How the hell do you come out as a lesbian at 45?

[kittenchaos]

Hello everyone.
This is my first post so please go easy on me.

Split with my long term (male) partner two years ago as I knew I was gay. I have never been with a woman.
Since then, nothing. Men come on to me, women don't. I'm not comfortable going to gay bars. I don't know any other gay women.

I know there are lesbian dating sites, but who is going to be interested in a 45 year old fat bird who is basically a virgin? The gay scene seems hopelessly cliquey and so far removed from me.
I see years of celibacy ahead and I am at a loss.
Thank you for listening.

Hi *Kitten, I went to a comedy night in Brighton last month with two male gay friends.

I was chatted up at the bar by a lovely butch looking lady. I'm a size sixteen btw. And straight, married with kids.

Otherwise I'd have gone for it. Wouldn't have had a clue what to do, but she seemed happy enough to show me.

Take a deep breath and get out there. I only have a window in the gay world of Brighton from best mates, but it looks like the male side is appearance judgey. I don't think the female side comes across like that at all.

Have you got kids? There is a gay section on here, no?

But every woman would be different anyway.. Same as with men?

I agree, you could have been married for years to a "missionary position" once a week man, then meet another guy who's totally mind blowing in every way. Doesn't make you less of a person, just makes it lucky that you found the opportunity.

I bet fundamentally all of the posters on here would at least like a few similar things sexually. And as a woman, you know what you like. What about a bit of Lesbian porn?

Hmmm, I wonder if there are any support groups, online or in RL, that offer meet ups for newly out-of-the-closet women? Might not be as intimidating if it's her first time too.

Then again, there are certain advantages to having your first time with someone quite experienced I'm sure she'll be honoured and more than a little turned on that you've chosen her for your first time.

One of my friends came out after having been married to a man, she would have been in her thirties. She is in a long term relationship with more of a 'career lesbian' if you know what I mean :) who has always identified as gay.

I don't think it will be very hard for anyone to tell you are not an experienced lesbian when you start dating/hanging out on the scene. But so what - the point is to be true to yourself and you are both a lesbian and a first-timer. I don't think anyone will be expecting you to be a black belt in All Things Lesbian by this stage (disclaimer: to my (limited) knowledge there is no actual hierarchy of belt colours).

Awww, Good luck with the nerves of Coming out. How exciting for you!

You're a lesbian because you see yourself that way. Doesn't depend on who you have ever slept with. Unless you think Anne Widecombe can't be heterosexual just because she's a virgin, too.

There must be support groups for late-to-realise-it-gay people. Must be. Get Googling.

I suspect you are not that unique.

There was some recent research about how women became more interested in women as they get older.
And a few women may not realise they are lesbians until later in life.

There's nothing like getting yourself out there and see what happens.
Many women ho split from their partner find it weird to get back to dating anyway.

Please don't go all "the only gay in the village". :)

You say you dont know any Lesbians....... I bet you do you just dont know they are Lesbians.

As for 'how to do it', You can 'please' yourself? so just do the same to your partner whan you find one which you will.

Good Luck.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1657506-Lesbians-on-Mumsnet

I met my partner when i was 21, she was 30.... Neither of us been with a woman b4, i was actually married to a man...

Sex will come at its own pace... I didnt know what to do, at the time it was easy and felt right and we both just went with the flow...

Best sex iv ever had... First orgasms and well just wow!!!!!!!

I don't have any practical advice as you must do what feels comfortable with you.
I'm a bisexual, married to a guy for 20 years, i do love him but last year my 'bi side' got the better of me and i acted on it. My DH knows aout it and even encouraged . And i ended up having a 4 months relationship with a woman.
It was like 'hey, at last i'm home ' it was like so different and beautiful.
Now we have ended it with my GF. I'm still with my DH of course, but i can't get women out of my head any more. For me it was a turning point and i have come out to a few people. It's like i can't go back now. But it's hard because i worry a lot what other ppl will think or say about me. But that's another story.

Anyway gay bars are quite fun and during the daytime, not as colourful as during the nightime Just be yourself and don't ever hide who you are, i'm sure eventually you will meet other gay/bi women. (((hugs)))

Really tired right now, eyes closing, but marking this thread to say I will read and post tomorrow!

