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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

rebuilding relationship with abusive ex?

129 replies

gruffalosmother · 13/01/2013 15:34

I'm after some of your wise advice.
me and my dd's dad broke up nearly a year ago after his was emotionally and physically abusive (throwing things, threats, pushes) . Since then we have lived in refuge, moved to across the country to start a new life and are actually going through court at the moment in regards to contact arrangements.
Things have been very up and down between us since we split. mostly down I suppose, him disappearing, making no effort with dd, him lying about drugs and alcohol. He has however moved across the country to be closer to dd in the last couple of months and was on a perpetrator program before he moved and is waiting to get onto a new one in the place down here.
cut a very long story short, we have met up a couple of times recently. talked about whats been happening, talked about our childhoods, our regrets etc. (I have also been having counselling for about 9 months by the way and am A LOT stronger then I was before) . The second time we met up last week he came to my house, after dd had gone to bed we ended up kissing and a bit more. It was wonderful. I have missed him so much and it seemed even more amazing in some ways than when we were happy together.
I am very wary that this could be a dangerous situation to be in for me and my dd. but he is showing signs of change...or am I falling for his lies and charm again?
I told my best mate about it and understandably, she was pissed off. I feel a bit of an idiot because I've come all this way, gone through refuge, counselling, my friends have been here for me and now I might be throwing it all back in their faces by trying again with him.
Does anyone have experience of once abusive relationships working out second time around? I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Report

dequoisagitil · 13/01/2013 18:35

He can have supervised access or access through a contact centre or third parties. You have no need to be having cosy chats with him. Haven't you had any advice about what options are open to you if you're going to court or through the refuge?

The temptation must be strong to keep in touch, but you don't need to talk to him directly. Ar He is using dd as a wedge to gain access to you, after all he had no interest in her earlier this year.

BertieBotts · 13/01/2013 18:45

Have you done the freedom programme?

I agree you have to keep the relationship between you strictly businesslike, it's all about DD now.

waltermittymistletoe · 13/01/2013 18:52

Give it another 2 years.

A year without allowing him to be involved in your life.

Spend time alone and with friends.

Concentrate on your dd.

Meet people who aren't abusive and manipulative.

Then see if you want to try again I'll pray that you don't.

Piemother · 13/01/2013 18:59

Yep. Went back/hysterical binding then worse abuse than ever. Don't do it.

gruffalosmother · 13/01/2013 19:13

thanks everyone. the court have yet to decide whar sort of access is suitable . at the moment they are recommending supervised contact centrr. but how can b a proper dad when he'll only c her a few hours a week..if that! the rest of the tine he wont have a clue about dd and what shes up to, how she is etc. it wont be much of a relationship for dd at all.

OP posts:

gruffalosmother · 13/01/2013 19:15

bertie bots havent done the freedom program. would like to tho. not sure if tgey have it in my area as it was never mentioned in refuge.

OP posts:

dequoisagitil · 13/01/2013 19:16

He needs to earn the relationship with his dd. If the contact centre works well for them and he proves himself, he'll end up with more access in time. At the moment, they're recommending supervised contact because he's not safe for your dd to be around alone.

gruffalosmother · 13/01/2013 19:17

p.s i undestand what you are sayibg about being 'business like' but we had a baby together, parenting is very emotional isntt it?

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 13/01/2013 19:20

Freedom programme can be done online for free at www.onespace.org.uk/

foolonthehill · 13/01/2013 19:20

It's easier to be business-like if you don't see him!

gruffalosmother · 13/01/2013 19:24

thank you for the link! didbt realise you could do it online ! Will def be getting started with that. Im shocked that refuge dont recommend it. in fact, there is no support once you leave whatsoever. apparently due to funding cuts.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 13/01/2013 19:24

I don't think the Freedom Programme is run by Women's Aid so they may not have mentioned it - it's worth googling "domestic violence counselling" and your local area to see if anything exists? There might be other things like it too.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ This has a list of courses around the country.

