Sorry if in wrong place. Been asked out by a lovely man who happens to have autism. Advice please?

[FiveSugarsPlease]

Hi everyone.

I'll give some very basic background info first, so that i don't 'drip feed.'

I've only ever had one serious relationship. This was with dd's father. He had mild aspergers and severe anger problems which led to domestic abuse and the end of our relationship. No contact in over five years.

My daughter has a diagnosis of high functioning autism. She has not met her father since birth.

Since he left, i've only had two 'dates', but nothing else. I'm very wary of men. Not scared. Just don't trust them as much as i used to.

Anyway, onto the current issue...

One of my customers lives with his adult son. I've known them both for about three months, ever since i started working for them (I clean their home).

He works with his father part time as a painter, and also attends college a few days a week.

He is so lovely, and always likes to chat to me while I'm working. And i do find him very handsome and interesting. I've not been attracted to someone in such a long time, so it's like a first crush all over again for me!

Anyway, this morning while working at his house, we got chatting about a film i want to go see, but none of my friends fancy it. So he says 'I fancy you - i mean - it.' He clearly did this on purpose, jokingly.

But i got all flustered/embarassed and tried to change the subject, saying i can't really get a babysitter, so it would have to be during school time. He says he's off on Fri morning (tomorrow) and would love to take me. And if we have time, we could get some early lunch after it.

I agreed to go and he started planning times etc, and where we'd meet. I was just about to leave when his mum asked for a word. She says 'You do know B has autism, don't you?' I said yes. She said that he's never really been out with anyone before, and can have frequent meltdowns when things don't go his way. He can be controlling, and he's very childlike. She mentioned something about his IQ being that of around a 15 year old.

I explained i have a lot of experience of people with autism, and i'm just going to go out with him for a few hours, and get to know each other better.

But she still didn't seem pleased! I asked if it's because I work for her, and apologised if it wasn't appropriate, but she assured me it wasn't that. She finally said she thinks it's 'wierd'. It would be like going on a date with a child. She doesn't mind me being friends with her son, but not to lead him on.

I was totally shocked. And felt quite disgusted with myself. He is a man. He is older than me. But if he has a teenage/child-like mind, does that make me some sort of 'you know what'?

I thought maybe she was just being a bit over protective, but i text my friend about being asked out by him and she agrees that it wouldn't be right (in fact she called it 'sick'). She doesn't understand why I'm going out with him when I've knocked back other people who are less 'complicated'.

I'm just now really torn.

I'm so sorry if any of my post as came across offensive. I've tried to word everything as politically correct as i could.

I'd really appreciate any advice/opinions. He's just text saying how excited he is to see the film with me. I really want to go. But worried I'll be labelled 'sick'.

It now feels wrong. I've now got it into my head i'm off to the pictures with a fifteen year old tomorrow.

As far as i know, his mum isn't his carer or anything. So surely, being an adult, he's allowed to make his own decisions?

I'm not too worried about the affect of this situation on my worklife, as my contract with this lady is due to end in two weeks anyway (her usual cleaner will be coming back from sick leave then).

Thank you.

Wowserz of course his mother would know about his condition far more than probably anyone else. I don't doubt that she would have some legitimate concerns for her son's happiness and for the fall out she might have to deal with. I just think that the way she spoke to the OP about her son was disrespectful of him and dismissive of his perfectly reasonable desire to ask a woman out on a date.

There are people out there who don't treat their adult children with the respect they deserve. I have a family member who infantises their adult child, who has some disabilities, to the extent that he is unable to live with dignity. This is for the benefit of the parent, not for the son. I am absolutely sure that this a rare and unusual situation and NOT how most parents of disabled adults are. But they do exist because I know someone personally whose life is restricted in these ways. I don't think it is OK.

A mans relationship with his mother will always be different to that of a partner. Yes she will have knowlege of his condition, but some parents fall into the habit of thinking their children are capable of less than they actually are.

In the OPs situation, no one can say how this man will cope with a relationship because that situation has never happened. He has a right to a full and happy life just as much as anyone. Yes it might be an adjustment, but its not a crime to atleast try.

I do think you should go slowly OP, and do not stay in a relationship that is not working just because of his Autism. Abusive behaviours, should they arise, are abusive no matter what causes are behind them.

my ex has aspergers and aprt from some quirks such as liking routines, certain ways of doing things, wanting things to be done his way etc he was a normal partner, his eldest son is high functioning autistic who now lives with a lovely NT girl and they are very happy, his youngest son who is aspie lives with his girlfriend who is also an aspie and they get on very well together, so while getting into a relationship with someone with autism is all plain sailing it is possioble, there are lots of peopl who post on here who have [perfectly good relationships with thier aspie other halves

that should be isnt all plain sailing posted before i checked sorry

Of course you should look at your motives, OP. However, the Mum saying that the son has an IQ of a 15 year old doesn't make sense. A 15 year old could have an adult IQ of 150. He may, however, process emotions less well or in a different way than and adult who is NT. He may have issues with things that the mother is aware of. Being very distressed if things don't go well with you might be one. I worked in SS with people with LDs and I would never have told someone, neither would my co-workers, that someone had the IQ of a 15 year old. That is nonsense. He is also an adult with the hormones and desires of any adult. It is really unhelpful to refer to him as like a child.

