rebuilding relationship with abusive ex?

[gruffalosmother]

I'm after some of your wise advice.
me and my dd's dad broke up nearly a year ago after his was emotionally and physically abusive (throwing things, threats, pushes) . Since then we have lived in refuge, moved to across the country to start a new life and are actually going through court at the moment in regards to contact arrangements.
Things have been very up and down between us since we split. mostly down I suppose, him disappearing, making no effort with dd, him lying about drugs and alcohol. He has however moved across the country to be closer to dd in the last couple of months and was on a perpetrator program before he moved and is waiting to get onto a new one in the place down here.
cut a very long story short, we have met up a couple of times recently. talked about whats been happening, talked about our childhoods, our regrets etc. (I have also been having counselling for about 9 months by the way and am A LOT stronger then I was before) . The second time we met up last week he came to my house, after dd had gone to bed we ended up kissing and a bit more. It was wonderful. I have missed him so much and it seemed even more amazing in some ways than when we were happy together.
I am very wary that this could be a dangerous situation to be in for me and my dd. but he is showing signs of change...or am I falling for his lies and charm again?
I told my best mate about it and understandably, she was pissed off. I feel a bit of an idiot because I've come all this way, gone through refuge, counselling, my friends have been here for me and now I might be throwing it all back in their faces by trying again with him.
Does anyone have experience of once abusive relationships working out second time around? I really don't know what to do.

[foolonthehill]

No it is HIS fault but it will be your fault if you let him back in.

Walk away now and don;t give him the explanation, the reason, he will not accept it, he will not understand it.

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM, let him do it himself.

[HappyNewHissy]

Not your fault.

A normal man would have thought of it before being told to.

Do you see that?

you have no reason to blame yourself, not for anything.

Social Services will be very concerned with this if they knew how close this stuff is to a vulnerable baby.

Read Lundy Bancroft as a matter of urgency.

Read Power and Control too, it'll shock you with it's accuracy, but it will save your life and that of your DD.

If you let this monster poison your lives like this, SHE will go on to find WORSE than him, you do see that don't you?

She won't know any better.

You are her only chance.

[HappyNewHissy]

power and control

why does he do that

IN SHORT, YOU CAN'T REBUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ABUSER.

Call WA and ask them. Ask your therapist. Call Respect.

[waltermittymistletoe]

Seriously, you have some insane idea that he wants the best for you!

He's the worst enemy you ever had!

This. In spades.

[dequoisagitil]

You don't have to explain it to him. He should understand through the fact that you had to flee to a refuge just a year ago, that his behaviour has forfeited the relationship.

Text or email to say you've thought about it and there's no going back. You will enable access through the contact centre once arranged through the courts. Any contact is to be through email/text from now on, and to concern dd only. Anything regarding a relationship between you & he will be ignored/deleted. Any attempts to contact you directly outside of these parameters will be considered harassment and reported to the police.

[gruffalosmother]

sausage - its because its been really positive that we have been able to comunicate well and i dont want any tensions between us.
with the contact order, he is the one applying for it . does that mean that we have to stick to what they say even if i feel comfortable giving more access in future ?

[aurorastargazer]

please don't go back. ex wanted me to, it's been 5 years and not once did i think of going back. i stayed away. even though I'm with a decent man, he still tries laying on the charm occasionally then when he realizes i won't give in (because I'm with my boyfriend and have been for nearly 2 and half years) he reverts back to type. those men never change.

[tribpot]

at the moment they are recommending supervised contact centrr. but how can b a proper dad when he'll only c her a few hours a week..if that!

Why do you think they are recommending this course of action?

Why has he followed you when you fled from him? When you are in court over access arrangements? I notice this has conveniently meant 'postponing' (to put it charitably) the perpetrators' course.

And he started texting before Christmas? It's not even the middle of January and you've already convinced yourself this could be worth another go?

You need to focus on yourself, and learning to value yourself a bit more than this.

[HappyNewHissy]

He is pretending.

You know, like he did for the beginning of your relationship?

Before he turned violent?

You went to a refuge, he is now trying to get contact, through the courts.

He is being nice so that he wins.

You need to FIGHT the contact order. SS would support you, WA too. did you call the police at the time?

[HappyNewHissy]

POSTPONE the contact hearings UNTIL he's done his course.

Demand that no access be allowed until he is SAFE and can prove it.

that ought to keep him busy for a while.

Please listen to SS? they know what they are talking about. They are looking at this from the child's perspective, they are not convinced he should have contact that is in private.

Do you realise how HARD it is to actually get them to say that? Really?

You are totally blind to him still. Please understand this and know that you are not acting in anyone's best interests.

[gruffalosmother]

i dont know if hes pretending. but it could well be that he is being manipilative again as thats all he knows how to be. shit, what if he tells the court we have been meeting up?

[Sausagedog27]

The court will be assessing what is best for your child- if that is supervised and limited to only a few hours then that's what is best. Courts won't recommend such a course of action for no reason, but on balance for what is best for your child- nothing more. You both have a responsibility to uphold that. He is trying to get around you and manipulate you because he can- not so easy to do to a judge.

You don't want any tension? It's his fault there is tension, through all his abusive behaviour. Just go no contact. Talk to WA, please. You owe him nothing.

[Sausagedog27]

You do also need to consider if this is all so he can get evidence and undermine your credibility in court. This is why you just need to stop now, no contact, no responses from you, everything done properly and by the book - for your child.

