Anyone else staying for the children?

[Isitjustmethen]

I have nc for this....

I really don't want to open a debate about staying for the kids as I know it is a very unpopular view on MN. Just to clarify though I fully accept that in many cases, splitting up is the better/only option for the children and I would never judge anyone for doing so. We all do what we think is best for our children. I guess from personal experience I just struggle a bit when the "happy parent = happy kids" line is often said on here. Obviously sometimes that is the case, but in my experience, it is rare for both parties to be happy about the decision to split and someone who is an arse in a reationship is inlikely to stop being one when things go wrong. Then you have the added complication of new partners and blended families......

From my own experience I understand completely why my mum left my dad. It was undoubtedly the right decision for her and I have never held it against her. However my sister and I suffered terribly as a result, and while I know it wouldn't have all been roses if they have stayed together, there is no doubt in my mind that it would have been far easier on us, than what happened after they split.

Aside from my relationship with DP, i am actually very happy with my life. I am naturally a glass half full type person and i have a lot to be grateful for. I am very close to my mum and my sister, i have some great, supportive friends, and of course my darling DC's who truly are the loves of my life.

My reason for posting really is just to see if there is anyone else in the same situation who would like to chat and some mutual support? It's not really something I talk to my family and friends about as I don't want them to worry about me. I think I would find it easier to cope when occasionally things get me down, if I had someone to let off steam with who understands.

Isitjustmethen You really are only at the beginning of this journey if you plan to see it right through. I am not saying that I made the right decision, but I am a good few years down the line now.

We have been out as a couple once in the last 7 years and to be h

Done it again, sorry

Once in the last 7 years and tbh that's the way I like it- do you really want to go through that too?

I think we're only one or two generations forward from this kind of set up being the norm.

Our grandmothers didn't divorce, they stayed and saw it out. I hate to think what kind of abuses went on behind closed doors, but on the other hand it can be liberating to have a boring husband and just live your lives peacefully, in parallel

My gran and grandpa did nothing together, ever. They had separate bedrooms. But they were both happy in their own lives, and my gran was totally distraught when he died.

I dunno, I think its probably more common than you think. Human nature is usually to prefer an easy life isn't it. Make sure you're happy in yourself, that's the main thing.

I'm sorry to see so many of us are in the same boat

arthurandgeorge selfish, lazy and entitled describes my other half perfectly. To be fair, he is better than he was but the damage has been done. He killed my feelings for him a long time ago. I don't hate him either though - it would be easer in some ways if I did. I'm sorry things are so tough for you. I think you're doin the right thing, concentrating on the things you enjoy. What lose can we do?

mumsvwild. I can so identify with what you say about being easier to deal with when together.

Hi lisalisa - what ages are your DC? Does your other half know you feel like this?

iamwithyou that is what scares me, how far I have to go. Do you ever regret your decision or do you feel it was the right one for your family?

I could never leave my dc with him for half the time or allow them to worry about where they should spend special occasions like birthdays or Christmas. Nor would I want another woman to be their step mum- so the decision I made was totally selfish. I do not regret it although I often day dream about the future when my dc have chosen to leave home and I will be free. I love every minute of them growing up, so I want to say that I'm not wishing anyone's life away.

MorrisZapp it's not easy life, just the lesser of two evils

I think you are probably right morriszapp, it is probably a lot more common than we think. Sometimes I think the problem is that I over think it all too much and would be better just getting on with it as your grandparents did.

Yes yes yes to everything you said there iamwithyou. That is exactly how I feel. I just have a bit longer to go!

Me too

(NC as some of my friends read mumsnet, changed some small details too)

I am staying for my 2 DC but am starting to seriously question if its the right thing to do. My story is long so feel free to skip to the next post!

Been with H since I was a teenager. First proper boyfriend. I'm now nearly 40 so we are talking about 24 years. We only married 10 years ago. He was always the moody type but I was young and stupid and was totally besotted by him (he is 9 years older than me).

As the years went by I statred to realsie I was losing myself, I didn't know who I was anymore or what my opinions were (because they were all his). He is quite controlling in many ways. It started off little, questioning things I did, little digs here and there, then progressing on to how I never did things properly, sounds stupid but things like having jars in the right place in the cupboards, having too many towels in the bathroom, not stacking the draining board correctly I could go on.

Everything I wanted to watch on the TV was 'shite', the house was never tidy enough (even when it was spotless he would find something wrong). I ended up tying myself in knots to keep everything smooth. At 3pm I would turn into a mad woman running around the house tidying, moving and cleaning so it was all ok for when he cam in from work (I work part-time).

Then kids came along (I was still oblivious at this point and thought the faults were all mine for not being good enough). Things just got worse. We have 2 children, he has never once got up in the night to feed or change a nappy. It was all down to me because I worked part-time. With the kids in the mix the 'list' of things that I needed to do to keep things ok got more difficult to do. I was so stressed beyond belief, I ended up on ADs (still on them now) and that list just got bigger and bigger.

He has told me he loves me about 3 times in our whole relationship (says hes not good at things like that) I dont think I have ever felt loved by him, I wanted him to love me so much.

I fell down the stairs once (open plan lounge he was sat on the sofa) I was at the bottom of the stairs in a funny position unable to move. He just sat there and didnt move, didnt ask if I was ok, didnt help me up. I remember feeling so shit that day.

