DH just told me he wants to separate because I'm a bit moody...

[mojoawol]

DH and I have been married just over 3 years. Up until recently I was unemployed, then had baby, so was at home until I started work about 6 months ago. Whilst I was not working, obviously I did pretty much everything round the house, however, since starting work (full-time) DH has not stepped in to share domestic burden.
We have talked about it, rowed about it (I don't recognise the things he does do enough apparently, like occasionally doing the school run, or sometimes getting up with the little one in the night - even if that does entail then waking me to ask for help or take over). Anyway - all the cooking, washing, bathing, getting kids ready in the morning (we have 3 kids, 1 each from previous and little one) etc seems to fall to me.
Seeing as despite my attempts to encourage DH to help out/get involved/pitch in (however I try to put it), it falls on deaf ears, so when I'm rushing to get everyone ready to leave house at 8am and he's just surfacing to sort himself out, I'm often a little moody with him. Especially as attempts to resolve things go nowhere, so I get extremely frustrated with the situation.
However, his view is that my morning moods - which aren't every morning - are tantamount to abuse, that he's had enough now and wants to separate.
Just a bit shell shocked - we've been in similar situation before where he has threatened to finish it over a moody moment of mine, demanded apologies or assurances it won't happen again, and I've tried explaining the reason for it and that he has to see his part in it. But this time it seems for real and I just can't quite believe that he doesn't want to try to actually resolve the situation, just try to heap blame on me and call it over.

He obviously doesnt realise that if you both split; he will have to do ALL housework, mind his dc (and your joint dc regularly) himself and all cooking and night wakings.

Unless of course he just moves onto another woman who will pick up where you leave off.

He sounds like a twat. I hope you arent doing any of his laundry, cooking for him etc in order that he has to do some stuff aroubd the house?

Well, if he doesn't want to stay married, then let him go.

No point in begging him to stay.

OK. Everybody can be moody at times, especially women with all those hormones... But it sounds like you have an extremely stressful time each morning and that he does absolutely nothing to help out.

Call his bluff, tell him that it would be easier if he were to move out as your life would be a lot less stressful and that if he is not prepared to help in any way, then it would be easier if he wasn't around.

My XH used to get up with DD every morning and give her breakfast so by the time I got out of the shower, she was fed and ready to be dressed. He left home at 8am. He didn't do any cooking, but he would put some washing on and do some occasional hoovering.

If your H wasn't around, then you would have a lot less washing etc and when you know that it's just you to do everything, you get in a routine and get on with it...

I'm sure that you don't want your marriage to end, but if you turn the tables on him, he may change his mind.

Has his behaviour changed in any way lately?

Sounds like there's probably more to this than he's saying, unfortunately. A man who wanted to work at the marriage and still had hope to make it work would have suggest counselling. Instead this one just decides he doesn't like your 'moods' and he's off.
He sounds like a selfish dickhead, OP. I bet most of us would be moody living with him.
I do agree not to beg him to stay.

Sounds like attention seeking behaviour to me. It's worked for him before so he's trying again. Call his bluff and tell him to get on with it, sounds like you haven't got time to pussyfoot around him anyway.

Sounds like he's put you in a really tough situation to me - suck it up to maintain the status quo and continue the way you're feeling or split. Worth doing a list of pros and cons?

gold - yes I have (and prob will continue to until we actually physically separate) done all his cooking and washing - tbh its less time consuming than separating out people's washes etc.
And yes, have pointed out to him before that he would have to do all this if we split up.
We have been close to splitting up for a while over this and many other reasons, and can clearly see the benefits to me of separating! Less people to run around after, time off! etc, but just a bit shocked that its finally happened, and that the reason is my moods.

Well, stop doing things for him!! Words dont seem to work, so use actions. Take an extra minute to sort his laundry back into the basket and leave it there. Cook enough food for you and the dcs.

Why should he contribute a LOT less to the running of the house? The arrogance of him to assume that he is amazing enough to warrant you slaving over him.

As skyeblue says, you may have a lot less to do if you don't also have to accomodate an unhelpful partner.

If thats what he wants, call his bluff. Ask him when he plans to leave, don't do any of the wifely things he obviously may have takes for granted become accustomed to.
No laundry, no cooked meals, no lunch made, no running errands for him
Leave him in the house alone with the DC occasionally as 'when we are separated, you will need to be able to care for them alone'.
Dont fear him leaving, if he is that spectacularly unhelpful, you will manage better on your own. Your fear is what he is relying on.

Any chance you need to go to work super early one morning, leaving him to do the morning routine with the DC?

"However, his view is that my morning moods - which aren't every morning - are tantamount to abuse, that he's had enough now and wants to separate"

It's either an idle threat made with the intention of forcing you to change .... or he actually means it and he's got somewhere better to go. People who want out of a relationship say all kinds of things to justify their decision. Ask him to leave so that you can get your head around this momentous announcement...

Cross posted.

Doubt it's your moods TBH. Sounds as if that is another stick to beat you with.

