What would you do??

[whatcanido]

Before I start DH & I are in a very happy and content relationship with each other, I am not looking for ways to call him or have a go etc..I just want to know how to support him.I am a regular mner but have choosen to hide my identity.

Basically I have just put the rubbish out and seen a Mcdonalds takeout bag in the bin. The receipt is dated yesterday.DH and I are doing our best to try and eat healthy esp as we BOTH need to loose weight.Having recently had a baby we now need to get fit etc.

Thing is, I am a sahm and I work my socks off every night preparing dh and I's dinner. I know dh appreciates me cooking esp as he travels a bit to get home etc.Days when dinner hasn't been ready dh seems grumpy mainly as I think he thinks I sit on my arse all day and feels it's my role as he's out working.(I don't BTW). I also don't mind usually. Dh though won't admit this.
After discovering this today I feel "whats the point", why should I rush around from 4pm onwards getting dd bathed/fed and dinner prepared.Whats the point esp when dh's been to mcd's on the way home.
Last night he said as I dished up dinner " I am not really hungry" WTF!!!! Now I know why.

After finding the wrapper I text him to say if he enjoyed it. He lied and said it was from Monday, not knowing I checked he date..Does he think I am stupid..??? He's sent me a load of horrible text's since saying I am nosey and shouldn't be looking in bins etc. I agree but I couldn't help but notice.He now says I have stressed him out further and thanks..ays he has enough on his plate without me questioning him.

He says he is stressed with work (I agree, he's self emp and is not 100% happy with the job, he's also studying a degree) and thats why he ate it. I do everything in the home, I try and make life easy for dh when he comes home. Right down to the housework/shopping etc. Says he has food and booze as a comfort where I have ad's (have pnd). Fine, but I can't kill myself taking my daily dose of ad's.He says he would rather die etc etc.

What would you do..???? He doesn't go out all the time with the lads, usually around 2 times a month (which I still feel is to much for a married father but thats imo) But when he does go out he's is out way beyond when he said he'd be home and is usually out of his head due to booze. We have a one year old dd and I feel at times I am the parent looking are 2 babies. .

What can I do to help dh, I have suggested the gp but I can't frog march him there. I just worry that one day he will do it to excess and die. Sad I know but I think it's so selfish. I don't want to be a single mother ever..

I can't talk to my parents or my pil as dh would go mad.

Sorry it's so long and I know it may sound trivial but it's now getting to me.

Are you sure it was his? I mean, I found an empty kestrel can in our garden refuse bin the other week, but I'm sure it wasn't DH's.

It's a lot more than just the Macdonalds isn't it?
(I find the occasional Mars bar wrapper about the place and we don't do that sort of food but dh gets the occasional urge.)

Have you sat down and thrashed all of these issues out yet?
Do you have an HV who could be primed to say something to him.
My m/w was very helpful at being frank (in a kind way) with my dh at what a poorly state I was in after having ds.

Sorry,but lol at Kestral tin!
That takes me back to student days.

Well, you didn't go through the bin in search of it - he didn't make much effort to hide it - it's not your fault you found it, so I wouldn't let him sidetrack you with accusations of nosiness.

Some will probably say it's trivial and you should "get over it", but in my opinion if it's something that you agreed on, to get fit and lose weight, and you thought it was something you were both committed to, then I can understand why you feel hurt. Even a small breach of trust is still a breach of trust.

I would tell him how you feel and why it matters so much, even thought it's such a small thing. He probably doesn't see it the way you do at al - to him it's a few quid on a burger, a minor slip. To you it's an abuse of your trust, a renegging on an agreement you made, and a bit of an insult to the fact that you prepare a meal for him every night. Explain why it upset you. Don't rant though, or he will just switch off and it will enable him to accuse you of overreacting. Just tel him clamly why it was a horrible thing for him to have done, and ask him simply whether or not he wants to lose weight and get fit with you, together as a couple, or whether he wants to do his own thing, in which case he can prepare his own meals/go to McDs if he wants.

That's what I'd do:)

If it was his then he had a weak moment and he shouldn't feel guilty. If he's lying he obviously feels guilty. You need to let him know you will support him through these hiccups but ultimately he needs to want to lose weight and get fit. Tell him if he has a big lunch let you know and you'll do a small dinner. My dh says he never eats anything blah de blah but then I see chocolate bar wrappers in his van. I now ring him and ask if he wants a dinner at about 5 pm (he's in around 6.30 pm). If he does/doesn't I cook accordingly. You have a baby to look after so not having to cook a dinner would be good so encourage him to be honest without the guilt trip.

well, tbh this isn't the 1st time. I have come accross choclate wrappers/mcd's wrapper etc in his car as well as the outside bin. To me it's like he's secretly eating and trying to hide the evidence. Why go to a drive through when you are 10 minutes from home where you know as soon as you walk through the door your dinner is on the table..????!