Kitten, how about going on a chat site for Lesbian and Gay people. Not necessarily to meet/start a relationship, just to explore your newly recognised status. There's no need to rush into it and put pressure on yourself. Perhaps you will find yourself confident enough to come out after discussing how to go about it with others in the same situation. You don't have to throw yourself into 'the scene', the gay friends I have largely dislike the whole 'scene' and tend to avoid gay bars. I frequented my local one in London and a few of the staff were rather heterophobic which annoyed the friends I was with. Why not give yourself time to get used to the idea of a new lifestyle before launching into it. As for sex, any partner I've been with (males) have all like different things. Women won't be any different.

All good suggestions people. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I guess I have never really been a believer in "when the right person comes along it will be OK", but we will see!

Similar story to many on this thread, it was my mate's Mum who came out, after 25 years of marriage and three children.
She partnered up pretty quickly, and this was 15+ years ago in a small northern town.

I'm sure you'll be fine, but - and this sounds sooo cheesy- you do sound like you need to spend a bit of time on your own enjoying yourself. Don't worry about the 'gay' side of it all, just relax and enjoy.
Do start having a chat on-line though, takes the stress out and will get you more in the mood/into the 'scene', if you find you're that way inclined!
Good luck and have fun.

I'm bisexual but I've been with a man for years and tbh if I ever found myself single again I would be absolutely terrified that I will have forgotten what to do, but really, it will probably come naturally. You are 'technically' a lesbian. Nobody would tell a 16 yo virgin who was coming out that they weren't technically a lesbian so there is no reason why you should be treated any differently. It is hard to meet people and I think online is the way to go at first. You aren't alone though, lots of women come out after having dcs and ltr with men and you will meet people who have been exactly where you are. It could be worse, if you are a middle aged woman who identifies as bi then it is nigh on impossible to get anyone to take you seriously

Try The Pink Sofa (google it). It's much gentler than most of the other sites out there and has a lot of over 40s. The thing about lesbian dating is that you end up with a lot of friends before you meet your 'one'. Good luck.

I've just had a look at The Pink Sofa - they all look like friendly types OP!

kittenchaos, I'm an ancient lesbian, and I can assure you that lesbians come out at all sorts of ages (very unlike gay men). I have a close relative who came out in her sixties.

And, generally, lesbians are less hung up on weight issues than either heterosexuals or gay men.

I do understand how nervous you must be feeling right now, and you're right that it isn't easy to join the lesbian community - we certainly don't find it easy. But don't despair; you'll get there. Buy Diva and look at the groups listings; or go onto a web forum like gingerbeer. Focus on joining a group rather than doing clubbing; make friends; it will happen.

I can promise you a 45 year old fat bird who is basically a virgin has every chance of finding another woman to love

:) @ "I'm an ancient lesbian" devora. A gorgeous one, I'm sure. Good luck, kittenchaos. I hope you become ever more comfortable in your sexual skin ( that sounds odd but ykwim!) and eventually meet someone lovely.

My best friend came out as lesbian a couple of years ago at the age of 42 and since then her social life has been amazing. She goes to lesbian tango lessons, a lesbian book club, a lesbian climbing wall club, lesbian buddist meetings and loads more I've forgotten. She seems to have found it very easy to fit in this way and has been on some dates through it and had a couple of short relationships.

Admittedly being in London probably helps as there is likely to be a greater availability of this sort of thing than in small towns, but the chances are that wherever you are there will be something along these lines.

Gosh, I thought this thread had died a long time ago! Really must log on more :)
Thank you everyone for your support.
Too scared to go on pink sofa etc, I guess I need some time.

I did tell a friend at work I was gay. She said "Oh but you can't be if you've never been with a woman" and "I know it's hard to meet a man at your age but don't give up". Not an encouraging response.

Thank you to the ladies (and lads) of mumsnet, be they gay, straight, bi, transgender or non of the above. You lot rock, she does not :)

Defo worth looking for gay events to attend, and there are still women's discos around(showing my age here). Google and lesbian gay switchboards can help.

It's v scary at first but the fear lessens as you meet more like minded people. Then it becomes normal and fine. Hopefully you will know some intelligent people who know sexuality can change and they will be the ones to go out on the scene with. Keep us posted.

You're friends talking crap! My mums gay and her ex is with a woman who was married and had 3 grown up kids. They've been together for at least 20 odd years now and are in their 60's. so would've got together in their 40's. I remember as a child going on loads of lesbian meet ups with my mum. Picnics and god knows what else. Possibly through stonewall? Anyway just join a book club or go on a meet up and see how you get on. Make friends first.

I'm sorry that's really garbled but hopefully you can understand what I'm trying to say.