Its a teeny bit more complicated than that - its his house (me and my DS moved in with him because we moved cross country for him!), so he won't leave. We may have to endure staying under the same roof for a while until i can find somewhere to live (still own my own flat in other city which will need to sell, so that takes time)
Also, hugest irony, he's a divorce lawyer. Think his view of marriages/relationships is often tainted by what he sees day to day in work and he can't seem to view our marriage as distinct to his clients'.
Also means I am going to have to be extremely careful not to get walked over in a settlement. Got citizens' advice on my to do list!

"I'm often a little moody with him"

Shall we call a spade a spade here and replace 'moody' with 'angry'? :) If you're busting a gut to get three children ready for a particular time & you get no help from your lazy partner 'angry' is a perfectly reasonable & rational emotion. 'Moody' is a word used to dismiss something as something trivial and irrational....

As you are married, surely you will be entitled to some claim on the house?

Now knowing his job, and if you think divorce may be on the cards, get copies of everything you can.

And don't sell your flat til after you split incase moving back into it is necessary.

The fault's with him - he's a bully.

The reason isn't your 'moods'. The reason is that you've asked him to become a responsible and considerate husband and hands-on parent, and his lordship doesn't deign to step up to the plate which, in turn, leaves you stressed out at having to do it all.

Until such time as he leaves, separate laundry and let him fend for himself foodwise purely to lessen the shock to his system when he has no option but to get to get off his arse and get on with it.

However, as lazy sods men like your h rarely choose to go it alone, I'm wondering if he's got a soft billet lined up such as that provided by an ow.

A marriage of just three years standing where there is a pre-owned house (same as the OP's pre-owned flat incidentally) and where the OP hasn't contributed towards it in a mortgage, for example, then the claim that the OP has on the property is not as strong as if the property was jointly bought post marriage. I think the DH in this case will be well aware of that.

You don't need CAB; you need a shit hot solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law. Locate your nearest Women's Aid office here www.womensaid.org.uk and ask for recommendations if you can't source a rottweiler specialist through word of mouth from friends/colleagues.

i dont have much to add and echo what others have said that its likely there is another reason (or at least more to it than this) or someone else hence his decision now.

I also wanted to say i sympathise with you as it sounds alot like my household too. We have 2 DCs aged 4 and 6. I work full time (have done always only stopping for 6 months maternity each time) in a well paid, senior level professional job. My (useless) DH gets himself up and ready in the morning and i do everything else including getting myself showered and ready to leave at 8, get kids up, breakfast, dressed, sort out everything they need for the day (books, swimming kit, pe kit etc). Husband is handed everything at the door to take and even then it often doesn;t make it as far to the school. He wonders why i am stressed in the morning!

Not that it makes it any better but you are not alone!

Anyway, don't want to derail your thread but get a good solicitor, claim for whatever you can, don;t make his life easier. He is about to get a wake up call when he has to start doing all this by himself.

I would think there is more going on too - has his behaviour changed in any other ways?

I agree with the others who have said 'there is more to this' - I would suggest he's already found someone else to keep the bed warm :( If that wasn't the case surely he wouldn't want to end your marriage over this?

How old are all the children?

Did he live alone when you met him?

OP you need to have a good read of the information and links here.

Sounds like he thought he was getting a new nanny/housekeeper, not a new wife.

Hmmm I wonder if there is a 'colleague' he is turning to for advice and a shoulder to cry on over how his wife doesn't understand him.
I wouldn't mind betting that a few months down the line after your split this colleague and him will SUDDENLY realise they have feelings for each other but of course NOTHING happened until the marriage was over.....
Been there got the tee shirt!!!!

OP, he sounds like a proper twat. He expects you to not only now work full-time but do 99% of every thing else AND then has the massive fucking cheek to demand that you never complain or get the arse about it? Sounds like he used to think of you as a servant, a skivvy, when you didn't work and can't get out of that mindset now. I'm not blaming you for any of that, btw, as I am a SAHM - if a man starts to see his non-wage earning (or lesser wage-earning) partner as a skivvy, then the fault lies with him being a nasty, sexist, entitled cunt, nothing to do with her, end of story.

The thing is when men think like that, is it's impossible to get them to change, as you have clearly discovered. Why would he want to change, when he gets to feel superior, do fuck all and now benefit from the extra cash you're bringing. Total win-win for him.

Him threatening to leave because you are 'moody' is absolutely pathetic and immature and would be amusing if it wasn't abusive, controlling and deeply hurtfu. It just shows how conditional his love is for you - I'll only stay and love you if you express positive emotions and never, ever find the slightest fault with me, boohoo - but it further reveals how he has no interest in you being an equal to him, as he would accept moodiness or whatever from others. I bet he has no problems with colleagues or bosses being bad-tempered, for example.

You should point out to him that as you work f-t and do virtually everything, if you split, your life will actually get easier, as you won't be doing any housework for him or genereated by him, you won't be made to feelbad for having normal human emotions, like moodiness... And indeed that you probably won't be moody, because you won't have a wanker husband taking the fucking piss making you moody at being treated so badly. Whereas the amount he has to do and think about will increase beyond anything he can imagine. The arsehole.

toosoppyforwords - why do you do so much for your husband and why is he so pathetic he doesn't care about getting everything his children needs to school?