I think I need to end this I don't know where to start

[ABreakFromTheNorm]

Namechanged for this.

dh and I, both 30 been together 11 years, married 5, 2 dc one 7 one 9m, own home together, mortgaged.

I'm in bed in tears. He's physically attacked me again. I've recent went back to work, we both work part time he had ds2 all day and picked ds1 up from school, basically what I've been doing for the past 9 months. He looked after the boys fine, but I came home at 6.30 and had to prepare dinner, do bedtime, hang up washing, empty and reload the dishwasher and hoover. I was pissed off with this and about 9pm I dared to I interrupt his programme to raise this, probably not in my most diplomatic way. it all got pretty nasty pretty quickly, he tells me to shut the fuck up, calls me an arsehole, I retaliate, he gets to justify his lack of input because he works more than me I tell him he works more but earns less and bam.

he's in my face, puffing his chest out, pushing against me, that horrible menacing look on his face he's pushing me, i turn my back on him and he shoves me hard, I go flying into the kitchen falling over the unit top.

its my fault he says, I should know when to stop pushing him, I should know when to shut up.

Maybe he's right.

This isn't the first time, it's been happening sporadically for 7 years. It's became our normal. I cry, he acts aloof and denies ever hitting me then next day we're back to normal. Our normal is good we have fun, I love him but I can't live like this can I?

No, you can't continue like this, and you certainly can't let your DCs grow up thinking this is ok between adults.

I don't have much advice, but I'm sure wiser heads will be along in a moment.
You're doing a lot to recognize this can't go on.

No you can't live like this, no it's not your fault and no, certainly your kids can't grow up thinking this is "normal". And sooner or later they will see or hear something.

Do you really love him, knowing he can do this to you with no remorse? Or do you love what he was/could be?

my dad was quite handy with the discipline growing up, I think this has skewed my perception because growing up, right up until I was 16 he'd lash out at me. And that was always my fault for winding him up.

I don't know. I don't fear him, weeks go by and it's fantastic, recently it's taking me longer to forget about these incidences.

He is NOT right, this is NOT your fault. You should be able to push him as far as it is possible to push another human being without him physically abusing you.

He is in the wrong and you and your children deserve much better.

Op you deserve everything and more than this. Sooner or later the kids will catch on if they haven't already and could be seriously damaged by it. My dh is 24 and does everything he can to help me with our kids even though he works long hours and full time. Your dh is a sad avid ive excuse for a man and has no respect for you. You need to take those kids, pack your things and move out. Or ask him to leave. My mum put up with my dad and his behaviour for many years, but one day she snapped and told him she was leaving. She went through a lot in terms of his reaction and the aftermath of the split but is so happy now, with a man who adores her and lives in her own house. You can do this. You will get all the encouragement, advice and support from mumsnet, that's a promise.

I think he, and maybe even me too, thinks that because I'm not cowering scared from him and he's not coming in the door and beating me for no good reasons that he's not a wife beater, just a man that gets pushed to far.

everyone thinks he's great, a bit grumpy at times but generally great. I think they'll think I'm over reacting.

I'm that much of a fucking fool I don't want anyone thinking bad of him what is that all about?

Your dad sounds like my dad OP. your husband sounds like them both. Walking on eggshells occasionally, blaming you for making them lose control of themselves, a bit grumpy at times, etc. my dad never did the 'beat the crap' out of my mum thing though..although there were physical altercations it was more psychological and he was very popular and thought of as a great guy in the local area. Your dh is abusive and actually lazy towards his obligations. You deserve better and you know it.

Feeling a need to 'keep up appearances' indicates some inhibition/repression/insecurity on your part.

Maybe you don't want people thinking bad of him because, if they knew the truth, you may become an object of pity of scorn for putting up with it?

Maybe you don't see yourself as a victim of dv and believe it doesn't happen to women like you as it only occurs in the feckless lower classes?

If you're not prepared to report this incident in order to concentrate his mind on the need to end his violent behaviour for good, next time he kicks off call the police and let him deny it to them.

