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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ea ex still coming over and bringing me down :(

28 replies

pod3030 · 14/01/2013 16:03

i still find myself questioning whether i am 'being too sensitive' and that 'it's my low self esteem' that makes me feel this way(his words). Ex p is a control freak, micro managed our lives and a workaholic. when dd came along, he hardly had any time for her (and me) as he is so superior and important and had oh so many important things to do, not like me who, he let me know, wasn't filling my life with enough friends/activities(approved ones, i had perfectly good ones when we first met but got phased out). But then he can focus intensely on one thing, like how my parents are close to dd,(he doen't like it) and go on and on and on about it, grinding me down.
he lets me know how very important he is by always mentioning when having access to dd that he 'doesn't have much time'. like he's squeezing us in. and that's how i felt in our relationship, like there was no room for me. If things weren't done his way he would make life very difficult, making me feel i was so small and inferior, i wasn't 'up to scratch'.
So now we are separated, and i have got a life and it is like someone has opened a window. i can breath. but he continues his gas lighting, rewriting history, and belittling when he comes for access to dd. 15 minuets he stayed, and in that time made me feel once again a small shrivelled, under achieving turd. Reality seems to skew when he's around. everybody thinks he's charming and successful. How can i hold on to my reality? i don't want my gorgeous dd to feel this utter shit feeling of being not good enough, so i need to be armed. sorry for long post.

OP posts:

mistlethrush · 14/01/2013 16:06

Easy. There's no reason for him to talk to you. He can stay in the car, you can send DD out with a bag to the car. Coming back, she comes to the door, you let her in, say bye and close the door on him. He does not need to come into the house. You will need to steel yourself for it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2013 16:12

Absolutely. Your home is your sanctuary and you should keep this man out of it at all costs. In addition keep any communications very brief ...a text.... so that he has no scope to 'mention' his nasty rubbish. It's all part of the recovery process, recognising that you don't have to tolerate anything any more, taking charge and telling your abuser to take a hike.

aleene · 14/01/2013 16:14

You don't say how old DD is but you need to detatch from him. Does he have to step inside your house? Give him less oportunity to get under your skin.

Original poster

pod3030 · 14/01/2013 16:15

dd is 13 months so i have to either hand her over, or be there at my place as his house (our family home) isnt baby proofed now. He says things and thinks that makes them true. so , he says 'we're friends, right?' and so that is how he paints it. i cope by not engaging, i say very little so there is nothing he can criticise ( his criticism comes subtly in the guise of advice or reflections). I would love to never see him again but he is dd's dad, and he wants a relationship with her. Aggravating him would just be arduous and tiring.

OP posts:

IAmNotAMindReader · 14/01/2013 16:23

If physical hand overs have to be done get a thrid person to do it or do it in a neutral place like a park or cafe. There is absolutely no reason for him to be discussing anything with you. Contact arrangements can be done via text or email where you have the distance to compose yourself and think about hwat is acceptable to you.

Original poster

pod3030 · 14/01/2013 16:25

Thankyou for your kind advice. i guess i know instinctively i need to detach, it's what i'm doing i think, emotionally. just today it got to me, i'm poorly, dd's teething, not much sleep , and he swans in for 15 mins quality time and starts spouting parenting tips (he's never helped with her unless someone is looking, he needs an audience) i have found us a home , found/been given/freecycled furniture, and started a new life.he has his precious life back to what it was before, as we were 'affecting his lifestyle'. i just want to be left alone to do some long time coming blossoming.

OP posts:

aleene · 14/01/2013 16:40

You were 'affecting his lifestyle'? Wow. He sounds very selfish.

