rebuilding relationship with abusive ex?

[gruffalosmother]

I'm after some of your wise advice.
me and my dd's dad broke up nearly a year ago after his was emotionally and physically abusive (throwing things, threats, pushes) . Since then we have lived in refuge, moved to across the country to start a new life and are actually going through court at the moment in regards to contact arrangements.
Things have been very up and down between us since we split. mostly down I suppose, him disappearing, making no effort with dd, him lying about drugs and alcohol. He has however moved across the country to be closer to dd in the last couple of months and was on a perpetrator program before he moved and is waiting to get onto a new one in the place down here.
cut a very long story short, we have met up a couple of times recently. talked about whats been happening, talked about our childhoods, our regrets etc. (I have also been having counselling for about 9 months by the way and am A LOT stronger then I was before) . The second time we met up last week he came to my house, after dd had gone to bed we ended up kissing and a bit more. It was wonderful. I have missed him so much and it seemed even more amazing in some ways than when we were happy together.
I am very wary that this could be a dangerous situation to be in for me and my dd. but he is showing signs of change...or am I falling for his lies and charm again?
I told my best mate about it and understandably, she was pissed off. I feel a bit of an idiot because I've come all this way, gone through refuge, counselling, my friends have been here for me and now I might be throwing it all back in their faces by trying again with him.
Does anyone have experience of once abusive relationships working out second time around? I really don't know what to do.

bogeyface - i have thought the same at times about dd being better off with no contact but i would look like i am being obstructive to the court as they like children to have a relationship with both parebts. even whre domestic violence is involved .
by telling.him my reasons i think it would empower me and let him see that i am strong and know his games.

lily - thanks for commenting. this had made me see that i would no way choose him over my dd. i might care about him but it doesnt even come close to the love i have for her. i could never let her lose her mummy . its just shit that my right to be in a relationship with who i want has been taken away. i also think a fear i have is that he wont bother or do a shit job at being a dad if i dont support him which is more damaging to dd.
i grew up without my dad btw.

SS are not a threat here OP, your Ex, and actually YOU are.

If you can't protect her, please consider giving her to someone who can?

You need to REALLY look your DD in the face and ask yourself if you're up to this, because what you'll do to her by going back to, pandering to, or accepting what your ex did, in any way shape or form will SCAR her for life, and ultimately could kill YOU, or HER or both.

Everyone is trying to help you be a decent mum. All except ONE person... Your Ex.

He's still controlling you, and while you allow this, your DD is at huge risk AND is actively living in an abusive dynamic.

Email the bloke, tell him that SS are insisting you safeguard your DD, or they will. Therefore there will be no contact, no visits, nothing until he's completed a perp course, and until the court is settled. Tell him not to contact you again, until you say otherwise.

Then BIN that sim.

You will lose your child if you don't do this, is that OK with you?

We have all been through this, they are all the same, and you can't cure them. You're among friends here, but you have to stand up for your DD, and yourself.

We're on your side. He's not.

hissy - thank you for being supportive. i.kbow i am a good mum and a good person. which is something i didnt know until recently. i've done so much to protect her whilst still allowing her to have a relationship with her dad. if we cant be together i still want us to get on well otherwise dd Will notice this too. cutting all contact would b hard for me but perhaps i just need a bit more strength to do it.

"its just shit that my right to be in a relationship with who i want has been taken away"

The person you want doesn't exist.

You have a right to be treated with respect. As does your DD.

You have a right to be safe. As does your DD.

You have a right to be happy.

You get the picture.

Your Ex is your worst enemy, and you are currently your second worst.

If he cared, he'd be on the perp course.

You need to get yourself away from him, uncontactable by him, and give yourself time to heal. You need the freedom programme as a matter of urgency.

I also wonder WTF your counsellor is doing for you to be so lost to the normal non-abusive world.

How much time did pass without him having contact with you after you escaped from him? I'm guessing none.

You'll end up dead, you do see that don't you? Seriously, you're intent on sticking with the man, no matter what.

where is your spirit? Your self esteem, your worth? Why are you allowing yourself so little?

Why is this? It's about the saddest thing I've seen.

I don't want to give up on you, as I see you need all the help you can get, and your DD even more, but what can we do/say to help you save your own life? How can we help you see how wrong you have all this?

What's it going to take for you to put yourself above a man that hurts you?

Gruffalo I told you my story to help you understand. Your DD is me, my mum couldn't protect us but you can protect your DD. cut all contact. If he's a decent person he will accept that and still want to see his child and be a good dad. I think it's telling that you think he won't bother with your DD unless you help him so you know in your heart he's no good.

