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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

wifes shenanigans......

31 replies

chickenboy · 18/01/2013 09:09

my wife an I have been married for 15 years and always had a v close relatioship.
She went out for a night partying with her freinds a few weeks ago. When she returned home, I discovered she had met another man, they had exchanged mobile numbers and were sending flirty texts to one another whilst i was in bed(she was downstairs).
When I found out I was devistated... we had the rows etc.. she said it was just a bit of fun which got out of hand, she felt really bed it had happened but that she hadnt done anything wrong (other than flit and text). For a week or so she was creeping round me, but still managed to go out the following weekend with her pals!
Deep down though I felt my trust for her had been damaged.
This was nearly a month ago....

Last night I discovered accidentally that she is planning a girlie hotel weekend away, well actually two seperate ones. The whole trust thing and the scenario from before just slapped me in my face....

I told her how i felt about it, that it makes me feel uneasy,I feel I dont trust her like I did before, but was told I needed to move on not dwell on the past.

Is she right? Should I forgive and forget? Or have I the right to express my insecure feeling?

OP posts:

susanann · 18/01/2013 10:18

She is being insensitive at best! No shes not right. Of course you should express your feelings. Im not surprised you feel insecure. She should not be planning these weekends away at the moment. When you say you discovered accidentally about her 2 weekends away were you snooping (wouldnt blame you!) or did she tell you? Why is she going on all these girly weekends? Perhaps you and her should be having weekends away?

Numberlock · 18/01/2013 10:21

Has she gone away with her girlfriends all the time you've known her or is this a recent development?

AppearingDignified · 18/01/2013 10:21

Suggest that you and her go away. She needs to take her 'Fuck up' more seriously.

Numberlock · 18/01/2013 10:26

Sadly unless she wants to reconnect with you, there's little you can do, it sounds like she's already checked out and moved on - whether she's still in contact with this other guy is irrelevant really, she's in the right frame of mind for an affair so there'll be lots of opportunities on these weekends away.

How old were you when you got together? Did she have any relationships before you? Do you have children who are now of an age that they don't need her constantly any more so she's enjoying being a person again, as well as a mum?

Prior to this, how was your relationship - I know you say close but did you socialise together/nights out/weekends away etc?

izzyizin · 18/01/2013 10:26

Has your dw enjoyed many girly weekends in the past, or are her plans to go away with her pals on two weekends (consecutive? in the next few weeks?) somewhat out of the norm?

Are you aware of your dw having flirted with om on other occasions, or is her recent exchange of texts out of character?

Is she being secretive or guarded with her phone or does she leave it lying around anywhere as I often do and sometimes have to call the number to find it?

Of course you have the right to express your understandable insecurity over the flirty texts and she needs to understand that your trust in her has been somewhat compromised by this incident, but has your dw ever had occasion to feel the same insecurities you are experiencing due to your behaviour?

Do you have dc? If so, how old are they and will you be caring for them while she's away?

trustissues75 · 18/01/2013 10:33

I fucked up once....and immediately told my partner. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I did everything \I could think of to show my partner how sorry I was - asked him what he needed, encouraged him to talk to me about it if that was what he needed to do, I was completely open and honest.

Whether she goes on regular girls weekends or not is irrelevant, IMO: someone who is really sorry, and knows they are in the wrong and wants to make amends as best they can will bend over backwards to do that. \they won't pass off their hurtful behaviour as nothing, they won't belittle their partner's hurt and anger, and they won't expect their partner to simply move on.

Original poster

chickenboy · 18/01/2013 12:15

She is flirtatious by nature but not to the point where she'd go too far...(or so I'd like to think)

She's never been bothered for girlie weekends in the past, and we do have weekends away together. She has though, become recently quite close to a newish circle of freinds who have had these weekends in the past....so yehh, its become a new recent thing...

I think she is insensitive. If it was the other way round, I would not have had the guts or concience to even consider it. Apparently the weekend was organised 5 days after she flirt texted....says alot!!

OP posts:

SweetSeraphim · 18/01/2013 12:18

Have you met this 'new circle of friends'??

I would be suspicious, if I'm honest. I'm ashamed to admit it, but a long time ago I cheated on my exh, and I invented a couple of new friends, and also pretended to go on a couple of hen nights where I had to stay out overnight.

I'm not usually one to advise people not to trust their partner, but this all sounds extremely fishy to me.

Original poster

chickenboy · 18/01/2013 12:19

yehh... i know most of them.......

