Unwanted Admirer - how do I handle this please? Scared he's going to go too far

[ColdUnoTango]

Saturday night I went out with a group of friends. Some I knew and some I didn't. One of the latter was a guy who happened to work in the same industry as me, like the same music as me, like the same films as me etc and so we ended up gabbing all night. He's also tee-total so was designated driver for the night meaning conversation continued in the car at 3am as he was dropping me and another friend off!

Now, as far as I was concerned, gabbing was all it was. He added me to Facebook - fair enough - then he started posting loads of stuff on my facebook wall about music/movies etc. I remember thinking "best tone this down a bit" as it was already starting to seem inappropriate.

Anyway, to cut a long story short the guy then sent me a private message saying he'd noticed me straight away as soon as he walked in the room, loved talking to me, gave me his number and asked if we could see each other again. I sent him a message back saying I'd had a great night, enjoyed the chat we had but I was in a relationship (and was committed to that relationship) so meeting up would probably be inappropriate (was this message ok btw?? never had to do one of those before!). He said it was a shame as mutual friends had told him during the night that my boyfriend treats me like shit and I deserve better!!

I toned all contact down after this, as far as I was concerned, I'd told him, that was the end of it.

Yesterday however he sent me a message saying he was getting tickets to one of my favourite bands and should he get me one!! I ignored that.

Then this morning he sent me a message saying good morning, just a quick note to say how glad I am that I met you

And just now another message saying "why would meeting up be inappropriate anyway?? ;-)

I've been with my boyfriend 6 months, I love him and yes we've just got over a bit of a rocky patch but we're back on track now and I'm scared this guy is going to go too far and either post something dodgy on my wall where my boyfriend can see it and actually message him or something! plus as he dropped me off that night, he knows where I live.

How do I handle this and should I tell my boyfriend what is going on?

And you are allowed to find someone else, because you are not married.

But if this guy is verging on stalker, and you don't want anything to do with him, then tell him to back off, and if he doesn't that you'll report him to the police (if it gets bad enough for you).

He sounds like his boundaries are rather blurred and I suggest you dump socially-constructed politeness and tell him very firmly that you wouldn't be interested in him whether or not you were in another relationship. Don't enter into more debates about what is/isn't appropriate. Then block. And have a stiff word with your friends too.

Probably your 'friend' has built up his hopes if she's told him how awful she thinks your boyfriend is, how suited you are and how she'll root for him. However, you have clearly told him you don't want to meet etc so he should have some dignity and respect and back off.

I would tell your boyfriend depending on what the rough patch was caused by. If it was jealousy and focused on you going out, I might not go into it.

Definitely one last message saying "Please don't contact me again" and making it clear that it's because you're not interested in him. NOT because you're in a relationship, but because you just aren't interested.

That kind of person will pounce on any chink of hope. So far, he's been able to tell himself that if you weren't in this relationship - which he's been told by other people is a bad relationship, then you would DEFINITELY be with him.

And then block him on FB.

And tell your friends to butt out. They are being meddling, indiscreet and treating you very badly. Even if they think you shouldn't be with your current boyfriend - and for all I know, they might be right - they still should not be trying to fix you up against your will with somebody else. You don't have to just lurch from one man to the next. You have some choice in the matter!

Incidentally, you sound rather overly frightened about what might happen if your boyfriend found out about this. Is he a jealous/possessive type ? You should be able to confide in him, even if you were a bit loose-mouthed on that particular evening about the "rocky patch (...after 6 months...??) you have had/are having.

I'm not frightened of my boyfriend and he's not possessive or jealous - in fact the rough patch was caused by him being somewhat deceitful but I don't want to go too far into that or it will turn into a "leave the bastard" thread which I really don't need right now. The point is, I decided to give him a second chance and we've been getting on well since, I suppose I'm just worried that this will rock the boat again.

I'll mention it to him when he gets in from work. Basically I'm going to say I'm telling him about it simply because it's the kind of thing I'd expect him to be honest with me about.

You should be able to tell him but I feel sad that 6 months in you're nervous about rocking the boat and the fact you assume we'd say leave the bastard.

It sounds a little like you don't like to upset people (not many of us do!) but sometimes you have to put your feelings first. It is hard to tell this guy to do one but it needs to be clear and not a 'letting him down gently' response.

I had a very similar situation but pre-FaceBook. I had to be really firm in saying it was never going to happen but I really struggled with it as it felt almost big headed/cruel. I had a very possessive partner at the time though so I was terrified it would be misinterpreted.

Fair enough, OP. I would expect his reaction to this to be absolutely exemplary though, just for the record (bearing in mind he has put your relationship at risk with his own behaviour during what should still be the "honeymoon" period)

Deceitfulness is not incompatible with possessiveness or jealousy OP. They often go hand in hand.

