Sorry if in wrong place. Been asked out by a lovely man who happens to have autism. Advice please?

[FiveSugarsPlease]

Hi everyone.

I'll give some very basic background info first, so that i don't 'drip feed.'

I've only ever had one serious relationship. This was with dd's father. He had mild aspergers and severe anger problems which led to domestic abuse and the end of our relationship. No contact in over five years.

My daughter has a diagnosis of high functioning autism. She has not met her father since birth.

Since he left, i've only had two 'dates', but nothing else. I'm very wary of men. Not scared. Just don't trust them as much as i used to.

Anyway, onto the current issue...

One of my customers lives with his adult son. I've known them both for about three months, ever since i started working for them (I clean their home).

He works with his father part time as a painter, and also attends college a few days a week.

He is so lovely, and always likes to chat to me while I'm working. And i do find him very handsome and interesting. I've not been attracted to someone in such a long time, so it's like a first crush all over again for me!

Anyway, this morning while working at his house, we got chatting about a film i want to go see, but none of my friends fancy it. So he says 'I fancy you - i mean - it.' He clearly did this on purpose, jokingly.

But i got all flustered/embarassed and tried to change the subject, saying i can't really get a babysitter, so it would have to be during school time. He says he's off on Fri morning (tomorrow) and would love to take me. And if we have time, we could get some early lunch after it.

I agreed to go and he started planning times etc, and where we'd meet. I was just about to leave when his mum asked for a word. She says 'You do know B has autism, don't you?' I said yes. She said that he's never really been out with anyone before, and can have frequent meltdowns when things don't go his way. He can be controlling, and he's very childlike. She mentioned something about his IQ being that of around a 15 year old.

I explained i have a lot of experience of people with autism, and i'm just going to go out with him for a few hours, and get to know each other better.

But she still didn't seem pleased! I asked if it's because I work for her, and apologised if it wasn't appropriate, but she assured me it wasn't that. She finally said she thinks it's 'wierd'. It would be like going on a date with a child. She doesn't mind me being friends with her son, but not to lead him on.

I was totally shocked. And felt quite disgusted with myself. He is a man. He is older than me. But if he has a teenage/child-like mind, does that make me some sort of 'you know what'?

I thought maybe she was just being a bit over protective, but i text my friend about being asked out by him and she agrees that it wouldn't be right (in fact she called it 'sick'). She doesn't understand why I'm going out with him when I've knocked back other people who are less 'complicated'.

I'm just now really torn.

I'm so sorry if any of my post as came across offensive. I've tried to word everything as politically correct as i could.

I'd really appreciate any advice/opinions. He's just text saying how excited he is to see the film with me. I really want to go. But worried I'll be labelled 'sick'.

It now feels wrong. I've now got it into my head i'm off to the pictures with a fifteen year old tomorrow.

As far as i know, his mum isn't his carer or anything. So surely, being an adult, he's allowed to make his own decisions?

I'm not too worried about the affect of this situation on my worklife, as my contract with this lady is due to end in two weeks anyway (her usual cleaner will be coming back from sick leave then).

Thank you.

You liked him, yes?

Go.

If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Any r'ship might not.

But if it does..

Its not sick. He is an adult. If he truely had an IQ or emotional intelligence of a 15 year old I think you would have picked up on that yourself without his mum pointing it out.

Her concerns may be more because he has never experienced a relationship. Thats a whole new social situation to learn the etiquette for. Also, the fall out if a relationship didnt work out is hard for most people to deal with. I imagine that it would be worse for him.

Just because his mum still imagines that he's 15 you needn't - he is a grown man and should be treated as such. (Also aren't we all a bit more childish when we're with our folks?!). There may be more issues in the future but I can't see any harm in going out with him and seeing how things develop - maybe just take things slowly.

Good luck.

He's an adult. You are not "sick" for wanting to go out with him. Take on board what his mum said and perhaps be aware that he might read too much into things if his comprehension isn't great. But if he seems nice then I don't see why you shouldn't give it a go. Having a disability, mental or otherwise, doesn't mean you can't be a good partner.

My only concern for you would that work might be awkward if things don't work out.

The whole idea of labeling someone as being '15' is just daft. Of course he's not and he's got life experiences to back it up (like the rest of us). He has some traits that look as though they belong to a different age group. Who doesn't? I hate the idea that we label someone in a limiting way!

