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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what to make of this text on DH's phone?

139 replies

grants1000 · 18/01/2013 20:39

Together 23 years, married 12, never a hint of DH having an affair, in fact his Dad had several affairs and he has always been repulsed by them.

He got a new iphone and I was fiddling with it while he was in the shower midweek, was being nosey as I don't have an iphone. I found this text from 'Emma' saying

"Yes, Tuesday night would be great, after work and don't ply meet with drinks this time as I have an early start! smily face icon'

He was going to London, staying with his sister as he often for work. I saw the texts to his sister confirming he was staying there eg: her texts to him and vice versa.

So I asked him what he was doing after his meetings on Tues, was he having dinner with his sister and he said no he was meeting 'Dave & John' (people I know).

Anyway he did not stay in London Tues in the end as he had to be back here for a meeting. I checked his phone and the Emma text has been deleted and I don't know how to look for deleted texts on an iphone, so I did not see any reply to her text.

I have been though his Linked In profile and cannot see any 'Emma' and been though his phone and I know 95% of those on it and those who are work realted. I called this 'Emma' and it went to voicemail with no idication of who she is or where she works.

What the fuck is this?

OP posts:

BillyBollyDandy · 18/01/2013 20:59

No no no no - don't text. You need to see his face when you ask him.

No one is judging, why would we? You haven't done anything!

MikeOxardInTheSnow · 18/01/2013 21:00

If you need answers now, ring him and ask him to come home by taxi, or go and meet him at the pub. You need to talk to him. Don't let him sit there with a text and think of a good explanation, put him on the spot.

BluelightsAndSirens · 18/01/2013 21:01

I wouldn't say anything via text and especially giving him time to think of an excuse.

Can you get hold of his phone and swap her number for yours and then text him as "Emma"?

MILdesperandum · 18/01/2013 21:02

It may differ from mobile provider to provider but on my network you can log in online and check what numbers have been dialled for how long and when... but I'm guessing you can't access this?

StrawberryMojito · 18/01/2013 21:02

Definitely don't ask by text, you need to see his immediate response.

Try not to torture yourself in the mean time, it may well be innocent. I hope so.

Corygal · 18/01/2013 21:02

If it's a brand new phone it could be a message sent by mistake from a stranger. Sound unlikely? I got one today.

In the past I've had sexts from strangers as well, which my younger brother found - oh how we laffed - well, he did. I was furious.

CabbageLeaves · 18/01/2013 21:02

I'm so sorry OP. I hope you get some answers soon

izzyishappilybusy · 18/01/2013 21:02

Ok just to say - specially as he came home and also that he doesn't seem to be disappearing hiding his phone etc.I am a mare for sending texts etc to wrong people on my smart phone I am useless with it.

Also on the iPhone - arent all the texts grouped together so you'd have seen his reply

HecateWhoopass · 18/01/2013 21:03

I suppose it depends if you want the truth or not.

If what you actually want is for him to be able to lie, so you don't have to face up to this (and I am not judging you if this is the case! It would be very human to want to make this go away) then texting him basically gives him the heads up and time to make up a pile of shit.

if, otoh, you want the truth, then springing it on him, face to face, with her number to wave at him and telling him that you are going to call her right now - will be more likely to give you the truth.

I am really sorry that this has happened.

It may be innocent. But it really doesn't seem like it.

MILdesperandum · 18/01/2013 21:03

Bluelights - I like your style!

Sugarice · 18/01/2013 21:04

No don't text.

Gather your strength and wait if you can til the dc's are out of the way to ask him if you are unable to contain yourself.

Matildaduck · 18/01/2013 21:04

I'd be ringing emma again. Can you ring her again? I think its fishy, can you get him watched.

If you ask him he'll cover it up.

EnjoyResponsibly · 18/01/2013 21:05

Blimey Bluelights I was just about to suggest the same!!!

StrawberryMojito · 18/01/2013 21:06

Izzy makes a good point. Surely on the iPhone you were able to see the whole conversation? Did he reply?

Sallystyle · 18/01/2013 21:06

I would probably be looking for more evidence, using keyloggers etc etc to get more evidence.. that if he is having an affair of course.

If you confront him now he could just cover his tracks better. I know it is hard, but that is how I think I would handle it, and pretty much what the Marriage builders team suggests.

The Marriage builders website has some great advice. I would definitely have a read over there before making a decision about what to do next.

It might seem overkill for one text but it is a very suspicious text and I would want to explore more.

Original poster

grants1000 · 18/01/2013 21:06

I am not drunk, just needed some Dutch courage. I have just texted him, asking him a few questions. I had to do it, could not get to sleep otherwise. I will be able to tell from his face tomorrow, I have know him since I was 17 and am now 42. The text will give him a heads up.

It was not a mistake text, her number is in his contacts and it's the same number he's had for 15 years.

I have the her number, but won't use it.

OP posts:

hpsaucy · 18/01/2013 21:07

Ring Emma again, then text dh and tell him what you just did. Then wait for the response.

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat · 18/01/2013 21:08

The bit that stands out for me is the this time she said in her text. Implies they've gone out together before.

When was the last time he went to London? Can you remember any changes in him then?

Definitely wait until tomorrow to raise it with him. Can you access his emails?

MILdesperandum · 18/01/2013 21:08

I don't have a iphone but presumably if messages were all being deleted the conversation wouldn't show up?

Original poster

grants1000 · 18/01/2013 21:09

I saw her text before he did and when I had the chance to look again much later in the day, the text had been deleted so I have no idea if or what he texted back

I feel pathetic

OP posts:

StrawberryMojito · 18/01/2013 21:10

You're not pathetic.

NomadsLand · 18/01/2013 21:11

The text is not so bad in and of itself. It could be that he knew he wasn't going to meet this Emma after all so he didn't lie to you when he told you his plans were to meet Dave and John.

There were no kisses or anything untoward really. People delete texts all the time.
I suggest you ask him about it tomorrow and see his reaction. If he's innocent, then you'll know it and he'll explain it away really easily.

Some people write really stupid things on texts and they aren't appreciated by the recipient. She could be one of those. I always think texts come out worse than they are meant to be - specially if they are read out of context.
Hope it works out.
I'd be tempted to text him though. I'm too impulsive though and wouldn't be able to wait.

MILdesperandum · 18/01/2013 21:12

You are not pathetic; have you got anyone close who can come round?

Jbck · 18/01/2013 21:12

I think it must be a mistake too, you would have seen his initial text suggesting Tuesday etc first in the chain.
Presume if he deleted it you don't have her number or did you keep it when you rang?
I would google the number too, if its a work phone you may find it as a company contact online.
Don't text though, do it face to face in the cold light of day.

Bigwuss · 18/01/2013 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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