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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't want to be the 'other woman'....

35 replies

JourneyThroughLife · 18/01/2013 08:59

Slightly long story: For a long while I dated an older man, very dynamic person who wined and dined me and swept me off my feet. He was divorced but I slowly realised he would never commit to me. Not only had he (it seemed!) slept with half the women in England but was intent on sleeping with the other half too. In addition, he had a long-term girlfriend (I didn't know about her at first) - he didn't live with her but they were quite a couple and went on holidays together and he basically went around with her when he hadn't someone else on the go.... It was awful and I walked away.

But at Christmas he got in touch and then visited - I can't imagine how he persuaded me to let him. Now he has got me to agree to visit him for the weekkend next week (25th). But I've just discovered the following week he's going away on a big holiday to Japan and is taking his girlfriend with him. Nothing's changed!! And I'm being pretty stupid here, if I go to stay he's basically "using" me for sex, there really isn't any relationship on offer. I just don't want to go.

Thing is, I don't know how to get out of it. He can be very persuasive and then, if he doesn't get his way, become very, very angry. At first I thought I'd make excuses and pretend I had something else on or I was ill, but I just don't want to lie....and I shouldn't have to. I wondered whether to send a text along the lines of "I've realised 25th isn't a good idea after all. You're going away with XXXX to Japan, it isn't fair on her, I will feel guilty, I feel it's morally wrong and don't want to be placed in such a position. Let's forget it, have a good trip..." sort of thing.

What do others think, what would you advise?

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 18/01/2013 09:00

don't even engage with him

change your number and cut off contact

he sounds horrible and manipulative

don't get into a dialogue with him

ohfunnyhoneyface · 18/01/2013 09:02

He sounds vile!

Cut all contact, nothing else you can do.

PetiteRaleuse · 18/01/2013 09:04

I would text him saying 'next weekend is off. Please don't contact me again'

If he does, change your number.

kalidanger · 18/01/2013 09:05

Please pull yourself together. Tell him "I'm not going to visit you. Don't contact md again" and cease to engage with him. Grab this chance to take control of your life with both hands and don't let go. This whole situation is bullshit. Please get some brains and dignity.

If he's really that terrifying when he's angry then you'll have to call the police :/

HecateWhoopass · 18/01/2013 09:05

I'd advise not contacting him at all and if he contacts you, just telling him to leave you alone and never contact you again.

You sound like you are afraid of him.

If you don't want him in your life - don't have him in your life. Getting your suitcase, packing your things, getting out of your house, into your car and driving to see him for the weekend is entirely within your control. If you don't want to do it - just don't.

If he won't accept piss off for an answer - tell him that if he continues to contact you, you will consider it harassment and you'll go to the police.

tallwivglasses · 18/01/2013 09:06

'Angry'? What do you think he'll do? Phone you loads? Come round? Threaten him with the police. Nasty, entitled twat.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 18/01/2013 09:07

Just tell him you no longer have feelings for him and you don't want to see him any more. If he tries being emotionally manipulative, just stay calm and repeat yourself. If he gets unpleasant or abusive, cut contact and block his calls/texts.

Original poster

JourneyThroughLife · 18/01/2013 09:08

Yes, you are right, I should pull myself together, and yes, it is in my control... I am afraid of him actually, even though he doesn't live with me or anything, he manages to manipulate things. Thanks for your confirmation, I really do need to just get him out of my life completely. A new year and a new resolution and all that....

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 18/01/2013 09:08

No, do not send that text, by talking about things not being fair/moral etc you are simply inviting argument and you say he can be argumentative and persuasive. You should be not going because he sounds like a horrible person regardless of whether he has a girlfriend.
Don't go. Then ignore him.

MirandaWest · 18/01/2013 09:10

Don't contact him. And definitely don't go away with him.

Original poster

JourneyThroughLife · 18/01/2013 09:10

tallwivglasses - yes, he gets angry. Sends a barrage of texts. 'Phones up. Sometimes turns up at my workplace, he had an argument with my employer once and created SUCH a scene, fortunately they were very understanding and protective of me... I would be silly to get involved in this all over again...

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 18/01/2013 09:11

You do not need to justify why you no longer want to see him. You don't need his approval, or to convince him (your attempts would fail anyway).

Just tell him "I will not be visiting you" and then cut off all communication. Change SIM cards/e-mail. Do not respond to his attempts to reel you back in: only complete silence.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 18/01/2013 09:11

Call the police to have him removed if he turns up at your home or workplace.

