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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else staying for the children?

43 replies

Isitjustmethen · 13/01/2013 21:05

I have nc for this....

I really don't want to open a debate about staying for the kids as I know it is a very unpopular view on MN. Just to clarify though I fully accept that in many cases, splitting up is the better/only option for the children and I would never judge anyone for doing so. We all do what we think is best for our children. I guess from personal experience I just struggle a bit when the "happy parent = happy kids" line is often said on here. Obviously sometimes that is the case, but in my experience, it is rare for both parties to be happy about the decision to split and someone who is an arse in a reationship is inlikely to stop being one when things go wrong. Then you have the added complication of new partners and blended families......

From my own experience I understand completely why my mum left my dad. It was undoubtedly the right decision for her and I have never held it against her. However my sister and I suffered terribly as a result, and while I know it wouldn't have all been roses if they have stayed together, there is no doubt in my mind that it would have been far easier on us, than what happened after they split.

Aside from my relationship with DP, i am actually very happy with my life. I am naturally a glass half full type person and i have a lot to be grateful for. I am very close to my mum and my sister, i have some great, supportive friends, and of course my darling DC's who truly are the loves of my life.

My reason for posting really is just to see if there is anyone else in the same situation who would like to chat and some mutual support? It's not really something I talk to my family and friends about as I don't want them to worry about me. I think I would find it easier to cope when occasionally things get me down, if I had someone to let off steam with who understands.

OP posts:
cathkidstonbag · 13/01/2013 21:18

Do you want to PM me? I don't seem to be able to message you. I understand totally what you're saying!

Iamwithyou · 13/01/2013 21:24

Had to name change for this. I could have written your post op, so I totally understand what you are saying.

I would never discuss this in rl as my family would try to make me leave dp if they realised our relationship was so bad. In every over aspect my life is great - dc, friends, work & family

Original poster
Isitjustmethen · 13/01/2013 21:25

Have just sent you a message x

OP posts:
Iamwithyou · 13/01/2013 21:25

I did have a stable family life though when growing up and perversely that's what convinces me I'm doing the right thing.

madonnawhore · 13/01/2013 21:29

I can see the other side of it. My mum was a raging alcoholic from when I was about 5 years old until she died 5 years ago. My dad reused to leave her, out of some weird, misguided sense of obligation. So they had a 30 year marriage but my brother and I were subjected to all sorts of horrible shit over that time. It ruined our childhoods and has affected us both into adulthood. I wish they'd split up when it first started going pear shaped.

I guess it depends why you're unhappy with your DP. If he's abusive at all the n you really do have a responsibility to your DCs to keep them safe. That includes protecting them from psychological, as well as physical abuse.

If it's just a case that you've fallen out of love with him and he's a boring knob, then I can sympathise with your position. Even though if it was me, I think I'd conclude that my ki was too short. And my happiness was important too.

madonnawhore · 13/01/2013 21:30

My ki?? That should be my life is too short!

Original poster
Isitjustmethen · 13/01/2013 21:32

Hi there Iamwithyou. Sorry to hear you are in the same situation. I wouldn't ever wish it on anyone, but you don't know what a relief it is just to hear from someone who has made the same decision and understand where I'm coming from.

Are your DC very young? Mine are 4 and 1 so a long way to go yet....

OP posts:
Iamwithyou · 13/01/2013 21:36

Madonna I agree if it was an abusive relationship it would be much more clear cut to get the children out of that situation.

In my case anyway, there is no risk to the dc.

Lueji · 13/01/2013 21:37

there is no doubt in my mind that it would have been far easier on us, than what happened after they split.

Actually, you don't know that.

I did stay with ex for longer than I should, and did try to work things out because it's more complicated with a child, and so that he'd have both parents.

However things got really bad and had to split in an even worse way.

The only positive thing is that DS recognises that we can't possibly be together.

I suspect that if things were that bad after your parents split, you were only seeing the tip of the iceberg when they were together.

lemonstartree · 13/01/2013 21:42

If I was that miserable and my ids were that young I would go, no question. I separated when my kids were 11, 8 and 5. There is no doubt that the youngest suffered the least. Almost 3 years on, I don't think he remembers when exH and I lived together....and they are all fine...

Iamwithyou · 13/01/2013 21:43

Mine are 10 & 12, but I've felt like this really for the last 8 or 9 years. I have actually found it easier in some ways as they become more independent and have their own activities, we no longer do as many things together "as a family". Dp spends most of his time on Xbox & is often happy for me to do my own thing. I spend a lot more time too with the dc on a one to one basis which is lovely- although at their age that often means spending money on them.

When mine were young like yours I found it very stressful to keep it all under wraps - how do you cope?

madonnawhore · 13/01/2013 21:48

It's such a long life OP and you only get one shot at it. You don't deserve to be miserable forever.

Your kids are still young. They'll need never know any different. Parents die, parents split up, parents go to prison, etc. Plenty of children grow up without their parents together. My DSD included, and she's as happy and well adjusted as the next child.

Original poster
Isitjustmethen · 13/01/2013 21:52

That must have been so hard on you and your brother madonna, I'm really sorry you had to experience it. I agree completely with what you say about abuse and the responsibility to protect our DC.