When you talk about 15 mins of his wisdom does this mean he came for 15 mins visit or that he stayed for 15 mins and then left with DD. Because if it is the former I suggest you change your contact arrangement to something more structured ( I can't think of a bettet word, hope you know what I mean)

Original poster

pod3030 · 14/01/2013 17:21

he came for 15 mins visit, as he had a very busy week ahead. yes, a good idea to have more structure. thing is he is self employed and could be away a month, then busy with shop, then have a couple of days free. but i see what you mean, he is on my time now and i am calling the shots. i am going to suggest one day a week that is a regular contact period, whether he can make it or not. he can rearrange himself for us for once. i am no longer here at his convenience .
and yes. he is very selfish.

OP posts:

nospace · 14/01/2013 18:29

Don't let him walk all over you. He's a typical show-off.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 14/01/2013 18:54

Is your ex my ex?

If he's 'squeezing' your child in then he's obviously not that interested. Maybe you could both just walk away?

Sounds really harsh, but it's what I had to do to reclaim my life and my ex didn't argue, didn't care and had no interest. He was often dropping DS off early because 'he had stuff to be getting on with' and saying what a huge effort it was to make time.

Has been 7 years since I've seen him and I'm still recovering from his behaviour.

If he can't treat you with respect then he can't come into your home. Simple.

Where do you live? Could someone not be there when he comes round?

nospace · 14/01/2013 19:31

It's good you have achieved a new life for yourself but you don't want your progress to be impeded by the effect he has on you bringing you down. Does it feel like a cloud hanging over you when you have to see him? I have the same experience with my ex. A regular routine will be better for your dd too.

Original poster

pod3030 · 14/01/2013 19:36

yes that's just it, i feel a tightness and sick anticipation when he's due a visit. a cloud.
he's too much of a controller to walk away, he still tells people we are 'co parenting'. i have to bite my tongue.

i think a regular appointment will help dd feel settled and put in ground work for when she's older and more aware. thanks x

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FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 14/01/2013 21:58

I am sorry. It sounds horrid.

The fact that he has not child proofed is home negates his statement that he is co parenting. What a thing to say!

(((Hugs)))

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 14/01/2013 21:58

his home.

Lueji · 14/01/2013 22:24

Sorry, but you have to set clear boundaries with this man.
Never mind babyproofing. He takes his child with him, or no visit. It's his responsibility.
He waits outside the door and never comes in.

No contact for less than X time.
And set up regular times, not as he pleases. Any changes with enough warning and at your convenience.

And do stop biting your tongue. :)

Original poster

pod3030 · 15/01/2013 09:03

i've been over to the ea board and read about living with a narcissist and it rings so true for me. i still have that idea in the back of my head that it's my fault, like everything was, that i had to be the one that needed fixing. (he sent me off on courses, nlp, etc)i can't allow him to bring that into my sanctuary. i have drawn a line and i feel strong on this. the fear now is his narcissistic ways affecting my dd in years to come. he goes through periods of being caught up with himself and leaving us alone and being annoyed if we interrupt his important stuff, then being intensely focussed on me and dd trying to 'help' us by telling how i'm doing it all wrong and how it could be better. my mind goes to spagetti. it is lovely to have this sanctuary, my own things which he won't throw away because they're 'not his' . i need to reinforce to him the boundaries. thankyou for your responses, it really has helped just getting it down and trying to make sense of my cotton wool head. x

OP posts:

Hattifattner · 15/01/2013 09:19

I think you need to have regular contact for more than the 15 minutes he deigns to give you, and to this end I would suggest he uses a contact centre - and pays for it - every couple of weeks. Why should you host him in your house? Why shouldn't he get his house baby proofed? Stop being a doormat, say no. And set up regular scheduled contact sessions where you can get an hour to y ourself without him there.

olgaga · 15/01/2013 09:38

Is there any way that on his contact days you can take your DD to your mum and dad's, and then go out? He can have his 15 minutes (or whatever he can squeeze out of his busy day) there.

porridgelover · 15/01/2013 09:55

pod yes to re-inforcing boundaries. It's very hard to do if he has left you with the sense that you are someone who needs fixing. He has left you with the scars of EA. As such you are perfectly entitled, actually obliged to yourself, to keep him out of your head and home.