Lifeissweet · 18/01/2013 09:12

I agree with not telling him it's because you think it's wrong - he clearly has no such morals, so will try to persuade you otherwise. I would just say you don't want to see him anymore. You don't have to give reasons. He is treating you as some convenient hook-up - no more. You owe him exactly nothing.

I am worried that you have been accepting this and going along with it. I am sure you are worth a whole load more than that. I hope you can see that and find a proper relationship with someone who just wants to be with you - and only you.

Original poster

JourneyThroughLife · 18/01/2013 09:16

Thanks for all that, it's really supportive of everyone, thank you. It takes others to tell me the things I ought to know for myself...yes, I shoudn't need to justify why I shouldn't be going...

OP posts:

kalidanger · 18/01/2013 09:19

You can contact your mobile provider to get numbers blocked. I'd advise no contact but he sounds VERY awful so it's worth taking extra steps to remove him from your life. Put a filter on his emails to go straight to trash.
If this happened to be, I'd fortunately be in a position to chat to my boss and say something like "You remember that freak? I've had to dump him AGAIN and no idea how he's going to react" to give work a heads-up.

HeyHoHereWeGo · 18/01/2013 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kalidanger · 18/01/2013 09:21

Journey through life is YOUR journey, you're not on a runaway train

Lifeissweet · 18/01/2013 09:22

I hope it helps, Journey. I have a tendency to be a bit like you, to be honest. You know you are being treated badly if you think about it logically, but sometimes people grab a hold of you and you feel as though you need to justify yourself. It sounds as though he has the ability to muddy your thoughts and make you do things that you know are wrong, which is a dangerous situation to be in.

I think you should take a positive step and cut him dead - then come back so we can tell you to be proud of yourself. I think it might help your self-esteem to know you have taken control of this and been strong. Good luck

sansucre · 18/01/2013 09:22

I was in a similar 'relationship'. I wasted 4 years of my life. For a long time I could understand why he treated me like this and had the epiphany moment when I finally realised it was because I let him.

Ultimately, you have the control to simply stop engaging with him. Just ignore his calls or texts and tell him to leave you alone, that you're no longer interested.
If you don't engage with him, he can't treat you like this. Sure it will be difficult, you'll be sad, you'll miss him and all the other stuff, but he won't change. He has NO reason to change. He has a girlfriend and he wants to have his cake and eat it, so he'll just find another woman to see on the side.

You deserve far, far better than this, remember that.

Good luck and stay strong.

MadBusLady · 18/01/2013 09:23

Urgh, he sounds horrible! If you're ever in any doubt about how to behave now or in the future, adjust to the fact that he is not just a charming commitment-phobic past indiscretion of yours, he is an abusive controlling bastard. I can't think of any other way of describing someone who gets aggressive and out-of-control unreasonable when they don't get their own way. God knows what his girlfriend has to go through, but that's not your problem thankfully.

Original poster

JourneyThroughLife · 18/01/2013 09:40

Lifeissweet - yes, that's exactly it! Just as you have said, he has the ability to muddy my thoughts so that I end up doing things which I know aren't right, and then wonder how I got into such a situation. And it's all because I let him. I've also wasted a couple of years on this man and I should know better...

Anyway, thanks to everyone's support, I have sent a text but not justified anything at all, just that's the end, no more, no visits, no contact, go away, nothing... And would you believe it, quick as anything I get a text back - WOULD YOU BELIEVE THIS - he's currently in France (he has a second home there) with XXXX for a week and he's still texting me while staying with her !!!! OH God, what a bastard. I really need my eyes opened. Why am I wasting my time worrying about this? It's just obvious isn't it. I've switched my 'phone off. Will go out and buy another later (when the snow stops!) Thank you one and all...I feel better, can't believe I spent several sleepless night worrying about this!

OP posts:

PartTimeModel · 18/01/2013 09:46

He sounds like a total arse. I would send a very blunt text along the lines of "I do not wish to pursue this relationship any further. Do not contact me again", then ignore ignore ignore.

You do NOT have to engage with him any further. He is quite clearly simply using you, and probably many other women for sex. You deserve so much better. Do yourself a favour and cut him off - if he kicks up a fuss just ignore him - it won't last long if you ignore him.

PartTimeModel · 18/01/2013 09:47

You don't need to buy another phone do you? Just a new SIM card/number?

Original poster

JourneyThroughLife · 18/01/2013 09:51

Yes, just a new SIM card for a new number....although I don't have a particularly up-market mobile, I was thinking perhaps I should treat myself to something decent as a way of making a new start....!

OP posts:

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