From what you have said he sounds damaging to your DD if the court insists on contact that's a different matter, but don't chase him for contact that he doesn't seem bothered about.

hissy, wow not sure whar to say really. i dont know anything but abusive relationships . it has been like that from the day i was born. i get that he isnt who i thought he was but am struggling to accept it because its the classic thing of whenever hes nice tge horrible stuff doesnt matter so much.
n
this is gping to sound like i am really feeling sorry for myself but i have never really felt love much in my life so when it does come along i find it really hard to let go. Im desperate for someobe to love me.

It's OK, you're not alone in that either.

But YOU have to love YOU first. To tell yourself that you are good enough, that you are worth it.

Whatever happened to you in your childhood will be repeated for your DD if you don't stop this.

Make the break from this man, put yourself in a place of safety, do all the reading, courses and talking to professionals you can to make sure it stops.

You can do this.

I know. I did it too.

I'm no superhuman. Please listen to us, not him? Please trust us and do what you are advised to do. Double check it with WA, with your HV, SS, buit please don't think they're against you. That's what he wants you to think.

It's the desperation that the abusers home in on. They can smell it.

You're a target atm. Please protect yourself by reading and learning?

p.s he dissapeared for about 2 months then stilk didnt contact me except to arrange contact . He then didnt c dd from beginning of Nov until beg Jan. He said if he didnt have to c her supervised then he would c her all the time. Earlier we breifly spoke n he said he would txt to check how dd is and i said i wasnt sure that was a good idea and he said but he wants to ask about dd. I feel a bit of a bitch not letting him seeing as i was tge one who said he needed to ask about her more. From what iv read on lone parents forum a lot of their exes ring and txt all the time to speak to the kids and stuff...

Love doesn't hurt.

gruffalo you sound lonely to me. Don't slip back into this relationship, you are still really vulnerable - as your last post demonstrates.

Why not get involved in your local Women's Aid or local council family services? Start meeting people and developing some good relationships. When your DD is older you'll be able to look for work and the world will open up to you again.

What do you want to do with the rest of your life? Stop looking back - only look forward.

Talk to your therapist - do anything but encourage this man to think he can come back into your life.

Of course he'd like a second chance. Being so lonely and vulnerable makes you very attractive to this abuser. Don't let him ruin your life again after you've come so far.

He said if he didnt have to c her supervised then he would c her all the time.

OMG he is a manipulative bastard isn't he! Violent, abusive, drug and alcohol user... please! What would you say to a good friend of yours if she was in this position?

Being a lone parent is one thing.

Being the victim of DV is another. Don't confuse him with normal people. Please?

Wouldn't touch him with a barge-pole. Move on.

Gruffalo there are some things that you need to realise.

You cannot, are not responsible for, and do not have the power to make him a good/bad father.

Your situation is not a normal situation, you didn't just split up because he didn't do the washing up, or he met another woman even, he was abusive, you had to go through refuge, that is a very serious situation to be in.

I am reading the things that he is saying to you and I can see already that he is manipulating you again already big time. He's doing reverse psychology on you in a very big way and it's working.

Why are you taking the world on your shoulders? Please stop and get some perspective.

All you need to worry about is looking after your dd and rebuilding a life for yourself without him. Don't wear yourself out trying to fix everything when it can't be fixed. There are other people and service who can help you with the contact arrangements, it's up to your ex to prove himself worthy of your dd. Uou can't help him with that, you can't save him.

You say that you're desperate to be loved, firstly you have to love yourself. You can learn to do this by building a life for yourself, being proud of going it alone and making a good job of it. There's so much out there for you, you can work, study, take up a hobby you've always wanted to do. Maybe these things are difficult right now with a baby dd but how about getting out there with her, toddler groups, go to your local children's centre, library, soft play, see what's on.

Second, your dd loves you, and needs you very much, and when you've realised there's more to life than this man, and you start to feel proud of what you've acheived, you will meet someone else.

I know you say you can't cut contact but you can and you need to.

Your dd won't pick up on anything, she's too young, what she will pick up on is if you allow the abuser back into your lives. If you can be the mum she needs, and she can see her dad in a safe place, she will be just fine. And maybe one day in the distant future, when you're feeling much stronger and have realised there's more to life than him, and he's proven he's changed by attending his programmes and sticking to supervised contact and proving he can leave you alone. Maybe then you can have a civil parent relationship. But right now you need to distance yourself from him because you obviously still have strong feelings and he is still manipulating you and you are in real danger at the moment.

Get all the agencies previously mentioned on board to help you. you are not currently in a position where you can see where a realtionship between your ex and dd crosses the line to him trying to hook you back in.