He's an adult. If you like him go out, if you like him enough after that go out on again and see where it goes.

I'd go, see how you get on in a new environment and what his personality is like away from his parents.

But be on your guard, same as you would be with any man after what you've been through

Thanks, everyone.

I know that i wouldn't want my daughter to be alone as an adult just because of her autism, but i know it would make me extra protective as i'd be so concerned about her naive-ity/understanding etc. So i can totally understand where my customer's coming from.

But all it is, is a trip to the cinema and maybe some lunch. I really don't see why there needs to be such a big issue?

He does seem much 'younger' and 'innocent' (not sure how to word it, naive?) than other people our age. E.g. he gets more excited about things than other people, such as telling me about his college work. And he's also very curious, always asking questions. But he's very independent and is very much his own person. I just don't want to cause his mum any upset/trouble.

I think i'll go, and get to know him a bit better, making sure not to 'lead him on.'

Thanks.

To go to the cinema with him as friend to see a film you both have an interest in is one thing; to go to the cinema with him because you are viewing him as a potential romantic interest is quite another.

If your motivation is the latter, I suggest you think very carefully whether it is appropriate or desirable for you to indulge the notion of having an adult (as in sexual) relationship with this man when, as his dm has explained, his mind does not function beyond that of a 15yr old and he can be controlling and have meltdowns if things don't go according to his plan.

Who do you think will pick up the pieces if you lead this chap on and then decide to end the friendship/relationshp?

I suggest you view going to the cinema with him as if you are accompanying a 15 yr old, don't start making cow's eyes at him over lunch, don't agree to any further 'dates', and play it light and not overly friendly until your contract expires.

Yes, Izzy, that's the problem. I am attracted to him. But i view him as an adult - he's 26 - not a child.

He is very gentleman-like, polite, well-spoken, kind and interesting.

I have no way of knowing whether or not anything further will develop between us, neither does he.

Should he then not be allowed to have any romantic relationships in case they don't work out?

I totally understand how soul destroying it is having to console someone with autism who is confused/heartbroken about something they don't quite understand. But it's part of life.

I'm beginning to feel like maybe i am 'sick'. I don't plan on throwing myself at him. But, probably thinking too far ahead here, what if he and i do have chemistry and could be a happy couple? He's the only man (non relative) in five years i've enjoyed and felt comfortable being around. I think he deserves to be happy as well. And if that means taking a risk and dating people, i feel he should do it.

Like you I have a child with HF autism.

My son while clever does have a lower than his age emotional intelligence, but he is only 10 now! I would hope that he may find someone to have a relationship with when he is older.

I don't think you are sick at all.

I dont think it sounds as though you are planning to take advantage of him [which would be my worry as a parent]

Go for it, take it slow.

I think his mum was right out of order. The idea of her son going out with a woman is clearly out of her comfort zone for whatever reason, but he is an adult and is entitled to pursue a relationship. As long as his behaviour towards you is what it should be, there is no problem, same as any relationship. You treat him with dignity and expect the same from him. Don't discuss it with his mother - you wouldn't with anyone else's mother would you? Just take it one step at a time and never continue any relationship out of pity or fear of upsetting the other person (or their flipping mother).

You've made an exceptionally sweeping judgement based on no discernible evidence that I can see, TPL.

If seems to me that, if anything, the dm spoke out of concern for the OP who she feared may not be aware of his condition and also for that of her ds who, understandably, she would not wish to see be upset if things don't go according to how he wants them to be.

Under the circumstances, and as her ds is living at home with his dps, I don't see anything exceptional or objectionable in the dm having taken the OP aside for a quiet word.

Obviously you're free to pursue whatever course you wish, OP, but i would urge you to be cautious about engaging in a relationship with a man who may have not dissimilar traits to those which caused you to leave your ex, and to give some consideration to the effect such a relationship would have on your dd.

He's the only man (non relative) in five years i've enjoyed and felt comfortable being around

It seems to me that you should also give some consideration to why you don't feel comfortable around adult males who aren't afflicted with conditions which may cause them to require more understanding/help/care than most.

Are you a rescuer by nature? Do you enjoy being the 'responsible adult'? Do you feel more secure in yourself if you can explain/excuse unacceptable behaviour as being due to a man's established and documented condition as opposed to other causes?

what if he and i do have chemistry and could be a happy couple?