OP posts:

Numberlock · 18/01/2013 12:23

How old were you when you got together, OP?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2013 12:35

I'm sorry but she's taking the piss. Sees you as some kind of sad sap that will always be there, no matter how badly she treats you. Contempt, if you like. I think you have to be a lot less accommodating, insist that the girlie weekend is cancelled and then have a long hard look at your relationship, in particular on the subject of respect.

VoiceofUnreason · 18/01/2013 12:41

Agree with Cogito 100%.

Original poster

chickenboy · 18/01/2013 13:13

thats what I thought, but wanted other folks opinions...
I dont think it's my place to stop her. She has every right to go I suppose..but I can again tell her how I feel about it and leave it to her to make that decision.

OP posts:

SweetSeraphim · 18/01/2013 13:16

I do understand what you're saying.... it's not your right to stop her, but she is taking the piss.

If the shoe were on the other foot, and it was your dw that asked you to cancel the lads weekend - in light of having caught you out before - would you?

If I felt like I had betrayed my partners trust, which she has, by the way - I would do anything I could to try and help them trust me again. If I wanted the relationship to work.

fluffyraggies · 18/01/2013 13:21

It sounds fishy to me too.

I dont think it's my place to stop her seems a really odd thing to say.

If you're suspicious and angry i think you should tell her so. It could be argued that she can't do anything about how you're feeling if you're not upfront about it.

Original poster

chickenboy · 18/01/2013 13:29

"I dont think it's my place to stop her seems a really odd thing to say".

maybe im being too soft and need to man up!!

she has argued that she cant do anything about the way i am feeling, but going away on the p155 and staying overnight in a hotel doesnt make it any easier......

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2013 13:35

What a cop out...'I can't help how you feel'? She really said that? That's someone who doesn't care how you feel because she's going to do her own sweet thing anyway because you... muggins... will still be there when she gets home. After being caught out sending flirty texts she should be more sensitive. Unless you demand respect you won't get any, I'm afraid.

fluffyraggies · 18/01/2013 13:35

I don't know about needing to 'man up', OP. I know what it means, but i've never felt comfortable with the idea of a man 'needing to man up'.

You shouldn't bee the one needing to be doing anything, you see? She's the one in the wrong and absolutely can and should be doing something about how you're feeling. If she loves you and doesn't want to loose you that is.

What has been said?

GiveMeSomeSpace · 18/01/2013 13:40

OP I honestly don't think she respects you and I certainly couldn't stay in a relationship where there wasn't mutual respect.

I don't think it's a case of stopping her going away for a weekend. That's not the issue. Frankly, from you're posts, it seems that she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. Well she has.

Her doing something wrong is not necessarily a deal breaker, but not accepting that it's wrong IS a deal breaker.

Just let her go on the weekend and you have a good search in yourself as to whether she respects you and if you can live with the way you're treated. The more you chase and appease, the less respect she'll have.

Man up, yes. But man up by letting her do her thing and don't be afraid to walk away if it's not right for you.

Good luck :)

Numberlock · 18/01/2013 13:42

Point is though, she doesn't want to give him respect, or cancel her weekends away, or work on the relationship. She's already 'checked out' (hate that expression), his feelings are irrelevant so it's gone beyond trying to get things back on track.

Time for a tough talk and a few ultimatums, OP.

This is why I asked how old you were when you got together?

Original poster

chickenboy · 18/01/2013 13:55

im gonna make it clear that if she wants to go then she is to go, but she needs to consider my feelings.

OP posts:

Original poster

chickenboy · 18/01/2013 13:56

mid twenties when we got together..........

OP posts:

GiveMeSomeSpace · 18/01/2013 13:57

What I perpetually fail to understand reading lots of the Relationships threads, is how people choose to stay in relationships where there is no mutual respect. You can't make someone respect you or try desperately to win their respect. You have to respect yourself first and then ask yourself if you are getting the same back.

I appreciate that sometimes there are very real difficulties with leaving a relationship like, for example, finances. But surely the default position should be one of building respectful relationships and exiting those that aren't and only then dealing with any difficult practicalities.

I'd be seriously thinking of walking away from this relationship if I were you chickenboy

Numberlock · 18/01/2013 14:02

So what do you put it down to OP?

Had she not dated anyone else seriously before she met you and feels she missed out?

Are the kids are now a bit older and she feels like she's a person again, not just a mum?

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 18/01/2013 14:03

She shouldn't be minimising your feelings. I had a lot of flashbacks after my H's affair and a lot of trust issues. I appreciate this isn't quite on a par with that but she's being extremely insensitive and it does seem to show that she doesn't feel her behaviour is wrong.

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