tizzy they DO all follow the same bloody script.
I find it difficult to read some of the posts on here where posters have quoted letters/conversations verbatim because it gives me horrible flashbacks.
It's just like being part of that whole abusive dynamic once again:Being kept from going to bed until the early hours until ex had satisfied himself that we had sorted out that particular issue. This always meant him verbally tearing me apart, promising we would get to the points I wanted to raise once his had been addressed. Of course we never did get to my points.
If I complained about this he would say I was mad and had selective memory because we only ever discussed my issues, never his and I was a bully, incapable of listening. I was abusive, controlling, difficult, mad and selfish. He told me I wasn't interested in him as a person, that I saw him as a servant and a meal ticket and he would no longer be treated that way. He told me the stress of living with me was giving him heart pains and he would have a heart attack if I didn't stop behaving that way. he would stop conversations short because he was having 'pains' It went on and on. I would leave these hours of 'conversation' stunned and confused.
He too locked me out when I had the children with me. I would phone him to say I couldn't find my key, he would say he was coming to unlock the door and 5 minutes later he still hadn't come. When he would eventually come and I was angry he would blow up at me and claim that he had come down IMMEDIATELY. I mean what do you do when someone lies so outrageously to your face like that? I would be lost for words.
If I ever finally managed to pin him down he would either deny he ever did what I said he had or completely justify his behaviour. Usually with " you drove me to it." He always claimed he was only ever reactive to me. I caused his behaviour and only had myself to blame. If I would just listen properly, stop interrupting we would not be having these conversations and could go to bed and have a nice life.
He stopped any form of physical affection including sex as a punishment. If I got upset he would say that he couldn't touch someone who had so little respect for him. if he made himself touch me he would be 'prostituting' himself , those were his words.But if I behaved he was sure, with time, he would feel affection again
He said I needed counselling for my anger management issues. I even bought books on how to be less angry. Ironically of course any internal rage I had ( and I did) was because he was abusing the very life out of me and felt felt impotent and wretched.
Occasionally he would praise me for the effort I had obviously been making in trying to listen properly and would tell me I was making progress and he was pleased.
I believed him FFS. I believed I was faulty goods, selfish, controlling and unable to listen or communicate.
I believed it when he said no one else would put up with me.
He would put stuff he liked on the sky plus planner for us to watch together in the evening. So I had to choose from his list of progs he liked to watch. If I said I didn't fancy any of them his answer was that I was being difficult. He NEVER watched anything I had recorded though
I left him April after 16 years of hell. I sadly still have to see him regularly because we have children. I am only just staring to get some self confidence back.
When I met him I was a young, confident woman with a career. I knew my own mind, I knew healthy relationships. But like your ex he slowly broke me down, so slowly I hardly noticed it was happening. I knew it wasn't right but believed it was all my fault.
To the outside world he was kind, successful and charming. No one believed me. My parents have only recently seen his true colours.
The fact that you have been so courageous in getting out and saving yourself really gladdens my heart.
There will be many many posters reading this thread, not posting, just lurking, we KNOW what you are going through and will be equally happy for you.
You are NOT alone. There are, sadly many of us and we are travelling the same road, always remember. You are not the only one. He is abusive and his behaviour is normal for an abusive man.
He has lost control of you and it scares the shit out of him. All he wants is control, nothing else, it is the only thing that makes him feel safe and good about himself.
I pity the poor wretch he manages to ensare next.
I am sorry for the long post, if you got to the end, but I always find it helpful to read details of the things other women are going through. It helps me get perspective and realise that IT IS NOT ME, IT IS HIM. So perhaps you will slowly get to believe that it is not you, it is him. xx