Help me decide please by reading my pros and cons list

[Shybairns]

H left home in April last year and we are mid divorce. He stopped loving me, didn't fancy me and ultimately we weren't a match for life. He was very controling and made me believe that I was ugly, not sexy and terrible at being a mum and home maker.

Six months after he'd gone I met somebody through online dating.
We had a few dates and he fell head over heals for me. I was very flattered.

Things got serious very quickly. Which was not my intention.
I was bold over by his sensitivity and the fact that he loved and fancied me just the way I am. So we both got carried away and started imagining a future together. I have only been seeing him for 3 and a half months! But you know when you are older and slightly wiser you think you see what you've been searching for in someone.

Any way this past week or so I've started having some real doubts. But I can't seem to clarify in my head what it is my gut is saying.
I have written a pros and cons list about him and 'us'.
Hope you won't flame me. I'm being very honest.

Cons

-We are from very different backgrounds.
-He has not travelled (I have extensivlely, my whole life)
-He's not had the life experience that I have.
-He makes me feel like a snob.
-He refuses to have an opinion about anyone- too accepting
-He's so desperate not to be criticised and to be liked that it makes him shy/hesitent/generally unsure what to do in most situations. (this was endearing at first but is now irritating)
-I am the leader and he is the follower in our relationship. Not sure that's what I need or want.
-No pizzaz or charisma
-I feel like Henry Higgins and he's Eliza Dolittle - Do I want that? I don't think so
-Relationship got to heavy too soon. I am not ready for a relationship as much as I thought I wanted one and hate being lonely.

Pros

-Loves me, warts 'n' all
-Kind
-Generous
-Finds me sexy
-Supportive
-Prepared to work at relationship
-Good emotional intelligence
-Wants lots of new experiences

Am I awful? Thanks for reading. Am about to dish out kids tea so will check back later to see if anyone has voiced their opinion.

I'm really confused.

He's not the one for you. Sounds like a nice guy but isn't a long-term relationship.

I think it is far too early after your separation to even be considering a 'serious' relationship ...... why not just carry on having fun and being boy/girl friends. Don't tie yourself down to another relationship so quickly.

(I do think he sounds rather needy and insecure though, and personally that would drive me mad - his lack of his own identity/ideas makes him sound very immature and desperate to be 'liked').

I agree, as lovely and flattering as it is to be worshipped looked up to, it's not an ideal base for a long term relationship.

He's your typical "transitional fling".

"Things got serious very quickly. Which was not my intention."

I think this is the biggest con and that you suspect what you've got is an affectionate limpet rather than an equal life-partner. It's exhausting to be the one making all the decisions and 'carrying' someone. You sound like an intelligent, strong sort of woman but that doesn't mean you don't need someone to look after you.

The rest... no pizazz is going to get very old very quickly. Personally, I wouldn't like anyone so insecure that they made me feel like a snob.

Nice guy, not a good match for you. Neither his fault nor yours.

I could have written this a few years ago, your bored already and the shine is beginning to wear off his needy endearing qualities let him down gently i think it will be a little bit like kicking a puppy, but he will gradually suck the patience out of you, and you will in the end want to slap him.

He also cries very easily. And when I tell him face to face tomorrow he will cry. I will feel like a callous bitch.

I notice that the pros seem to be everything that your ex wasn't at the end of the relationship. The cons far out way the pros to be honest.

This is a classic rebound relationship. Nothing wrong with that, we have all done it at some point.

His attentiveness and attraction to you is flattering after being treated like shit by the ex. Its an ego boost, you needed it.

But he doesn't sound like the right man for you.

He isn't right for you but he is for someone else. Let him down but do it respectfully.

As mentioned above, his pros are the things you didn't get from your husband - basically that he makes you feel loved.

It's possible to find someone who makes you feel loved and appreciated and who suits you better on the other points. The cons would drive me crazy. My ex was very needy and pathetic and that's what broke us in the end. I hated being in charge 24/7.

Doesn't sound like you're that keen on him (and I don't blame you, mind you. I wouldn't be either). Definitely not the basis for a relationship.

He isn't right for you but he is for someone else, as someone said. And there is someone else who is right for you.

(Oh, and the desperate need to be liked by everyone would just make me insane, personally).

A puppy will measure up to your list of pros and a canine pal won't make you feel like a snob and will, most probably, possess considerably more pizazz and charisma than your current squeeze can hope to achieve in his lifetime.

IMO Cog's description of him as an affectionate limpet is most apt as you've got yourself a cling-on who's hesitant ways will drive you to distraction rapidly become tres tedious.

As it's all downhill now with this one, honey, you're best advised to make your excuses and leave him to his own devices.

This doesn't sound like it's a prospect for a long term relationship.
What has made you have doubts / see the light though?

Just realised we were running out of things to say. Can't really put my finger on it. Too many little things to mention.

You don't make lists of pros and cons when it's right.

Done the horrible deed. And yes it was like kicking a puppy.

Poor guy. I'm going to miss being held.

Never mind, some woman who's as lovely as you but different will appreciate him. You wouldn't have made him happy in the long term any more than he would have made you happy.

Onwards and upwards!

You put the cons first. That says it all.

You've done him a favour - all you feel is pity. You both need to find someone more equal.

Plenty more fish in the sea - NEXT!!!!

Good luck OP :)

Oh god. I could write those lists about a guy I'm thinking about trying a relationship with. Sigh

Well done for binning. And actually, he doesn't sound like a 'nice guy' at all. He sounds like a whinyarsed loser who might well turn abusive in a passive-aggressive way fairly soon. Because your previous partner was fairly obviously abusive once he got going, you might have made the mistake of finding yourself a different flavour of abuser - the 'madly in love' within five minutes rang a few alarm bells, plus his calling you a snob.

He may just be a wuss and depart peaceably, but thereisa possibilty of stalking and harassment from a man like this. If it starts, be ruthless in stepping on it and don't feel sorry for him. You don't owe him - or anyone else - a relationship.

Solid He never actually called me a snob, its just how he made me feel.

Think he's harmless. He also works such long hours and lives an hour and a half away which would make it hard for any stalker behaviour.

Ok, cool, you're rid of him. And well rid of him, because he sounds like a total PITA. The really key thing was that you didn't want a committed relationship so quickly, but he told you he was in love with you and wrapped himself round your ankles within about a fortnight. That's either a desperate loser - or an abuser.

Hello
I agree with most of the post above but no where do you say why you like him and it seems to me the only reason you are with him is because he makes you feel good about yourself. I think this sounds like rebound guy.