You may need to do some more reading on the effects of EA as he still is controlling you....to a lesser extent, but he is using your DD as a tool now.

If he was truly a caring parent, nothing on earth would come between him and his contact time. Or he would be respectfully negotiating with you about how to change times to suit him...perhaps offering something to make it easier for you and DD in return for your flexibility.
But no. You and DD must rotate around his 'oh so important, stressful life'' (I may be projecting my situation on to you there ).

As for his ways affecting your DD....if you show her a good role model of someone who stands up for themselves, and who can name manipulating behaviours, she will handle him.

nospace · 15/01/2013 10:11

One thing you can learn from him is to be more selfish, not in a bad way, just to learn from him to put yourself first and think what suits you and your dc. Instead of thinking everything from his perspective and how he will react and how it will accommodate him, try to practise re-wiring your brain to put your needs first, otherwise, he still maintains control. You are not stopping him seeing his child but it comes down to self-preservation in the end.

Original poster

pod3030 · 15/01/2013 10:53

yes yes to re-wiring brain! it is the most difficult thing to put my needs first. it will take a lot of practice.

i have given him a baby gate, and told him about baby proofing, he hates being told what to do. so i've been hosting so i know dd is safe, as he thinks i'm 'hysterical' when i mention blind cords and open fires (she knows 'hot' and 'no' but is toddling unsteadily now) he can be intolerant and impatient and this has lead to dangerous situations in the past. his needs always come first. lately i've encouraged him to take her out in the buggy and that seemed to work.

thankyou all, this really makes me feel not so alone. it gets to the point where you think it really is all my fault, if only i had been better, if only i had been more (insert what his expectations were) then i would be a better person like he said. he can seem so reasonable most of the time, and looks pityingly upon me if i stutter and um. he was off to cambridge yesterday and i asked if he was staying over. he said in a withering voice 'well, it is a long way' as if it was the most stupid question in the world. all day i felt tearful and hopeless. when he goes away on business for long periods, i feel i am me again.

porridge thanks for the reassurance re dd. it's the biggest fear for me, that she'll feel beholden to his moods. feeling small and second best is a horrible thing for a child to feel. xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

pod3030 · 15/01/2013 10:56

olgaga my mum and dad arn't ready to see him. it has devastated them that we have split, and that he is such an arse.

OP posts:

Lueji · 15/01/2013 11:27

You don't host him because his place is not babyproof.

You tell him that he takes DD to his home, after babyproofing the place. Or no contact.

olgaga · 15/01/2013 11:47

Yes, I can understand that.

Can I suggest you start keeping a diary of events?

You might find these organisations helpful: Rights of Women have a very good family law advice line (see the website for times it's available). Maypole have some good information on contact matters in abusive situations.

This report by Rights of Women makes for very interesting reading with regard to how child contact is often used as an opportunity for further abuse.

More generally, you might find the information and links here useful - there are links there which take you to Contact Centre websites. I would also suggest you search the Women's Aid website to see if there is a local support group in your area.

Original poster

pod3030 · 15/01/2013 15:14

Lueji you're right. he should've had his act together yonks ago. he was always very resistant to any change to the house when i moved in, and he is in the process of changing back to his bachelor pad. but he has to make a compromise on the baby proofing. i suppose i don't have much confidence in him making the place safe for dd. there have been some near misses.

olgaga thanks so much for all the links. sometimes i swing back to feeling 'surely it's not abuse , it's just words and my response to them. he doesn't seem aware of what he's doing. then i read something on these boards and it brings it all back that actually, i have been living in the shadows for the last four years.I must catch up on the flourishing i should've been doing in that time.

I want dd to have a daddy, and it'll be up to me to pick out the things she can be proud of in his character (he's highly accomplished in his field and goes on exciting expeditions) and let her love him whilst protecting her from the negative traits. I know i can do it, i'm strong. i just wish i didn't have to, it's energy i could be spending elsewhere.

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