Family disapproval of my 'naughty' child is out of control - what do I do?

[ICouldBeYou]

For various reasons, my 4yo has been generally labelled as the 'naughty' child of the family. I am not blind to the idea that I am being blinkered, but I am fairly sure that he is behaving in a very similar manner to his peers and cousins - some of which is 'naughty' behaviour but that I am working on with him (I've started 123Magic although we were using other discipline before...not 'nothing'!)

Long story short, today my son throws a stick which hits his Grandpa and Grandpa reacts by picking up DS, shouting at him ("this hitting must stop!" which is reference to the fact that they think he is the only child who has hit another despite dodging his cousins' claws for the past fortnight without retaliating), squeezing and shaking him and then actually taking him behind shed out of sight of DH to continue shouting and squeezing. DS obviously terrified, DH in shock and shouts at his Dad, I don't hear about it until my return at which point DS claims that he didn't mean for the stick to hit him...

DS has been punished for throwing stick but what now? MIL already announced in public that I wasn't a good parent, and I know that they discuss us with other members of the family and how much our parenting is lacking but surely resorting to roughing up a 4yo is not what they want?!

Do I say anything to FIL? How do I stop DS from carrying around the label they have given him?

YES you say something to FIL. Like 'we won't be seeing you again until you can control your behaviour'.

ILs live practically next door and works with my DH

I wouldn't normally cower from standing up for my children, but I just don't think I can take another 'oh what a bad mother you are!" lecture right now.

And, yes, the thought has crossed my mind that they are right, and I am wrong and I have a devil-child or something! I have lost perspective because we live in a small place, far away from my own family and they keep reinforcing how bad he is and maintain that people locally are only being polite.

You need to move.

Tell your FIL that he's lucky you are not reporting him to the police for assault on a child. This is assault. Tell him if he ever does anything like that to a FOUR YEAR OLD again you will report him. And the next time they start telling you you're a bad mother say 'Your opinion isn't relevant' and walk away.

These people are bullies and not at all reasonable, so don't waste time trying to be reasonable around them.

Sod the label, keep him away from the psycho grandparents.

I'd have killed him fil that is - who the hell gives him the right to do that

Even if he is the naughtiest most out of control child ever, what your FIL did was totally unacceptable. I would also keep him away from them.

You could point out the example your FIL is setting for your son

Also your 4 year old is likely all too aware of how differently he is being seen by his toxic grandparents.

Why do you think your 4 year old has been scapegoated like this?. He is not the reason they are this way, your DHs parents are actively choosing to act badly and not just towards him either but you two as well.

You as his parents are letting these awful people see your child. That contact should cease forthwith; it is down to you to protect your child from such awful people who also bad mouth your parenting skills.

You two need to move house and away from them asap.

Shouting, squeezing, shaking and taking the child out of sight (to do what?!) to him?

You say ds was punished for the stick-throwing? Was that what GP did or something you and dh did on top?

You need some boundaries, and I suggest detaching your lives from these people. Your poor ds.

You absolutely cannot allow this to continue. I believe that labelling your son as the naughty one will be damaging to him long term, quite aside from the terrible discipline techniques your FIL uses. Don't worry if they think you're a bad mum - who cares. Discuss the matter with DH and get him on side. Do everything you can to keep DS and your ILs apart.

Tell Gps when you have managed to 'train' your child you will bring him round for them to assess.

Shouting, squeezing and shaking

This is appropriate? Why didn't your DH scoop up your son and take him home immediately?

If it is at all possible I would definitely move house

Even if your child does have behaviour Issues (and fwiw I have a 4 year old dd and can see her doing same kind of thing - hitting someone accidentally with a stick as was carried away playing) , their attitude is hardly helping.

Your fil was out of order in what he did- doesn't matter what disciple issues are.

I think kids sometimes can play up to being given a label. If the goods never reinforced by them and he's labelled as 'naughty' then they like to play up to that label.

Not saying your lo is naughty just an observation about little people.

As for your in laws, I'd distance (ok your stuck physically but you know what I mean!) yourself as much as you can. Have a serious talk with your other half about what you can do. It's his family he knows them best.