[SirSugar]

Do not get back together with him.

I escaped my abusive H because he died.

These men do not change, in the same way that my now DP does not know how to be abusive, he just hasn't got it in him.

And don't think for one minute your situation won't be like that - he will abuse you again and you'll be wishing you'd never let him in.

I have no time for abusive men, they are cunts of the highest order

[BertieBotts]

Have a google and a read up about traumatic bonding OP.

[SirSugar]

When I was going to leave H he suggested counselling, we got involved with the hysterical bonding shite and as soon as he felt he had hooked me back in he jumped ship on the counselling.

And then he was even more of a cunt than before because I got pregnant again.

Your post gives me the chills OP, if I thought for one minute H was coming back from the dead I would run for the hills screaming you can fuck the fuck off and never come near me again.

[sparklyjumper]

Oh sweetheart, you've got to be really careful here.

You need to set some boundaries and some rules.

For a start, you shouldn't be texting eachother, he shouldn't have your number.You shouldn't be worrying about what he thinks or how he feels. It's not your responsibility to make him a good father, or to make sure he has more time. Your dd will be just fine so long as you STAY AWAY from this man. You're falling into all of the classic traps.

You're responsible for keeping your dd safe and lookng after her, keeping yourself self, and rebuilding a life for yourself without him.

You don't need to tell him or to explain anything, and please, please don't show him this thread, that could be potentially very dangerous.

You don't need to have direct contact with him, contact can all be done through a third party. If he's granted access to your dd it will be at a contact centre where he can be assessed by professionals but they will also make it a homely, comfortable and welcoming environment where he can play with dd and spend some time with her, and prove himself.

And in the meantime I would urge you to sign up with your local children's centre, get out to some toddler groups, everything you can, meet some other mums and dads. You might even make a new friend or two.

[HappyNewHissy]

I know most of the posters on here, some of them I know really well (in an MN context) and I know that they are telling you the best of advice, from a place of real knowledge.

Do you think SirSugar goes around using the C word every day? She does not.

Please be the one to protect your precious baby from a man you had to run away from?

Please don't let him have her on his own, not if you can help it. SS will take a very dim view of you having close unsupervised contact with a man as dangerous as he is, and he has not even TRIED to fix himself. He is going through the motions to bring you down.

It's an ACT, all of it, trust me.

[Chrysanthemum5]

All I can do is tell you about my father. He was abusive, violent, alcoholic etc. my mum would find the courage to leave him, and we'd restart our lives in a happy little unit without him. The he'd find us, and he'd be charming, and lovely. And mum was tired from working full time and looking after 5 children so she wanted to believe he'd changed. She would go back to him, and the abuse would begin again, but this time it would be worse to punish her for leaving. And when she tried to leave again social services would be less willing to help because they didn't believe she was serious. So, it got harder for her to leave.

Please, for the sake of your child, have nothing to do with your ex. Let him have supervised contact with his child, but don't let him back in to your life.

[babyhammock]

You have an amazing opportunity to be free of this man. Grab it with both hands and stop inviting him back into your lives. And yes read up about traumatic bonding as an earlier poster suggested. Its very powerful and it seems like you have it

[gruffalosmother]

chrysanthemum - thank you for sharing, Im sorry you had to grow up with such a horrendous man for your father. i can see that ss could become a real threat for me too and is why i tneed to look at what has been going on.
thank you sparklyjumper

[gruffalosmother]

.. and babyhammock . i can see iv been letting my heart take over but u r right, i need to think of dd . its hard tho getting the right balance because i do think she Will benefit from havibg her dad in her life.
sirsugar, Im sorry for what u went through . what you said aboyut my post givibg u chills really made me think.
thanks hisssy i know i need to sort myself out .
bertie- i have read a bit about traumatic bonding before and i do seem to fit the bill. but even so , it doesnt cjange how i feel much.
i spoke to solicitor today , she said i was silly for letting him come to my house but that atm i can meet him if i want its just the court Will say that i obvs not that scared of him. what a fool ive been.
i have written down what i want to say to ex , i might tll him tomorrow . i know a lot of u think i shouldnt but i hope it might make him think about what he has done and needs to do. he isnt totalky indenial, he even admitted the abuse in xourt.

many thanks again to all of you. xx

[Bogeyface]

If you allow this man back in the SS would consider you to be abusing your DD, had you thought of that? You would be a child abuser.

[Bogeyface]

X post,

You are still doing it!! YOu are still pandering to him!

You dont have to tell him ANYTHING. You dont have to keep him happy and no, your DD will not be better off with a lying abusive manipulative shit head in her life. You should be fighting his application, not going along with it!

Abusive men will always find a way to hurt you, and once he has his access with your DD he will use her. He may say things to upset her, try to alienate you from her, invent (or cause) injuries that he says you did, all in order to hurt you.

I am sorry to say this but you need to sort yourself out and start fighting back. This man it totally fucking you over and you are letting him. For the sake of your daughter, get a fucking grip and FIGHT BACK!

[LilyontheLeaf]

OP, let me put it really starkly for you.

If you do not consider your DD's interests, SS will do it for you.

They will make you choose - him or her.

I have seen women that are so manipulated, so blinded by an abusive partner that they chose them over their own children.

I am not saying that is you - but please, don't put yourself or your DD at risk.