Things came to a head 3 years ago, something snapped in me and I thought if we continue like this I am going to end up ill or dead. I left him. I stayed with a relative, we talked he promised to change, I told him I would not put up with anymore shit from him.

We went back after a week. Things were ok, with one massive difference, I felt nothing for him. I gave it time, no feelings came back. The dynamic of our relationship has totally changed. I pull him up on everything now, I wont sit there and let him reduce our kids to tears when they dont deserve it. I wont let him 'tell' me something is shite without me pointing out its his opinion not gospel. He has chipped and chipped away at me for all these years and now there is no love or respect left for him. And in a way I feel sorry for him. He is better now than he was but the real him comes through sometimes and I do wonder how long it will be until it gradually creeps up on me again. But in his head he's changed enough so whats my problem?

So here I am, 2DC one primary, one secondary school. Me not wanting to uproot them, wanting to keep things stable. I want to leave, if we had no DCs I would have left. I daydream looking at houses to rent, I know what will be in every room down to the cutlery in the kitchen and the colour of towels in the bathroom, where I would put a seat in the garden.

Like an earlier poster I would hate my DC to be with him for up to 50% of the time. I need to be there as a buffer because he trys to control them as he does me. Another reason is the way he reacted when I left, shouting at me I cant have the car the house will be sold etc, he was so angry, I know he would make my life hell, so its easier to stay.....

Totally understand why people do stay, totally understand why people leave, every situation is unique.

phew feels good to get that out,

Take care all

poppy x

when my dc have chosen to leave home and I will be free.

Adults don't necessarily cope better with their parents separating than children.
Partucularly if they have just left home. They will feel responsible for their parents' unhappiness.
They will know you were not happy.

Besides, separation can be just as difficult later as now. The main difference being that you don't have to sort out who stays with the children.
They will still have to worry who to spend Christmas with.
Not saying you have to separate, but just offering a different perspective.

It's easier to maintain the status quo

But I don't know if there is are better times to do it.

An acrimonious split is probably no better for the children than a miserable marriage. But a miserable marriage is certainly worse for children than a civil split. Either way, women should not be condemned to endure a miserable marriage simply because they have children.

It's your life therefore your decision.

Question is will you 100% leave when the kids are no longer kids?

My mum didn't and spent another 15 years miserable.

This is a desperately sad thread. My parents had a very acrimonious split which was hell for us all, then mum brought me up with very little money. But I am so glad she left my dad he would have destroyed us both (he was very controlling and possessive). I really think my mental health would have been badly effected had we stayed. Once I grew up I was able to have a great relationship with my dad as I knew how to set strong boundaries with him, we even went on holidays with him a few times! And my mum remarried, very happily. So, sorry, but I really think staying together for the sake of the children is a good idea, children will know the situation is wrong and it will effect them.

Me too. Same situation and starting to think I just have to leave as the last 2 years living like this have had a bad effect on me. My DD is only 4 and I am thinking I have to go and that it is now or never.

My situation is more complicated in that I will have to move countries, the guilt is terrifying. (Regarding DD)

poppymae much of what you wrote I can so relate to - my situation is similar in many ways.

My mother didn't leave my father and stayed for the kids in order to hold the family together. They split up when i was in my 20's and it was the best thing ever for her, but I didn't think she regretted staying. My dad was the unreliable, feckless drunk type you read about in Irish novels - weak, loved drinking and socialising down the pub with random friends to spending time with his family, frittered all the money away, had affairs and always felt sorry for himself. Tings were never his fault. Meanwhile, my mum held kith and kin together and worked two jobs etc etc.

She didn't leave because she had control over my Dad if she stayed. She accepted they didnt love each other. He was never, ever violent or verbally or emotionally abusive, beyond utter thoughtlessness - more selfish and secretive - so we were never in danger. She had access to some money that way rather than rely on maintenance payments pre- CSA and relative stability for us.

Yes I am in a similar position but have recently started talking about it and had counselling. This has made me stronger but don't know whether I am strong enough to leave as worried about finances especially as the kids go to to private schools which they love.

I have torn myself apart trying to keep my marriage alive for the past 5 years or so and staying with h for the sake of my dd.

Just before Christmas I snapped and saw what my h really was.

I am on my third lot of therapy and trying to heal.

I understand way people stay, but if it is affecting your mind and you have "lost" who you really are, then I would rather the dc's have a mum that is at least functioning than just a shell of who she could/should be.

Yep, I am in a similar position except I have taken the decision to separate.

Two dc's 16 and 14. Eldest doing GCSE's this year. Had a good talk with him and he told me not to worry about him as he's got his head screwed on and he doesn't believe for one second it will have any adverse impact. He's witnessed over the years how much of an arsehole 'D'P can be and actually told me I need to put myself first for a change.

My story is very similar to Poppy's.

Ofcourse 'D'P thinks he's made the decision and everything has always been my fault so I've bought this on myself!!

I think one of the tipping points for me came when I went to my parents on Boxing Day without him and had the best day ever (DP hated visiting my parents, sulked in the corner, constantly checked his watch for 'going home time' and gave me the evils every time I left the room for more than 5 minutes). I realised that I had stopped being me.

Yes I'm scared about the future but the thought of staying put and being miserable for yet another 20 years just doesn't float my boat anymore.