

Tell him to leave and good luck.

izzyizin · 19/01/2013 11:59

If he gets over himself, I suggest you make your relationship conditional on him getting snipped if he doesn't want more dc but, unless you were hoping to add to your family, may I ask why you didn't choose to take some of the responsibility for contraception especially after the events of last year?

Xales · 19/01/2013 12:01

DC3 is a tiny squirmy thing inside you. It is not capable of doing anything to affect your relationship.

Your P is the one splitting you up.

Original poster
Kyrptonite · 19/01/2013 12:10

Because I'm useless at taking the pill, I wanted another in a few years so didn't want to be sterilised (also too young) and I was reminding him about condoms.

OP posts:
LaCiccolina · 19/01/2013 12:14

Well my advice is based exactly on what u say as I see no indication that u actually want ur family to fall apart and are poss not going to listen to many views....

Ignore for a few days. Let this sink in. Give dust time to settle. Let him say something. Just be sure in ur head if u wAnt this baby. It sounds like u do. Which is fine. Just realise things will work out over time but may not look like what they do now....

U will be ok, whatever happens.

fiventhree · 19/01/2013 12:18

Poor you. Only you can decide how to take this forward re the pregnancy.

Regardless, I think that you might need to look at how much he is there for you in life generally. I dont think it is easy to raise even 2 children with a man who cant support you emotionally.

fiventhree · 19/01/2013 12:19

Cogito makes some really good points about his behaviour, too.

Jux · 19/01/2013 12:24

You will be fine without him if he does move out.

May I suggest that, as you're " hopeless at taking the pill" you investigate contraceptive injections when the time comes in around 8 months' time? Condoms are notoriously unreliable, as you have just found out.

Original poster
Kyrptonite · 19/01/2013 12:32

I'm thinking of plucking up the courage for the implant. For some reason the thought makes me feel wibbly but obviously better than being in this situation again!

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 19/01/2013 12:38

You could have the Mirena or normal coil as well, there are lots of options.

I think you'd better off without this bloke, tbh, he sounds nasty. He shouldn't get away with this type of behaviour - why would you give him a pass of 'panicking' or inability to express himself? He's perfectly well able to verbalise some pretty horrible stuff.

Goodadvice1980 · 19/01/2013 12:55

Good grief, he's an arse!

To be brutally honest, after his comment about "buck up and stop dwelling on it" I'm amazed you'd even want to sleep with him again!!

Don't let the door hit him on the arse on the way out ....

Thumbwitch · 19/01/2013 12:57

Good riddance to him, I'd say. What a knobend he is. :( for you, really.

Lueji · 19/01/2013 13:00

If he really didn't want another baby to the point of splitting up, he should have had the snip.
Not expect you to go through termination after termination.

And why should you have implants and hormones imposed in your body, while he can't be bothered to have a simple operation?

I don't think you should beg him to stay either.
And I might make it a condition of him staying (and having sex) that he gets the snip.

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