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Original poster

Is 8 months without sex normal in a relationship?

32 replies

Boomerwang · 17/01/2013 23:01

It's on my mind a lot lately. My boyfriend is just not interested in me. I read something on another thread about sex ending is the start of a relationship ending and I'm a bit panicky now. I hope it's not true, as we have a 10 month old daughter.

Incidentally, I don't think it's tiredness or stress that's doing it, and certainly not on my part. He just isn't interested. It's at a point where I'm afraid to bring up the subject because I don't want a pity fuck and I am afraid of rejection also.

It must be because I'm fat. I'm approx 5 stone overweight. I'd make an attempt to lose it but then I'd be admitting that I have to be thinner for him to be attracted to me sexually, and is it fair for it to be that way or is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Alittlestranger · 17/01/2013 23:25

If he put on five stone (or make it six as I'm assuming he's taller than you) would you still be sexually attracted to him?

Tryharder · 17/01/2013 23:38

Is the weight gain a recent thing? If you've always been overweight then it might not be an issue. I think you need to ask him outright why he's not interested in you anymore!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2013 07:17

It's dangerous to make assumptions and far safer to have an honest conversation, even if you don't like the answer. Rather than 'why are you not interested in me?' try 'I'm worried about our sex-life... what can we do to make it better'. Good luck

iamwhaticallpregnant · 18/01/2013 07:57

i used to feel it wasnt important and was previously in a relationship here a year went by with nothing at all. no sex - but worse, no touch! it makes your self esteem crumble away without you knowing it as you dont feel attractive (physically or mentally) and we need that intimacy. As a result I put on weight - making everything worse. I couldnt approach the subject very well because we were in a friend place more than a relationship place and by the end i would have rather discussed ANYTHING with him than that. looking back i realise he had very big issues - he later when trying to get back with me said it was because he was terrified of getting me pregnant (due to his ex gf and them having a scare) but he also wouldnt show his body and had low confidence.

Now I am older I see sex as incredibly important in a relationship - vital for ur self esteem too.

Instead of focusing on him and sex being the problem i would focus on yourself and building up your self esteem! youll find thst once u feel better abt urself all the other problems appear clearer and easier to solve. good luck.

iamwhaticallpregnant · 18/01/2013 07:59

ps. congratulations on your 10 month old!! dont be in too much of a rush as ur anew mummy! :-)

Original poster
Boomerwang · 18/01/2013 10:22

Thanks for the responses.

I am also confused about the self esteem thing. I know I'd be loads more confident (and I don't consider myself lacking in confidence at the moment) if I lost some weight and spent some time on myself, but then if he started showing an interest should I be miffed at how shallow he was being?

If my partner put on a load of weight I'm not sure at all how I'd feel about him, sexually. I'm trying to imagine it.

I've come to the conclusion (right this moment) that I can't allow myself to lose weight on the condition that I will get some sex, but that if upon losing weight he starts to show more interest I should just go with the flow rather than feel any sort of umbrage. I'd rather continue the relationship than cause arguments.

I think he just sees me as his daughter's mother now. I certainly feel as though he wants me to walk two paces behind him, and often do, when he used to hold my hand side by side.

Now, where to start with losing weight? ARGH!

OP posts:
shine0ncrazydiamond · 18/01/2013 10:52

Is it completely beyond the realms to possibility to address this with him?

Anything else is simply guess work. Could you screw up your courage and say something along the lines of .. ' Look, we haven't had sex for months. Why is that do you think? ' and see what he says.

If you need to lose weight then start this for yourself, using WW or SW - join one of the many threads on here maybe? But don't panic diet... speak with your boyfriend first.

dequoisagitil · 18/01/2013 12:13

Is he acting suspiciously at all? Funny about his phone, later home, new hobby?

Original poster
Boomerwang · 18/01/2013 12:13

I texted him as he was at work. He said he hadn't had any desire for some time, but it is slowly coming back.

I don't know what to say to that. And the stupid thing is that if he came home and wanted sex I think I wouldn't trust him any more and I'd refuse.

God I am pathetic. I'm feeling really petulant about it. I want to say 'well eff you, I don't want sex with you either!'

Maybe there's another reason for feeling lower every day despite the grand move from a shithole to a lovely house.

Sorry, I've messed up this thread.

Thank you all loads for your perspective, it's really helped me to think things through.

OP posts:
shine0ncrazydiamond · 18/01/2013 12:24

Don't do this over text!

