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Original poster

Quick Q ... is this appropriate?

62 replies

SoupOfTheNight · 19/01/2013 10:16

DH takes kids to school.

Makes coversation with a mum there.

Adds her on facebook.

Talks to her all times of night.

Never mentions her to me, I have no idea who she is.

Massive long, personal conversations and talk of the snowball fight they all had.

DH moans to her about his legs aching after work out, she says Ask '(DW - me)' to rub them for you. (with daft embarresed face after)

I go to bed last night, hes drinking, sends message to her at 11:30pm to start up conversation.

This is all through private messages, not on wall.

Appropriate?

OP posts:
Original poster
SoupOfTheNight · 19/01/2013 11:07

he didn't say will you rub my legs though.

Anyways hes changed his password on facebook now.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2013 11:13

Still make your presence felt at the school gates and tell him to stop being an idiot as well... It's all a bit of fun at your expense for both of them at the moment. A dose of reality is long overdue.

Sallystyle · 19/01/2013 11:17

He's either having an affair or in the early stages of starting one. Physical or not, he is playing a dangerous game.

Xales · 19/01/2013 11:24

Changed his password? So now made it even more of a secret what they chat about.

Not a good sign...

ResolutelyCheeky · 19/01/2013 11:28

I agree with cogito I have been in exact same situation with a good friend's h. I constantly reminded him he had a wife and had to cut all contact in the end. (it ended very badly)
Your h is embarrassing himself and disrespecting you.
Idiot! (him, not you)

TurquoiseCat · 19/01/2013 11:40

It doesn't matter whether your DH thinks this behaviour is appropriate, it only matters whether you think it's appropriate. If you don't, then it will affect your relationship with him.

Your DH is minimising this behaviour and is now hiding it from you. He is being a cunt.

Blatherskite · 19/01/2013 11:42

He's changed his password!!

I'd be packing his bags and changing the locks if DH behaved like that towards me

izzyizin · 19/01/2013 11:45

I not sorry to say all this fuck bollocks FB stuff is double dutch to me but, when saying he's changed his password on that site, I'm presuming you mean he's changed it to one you can't possibly guess rather than one that may be common knowledge to you/the dc?

If this is the case, I understand there is something (a keyboard stroke detector? comes to mind) that can be done to discover this type of info and I suggest you ask the sleuths on the geek stuff board for help to enable you to demolish his 'wall'.

As contact info has been exchanged between the potentially massaging messaging pair, there doesn't seem much point in shutting the stable door, so to speak, but nevetheless I'd be swanning around school premises in the early a.m, or when the school day ends, in something more akin to power dressing than pyjamas and an overcoat and I'd make a point of peering down my nose at conversing with the equally eager texter and helpfully recommending hemorrhoid cream a remedy for the bags under her eyes caused by late nights slaving over a hot keypad.

Don't worry about not knowing her her from adam as your dc will no doubt point her out to you as the evil ice queen, if not as one of the 'snowball ladies'.

I wonder where her oh is while she's indulging in her late night hobby? If she doesn't have one, I suggest you be afraid, be very afraid take steps to apply a blowtorch to his balls get their communications consigned to the ice house pronto.

DuchessFanny · 19/01/2013 11:52

I think the 'friend' of his also needs a word. Perhaps you can politely ( or not ) ask if she thinks it's appropriate to be messaging another woman's husband at all times of day and night ?!
And I'm afraid your DH sounds pretty smitten with her, if my husband would rather piss me off and disrespect me than stop his 'friendship' with another parent from the school gates, he'd be sleeping somewhere other than my bed !
And no he wouldn't be ok if it was the other way round !

verytellytubby · 19/01/2013 11:59

I'd be livid.

ResolutelyCheeky · 19/01/2013 11:59

Oh my long answer disappeared.

Wait until he is out.
Press 'forgotten password'.
Intercept email.
Check his messages, don't forget 'archivedmessages ' etc
Get your facts straight before saying anything to ow. She may be just a bit too polite to tell him to fo one.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 19/01/2013 12:03

It's perfectly acceptable.

...if you are single.

He has the choice.

Does he take you for a complete fool?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 19/01/2013 12:04

It's not appropriate. It's an emotional affair: he's spending time and emotionally intimate moments with another woman, that he should be spending on you.

The book recommended here in such situations is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

tribpot · 19/01/2013 12:15

So despite maintaining that there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about his contact with the other person, he has re-passworded his Facebook account.

Being charitable to him, and given we don't know how you came to know the content of their conversations, this could be a protest at the invasion of his privacy. But given he is failing to acknowledge that you could have any concerns about this contact, even if your concerns turned out not to have foundation, this action simply makes him look guilty as charged.

MadAboutHotChoc · 19/01/2013 12:18

Read this link:

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

He is crossing so many lines here and is well on the slippery slope into an affair...

fiventhree · 19/01/2013 12:24

Agree with Madabout, as usual.

It isnt what her intentions are, but his. And they are not good, whether he has acknowledged that to himself or not.

ItsAFuckingVase · 19/01/2013 12:56

I'm not sure I agree with everybody.

I don't really see that a friendship is inappropriate, unless they have an ulterior motive. I have a friend that I text late at night and share personal things with. Granted, my DH knows, but doesn't know the details of what we talk about or when we talk unless I mention it in passing as they don't know one another.

I've nothing to hide at all, btw, but if anybody at all suggested they'd been reading my private messages I'd change my password too.

elizadofuckall · 19/01/2013 13:01

OP I cant decide whether you think that this is a joke or that you aren't bothered..or that you are worn down and used to this behaviour.

Either way, the choice is yours, HOWEVER if my husband changed his password after being confronted with talking to another woman, i would be less than pleased and would not dismiss it.

Velcropoodle · 19/01/2013 13:12

It's inappropriate, as is his reaction, and changing the password. Can you discuss it calmly with him, that whether or not he thinks it is ok, you don't, and therefore out of respect and love for you, please desist.
Perhaps I missed something but did you find out because you were worried and looked, or is he brazenly texting away in bed with you?
I speak from experience. STBXH used to check his emails on his phone early every morning right next to me. None so blind....

DizzyHoneyBee · 19/01/2013 13:40

No, completely inappropriate. Sorry.

AlwaysDreaming · 19/01/2013 14:43

Op read up on how affairs start . From his reaction and the way he has minimized your feelings it sounds to me that he is already in the affair fog .

If he thinks its appropriate why has he felt the need to communicate with her in secret ? I would take a very hard line on this , right now , before it gets to the point he announces that he loves you but isnt in love with you and needs some space , ie , hes moving in with her .

Is this woman single Op ?

izzyizin · 19/01/2013 14:45

Alternatively, you can save time and energy by taking the easiest option which is pack a bag for him and tell him to go play with his snow balls on her doorstep while you consult a solicitor with a view to divorcing the deceitful twat.

atacareercrossroads · 19/01/2013 14:48

Not appropriate. Sorry op :(

FreudianLisp · 19/01/2013 14:54

It might be dodgy or it might not, depending on the individuals involved. My husband's best friend is female. Sometimes they text each other late at night. He'd hate it if I started pestering him to tell me what was in their messages. But I absolutely 100% trust both of them, so it's not a problem as far as I'm concerned.

izzyizin · 19/01/2013 15:34

Have you met your dh's best friend, Lisp? Was he friends with her before you married?

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