How the hell do you come out as a lesbian at 45?

[kittenchaos]

Hello everyone.
This is my first post so please go easy on me.

Split with my long term (male) partner two years ago as I knew I was gay. I have never been with a woman.
Since then, nothing. Men come on to me, women don't. I'm not comfortable going to gay bars. I don't know any other gay women.

I know there are lesbian dating sites, but who is going to be interested in a 45 year old fat bird who is basically a virgin? The gay scene seems hopelessly cliquey and so far removed from me.
I see years of celibacy ahead and I am at a loss.
Thank you for listening.

Hi, just a thought but do you have any LBGT charity organisations locally you could perhaps volunteer at and met people through?

Hi fantastic news kitten my soppy side has gone all soft focus believing things will work out well for you. I'm sure you'll get loads of good advice from others. A friend of mine met her partner at a lesbian book group...

Thanks ladies, but I am wary of joining such organisations as I am not technically a lesbian yet. Only ever slept with blokes :(
But thank you!

What is 'technically' a lesbian? You are either a lesbian or you are not!! It's not based on experience, it is based on feelings.

Why on earth would you be wary of joining an organisation for people like you?

Please accept yourself and what you are. You have admitted it here and it's absolutely fine :) There is no need to be wary. Lots of people come out later in life.

Start exploring and enjoying your new life :)

You can cross the 'technicalities' bridge as and when! :-)

Straight virgins go on dating sites etc, I think you may be putting too much emphasis on the nitty gritty!

Oh, and I'm not gay but I am sure there are as many lesbians out there who would want to be with a virgin than there are men...

And one of the most sexually successful lesbians I have ever met is very overweight, over 50 and had both her breasts removed after cancer. It doesn't stop her seeing herself as attractive, nor anybody else seeing her as attractive, and it shouldn't either!!!

as there are men

Lovely inspiring posts, thank you everyone!
I guess I am finding it hard to accept that someone would want a partner with zero sexual experience. I am already thinking about "the conversation" :(
I know I am a lesbian. That is how I identify now. But it feels very tentative. "Friends" keep telling me I will change my mind. And I don't know any gay women (or indeed men) who I can speak to about this.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

Why are you wary? Do you think they will judge you or something? I'm sure they won't - and you definitely won't be the only one who has come out later in life.

I'm sure you would find someone who is willing to wait and go slowly, let you take things at your pace. Of course men and women have different bits, but the principle isn't that different, really, just try out different things until they seem to be making the right noises and then carry on

Aw, ta. I wish I knew someone who had come out later in life. And people are a bit judgemental, unfortunately. I feel like I have more baggage than heathrow terminal 4 :)

Oh, you shouldn't be worrying about "the conversation", when the time comes I'm sure it will be natural and feel good however tentative you may feel.

Kitten, my aunt is gay and has had several relationships over the years with divorced women with children who had only recently came out. It's a lot more common than you realise for people to figure out their sexuality later in life. You can definitely go on to find love and happiness!

Agree with others... I'm not gay as I've said before (only pointing it out again because I'm worried it doesn't 'qualify' me to have an opinion!) but I can't help thinking that it would be much easier to be with another woman for the first time than a man... you've got the same anatomy after all. And women are gentler and kinder than men, on the whole.

Definitely ignore your 'friends'. How dare they tell you you will change your mind about what you ARE? No wonder you feel uncomfortable and tentative!! Please try not to let this affect your confidence.

Thank you steadyonthere and BelleoftheFall, it just all seems so remote and scary. I didn't choose this path, wish I wasn't on it as it goes.....
But ta :)

My SIL came out in her 40's after a marriage to a man and 3 children. She's now married to my sister, who came out when she was 19. I don't think your situation is that uncommon. Good luck, I'm sure there will be someone lovely out there, and the sex will just come naturally with the right person.

Thanks all, your words have been so comforting. Maybe there is hope for me! I have to go out now but thank you all for your kind advice x

Don't panic.. Panicking about it will make it seem more of an issue when really whether your gay/straight/bi when the right person comes along..it will all be natural.. And don't think no one will want you! That's a horrible way of thinking about yourself! Have confidence and that will shine through alot more that actual appearance!
Sorry about the cheesiness by the way.. Never meant it so... Well cheesy :)

My friend came out in her late thirties and in spite of her initial terror about the dating game is now happily ensconced with her female partner of three years. Congratulations on getting to know yourself and I wish you all the best in your new adventures. You go girl!

Is it meeting other women or the general act of walking into a room and identifying yourself as gay that is worrying you the most?

Neither. It's actually having to have sex with a woman who knows what she is doing, when I haven't a clue.