rebuilding relationship with abusive ex?

[gruffalosmother]

I'm after some of your wise advice.
me and my dd's dad broke up nearly a year ago after his was emotionally and physically abusive (throwing things, threats, pushes) . Since then we have lived in refuge, moved to across the country to start a new life and are actually going through court at the moment in regards to contact arrangements.
Things have been very up and down between us since we split. mostly down I suppose, him disappearing, making no effort with dd, him lying about drugs and alcohol. He has however moved across the country to be closer to dd in the last couple of months and was on a perpetrator program before he moved and is waiting to get onto a new one in the place down here.
cut a very long story short, we have met up a couple of times recently. talked about whats been happening, talked about our childhoods, our regrets etc. (I have also been having counselling for about 9 months by the way and am A LOT stronger then I was before) . The second time we met up last week he came to my house, after dd had gone to bed we ended up kissing and a bit more. It was wonderful. I have missed him so much and it seemed even more amazing in some ways than when we were happy together.
I am very wary that this could be a dangerous situation to be in for me and my dd. but he is showing signs of change...or am I falling for his lies and charm again?
I told my best mate about it and understandably, she was pissed off. I feel a bit of an idiot because I've come all this way, gone through refuge, counselling, my friends have been here for me and now I might be throwing it all back in their faces by trying again with him.
Does anyone have experience of once abusive relationships working out second time around? I really don't know what to do.

[Kaykat]

Hi Gruffalo, I also had similar feelings for an abuser. Even when he was nasty to me, the very next day I found myself missing him, I knew it was ridiculous. I had to make a very firm decision to follow my head not my heart. Over time those feelings diminished. It will help if you write down all the horrible things he has said and done, or keep a diary, and read it when those feelings pop up.

[foolonthehill]

When we are with an abuser we minimise everything bad and accentuate and dwell on everything good. You see it in children too...the parent who gives praise and love less readily thus makes their praise and love more valuable (but does not lead to a balanced child but a needy one)

It takes a great deal of willpower and strength to stop the pattern of behaviour and feelings. I said to myself when i left that the feelings box was in my head, i shoved every feeling in there for a while and just concentrated on practical things. If you know that you are especially likely to phone him at particular times, fill those times with something else (MN is good!!!!), occupy your hands and mind with knitting, painting, crafting if you are often alone in the evening. If your hands are occupied you will feel more relaxed and incvolved with what you are doing.
Join groups in the day. Contact homestart and gget some practical support with parenting (not saying you need help parenting but just company and encouragement), is there a Surestart centre near you? Join a local Gingerbread group.

Build your life and he will become less and less important.

and (((hug))) because if you can step away from him there is a whole good new life awaiting you out there.

[HappyNewHissy]

Start your own thread dear @kellyboo1985 you need to be properly heard

and no, don’t ever allow yourself to get sucked in again

THEY NEVER CHANGE