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Original poster

Unwanted Admirer - how do I handle this please? Scared he's going to go too far

46 replies

ColdUnoTango · 15/01/2013 14:13

Saturday night I went out with a group of friends. Some I knew and some I didn't. One of the latter was a guy who happened to work in the same industry as me, like the same music as me, like the same films as me etc and so we ended up gabbing all night. He's also tee-total so was designated driver for the night meaning conversation continued in the car at 3am as he was dropping me and another friend off!

Now, as far as I was concerned, gabbing was all it was. He added me to Facebook - fair enough - then he started posting loads of stuff on my facebook wall about music/movies etc. I remember thinking "best tone this down a bit" as it was already starting to seem inappropriate.

Anyway, to cut a long story short the guy then sent me a private message saying he'd noticed me straight away as soon as he walked in the room, loved talking to me, gave me his number and asked if we could see each other again. I sent him a message back saying I'd had a great night, enjoyed the chat we had but I was in a relationship (and was committed to that relationship) so meeting up would probably be inappropriate (was this message ok btw?? never had to do one of those before!). He said it was a shame as mutual friends had told him during the night that my boyfriend treats me like shit and I deserve better!!

I toned all contact down after this, as far as I was concerned, I'd told him, that was the end of it.

Yesterday however he sent me a message saying he was getting tickets to one of my favourite bands and should he get me one!! I ignored that.

Then this morning he sent me a message saying good morning, just a quick note to say how glad I am that I met you

And just now another message saying "why would meeting up be inappropriate anyway?? ;-)

I've been with my boyfriend 6 months, I love him and yes we've just got over a bit of a rocky patch but we're back on track now and I'm scared this guy is going to go too far and either post something dodgy on my wall where my boyfriend can see it and actually message him or something! plus as he dropped me off that night, he knows where I live.

How do I handle this and should I tell my boyfriend what is going on?

OP posts:
Yakshemash · 15/01/2013 14:16

Personally, I'd defriend him on Facebook (or block him, or whatever it is you do - Facebook refuser here), text him and tell him to stop pestering you, and tell your boyfriend what you've told us.

He's out of line and is making you feel uncomfortable. That's more than enough reason to tell him to fuck off.

deleted203 · 15/01/2013 14:17

I'm not a FB expert (don't have an account!) but if I were you I think I would send him one last message saying, 'Please don't contact me again. I have tried to be polite, but I have told you I am in a relationship and I am not interested in you'. And then I would de-friend him. I think it very unlikely that he will turn up on your doorstep, but if he does the next response would be to tell him that you will be reporting him to the police for harassment.

PureQuintessence · 15/01/2013 14:18

This guy is a bunny boiler, and he has NO respect for you.

He is not listening to you, and dont take no for an answer. I would block him on facebook.

twinklesparkles · 15/01/2013 14:20

Oh god, what a nutter ..

First of all, tell him you and your boyfriend are fine, and whatever your friends opinions are, are their opinions and not an accurate explanation of the situation (does that make sense lol??)

Second, just stop replying, or reply to the txts, just say you aren't interested and are taken...

Delete him from facebook, that normally does the trick. So even if he's txting you hell prob get pissed off about the facebook thing.

Hugs, try not to let this go to far, he really does sound weird

Make sure you aren't sending kisses on txts ect, even if you do for everyone else

BoysAreLikeDogs · 15/01/2013 14:21

God yes block on fb, don't engage or respond

ladyWordy · 15/01/2013 14:23

Don't like the sound of him at all. All that liking the same x,y and z is incredibly easy to fake, too; it's a way to build rapport where there is none.

Tell him firmly that you don't want any further contact. Then you will need to block him out, everywhere that applies.

Original poster
ColdUnoTango · 15/01/2013 14:24

The thing is, as I'd had a bit to drink I confided in one of the friends about the trouble me and my boyfriend had recently had. This friend happened to be left in the car with this guy after I got out and has told him everything! Now can you imagine if this guy decides to message my boyfriend with what he knows? it's going to look like I've been confiding in other guys or having some kind of emotional affair.

