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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

The Great Escape

734 replies

GoodtoBetter · 18/01/2013 07:24

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

OP posts:

Report

goonyagoodthing · 21/01/2013 09:31

Goodtobetter - I come on here every morning especially to check how you are doing and I'd say there are loads more doing the same! You are doing so well, and I never have advice to post but I just want you to know that I am still rooting for you. You are probably feeling so crap because you are run down from the stress of it all, but it will be all worth it in the end when you are all happier (your mother included).

GoodtoBetter · 21/01/2013 10:35

Thanks, it's nice to know people are rooting for us. The removals man came and OMFG!! ?750 it's so expensive. When we moved in here 3 or so years ago it was about half what he quoted! But, then we were moving bit by bit for about 3 weeks and I haven't been able to do that here. The bits I could logistically move myself in the timeframe wouldn't really make much of a dent in the price and it'd have to be me physically doing a lot of it as DH is doing the DIY stuff in the morning and with DCs in the afternoon. I reckon I'm going to look at the larger picture, pay for it out of savings and at least it'll be easier on us o the day. Not telling DM as I'm sure she'd just crow over me and my stupidity for not being more organised or start guilting me..."you're so desperate to get away from me you'll pay ?750 for removals" which misses the point, but you know what I mean.
Still trying to prune as much as poss and organise stuff a bit for the big day but going to stop worrying about actually physically shifting the stuff.
Need to go back to ikea tomorrow to get curtain rails and curtains and table and chairs.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/01/2013 11:02

..."you're so desperate to get away from me you'll pay ?750 for removals"

Yep!

It's a pain isn't it but physically it's so exhausting and I assume for that sum he'll be insured in case anything is damaged or broken?

GoodtoBetter · 21/01/2013 11:19

yy and it'll be quick and they'll leave it all in the right place

OP posts:

NettleTea · 21/01/2013 11:29

and you can pass the job and responsibility over to someone else and not have to do it yourself. Thats worth the money given what you have been through to get to this stage

2rebecca · 21/01/2013 12:28

If your husband is unemployed could he not hire a van for a couple of days and get one of his relatives to help him? Can the DIY stuff not wait, maybe MIL could help babysit. It seems alot of money but if you think you can afford it and your husband and his family can't do the removal then fine.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/01/2013 12:52

Trouble is 2rebecca I suspect OP won't want to ask DM that favour right now otherwise I'd say yes good idea. Plus, having strangers in to do the job might help DM refrain from creating any emotionally charged scenes. DH isn't flavour of the month with DM so perhaps as well for him to busy himself at the new place.

GoodtoBetter · 21/01/2013 12:57

The DIY he's doing is connecting light fittings (here they leave cables sticking out of the walls etc) waiting in for white goods, building DS' bed, cleaning etc. We don't have any family that could help with a move and DM can't babysit and it's not really feasible to do it with a 5 yr old and 20 mo in tow. Also, I work in the afternoons and need the mornings to plan classes and atm am writing reports, correcting exams etc. There isn't really any way for us to do the move ourselves. Some things are just expensive.
Latest dig this morning is that she's nagging me to get in touch with the lawyer to change her will, because I'm obviously such a cow that if she died in the night I'd make off with the equity in this house and rob my poor Db blind.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/01/2013 13:04

Hope you feel duly chastened GoodToBetter (NOT).

GoodtoBetter · 21/01/2013 13:37

More silent weeping at the dinner table.

OP posts:

GlaikitFizzog · 21/01/2013 13:43

Oh dear! Is it too upsetting for her to sit with you? Perhaps she should sit on her own until you move

Or simple ask loudly " do you not like your lunch? There is no need to cry about it, grab a sandwich"

GoodtoBetter · 21/01/2013 13:52

I don't know..I didn't ask. I've been really busy this morning and the removals man came and then I was out so she's probably feeling sad that we're going and probably thinks I'm ignoring her. Then, when DS came home he was throwing a sprinkler around and was told not to, threw it again and smashed it. I told him (not angrily btw) to go and say sorry to her (it was her sprinkler). She was all "it doesn't matter" but obviously thought I/DH was being a right cruel bastard telling him off. So it maybe "my poor little GC" that made her cry.

OP posts:

Jux · 21/01/2013 14:55

If she wants to talk to her lawyer, about her Will, then she really needs to do it herself. You know she's only going on about it to wind you up, so ignore.