Although I think it's a nice idea to go on the date, your projections are worrying me. Bearing in mind you know this man doesn't have the capacity for a fully-dimensioned, adult relationship with an NT woman, you are therefore contemplating embarking on a liaison which you would have to emotionally 'manage', much as you will manage your daughter's expectations and responses when she starts dating.

On some level, you seem to be looking for a sexual relationship that's actually more of a parent-child deal. I don't think you're ready for a balanced partnership. I'm finding it difficult to explain my concern clearly enough here without seeming to insult you, him or his mother ... so I hope I've managed to get it across partially, at least!

I concur with garlic and it's probable that this On some level, you seem to be looking for a sexual relationship that's actually more of a parent-child deal caused the feeling of self-digust you experienced and which was reinforced by your friend's comment.

I don't think so Izzyin. I read the OP's statements about what the mother had said and how she reacted:

"She finally said she thinks it's 'wierd'. It would be like going on a date with a child. She doesn't mind me being friends with her son, but not to lead him on."

I will say it again. It is not up to this man's mother to decide whether he puruses a relationship, or who with. People with autism are surely entitled to decide that for themselves even if their mothers are worried about them. They are entitled to some privacy too aren't they?

You seem fixated on the mother, TPL.

Let's say OP gets it on with this man and they become an item. Before long, she posts here that he smashed up her kitchen, threw a plate at her DD and has locked himself in the shed, sobbing uncontrollably, because of some disruption such as incorrectly-sliced carrots.

How will you be advising her then?

... yes, I am stereotyping! Forgive me and take my point, please ...

Exactly what Amberleaf said.

DS1 has a high IQ (he is 16) but is less emotionally mature than other 16 year olds.

Trying to put myself in the parents' shoes, I would be very happy for you to go to the cinema & for some lunch as a friend & then see how things go from there. I can completely understand why his mum would have concerns (I am also possibly over protective of DS1) BUT this is an adult man not a 15 year old boy.

I know with my DS that I sometimes have to let him do things I am worried about him doing (going to new places, dealing with new social situations etc.) in order to really know how he'll cope. More than once he has surprised us by showing a much higher level of "coping" than we had expected. My point being that maybe your friend will only know how suited he is to a grown up relationship when he has one (and I don't mean sex, I mean all of the emotional issues that go with dating someone).

My advice would be to go ahead, but very slowly.

He is NOT a child. Saying he has the IQ or whatever of a 15 yr old is just short hand for tying to get across some of his less desirable behaviour that you might only experience if you live with him, like she does, ie., throws tantrums, can be bratty, obsessive over hobbies, self-centred, or whatever. It is patently not the same as you dating an underage boy.

People with SN deserve love, sex, relationships, all of that, as much as anyone without. My brother is an Aspie, and I would argue for his equal rights over this stuff forever. However, if he wanted to start a relationship with a woman with a child, I would really try to talk him out of it, for the child's sake, as much as his own. And I say that, despite him being a sweet and wonderful man.

Izzy and Garlic seem spot-on in observing that you seem to be particularly attracted to men who are childlike, emotionally unavailable and inadequate (in NT ways), and need you to help, understand and rescue them. Moreover, pursuing a relationship with this type of man means that you are letting yourself in for constantly having to manage the worse aspecs of his behaviour, make excuses, minimise, tolerate a lot of crap, and, more importantly, expect your daughter to tolerate and excuse it. Terrible lessons for a child who will automatically struggle to understand interpersonal rules and cues anyway. It's like you're wanting to create relationships where you will be the long-suffering partner of a flawed and lacking manchild.

tread very carefully OP

agree you dont want to hurt hm or have a fall out

also agree with what izzy said, think about it

I am not fixated on the mother garlicblocks. What an odd thing to say. I would explain myself further but I have a feeling you're not really interested.

I admire your powers of telepathy, TPL.

TPL I think you are being very pro sumptuous about the mother. She is his mother she is going to know a lot more about his condition than OP. no dis respect but the mother is probably aware of things you aren't.

I have nothing to add because I think iz has said it all. I would be very cautious about what you are doing.

I'll take anyone's admiration, me.

FiveSugars I think it probably is worth thinking through the reasons why you are attracted to a 'type' of man and what you would be hoping to get out of a relationship, any relationship. I don't think that the fact that the man in this case has autism and his mother doesn't want him to get involved with a woman, is enough in itself not to go out with him.