As I said before, talk to him first instead of going off at all these mad tangents and second guessing him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2013 12:25

I'm not it was wise to text a man about his sex life at work, let alone make any big judgements on the strength of a text ... Hmm You have to have that kind of conversation face to face and when you're both relaxed and with no distractions.

Original poster
Boomerwang · 19/01/2013 01:41

Ok today he came home from work and gave me a big hug. I expected that as he feels anything going wrong is always his fault.

In the evening he hugged and kissed me and he told me I was his whole world. I have heard this before.

He has changed a little, he is open to helping get the baby to sleep (she's having problems) and he decided to cook the tea and he was completely submissive when I decided what groceries we needed. It's his usual thing though. He tells me that he loves me, he can't imagine life without me. But it still doesn't answer the question of whether he is attracted to me as a woman and not just happy to be with me because I take care of his child.

Am I selfish for wanting more?

OP posts:
confuddledDOTcom · 19/01/2013 02:01

It's not unusual for men to go off sex after the birth of their child, partly because of the change to mother, partly seeing the birth, partly being protective.

After our second daughter was born we went about six months which is about the longest we've gone. In my last pregnancy we had to stop because I was having painful BH from early on, was on an internal tablet for prematurity and then went on bedrest for contractions but neither of us really felt like it anyway. Baby is 4 weeks old and we're struggling to keep our hands to ourselves. I think pregnancy can have unpredictable effects on the sex drive on both sides.

Original poster
Boomerwang · 19/01/2013 02:12

When I was pregnant we screwed like never before. I was hungry for his flesh. I was basic in my desires and he complied like his birthdays and christmasses had come all at once.

We carried on for a bit after she was born, but after around 2 months of age, he stopped and has stopped ever since. That's what's bothering me.

I don't know how long I'm expected to wait for his drive to come back. He's very affectionate, so I'm grateful for that at least.

No sex though.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2013 07:00

So have another conversation. A hug, kiss and making your supper is fine as far as it goes but, if you're still not happy with the outcome, you have to tell him. Be specific and don't be placated.

ohcluttergotme · 19/01/2013 07:57

when I was pregnant we screwed like never before, I was hungry for his flesh
Hmmmmm me thinks you have hairy toes!! Smile

SocFish · 19/01/2013 08:03

you're over thinking it. Just have sex. Once you're doing it/have done it a few times it will be easier.

talking from experience. my dh and I had a very long dry patch and decided we just needed to have sex. The more you have it, the more you want it.

It's not about your weight or your daughter (although kids do make it a little harder), just get back into the sack and you'll both be happier.

BlatantRedhead · 19/01/2013 08:26

ohcluttergotme what does that mean? Is hairy toes related to sex drive?

Branleuse · 19/01/2013 08:27

5 stone is a hell of a lot of weight to gain. It might not be the reason, but im sure it doesnt help.

Sex is and isnt about many things and it varies for everyone.
Sex should in theory just be about how much you love each other, but in reality, if one partner stops putting the effort in with their appearance, then its not unusual for the sex to become less frequent even if they are polite enough to never say it to your face that they are less attracted, and of course they probably do still love you as a person.

Branleuse · 19/01/2013 08:30

I do feel for you though. I gained loads of weight in my first pregnancy and my exh stopped coming anywhere near me. He never admitted it was about my weight though.
If someone doesnt have a mega high sex drive to begin with, it probably takes less to knock it off kilter than it would for other people

InNeedOfBrandy · 19/01/2013 08:36

Ohclutter me thinks your right Wink

ceeveebee · 19/01/2013 09:01

You had lots of sex in the first 2 months after baby born but then it stopped? That's quite unusual. I don't think I stopped bleeding until about 2 months in.

ohcluttergotme · 19/01/2013 13:30

Agree ceeveebee which is why me thinks OP may be a bridge dweller! ??

5madthings · 19/01/2013 13:36

The op has been around for about a year, I have seen her posting before and she has always seemed perfectly legitimate. Report if you have any concerns.

Op talk to him I wouldn't say it was normal or abnormal, it depends on the rest if the relationship, you cans be close without having sex as long as you maintain some intimacy and talk etc.

FamiliesShareGerms · 19/01/2013 13:44

If you're five stone overweight, you should be trying to lose this for your own sake and for your DD. If your DP finds you more attractive as a result, that's a side benefit.

If you can't have an honest conversation with your DP then the lack of sex is a symptom not a cause of a rocky relationship.

Sorry to be blunt