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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

in a right mess....please help.

40 replies

helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 11:22

brief background...married to great man, gives me eberything i need and want, 2 kids age 7 and 2, great home in nice area and a sahm!!!

perfect eh...no

i started a fling with a friend of ours, i text him and he text me and we met a couple of times and kissed....thats it. after 1 week my dh found out, he sais he knew just by my actions etc.
its been 2 weeks since he found out and we have decided to work through the mess and carry on with our marraige, so i should be grateful!

i cannot seem to get this other guy out of my head, we shared alot of things togethor and yeah he made me feel amazing, we no longer stay in touch and i miss him....badly.

my dh asked last night why i was looking so down and i couldnt tell him, i do feel like i have lost something in my life.

please can someone bang my head against a brick wall, make me see sence or something.

OP posts:
collision · 20/04/2006 11:25

You sound bored to me.

A SAHM with not a lot to do (not trying to be rude) but in a bit of a rut.

Your DH could have kicked you out and (my DH would) left you with nothing.

If you love your DH you need to get some passion in your life and more excitement with him. dont let this ruin you relationship. Your DH obv loves you and you need to bring the spark back.

collision · 20/04/2006 11:26

Get a babysitter and go away for a night and spend some real time together without talking about the kids.

Wine, massage etc etc and remember why you fell in love in the first place.

anorak · 20/04/2006 11:29

You have lost something. But if you had kept it you would have lost a lot more.

No one can have everything that comes their way in life. Your DH sounds great. I'm impressed that he understood what you were doing just by noticing your behaviour. You have a gem.

Original poster
helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 11:30

you are bang on with the bored housewife bit, i have got everything but why do i miss the other guy so much?

also finding it hard to even go near dh for affection

OP posts:
anorak · 20/04/2006 11:31

What do you expect after 2 weeks? Give it time.

KBear · 20/04/2006 11:32

You're flattered by the attention of course but try to focus on what wonderful things you have got and how crap your life would be if your DH had left you over it. Everyone is tempted I'm sure but you've got so much to lose and you can pretty much guarantee that you won't be happier if you destroy your marriage and your kid's stability.

You have a great DH by the sound of it, don't lose him.

compo · 20/04/2006 11:35

It sounds like infatuation - can you really miss him so much after only texting and kissing for one week? How much could you have shared in so little time? Thing of how much you've shared with your dh and love him all the more for forgiving you

alexsmum · 20/04/2006 11:35

you miss the other guy because it was exciting and new and made you feel young and irresponsible again.but that's not real life.if you'd gone off with this guy and started a life with him eventually the shine would have worn off and it would be back to real life again.
your dh is being very good-give it a chance.do as others said-go away for the weekend just the two of you and rekindle the spark between you.

Original poster
helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 11:39

yeah my life would be crap with other guy,,,he is in rented house, in debt 2 kids the list is endless....but why do i feel like my world has been rocked by him.

OP posts:
helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 11:41

This reply has been deleted

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expectingsummerihope · 20/04/2006 11:43

I think all relationships have peaks and troughs and looking after kids is the best recipe for making one feel unsexy and undesirable. Routines are also very unsexy. You and your partner may need to take a bit of time away from everything that's boring you so that you can get a bit of spice back. If money isn't an issue I'd say go for it.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 20/04/2006 11:43

Sounds like the other guy was your "bit of rough".

Original poster
helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 11:45

god thats what other guy said....bit of rough.

so in your opinion will these feelings go away.

there is a chance of me bumping into him as our kids share same interests, clubs etc and school.also we arranged to stay friends

OP posts:
anorak · 20/04/2006 11:45

Love isn't all about fluff and romance.

It's also about holding someone while they throw up. It's about being loyal when you don't feel like it. It's about standing by someone even when they have abused your trust. It's about keeping promises. It's about maturity. It's about rearing children together.

You have to put up with the way you feel for a little while, and concentrate on letting your head take control of fickle emotions.

Original poster
helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 11:48

so how to get him out of head,,,,,help.

OP posts:
alexsmum · 20/04/2006 11:49

no staying friends.....NO!
it will NOT work and will be liking picking at a scab constantly!
he dedicated a song for you? can you hear yourself? how old are you?14?
sorry to be harsh but grow up.you have a husband and children and you need to remember that.
do you think being married means that you will never find anyone else attractive ever? no it doesn't..it means that you don't do anything about it though!

Original poster
helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 11:51

i appreciate what you say....but the dedication of song was lovely and if i was on here as a single woman you would say that too.

fair enough i know i am not single but i though it was still nice.

why not stay friends.....do i just ignore him then if i see him aroound.....which i will.

OP posts:
anorak · 20/04/2006 11:52

I don't want to be harsh either but agree with every word alexsmum said. You sound very young as if you expect life to be easy all the time.

You have to have some respect for your DH, your children, your marriage, your family. You have to put up with this feeling for now and wait for your emotions to calm down.

It's part of growing up - learning not to obey every whim of your emotions. You have to apply wisdom, reason and sense instead of jumping every time fickle feelings pull you.

Original poster
helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 11:54

i suppose it stems from the fact that i usually get everything i want.....dont mean to sound horrid, but my parents spiolt me and so does dh.

my life is great apart from this guy.

will these feelings pass.

oh and i need you guys to be blunt, dont be sorry for your words.....i need a good slap.

OP posts:
alexsmum · 20/04/2006 11:55

yes nice if your husband did it!

how can you be friends with him if you are struggling to get him out of your mind? every time you see him are you not going to be thinking'i really like you, you said you loved me, i want to kiss you again'..?

if the situation had been reversed and you found out your dh had been doing the dirty on you and you forgave him and gave it all another chance and then he said he was going to 'stay friends' with the woman, what would your reaction be?

anorak · 20/04/2006 11:58

The feelings will pass and boy oh boy will you be glad you were loyal to your lovely DH.

Do something mature and make the decision to stand by your DH. I promise you it will feel good. You will feel proud and strong. You will never have to regret anything or feel ashamed.

Original poster
helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 11:58

oh alexsmum my reaction would not of been half as cool as my dh. i would of ripped her head off, all my dh did to other guy was phone him, didnt even raise his voice.

and as for friends....i would not accept that from dh if he did the same...no way.

i know what you are all saying os right, but i need to get this fella out of my head dont i, and i dont know how too....he is eating away at me constantly.

OP posts:
Original poster
helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 11:59

how do i know if i love dh....if he approaches me for a kiss i can feel the dread, if other fella did that i know i wouldnt feel like that.

OP posts:
alexsmum · 20/04/2006 12:00

so how do you think it will make him feel if you stay friends with this guy?

can i ask how old you are?

LadySherlockofLGJ · 20/04/2006 12:02

Ok I am getting bored with this, you screwed up, you were forgiven, move on.

Begining to have my suspicions about this TBH.