Moving is a nightmare. Mum got a packing service when she sold up and moved into our house, and it really does make a difference, well worth it imo. Count the boxes going out and make sure it's the same number going in, though.

pippop1 · 21/01/2013 15:25

It does seem to truly beyond belief that you should have to contact her lawyer so that she can change her own will (presumably away from being for your benefit at all)!

If her lawyer doesn't speak good enough English to make an appointment with then it's not the right lawyer for her as she won't be able to explain her wishes. Is it either pure laziness (lifting the phone to make an appointment) or just another opportunity to rub in how she thinks you are treating her.

Either way, If she wants to do it let her get on with it herself!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/01/2013 15:26

DS may just be acting up because that's the age he is, or he could be sensing tension and just making his mark. Either way, maybe no bad thing you'll all be in a different situation very soon.

tribpot · 21/01/2013 17:15

I think I would be saying "I'm afraid that with the move and my job and family, I have too much on to be making your lawyer arrangements as well, I'll probably be able to schedule some time to do that in late Feb" and if that creates a problem for her - tough bloody banana. The only urgency is in her head and to maximise the pressure on you, to remind you that by leaving you are upsetting the unbelievably complex arrangements around inheritance. Who cares! The arrangements need to be looked at in a more objective light anyway - in good time.

The removal costs are high, but the situation doesn't sound like it would be tolerable if you moved at a slower pace and a lower cost. When you can't take any time out from work to get it done you really need to throw some money at the problem.

Hissy · 21/01/2013 20:52

Oh ignore the will, it's another guilt trip.

GoodtoBetter · 21/01/2013 22:31

I told her I couldn't do it until at least next week. Checked with the lawyer and she said I just need to tell her when and she'll book an appointment with the notary, so I'll leave it until I can be arsed have some time.
DS' bed arrived today at lunchtime so he went with DH to let the delivery men in. DH said DS was skipping down the street on the way home, so excited about his new bed and new house.

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 22/01/2013 00:56

I think that is a task that can be easily forgotten about, considering how much you have to do.
I so love the fact she is trying to make you call the lawyer so she can change the will against you.

GoodtoBetter · 22/01/2013 06:42

I don't mind the changes she wants to make (I will inherit half her estate when she dies, instead of this house to me and DB to get the flat and all other money), I don't really care..have never cared about any of it. I don't even mind taking her down to the notary to do it. What I mind is the idea that it's urgent. I mind that because the implication is that it's urgent because if she dropped dead tomorrow I can't be trusted not to just make off with the house (as it stands the house would be solely in my name) and disinherit DB. That's what I find offensive.

OP posts:

Hissy · 22/01/2013 07:20

It's just to distract you from the move, to Fuck with your excitement.

She's playing the dying Mother card, just to take the edge off your positive, happy, healthy life event.

Just let it go into dots. Don't call a lawyer for her, she can do that herself. You're still mothering her, and you have to stop that. Give her the number, her will, her urgency. Your life.

I'd tell her to stfu tbh.

Roll on move day.

Hissy · 22/01/2013 07:25

Why not do some fake silent and dry weeping at the table at the thought of your mother dying?

Imagine the fallout!

She is pathetic. She's acting worse than a toddler.

Please detach some more, you don't need this emotional blackmail.

Remember who and what she is. Remember what she was trying to do with your H, your marriage. Remember how she's also trying to get your B to side with her too.

Cool, ice calm. She did this. She made this impossible to live with.

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tribpot · 22/01/2013 07:45

Yes, plus she is making it All About the Inheritance again. It's a weapon of control and to remind you of the need to run round after your brother (even though he's not asking you to) as well as your mother.

If your brother was that bothered about equalising the inheritance arrangements he could as you to sort out the lawyer.

2rebecca · 22/01/2013 08:28

If she's able to drive 90 minutes down the road via the bank she is capable of picking up the phone to contact a lawyer and driving the presumably shorter distance to see her. If she wants to do this let her, there is no point you moving out if you are both going to keep regarding her as incapable of doing this sort of stuff as you'll spend all your spare time looking after her. If she thinks it's urgent let her get on with it, it isn't your issue to sort out, it's hers, you prioritise your stuff. I would have just given her the phone number. It isn't a physically arduous task phoning the solicitor and as a beneficiary you shouldn't be involved in it.

tribpot · 22/01/2013 08:56

2rebecca - one of her other control mechanisms is not speaking the language.

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