As the mother of a son with autism , if you want to go out with him, he's over the age of consent, and he's functional enough for you not to realise he has autism despite being experienced .... Go out with him. If you want to have sex with him, do. He's as entitled to a love life as anyone. Never mind what his mother may think.

Unless he has additional learning difficulties, then he won't have the IQ of a 15 year old. He might have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old, but that is an entirely different matter to having the decision-making capacity of a child.

As the mother with a teenager with Aspergers, I think the main risk here is that he might get too fond of you too quickly, especially if he has a tendency to fixate on things. You might have to be prepared to detach in a very diplomatic and sensitive way from a relationship that you feel is merely a friendship, but he sees very differently.

Having said that, my DS has had completely the opposite experience, a young lass who became totally obssessed with him when they were both 14, and even now stalks him on Facebook and hangs around outside the house while walking her dog , Poor Ds just can't deal with it.

I am absolutely sure that this a rare and unusual situation and NOT how most parents of disabled adults are.

Sadly not that rare. Having worked in a LD team for many years, I have come across quite a lot of parents who take this attitude.

Op, you won't know if the mum is right or being over protective until you get to know this man better. Go on the date, take it slowly and see how it works out. Plenty of people with aspergers do manage to have ordinary lives, are happily married and have children. It seems weird that his mother calls it weird. Her choice of words about her son is, well, weird imo.

My partner has an Autistic Spectrum Condition. If you are already acquainted with this spectrum you will already know a lot of work is needed but that there are also enormous positives - if it is doable it is worth doing!

There's a support thread on MN and I've also got a lot of help from AS and their Partners Delphi Forum.

Good Luck and by the way have you seen the film Mozart and the Whale? It is well worth seeing though the ending looks like they ran out of money and had to bring the curtain down in a bit of a hurry .

The first thing is that you really are leading him on, by omission. You surely know by now that people with autism often take things very literally. He has told you he fancies you and wants to go out with you. You have agreed to go out with him. He almost certainly believes this means you fancy him as much as he fancies you. He will have no idea about taking a relationship slowly. He will want the relationship to go at HIS speed, not yours. And that brings me to the second point.

The second thing is that he has anger issues ? he is controlling and has meltdowns when things don't go his way. You have been warned! So it really doesn?t matter whether you have chemistry or not, and it doesn?t matter whether he has the mentality of an adult or a fifteen year old. You really need to ask yourself why you are so strongly attracted to a man with such obvious red flags. Are you looking for a re-run of your first marriage?

Apart from anything else do you really want to fall out with your employer, his mother, over this?

She isn't leading him on?!

He is so lovely, and always likes to chat to me while I'm working. And i do find him very handsome and interesting. I've not been attracted to someone in such a long time, so it's like a first crush all over again for me

Sounds like the OP is attracted to this man, it was only his mothers reaction that has made her feel bad.

OP said she will not be working for her after a few more weeks anyway - it was a temporary contract to cover someone else.

I'm surprised I feel the need to stress I've never questioned the man's "right" to a sexual relationship. This right does not trump a potential partner's right to be safe and secure in her relationships, or the rights of others to offer advice when she asks for it.

"he has anger issues ? he is controlling and has meltdowns when things don't go his way"

THIS is the aspect that worries me. OP's escaped one controlling, angry relationship that has clearly left her feeling raw and vulnerable. I feel she would be unwise to pursue another, perhaps thinking that a valid reason for the behaviours would make them more acceptable this time around.

I can say as a parent of an autistic child, that his relationship and behavioral boundaries with me are different to those of his peers.

How he [man in the OP] may behave with his mother is not necessarily indicative of how he would behave with a friend/partner.

I understand his mothers concerns but I think she is infantalising him to an extent.

*different to the relationships and boundaries he has with his peers.

I can really understand his mother. I have daughter with Asperger's and can not see her leaving home or having a relationship. I, too, would want to warn a potential partner of problems that could be ahead.

All that said, I would wholly support his relationship with you and maybe I would try to see her 'input' as 'oblique' as in, her perspective being different from yours. I would go with it and see how it goes.

All of us, in life, need chances, 2nd, 3rd and 4th...
His mother is possibly trying to protect both he and you with the best intentions. But give it a go, do... you never know, he may well be lovely, and the one for you.. Gook luck

Yes, what Amberleaf says

Hi there,

I have a DP of 4 years who has not-severe-but-definitely-noticeable Asperger's Syndrome.

Where 'mental age' is concerned, it really isn't as cut and fast as some might think. For example, my DP's emotional responses to things, and ability at the finer points of social interaction may make him seem immature, but he is 24 years old, and he is nothing if not a 24-year-old grown man. He is extremely intelligent, capable, and reasonable, which, I think, contributes to his desire to work around his social difficulties.

There WILL be certain challenges associated, and it's up to you whether or not you want to spend your life dealing with them (And you MUST understand that they CAN only be 'dealt with', not 'fixed').

Above all, all individuals on the autism spectrum are just that - individuals, who respond to themselves and others in their own way, just like you or I.

Only you can get to know this person and decide what kind of person this chap is. I wish you both the best. x