Keeping up appearances might also be about not making it real - because once you tell people what life is really like with, you can't rewind and them unknow it. It feels very final to expose what he's like to others.

I think you need to leave, OP - this is not right, this is DV and your dc will learn damaging lessons from living with this.

I don't know how to leave I never wanted to do this alone

maybe I've never told anyone because it makes it real

It doesn't have to be you that goes. You would be justified in calling the police. You could have him removed from your home right now, temporarily.

He has physically attacked you and has done it multiple times over the years. This is DV.

You could then start wheels in motion for keeping him out of the family home permanently and start divorce proceedings.

Talk to Women's Aid, if you're not ready for such a big step.

Calling the police is a good option, cos he could really have hurt you. It's only luck that you didn't crack your head on something.

he's sleeping on the sofa I just went down to get a drink and he asked me to put the kettle on. Like nothing ever happened. I ignore him and he said well I'll remember that. I replied, you just don't get it do you and he went a'll whatever I'm not talking about it it's too late...

I don't get it? I don't get why you'd want to stay? I don't get why you are justifying what he is doing? This is totally wrong and surely you need to have a life for you and both your boys that is loving and stress free. How long before this gets worse? How long before they see it and believe its ok for daddy to push/ hit mummy. If at other times he's great and you get on ok he'll get a great big fucking shock and huge kick up the arse to get some help and change his behaviour when you say no more and mean it. You really need to get yourself and ds's out of this or it will escalate.

He's away to work he came up to bed at some point last night. He'll just come home from work as usual I don't know how to make this time different without making a scene

I don't want to leave the house with the boys I just want him to go and never come back

If anyone were to treat me the way your h treats you, I'd have no compunction whatsoever about tossing them out on their ear 'making a scene' by calling the police.

If you want to make this time 'different' give the police a call on 101 and ask to speak to an officer from the Domestic Violence Unit.

No pressure will be put on you to formally report your h for assault, but you need to face the fact that you cannot bring about any positive change to your life unless and until your h is forced to concentrate his mind on his unacceptable behaviour and, at the present time, he sees no reason to do so.

Visit www.womensaid.org.uk to source your nearest branch and give them a call during the times stated. Tell them what's been happening to you and ask for recommendations for solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and who offer a free half an hour consultation.

Knowledge is power and it may be that making yourself aware of your entitlements if you seek to divorce this abusive twunt will empower you, and give you the impetus to say 'enough is enough and it ends now'.

If it transpires that you are entitled to legal aid, please bear in mind that the rules are changing in April and after that time you may find divorce/legal separation is beyond your financial means.

Only you can begin the process that will enable your dc to have the childhoods they deserve and the longer you leave it, the more harm will be done to them.

If you report him to the police you won't need to leave your home as you'll be able to apply for an occupation Order which willr require him to live elsewhere and, if necessary, a non-molestation Order which will prohibit him from coming within a set distance of your home.

If you go about this in a calmly methodical manner, you won't be 'making a scene' - you'll be doing what you have to do to protect yourself and your dc.

Do take the advice to contact Womens Aid and the Police DV Unit while he's out. Also, please talk to a trusted friend or family member and tell them the truth. When you've been ground down and terrorised by an abuser it's difficult to find the strength to do anything alone, which is why you need RL support and back-up. You've made a good first step by writing on this website. Do have the courage to take the next step.

Call WA, call the police. Report his latest attack and tell them about the others. If you can remember dates - month and year - that'll help too.

See a solicitor. Can you pc any of his bank statements, payslips etc? Not so important, but if you can, do.

He will get worse. You will get hurt. Badly.

Take the first steps. You can do it. Really.

He's staying away tonight I spoke to wa who advised about an order that prevents him coming here if needed.

He's staying away tonight I spoke to wa who advised about an order that prevents him coming here if needed.

Well done. Is your home secure? Do you have people IRL that you can contact if he comes back? You're going to need him to stay away for more than one night.