Contact right now should be supervised because he doesn't know how to relate to her without using her to trigger your warm nostalgia feelings. Contact with her doesn't have to involve you at all. He can write letters. Which I suggest he does as he has already abused the texting to start drawing you back in. If he had got anywhere with the perpetrators programme he would have stopped you dead each time you said you missed the relationship and reminded you how it really was.

You need more time with your counsellor to work on you because you are also an addict.

You are addicted to the highs of normality which seem so perfect after the nightmare he puts you through. It really does produce addictive chemicals in your brain and you do suffer withdrawl and cravings for it again.

As others have said the wonderful person he is when things are good is the fishing lure to drag you back in its all sparkles and no substance and he cannot maintain it.

The person he is when he treats you so badly is who he really is at the core. Ask yourself could you do to your daughter what he did to you while watching her lie there crying begging you to stop. Think about it, really think about inflicting on her what he put you through and think about witnessing her pain. Could you do that, could you ignore such anguish and suffering. No you couldn't but perhaps thinking of it this way might make you realise how little he really does feel for you because that is not love it is power.

You need to go no contact with him and learn with your counsellor to rebuild yourself and your boundaries after a lifetime of being shown abuse dressed up as love.
Let the courts handle it and don't push for contact let them know you can't handle having anything to do with him and you want to take small steps to ensure he doesn't switch his cycle of abuse to her. If they can do that fine, but you have to be the strong one here and be her advocate and voice and step in where no one did for you if it starts to go wrong.

What a lot of people forget is contact is all about the childs right to a relationship with their parents NOT the other way round. This is about your daughter, not him and you have a duty to make sure measures are in place to protect her from him should the need arise.

Thsnk you all i have really tried to take your advice on board. Its very true thst i shouldnt be supporting him to b a dad to dd . Well suppose the good news is that i havent had chance to speak to him about anything because ever since i txt him saying i think we need to talk.he has made exuse after exuse why he cant talk. Saw him at contact centre today n thouht id b able to ring him after and he was 'at work ' 5 mins after.he left. He said hed ring this morning but woke up late... He doesnt give a shit does he? Iv said it seems like u dont care to him n says nothing back or jyst hes been busy. I cant stop crying , Im heartbtoken. Its obvious he doesnt give a toss about me but i just want him to care. What a poster said above about being addicted to him is so true. I dont have any strength left to break the habbit. Im devasted, i dont understand this life. I cant b arsrd to c anyone or do anything i want it all to fuck right off.
Sorry for tge rant and for being a nobhead.

Don't ever apologise for coming on here to rant no mater how silly it feels. You are not a knob head, you have made an important step by realising who and what he is. The rest take one step at a time with, it will get better.

Thank u iamnot..
Its crazy that a few days ago we were so close and he was so loving and caring and spoke avout what he had done and how he needs to change. And now he is being so cold. I really do need to work on mysrlf some more becausr i csnt stop wanting him to care and caring about him. Its so messed up.i often think an abusive relationship is like having some sort of illness.

An abusive relationship IS like an illness. Addiction is doing the same thing over & over & expecting a different result. That's what you are doing.
I did it too, for 18 years. Absolutely convinced every single time, that he'd changed. He never had.
Please listen to all of the wise words from the posters above. You, but especially your daughter, deserve more.

The thing about an abusive relationship is that if you accept it is over, and he will never change, then you also have to accept that all the love and attempts to work through things were wasted. It's like gambling, I think. You have to write off the whole thing as a total loss, instead of having the hope that one day it will all be worth it. And the highs are so extreme because the adrenaline is so enormous when the relationship is so toxic.

It is worth it, because you have your beautiful child. Otherwise, yes, you have wasted years. Please, please don't waste more. I wasted several with an utter, total waste of space. I've now been very happily with someone lovely for 13 years and married for 7. Life is great. You can have that too - but only if you're free to find it. Staying with an abuser is throwing your life away with both hands, and as far as we know, it's the only one you will ever get.

He hasn't changed. You know that. You also know, I'm sure, that if you stay you are telling your daughter that it is okay for a man to treat her that way one day, too. That this is what a relationship is. That this is normal.

I also think you need to talk to your solicitor about the legal implications of reinvolvement. Because there may be welfare concerns if he has been seriously violent, and you are considering reconciliation.

Im sorry that you both were trapped in a similar cycle for so long. Fortunately this has only been going on 3 years. How did you find the strength to break away for good?

It's a hard reality to accept that despite all your efforts he will never care for you in the way you want him to (speaking as someone who never knew when to give up because I had invested so much time and emotion in it and it was so important to me). And again, your mind is being messed up as you live in hope that it will work out in the end. But - he will not be consistent.