On my particular case there is no abuse though - he is just a difficult man to live with. Quite selfish and glass half empty but not abusive.

No Lueji I can't know that for certain, but I am sure as I can be. I don't really want to go into detail but aside from my dad's bitterness over the split, most the problems were caused by my step mum (and my dads weakness in standing up to her).

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 13/01/2013 21:59

I'm glad there's no abuse going on. But even so, you sound so unhappy.

It's awful and sad to think that you've just resigned yourself to feeling like this for the foreseeable future. Life could be so much better for all of you.

If things aren't hostile between you and your DP, could you not split amicably? It doesnt have to be the case that your split would be the same as your parents'. Does your DP know you're unhappy or recognise that there's a problem? Do even know if he wants to stay in the relationship?

Original poster
Isitjustmethen · 13/01/2013 22:18

lemonstartree - I do still have moments when I wonder if I am doing the right thing so it's interesting to hear that you and madonna think that at their age they would cope okay. One of the main reasons for staying is that I don't trust him not to use the kids to get back at me. I know DD will be okay as she hasn't a clue, but I worry DS will blame me.

iamwithyou - strangely enough, the only time we really get on well is when we do something with the kids. I think we both just live through them at the moment. They are still small and funny so there is always something to talk about or focus on. Otherwise we sound much like you, we just do our own thing really - both on our iPads of an evening! Does your husband know how you feel?

madonna i think he knows im unhappy, i don't really think hes's any happier himself but he doesnt care, he has made it clear he wants us to stay together regardless. Partly because of the children, but i think also because his life is just easier with me in it, he was like this even before they were born. We came close to splitting up many times pre children - once we actually did but he guilt tripped me into getting back with him. I feel so guilty to my babies as deep down, I know we should have split before they were born. I don't regret tem for a single second but because of this I feel I have made my bed....Sadly the split could never be amicable, I am very certain of that. I am not unhappy though, really. If you knew me you'd never guess wat was going on behind the scenes. It's just every now and then that it gets me down.

OP posts:
Iamwithyou · 13/01/2013 22:23

I have told him how I feel although it know it sounds like a bit of a broken record, because he knows I will not leave and he will not change, so it was over a year since I last spoke out.

Perhaps your children are young enough to handle a s

Iamwithyou · 13/01/2013 22:25

Oh sorry posted too soon....

Perhaps your dc are young enough to handle a split, but I know my bil uses his dc as a weapon against DSis all the time- and it's painful to watch

Original poster
Isitjustmethen · 13/01/2013 22:31

iamwithyou - our situations sound quite similar. Although he knows I am unhappy, like yours I dont think he really believes I will ever have the strength to go though with it.

That is so sad about your bil - your poor sister Sad. I just couldn't bear it if that happened to DS. I know as soon as he started using him I would cave.

OP posts:
Iamwithyou · 13/01/2013 22:32

Isitjustmethen do you have any friends that you socialise with as a couple?

For different reasons we no longer have friends like that - it makes it easier to handle and stops you having to pretend that everything is fine, but is has also probably meant we have got even further apart as there is no reason for us to be out together

ArthurandGeorge · 13/01/2013 22:36

I am another one.

My dp has suffered from depression and anxiety and is now on meds which mean that he is much better from pov of his mental health but he has no libido, we have not had sex for over a year. Now that his mental health is better I feel that I can judge him as he truly is iyswim, I feel that he is selfish, lazy and entitled. I don't hate him, and as iamwithyou has said when we do things as a family things are fine but we don't really have anything but the children holding us together. Life is probably a bit easier for me with him in terms of childcare and the dc love him dearly but I am really struggling. I found Xmas hard. I am trying to make my life happier by doing things that I enjoy; currently planning and doing lots of redecorating, have a good job that I enjoy, strong friendships and, of course, my lovely dc. But I still feel lonely.

mumvswild · 13/01/2013 22:42

It is not just you, it is me as well, as the others. I have drawn the same conclusion over the last couple of years. DH also selfish but lazy too, doesn't want to work. Much debt and financial pressure. Family knows, but like you my 3 DCs are my true loves and I deadset refuse to part with them for 5

Original poster
Isitjustmethen · 13/01/2013 22:43

We have a few, but because of the children we don't go out much together anyway. If we do go out with other couples it tends to be the girls chatting at one end of the table and men at the other.

We both have separate hobbies, so tend to do our own thing and the other one has the children. I can't even remember when we last went out just the two of us...

OP posts:
Iamwithyou · 13/01/2013 22:44

Sorry Arthur that does not sound good either. You are absolutely right - the loneliness is the hardest part - not having anyone to discuss the little things with or share a joke- but not having the benefits of being a lone parent either (as I see it) - not having to consult anyone else on the bigger decisions on life - like which school to send dc too or whether we can afford for me to work pt etc.

mumvswild · 13/01/2013 22:46

for 50 percent of the time. seperation in the past has shown me that he becomes an abusive twat and easier to deal with when together. DCs are 9, 6 nd 2. Good luck OP.

lisalisa · 13/01/2013 22:47

I am here too although wish I weren't.