Is this a case of your ILs forgetting they were dc once that dc can be lively and that, as perhaps they see more of your ds than his cousins, they're making iunfair comparisonswith and drawing unfavourable conclusions about your parenting skills?

In any event I would suggest that, insofar as possible, you pointedly keep your ds away from his toxic dgf and provide an explanation should you be asked why you're not willing to leave ds in the same room/garden as him.

About 15 years ago my mum and dad had my son for the weekend and they went visiting to a family members home. My son who was around 5 at the time (and he was very boisterous) got into an argument with another young girl there and he threw a felt tip pen at her. A male family member who was around 50 yrs old at the time took a hold of my son by the back of the neck and gave him a "good talking too". My son went out into the garden crying to find my parents (lovely evening, bbq etc) and the person in question actually left finger marks on my son's neck which had already started to bruise. My parents were fuming and my dad marched upto the guy and said "Shall I put my hands around your throat?" Obviously my parents left immediately. It was a very tense moment for everyone. My dad later told me that he had never felt such anger and despite never having had the desire to hit anyone ever that night he felt it. Queue complaint to the police and he was cautioned for assault. My son remembers that incident as clear as day.

You need to get some distance between yourself and them. You don't need their approval to parent your own children, the fact they feel qualified to offer an regular, unrequested opinion says volumes really about their sense of entitlement.

Your children, your way. If they don't like it then they can take themselves behind the shed and give themselves a good talking to!

Wow! I would without a doubt confront FIL.

Nobody would get away with doing that to my child.

I would be very interested in your dh story as to why he stood there and allowed that to happen.

Also if people are undermining and bellittling you then it saps your confidence and your ability to parent well. If they slag off your parenting skills in front of DC then it will undermine you in his eyes too. You need to stand up for yourself AND your son.

Your son may have behaved wrongly when throwing the stick but his grandad behaved wrongly in his disciplining. Two wrongs don't make a right and to be honest they should leave the disciplining to you and DH.

My middle son hit my father in the head with a golf club, causing bleeding and a large bruise when he was around 5/6! He was clearly not behaving as expected with the golf club, but neither did he intend to cause any harm. Neither, it seems did your little boy. This incident in our family has become a family joke and we all laugh (my DM usually adding it was my father's fault for standing in the wrong place!) I ask you, what will your little DS remember of this incident later? You need to put some boundaries in place I think, your FIL's reaction is not a normal one, nor a nice one I think.

What is your DH doing about his parents. He should be the one doing the talking and boundary setting. Your PILs are bullies and misogynists. I notice they only blame you for your child's age appropriate behaviour.

Your DH needs to step in now and if can't/won't then you really need to seriously consider excluding these toxic people from your son's life.

I disagree that you DP should be the one to step in, this behaviour is likely to have been the same way that your DP was brought up and your DP could be struggling to cope with his parents furthe abusive behaviour.

You (IMHO) need to exclude these people from your life.

I agree with the poster who said 'move' & I'm not bring sarcastic saying that.

Constantly telling him he's naughty or whatever will undermine him & actually make him behave that way.

Constant belittling of your parenting will destroy your confidence & your ability to parent appropriately.

Both need to stop immediately.

You need to tell your in-laws you won't be putting up with it ever again & if anyone lays a hand on your child, then you will be calling the police.

Your DH needs to be 100% with you on this & if he's not, then that needs sorting also.

If moving is not an option, I'd definitely not be visiting or engaging in any way for a very long time & making sure they knew exactly why.

Goodness, I'm so angry on your behalf!

It's all very well saying move house, cut contact etc, but this is completely unrealistic and possible a bit OTT. Given that you live and work with them, I think the best thing you can do now (after severely bollocking FIL for his massive over-reaction to today's incident) is have a family meeting when your DS is in bed and ask them to help you and DH to improve DS' behaviour by supporting you in the discipline technique you have chosen as his parents". Explain the importance of consistency. Lend/buy them the 123 Magic book and ask them to follow its techniques instead of shouting and getting physical. They clearly want to be involved so make it into a family effort.

Could that work? I would also take the opportunity to tell them that criticising your parenting is not acceptable, and make sure your DH strongly and verbally backs you up when you say this.