I wouldn't mind but my Facebook profile says I'm in a relationship too.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/01/2013 14:25

Defriend immediately!

StuffezLaBouche · 15/01/2013 14:25

Urgh, isn't it vile having some slimy wanker like this - who doesn't see you as a person with her own mind? Who obviously thinks "me want, me take" with regard to women? Obviously your fault by giving him the come on all night. (Men like this don't understand the concept of friendly, platonic chat)
De-friend!

Original poster
ColdUnoTango · 15/01/2013 14:25

Also don't really want to text him as that will give him my number (something I managed to keep from him). All the mutual friends keep going on about what a lovely guy he is and I wouldn't be surprised if they don't pass my number on to him anyway if he asks for it.

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 15/01/2013 14:25

Tell your boyfriend the truth.

PureQuintessence · 15/01/2013 14:26

Defriend definitely, but I would have a stern word with other friend about betraying your trust when you confided in him.

PureQuintessence · 15/01/2013 14:27

Yes, I agree with telling your boyfriend the truth.

BeerTricksPotter · 15/01/2013 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuffezLaBouche · 15/01/2013 14:28

Well your friend is a knob for telling him everything.
Can I ask a question and sorry if I've got this totally wrong... Did YOU mention to him about the troubles you've had with your boyfriend, and are now feeling you shouldn't have?

BeerTricksPotter · 15/01/2013 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellymelly · 15/01/2013 14:31

I think he has latched onto the "probably" as a sign that maybe you are mulling over meeting up. He is keen on you, but clearly you have to put a stop to his pursuit. I would write again, saying that despite what your friend may have said to him, things are fine with your boyfriend, you would not mess around and see other men, and you are not going to meet up with him. Be absolute and firm. And tell any mutual friends to make it clear you are not single and therefore not interested.

Original poster
ColdUnoTango · 15/01/2013 14:31

The friend I told is female and she was dying to set me up with this guy all night, I could tell (I'd told her about the troubles before she started playing cupid).

When I messaged this guy back to tell him I was in a relationship I did mention that things had been rocky *because he knew already as was more or less using as an excuse to ignore the relationship status) but that I'd decided to give the relationship another go and was totally committed to that. Now obviously I'm thinking I really shouldn't have said that :-(

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 15/01/2013 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuffezLaBouche · 15/01/2013 14:33

No you probably shouldn't and he will definitely be clinging onto that as a "challenge." As others have said, a firm message and a block are the best things to do from now on and a stern word with your friends about they're behaviour. They obviously don't like your boyfriend very much, but they need to respect your decisions.

PureQuintessence · 15/01/2013 14:35

The fact that you have a boyfriend is rather here nor there.

You have told him you are not keen. He does not respect that.

You could try a final message "The point is that I am just not into you. Even if I did not have a boyfriend, I would still not be interested in you. I enjoyed our chat but I am not keen on meeting up. I have tried to be polite, but I find your insistence disrespectful and I ask now that you stop contacting me".

Then you can de-friend him.

Helltotheno · 15/01/2013 14:38

Defriend him on FB, prob solved.
Play down the rest of it, you did nothing wrong.

Separately though, is your BF a twunt? Tell us all about the rocky patch and we'll decide!! Then you can defriend two twunts with one stone while you're at it Grin

PureQuintessence · 15/01/2013 14:41

Ay. If you have a rocky patch just six months in and had to re evaluate your relationship and decide to "give it another go", you are probably in for heartache soon anyway.

Tell us.

Yakshemash · 15/01/2013 14:42

Echo Pure's point about your relationship 'status' being an irrelevance.

You are allowed to tell men to fuck off even if you don't have a boyfriend! Grin

larrygrylls · 15/01/2013 14:48

I think the use of "inappropriate" would encourage a lot of people. It imples that, were it appropriate, you would be keen. You neither have to explain yourself nor be gratuitously rude. A firm "no thanks, I don't want to date /meet you" suits your purpose perfectly. Personally, I think he is on the cusp between trying hard and being a bit stalkerish.

I would try the above once and then, if he persists, block him wherever possible and ignore anything further. And, if he still persists, police..

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