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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

in a right mess....please help.

40 replies

helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 11:22

brief background...married to great man, gives me eberything i need and want, 2 kids age 7 and 2, great home in nice area and a sahm!!!

perfect eh...no

i started a fling with a friend of ours, i text him and he text me and we met a couple of times and kissed....thats it. after 1 week my dh found out, he sais he knew just by my actions etc.
its been 2 weeks since he found out and we have decided to work through the mess and carry on with our marraige, so i should be grateful!

i cannot seem to get this other guy out of my head, we shared alot of things togethor and yeah he made me feel amazing, we no longer stay in touch and i miss him....badly.

my dh asked last night why i was looking so down and i couldnt tell him, i do feel like i have lost something in my life.

please can someone bang my head against a brick wall, make me see sence or something.

OP posts:

Original poster

helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 12:03

i am 34...today!!

my dh knows that its gonna be hard not to bump into other guy as the kidsschool, clubs etc.

dont really know what dh wants me to do if i see him, i know i wont ignore him, he is hurt because of this too.

OP posts:

alexsmum · 20/04/2006 12:04

so leave your husband.

leave him and go and live with this guy and your kids in a grotty bed sit, get a job and tell your kids that their world has been turned upside down because this guy was so much more exciting than their dad.

if this isn't what you want, then you have to work at getting your marriage back on track and not just expect everything to magically get better.

Original poster

helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 12:05

ladysherlock....sorry fou feel this way, under the impression this site was for advice etc.

no need to be suspicious, yeah changed my name as other friends on here alot, dont need them to be in all this mess.

also sorry if your bored, but hey these are my feelings and sorry if i cannot just het on with my life like you said.

OP posts:

LadySherlockofLGJ · 20/04/2006 12:06

Well you are going to have to in order to save what you have.

Do you want to stay with your DH or do you want to go and live a life of uncertainty with the other guy. ??

alexsmum · 20/04/2006 12:07

i'm really surprised that you are 34, you sound about 18.

Original poster

helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 12:11

maybe feeling my age and want some youth back...ha ha.

i know my life would be pretty crap if a shacked up with this guy, and yeah things would soon get boring....and miserable.

i know i know i know.....but why doesnt he get out of my head, never been in this situation before, will it go?

so do i totally ignore him.

OP posts:

alexsmum · 20/04/2006 12:14

yes ignore him.

work hard at getting things back on track with dh and yes the feelings will go.
you said maybe you sound young because you want some youth back....you just sound really immature.

JVickers · 20/04/2006 12:19

What about your kids and how they would feel about all this! If your bored as a SAHM, then get a job part time, if you want excitement arrange to go out with your DH, go away for the weekend just the two of you.

Don't look outside your marriage for things you could be getting within it if you took the time.

Jo x

Original poster

helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 12:20

do i??

you know what i am always the one dishing out sound advice, got loads of friends etc and they are stunned at what has happened.

just one more thing, can you wise ladies tell me why this happens.....the other guy was in our social circle of friends, we met up weekly for drinks etc and we all got on, my dh and i was the last people to join the group, the social circle know what has happened and they have been amazing to me, told me that it was a moment of weaknes etc and that they dont hate me etc, however they are totally against what other guy has done and in their words.....could not care less if they dont see him again.

my dh and i have met with these friends since and it seems as though nothing has happened, o do feel for other guy as he has lost friends......why do they see him as the bad guy.

OP posts:

Turquoise · 20/04/2006 12:21

You do sound incredibly spoilt. It sounds as though you want someone to tell you can have everything, cushy life with a wonderful dh and happy kids, plus this bit of rough on the side.

No-one's going to say that. Tough.

You've had some excellent advice here, take it. The only decent thing you can do is cut him out of your life completely and start thinking about ways you can show your dh how lucky you realise you are to have him. The saying 'be careful what you wish for, it may come true' springs to mind here, it's all adolescent fantasy and if you lose your husband over this man, you'll realise you never really wanted him at all.

alexsmum · 20/04/2006 12:23

because he has done something that could break up a marriage!!!!!!!!

there's nothing else i can say ..i feel like i'm repeating myself.
good luck .

Original poster

helphelphelp · 20/04/2006 12:26

alexsmum...thanks for advice.

just needed someone to talk to.

OP posts:

fairyjay · 20/04/2006 13:11

Start working hard - filling your time - perhaps by making life nicer for your dh!

You will get him out of your head, but only if you really want to.

maturer · 21/04/2006 09:58

please read "after the affair" by julia Cole it's very good for all parties- it deals with the feelings of how do I get him out of my head- it also helps you and your dh understand how you can get into these situations.
I know from my dh affair 2 years ago that an affair is not always about problems in you current realtionship- it is escapism from real life, it's very powerful and takes over your emotions and with that your rational thinking. The escapism can be from something in yourself- discontentment- my advise is to try and find out what that is- see a cousellor- it soooooooooo helps.
Have NO contact with this other guy. Never be tempted to just "see how he is" if you want your marraige to survive you must keep away and time will help. Focus on your dh and family make time for ecah other again, get sitters and go out. Talk to your dh about it good honest open talking- he may say he's ok but believe me a partners affair haunts you, eats you up for years- the only way to work through that is to face it head on and talk and try understand how you got there in the first place.
Affairs seldom survive the real world- they are by their nature illicit and that's part of the lure - when reality hits most cannot survive because, despite what you think at the moment, what you had with this man was not true, real not like the love you have with your dh- you;ve been given a second chance Please make the most of it- you can learn from this awful situation and it can make your relatinship with your dh stronger but only if "no more secrets" and that goes for your emotions too. Read the book - trust me it helps!

computersaysno · 22/04/2006 09:03

helphelp I have just come through the almost destruction of my family because of a friendship with a man I had. Unlike you I didn't really feel much for this guy apart from the fact that he gave me lots of attention at the time. My DP was utterly devastated and I cannot begin to describe the guilt I have felt about hurting someone who I love and loves me so much. DP has given me a chance and I feel so grateful for that.

Just be so careful if you don't want to lose everything you have, if you are not bothered about losing it then make the break. Thats the only advice I can give.

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