Yes the wrappers where his as he's never denied the fact.

I buy healthy breakfast and lunch food but he usually either has it along with a handful of biscuits or eats biscuit after biscuit.

How can the HV help? I just associate her with dd and tbh I don't think dh would even listen to her.He would also be working when/if she came.

I am just worried about him and his health. Does he not want to see his dd grow up..? I try and help him but end up feeling like I nag him .

it is so hard to change habits , i'd cut him a bit of slack and give him some support

i'd love to lose wt and am doing very slowly...but somedays only cake will do. and if dh then gives me grief on top of feeling crap myself, well it just doesn't help tbh

and twice a month out isn't that much tbh, it may be excessive booze, but maybe he thinks he might as well as it obviously upsets you for him to be out anyway

sorry thqt sounds harsh, and that is the last thing i wan to be- baby hanging off 1 hnd and talking to dh on msn, and not being very good at saying what i mean.

you can't change people i am afraid. They have to have had the revelation and want to change

sorry, nagging cajoling etc just won't do it i am afraid

i'd like to sound more positive for yo, but it has to be his call. you can provide a good supportive home atmosphere and cook healthy food, but it is up to him in the end- and time will tell if he realises/allows the change

i do understand totally, having loved with a smoker who broke my heart when he gave up then started again. nagging made it wirse for him tbh

Thing is he lies. He doesn't say: I went to mcd's on way home. He put's the rubbish in the outside bin...If I ask if he wants dinner I know he would say "yeah, I am starving"

We haven't agreed on getting fit together, it's just something we have said we must do.

I dunno maybe I ned to leave him alone and let him live his life himself. It's just I feel he is acting very selfish. Why wish he was dead when he has a loving wife and dd that love him dearly and miss him when he's not around the home.I wouldn't want any harm to come to him but I feel I have no choice but to let him self distruct..yeah thats what he's doing..self distructing...Why would I want to stay married to someone who feels so negative about themself..? I know I am the same with pnd but I got help and I am glad I did. But with dh it's like watching car crash....

Did mean to sound harsh about "Why would I want to stay married to someone who feels so negative about themself", it's just I would rather not be somewhere where I know something bad is going to happen iykwim...It's like he's going to ruin not just 1 life but 3 lives.

I do make life easy for him 99.9% of the time but it's getting harder for me.

sorry again, meant to say " didn't mean to sound harsh"

Could he be suffering from depression, do you think? Men aren't immune. They are much less likely to realise themselves that that is what's going on. If he is depressed, you can understand why he can't control himself and why he seems to be self-destructing - if you've had PND you'll know how impossible it is to get out of that hole without help. Is it worth suggesting to him that he might be depressed? At least it would be a way of him feeling that it wasn't all his fault and that he could be helped? Just an idea.

I think the poor guy has no outlet at all if he is misery eating like this and keeping it secret and then gets all this grief if you find out.

I do understand how you feel about the lies and the slaving over a hot stove for nothing though.

Can you say, 'look, I know the odd McD's is only a trivial thing, but I was upset because you kept it secret from me and then didn't eat the lovely dinner I cooked for you'. Men do need these things spelling out for them sometimes

If you want him to ring and say 'Don't bother to cook anything much, I went to McD's' you have to make sure you don't respond with anger. I know what you really want is for him not to do it at all but you have to live in the real world and work with what you have. He isn't turning to alcohol or drugs or another woman.

i know, dh gave up smoking time and time again.... now he has for real, but you just can't make people do stuff

i was severely overweight my whole life and didn't listen to anyone about losing wt... unbtil the yr 2000 and i'd reached a really unhealthy wt.

i took control and i did it, with support, but it was me who initiated it...

now i am overweight again and am trying to get my head round starting wt loss again,,, but it ois bloody hard..

i feel for you, pnd is a terrible thing, and you are probably working hard to deal with this. it must be sad to see somebody you love give up- but all you can do is wait and be strong- and kind

Maybe he feels under pressure to live up to your expectations of him in terms of health etc. Sounds like he doesn't want to upset you tho (which is good in a way) so hides the wrappers etc. Maybe you could spend less time cooking proper dinners but have healthy stuff in for you both to pick at or cook quickly (soup,chicken etc.) then kind of back off and see what he does - maybe he'll have a couple of weeks of eating junk then rein himself back in. You could treat it as an experiment. Nothing like being kept too tight on the lease for a man to want to rebel.....( I learned this the hard way)

I mean leash.....

gs, yes I do think he is depressed. Thats why his behaviour is so irrational. BUT how do I get how to admit it and do something about it.?

