The Great Escape

[GoodtoBetter]

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

[GoodtoBetter]

yy to ·"I shouldn't have to say"...do they learn these phrases at manipulative victim school or what?

[tribpot]

I'd missed the bit where she is being kept up nights with the anxiety over, er, some pictures. That sounds very, very difficult not to laugh at.

'Bit by bit' is a classic response, and better than my suggestion, would have been 'I know - I have so much to get done as well, busy busy busy!' and then rushing away.

what was there in the way of supermarkets in the village (how unbelievable is it that she doesn't even know??)

She does know. She wanted you to be forced through the pantomime of the conversation that then took place, with you offering multiple solutions to her problem as if it was somehow your job. The words themselves are not important, it's the emotion she wants to manipulate. Hence why her stories don't often make sense / contradict each other. Keep detaching!

[Herrena]

"I love you but it's not my problem" Love it!

I have recently been using the sentence 'Oh well, it's your life, not mine' when my mum/dad/sister all reject perfectly valid suggestions for improving whatever crap situation they're been grumbling about (and which they normally seem to want me to fix, without any further discomfort on their part).

They do not like this statement, oh dear me no.

But that's not my problem, is it?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Good luck with blue-arsed-fly Thursday, Good.

On with the motley!

[GoodtoBetter]

I still struggle with feelings of guilt. I am looking forward to leaving but I do have flashes of feeling bad about leaving her on her own and I worry a bit about her being lonely or sad. I have to remind myself that under normal circumstances she would have lived alone for years, that it's not normal for us all to have lived together (especially as I never really wanted to do it). I have to remind myself that any time it comes up in conversation, people totally take it for granted that we would "want our own space" and never question for a moment that it is unusual to want that. I've spent so long feeling it's my job to make her happy, that I have to go along with things, putting her first, I lost sight of what was normal.
DS was a right little bugger at lunch (over excited about the move and over tired and got a bit hyper) and ended up in a time out, there was much howling, wailing and general 4.10 yr old nonsense before he calmed down. DH said DS was as good s gold all afternoon, but that he heard DM asking him "what were you crying about? What was the matter? I expect she thought it was handled badly. It wasn't btw. This weekend I'm going to try to read the whole 2 threads again.
DH was saying he thinks she currently has 3 settings...with me: weepy, with DH: angry and with DS: super fun Gran. I think if she was really on the verge of breakdown she wouldn't be able to pull off angry and supergran with the other 2.

[boschy]

Keep going GTB, you just need to get out and I would guess that now it's so imminent it might seem a bit overwhelming? You're doing the right thing.

[issey6cats]

just wanted to say i have lurked on both threads and all the best for your move tommorow hope it all goes smoothly

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Better to accept that you are feeling something than deny it, but is it guilt. Could you put a different name to it, think of it as concern, touched by regret for the past and current strife. Looking ahead, you and your DH and DCs are going to enjoy a kind of freedom. Meanwhile M is not far away. She won't be alone all the time, arguably yes she'll be living on her own but she needn't be isolated.

Whatever I put here it won't wave a magic wand and stop you brooding occasionally but it's been a lot to think about and you've made giant steps.

DH is right isn't he. Clever technique manipulating those around her.

[tribpot]

If you look at it this way, there is a much higher chance of you being able to maintain a cordial relationship with your mum if you aren't living in each other's pockets than if you are. You aren't abandoning her, you're just clarifying your boundaries. Remember your whole life cannot be about obligation to other people. You matter too.

[Jux]

Hope it all goes well today. Good luck.

[Apparentlychilled]

Hi Good, I'm a long time lurker on both your threads, and I'll be thinking of you today with the move. Hang in there- it will all be done soon and you'll be in your new home so soon! Good luck!

[2rebecca]

I think when you're on your own you'll particularly notice the benefits with your son, in that you won't be both expecting someone to criticise all your parenting decisions. I think you will miss the childcare she has provided though and your son will miss her as to him she has been superfun gran. It's a shame she couldn't have put on a super fun mum face for you sometimes, it's obviously an option she could have chosen but bizarrely preferred weepy.
Moving away will make you all have to learn new ways of interacting with each other and may make her able to stop using the weepy persona as much.

[lizzypuffs]

Good luck with the move today. The start of a better phase in your life!

[GoodtoBetter]

Move is actually tomorrow. I booked today off work when I thought we could get the movers in today but nobody was available. I don't work tomorrow, so running around madly clearing ready for removal men tomorrow. M is in a foul mood, but that's no surprise. She was weepy earlier, asking if she should make more marmelade and whether I'd eat it. I said make it only if you want to make it. She got all upset saying that wasn't what she was asking, I said I didn't understand WHAT she was asking and to make it if she wanted to, that I didn't mind either way. She got all upset and siad there was no point speaking to me. Now she's back to angry, tight lipped, cold answers. Can I empty the dyson before I leave "because she finds it very difficult" etc etc.
rebecca she doesn't actually do any childcare really, she reads him stories or he plays in her room while she watches tv...she hasn't looked after either of them on her own since we moved in.
yday she said she missed me..I didn't know what to say..I do too, I miss that we used to have a better relationship and I'd like to spend time with her, but on my terms. I just said "it'll be better once we leave".
Have to go and get DD in a min. Still need to organise tools under the stairs and kitchen equipment, will have to wait til kids in bed. Then movers here by 9am and once it's all out I'll need to go round with the hoover.
Sore throat today.

[Herrena]

"I said I didn't understand WHAT she was asking and to make it if she wanted to, that I didn't mind either way. She got all upset and siad there was no point speaking to me."

But you're MEANT to mind, Good, your world is meant to revolve around her every action! She can't cope with not being the centre of your emotional universe, which is obviously ridiculous as you've got a husband and kids. It would be pretty odd if she were the centre of your world even if you were single FFS.

Deep breaths - it will all be ok. And take some paracetamol and have a hot drink for that sore throat!

[2rebecca]

Making marmelade requires more physical effort and dexterity than emptying a dyson, mine is very light and easy to empty. I presume she just needs to be shown which catches to release. The fussing over marmelade the day before you move sounds mad, of course you don't care if she makes it or not.

[GoodtoBetter]

Dyson is a dyson animal, she knows how to do it, she's just tying to make out (again) that she's incapable of living alone and that I am a heartless cow for leaving.

[GoodtoBetter]

yy the marmelade took her hours and hours.

[AutumnDreams]

The tears and claims of missing you etc are much harder to handle than her anger.......and Ill bet she knows this too. Its not normal for one woman to permanently have three seperate MOs with different members of one little family. Shes a player, and I personally think youll see the strong woman she actually is in the coming months......although shell try to hide the fact.

Will be thinking of you - with envy! - tomorrow. Good luck.

[boschy]

just keep thinking "this time tomorrow we will be free"!

[GoodtoBetter]

Do you know what...i keep thinking of the rooftop at the new house and the views it has over the coutryside, i imagine myself up there in the wind taking a great big breath of fresh air, literally and metaphorically.
Today at lunch she said it would take a long time to get settled and not to worry about coming over until we were ready. I said "OK".

[smornintime]

Today at lunch she said it would take a long time to get settled and not to worry about coming over until we were ready. I said "OK".

Call that bluff!!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

DB will probably get chapter and verse on perfidious GoodToBetter but within 8 weeks she'll hint you had all outstayed your welcome and it was all her idea and has worked out rather marvellously.