You can also try searching for "Pattern Changing course" and your local area as this is a similar thing - there doesn't seem to be one big list though.

BertieBotts · 13/01/2013 19:26

Doing it online would be better than nothing but do look aroubd to see if anything exists in your area as at least you can check out the different options then :)

balia · 13/01/2013 19:27

Well done for getting you (and DD) this far.

To answer your original question, a friend of mine allowed her physically abusive ex back in her life. He was never physically abusive again, but passive-aggressive, ea (telling her how ugly/unattractive she was) got her to do a lot of things sex-wise that she didn't want to do, was financially abusive, spent family money like it was his own, went bankrupt, they lost their house...and then finally she found out he had been sleeping with underage girls.

If you really thought he had 'changed', you wouldn't be going through court about contact. Your protective instinct towards DD is the 'voice' you need to listen to now. The court are suggesting supervised contact to protect her. He can't go from absent violent druggie to 'proper dad' without a long period of learning and supervision.

If you feel you need to tell him something, text or email that you have thought it over and agree with him that keeping your distance is a sensible way forward, and suggest if he wants to help out more with DD he starts with a parenting class.

waltermittymistletoe · 13/01/2013 19:28

So they're recommending supervised access in a contact centre and you're worried he'll miss out?

Perhaps you should concentrate on your dd's safety and not on making an abuser happy? He'd be in her life every day if it wasn't for his actions, wouldn't he?

You say you're terrified SS will become involved? Maybe you should start thinking of how to avoid them having to.

foolonthehill · 13/01/2013 19:31

SS will be your greatest ally until and unless you let this man back into your home and your life. At that point they will seriously worry about your ability and willingness to protect your daughter.

gruffalosmother · 13/01/2013 19:34

thank you bertie Will take a look.at that.
thank you for sharing baila. what an awful situation for your friend.. its one of those where if it were someone else saying what i am i'd be advising the same. just is very tricky when you are emotionally involved . would i be bonkers in showing him this thread to explain my reasons? i have name changed.

OP posts:

dequoisagitil · 13/01/2013 19:35

The Women's Aid website has a list of local DV services - if you have a look, there may be a support group or services you can access in your area, which would be useful to you. Page.

dequoisagitil · 13/01/2013 19:35

Yes, you'd be bonkers.

HappyNewHissy · 13/01/2013 19:41

"he has started txting asking after her"

START?

WHEN did he start? WHEN did it occur to him to give a shit about DD? Was it after you left?

How often does he text?

You do see that this is a tactic....

'LOSE' your phone love...

You need some space from him. Your DD needs protecting. She was abused too.

gruffalosmother · 13/01/2013 19:42

they run a few in my area which is good news. hmm thought that might be the case. just thought it sums it all up without me having to explain to him.

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HappyNewHissy · 13/01/2013 19:44

DON'T FUCKING SHOW HIM THIS THREAD!

FFS woman! (sorry!)

Seriously, you have some insane idea that he wants the best for you!

He's the worst enemy you ever had! Someone you had to escape to a REFUGE to get away from.

Show your THERAPIST the thread, and if they don't agree with the general sentiment that you need to get him away from you, and to tell you to cop on, tbh, they are CRAP and not serving you well.

Sausagedog27 · 13/01/2013 19:44

You don't need to give him any reasons- you owe him nothing. I'm worried that you seem hell bent on contacting him still.

It could all get very serious if you go against a court order for contact. Ss would be involved- you coud lose your daughter if you get back with him. Please give WA a call and don't contact your ex.

gruffalosmother · 13/01/2013 19:45

i know hissy, its crap. he started texting a bit before xmas after i said he needed to take more of an interest in dds liffe. so my fault really .

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HappyNewHissy · 13/01/2013 19:45

You owe him nothing.

You don't need to explain a thing to him. You are STILL scared of him and trying to meet his approval.

After everything he did to you.

Read your thread and imagine that the OP is not you. What would YOU tell her?

Detach, detach and DETACH some more. You can't see the wood for the trees.

Because he hasn't let you.

Flip

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