I have suggested seeing our gp and have actually mentioned it to our gp on the basis that they could speak to him further when he was next in surgery. That was around 3 months ago and he's not been back since. Won;t go alone or with me.He goes with medical issues but won't tell the gp the full story iykwim. OR I book a gp appointment and at the last minute he says " I am fine or am working". Certain things with his health worry me and I know all is not well but he just wants to bury his head in the sand instead of treating it.

Also he won't consider ad's due to the fact that he feels this is put on your medical record and if he went for a permi job it would be noted and is not thought of highly with management etc.I have told him his health is more important but he won't listen.He just seems to lie to me and by the looks of things he does it very well.

dh has said to me at times " right this is it, not eating crap and I will exercise x times this week."

I cook straight forward meals anyway but make them healthy and I support dh 100% even by not buying biscuits etc but then he comes home with crap or can't be bothered with anything. He seems to do so well for 1 or 2 weeks and then throws it all away.

I love dh dearly and support him 100%, I love him how he is and have never got at him about his weight etc, it's just the self distruct attitude that scares me. The eating the drinking, when he does it it's all way way way to excessive imo.

I will though take the advice and let him tell me if he wants dinner....but I know in advance he will say of course I want dinner.....

I sympathise. I know what it's like living with someone who is depressed and keeps pressing the self-destruct button - it's so frustrating when they know they are out of their depth but they won't accept help. The only advice I can give is to keep gently pushing the idea of seeing a GP or counsellor. Because he is a man and his main behaviour is over-eating I would approach it from the angle of "I know this isn't because you are greedy/weak-willed/a liar - it's because you have depression, you can be treated very easily and then you won't feel like this any more" rather than guilt-tripping him with things like "don't you want to see your daughter grow up". If it is depression then telling him he has let you/her/himself down will only drive him down even deeper, even if they are true.

It is true that ADs will go on his record - but it is illegal to discriminate against people for having treatment for depression, apart from in a few very specialised jobs, and it is SO much more common these days, there really isn't a stigma. It's no different from being treated for any other illness. I think counselling would be a good idea too, to find out what is at the root of the over-eating/depression, but I know it would be hard to talk him into trying that :)

Is he immensley obese and having any health problems?

Unless yes, I think it's worth looking at this in some other ways.

As Moondog says, this isn't really about a McD, is it?

Do you need your life to be validated by him cominghome and appreciating your meals? With a one year-old, do you need to be 'working your socks off' to prvide dinner for the two of you? Make something simple and healthy - but don't make it the basis if your relationship, iyswim.

My guess is he gets peckish, gets a burger without thinkig about it, end of story, in his head, whilst you are making it a big rift in your marriage.

Two nights out a month won't lead to him dying of excess, either. Do YOU go out? If not, do! You need some life (just a little bit!) that does not revolve around him and your baby. And try not to make yourself feel vulnerable through food - because when your baby is another year old and rejects EVERYTHING you cook, you are really going to feel it .

gs you talk sense. Thanks.

I will do my best to try and get him to speak to the gp, like you said even if it's for conselling. I know how I was with pnd but I didn't give it a 2nd thought when gp discussed ad's. I knew I needed them..I didn't think about medical records. I just wanted myself right.

I forgot to say, last week he's arranged to see a nutrationalist (sp?) but I don't know when. I just hope he keeps the appointment when he gets one and I hope it helps him out.I would even be prepared to go along to support him and to discuss myself etc.Things like this makes me know he want to sort things but then it worries me when it crashes.

Thanks for all of your advice. xx

Good luck :) He's lucky to have someone who cares about him so much xxx

Sorry if my first post was a bit flippant. Having re-read your posts and others on the thread I can see that there's a lot more going on here than just a stray McD's wrapper.

I think I agree with Molton - sounds like (for whatever reason) he's in rebellious mode. Is he actually so overweight that his health is at risk? Cos if not, I think I would be tempted to go easy and not push the healthy eating/non-drinking thing too hard.

blu,"Is he immensley obese and having any health problems?"

Wouldn't say immensley obese but according to bmi he IS overweight. I don't feel annoyed on the cooking side of things etc I just want to help him help himself.

Thanks gs. Your last post made me cry. Hope he realises I love him and am not getting at him.

Yes, his health is at risk.