What will 'rocking the boat' mean? What will happen?

Tell your boyfriend but maybe word it in a different way

So insteada saying you got a lift home from random guy who knows all about your relationship and is tryna get you

Say, babe really worried cos there's this guy harrasing me ect ect

Might make your boyfriend more protective of you rather than angry :)

If you're of the opinion that revealing the extent of your bf's 'deceit' will cue a Greek chorus of LTB, it's patently that you should LTB without further ado.

Two nutters dodgy geezers in 6 months? It's time to evaluate where you're going wrong what vibes you're giving off, honey, and fine tune your twat radar.

ohhh, have alarm-bells about this boyfriend....

Deceitfulness/jealousy often go hand in hand as there can sometimes be a degree of projection involved there ie. because they are a lying arsehole they judge others by the same token.

He sounds really irritating! I know you're not interested, but can you imagine just how damned annoying he would be to actually date? He would be one of those twats that would disagree with you whenever you said you didn't want to do something, patronisingly telling you that he knew yourself better than you did. And he obviously thinks theres nothing wrong with cheating!

Defriend, block and ignore. You owe him nothing, not an explanation, not a polite response. These creeps work on the premise of worming their ways into your lives. No way should you have him as a friend on Facebook, and tough if your friends don't like it - I doubt they don't realise his true character.

There are so many of these annoying twats around!

Tell ur boyfriend - Dont keep it secret from him... Also keep all texes / measages , everything

Don't even bother communicating. Just defriend. This guy is not your friend he is hardly even an acquaintance. Most of my FB friends are genuine friends. There is the odd one who has sent me a request and I've clicked 'accept' so as not to be rude then quietly unfriended later

Some people will 'friend' anyone and have over a thousand 'friends'. It's meaningless.

Just defriend him and stop tying yourself up in knots about it. What he's done so far isn't really stalkerish, it's just keen (and tbf, you shouldn't have talked about your bf problems with a virtual stranger). Your friend certainly shouldn't have encouraged him. Maybe you need to ask yourself why your friend dislikes your boyfriend so much she would try to find you another one though.

Defriend and if he persists then talk to your bf. I wouldn't bother at this stage, there isn't a lot to tell, is there?

You are getting yourself in a state about this, and there is no need. Are you just enjoying the attention? This is not a drama. It's not even really a problem.

Rocky patch after six months

Don't think the guy's that creepy. If he's weirding you out, show the boyfriend his messages whilst sending another saying 'please leave me alone, I'm really not interested.'

I'm puzzled as to why Mumsnet thinks all relationships should run smoothly and blandly in the initial stages - quite often the best relationships are the ones where you have to work a little and realise how much you care about each other. Its not necessarily a red flag, and the OP is probably regretting her use of the word "deceitful" - it could mean all sorts - my now DH didn't mention that his stalkerish ex had moved into the same street for a while because he thought it would upset me/was a bit irrelevant to us.

I really do think the unwanted admirer has far more red flags. Telling someone their current relationship is unhappy is far too forward from someone you barely know and is highly manipulative. There seems to be a type of control freak man who specialises in sending what they assume to be too nice to tell them to fuck off women constant FB messages into their lives somehow.

I sympathise with the OP because I had to block one such twat today - after 12 unanswered pms in 5 days, the last one of which was "Why are you ignoring me?". I don't think this is attention seeking on either my part or that of the OP - its actually quite disturbing, and unfortunatley too many women are brought up to be nice to men at all costs, even when they are behaving like bunny boilers.

You could a) thank him again for the offer of ticket but "no thanks" and then don't reply to anything else. Or just block him from Facebook. You shouldn't have to justify not wanting to meet him, boyfriend or not. He sounds a bit creepy doesn't he? but I'm sure if you ignore him he'll get the message.

"The thing is, as I'd had a bit to drink I confided in one of the friends about the trouble me and my boyfriend had recently had. This friend happened to be left in the car with this guy after I got out and has told him everything! Now can you imagine if this guy decides to message my boyfriend with what he knows? it's going to look like I've been confiding in other guys or having some kind of emotional affair. "

pure speculation on my part but... could it have been HIM that was quizzing your friend about the state of your current relationship rather than her blurting all?

I'd be really if someone I'd just met plastered crap all over my Facebook wall even if we did share similar interests. He clearly doesn't understand online etiquette any more than he respects real life boundaries.

What the others say. Defriend. Don't leave room for ambiguity in letting him know that you are not interested in him whether in a relationship or not (not that that is any of his business). People like him do not understand subtlety.