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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think I need help

22 replies

Lostinthemiddleagain · 11/01/2013 16:58

Ok here's goes

10 years ago I met someone, we were going to get married- i was 23, he 27 I'd told my parents who were happy, went to meet his mum who didn't like me- mainly because i wasn't the same ethnicity, same religion tho. Came from no money etc - so he sided with his mum and left me. Sad

I've been thinking about him a lot recently, going to back and reliving the time we had together.

Just found that he is now married, same religion and ethnicity, 3 kids, nice big house etc- all the things we wanted together! Envy

I am married, 2 kids who I love to bits and lovely DH who supports me and is my back bone and who I also love to bits.

So Why am I feeling like crap?

OP posts:
frootshoots · 11/01/2013 17:00

A classic case of 'Whatcouldhavebeenitis'. It'll pass. You're happy, he's happy, you have a great life now, he does too, what is there to feel like crap about?

Moominsarehippos · 11/01/2013 17:04

Ahhh, young love... Nothing quite like it. Wondering 'what if'????

You just feel a bit betrayed - he said he was soooo much in loved, but managed to find someone else (that his mum approves of) and have three kids in a short time. Ok so its not a short time, but I bet it feels short. The old bag likes the new girl and you probably feel a bit dejected because of this too (remember: she didn't like some things about you, not actually you).

He probably has terrible flatulance now and his mum is planning to move in with them.

HeadfirstForHalos · 11/01/2013 17:04

Just be thankful you escaped that marriage! You would have clogged up AIBU with all of the threads about your mil and your apron string husband! :)

You feel like crap because you're thinking you weren't good enough, and he found someone that was. He was the one not good enough though.

Original poster
Lostinthemiddleagain · 11/01/2013 17:07

head first- you are prob right, I was made to feel not good enough, it still hurts?

OP posts:
FireOverBabylon · 11/01/2013 17:07

If he sided with him mum and left you, he was a spineless git. Angry

Your DH is "your backbone" Just tell yourself you've gone from one extreme to the other.

He maybe did you a favour that he bolted back to mummy, in that he didn't do it as you were about to get married, or pregnant.....

But it's still tempting to want the life you'd been expecting to have. As you don't know what that would have been like, it's hard to see when you actually have a better one. Having a big house doesn't make you happy, and you have no idea how his wife gets on with her MIL......

Original poster
Lostinthemiddleagain · 11/01/2013 17:11

True I know nothing of his life now, just picture his beautiful wife, slim etc and perfect life....I know it may not be like that! But still

OP posts:
thebody · 11/01/2013 17:13

Can't understand why you would regret this stupid pathetic mummies boy.

Lucky escape from him and mummy.

Plan something fun this weekend and move on.

DO NOT CONTACT OLD FLAMES...

Narked · 11/01/2013 17:14

'just picture his beautiful wife, slim etc and perfect life ...'

...until she does something the MIL dislikes and one tug of the umbilical cord and your lovely ex will be on her case.

Original poster
Lostinthemiddleagain · 11/01/2013 17:17

Do not contact old flames- hmmm maybe a little late for that, sent him an email a few months ago, asking how he was etc- no reply back, which is what I thought he would do. Didn't know he was married, kids etc
Do not want to meet up etc juts want to break him in half Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostinthemiddleagain · 11/01/2013 17:18

His mum lives at the other end of the country!

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 11/01/2013 17:22

Probably he was too scared/immature to stand up to his mother all those years ago.

When he got a 2nd chance at love he he took it.

But in all reality, if he'd loved you enough he would have married you. Life is too short for what ifs.

Original poster
Lostinthemiddleagain · 11/01/2013 17:26

I should of known better, feel stupid now. He fell in love with a girl at university, who he was going to marry, but she wouldn't change religion so they broke up and went back home to his mum and dad's. I met him through work and even tho I knew this at the time, I thought it would be all ok, as I'm the same religion. Oh god I'm having a mid life crisis and need to get a grip!

OP posts:
Moominsarehippos · 11/01/2013 17:33

He sounds like a charm...

Original poster
Lostinthemiddleagain · 11/01/2013 17:40

He was really nice, oh so part of me still thinks!
My dad passed away about a year ago, which is when i started thinking..
when I told dad I was so nervous, but he was happy and agreed!
But telling him that his mum thought I wasn't good enough was heart breaking, I was a daddy's girl and the hurt in my dads eyes when I told him aggghhhhh!!!

OP posts:
MNHQ
OliviaPeacein2013Mumsnet · 11/01/2013 23:25

Hi there
WE have moved this thread to Relationships

badinage · 11/01/2013 23:51

It woz your Dad wot did it.....

Your dad sounds like he was a smashing man and I bet he wasn't hurt; furious more like and sorry for your pain.

So in your grief you tried to get a different ending for your Dad, that's all.

Ex was wise not to reply to you, because it's true - old flames are the path to ruin.

Go and give your husband a lovely cuddle and instead of regret, bless what happened because if it had worked out with the ex, you wouldn't have met him would you?

springyhope · 12/01/2013 01:12

Get a grip, girl. You have a lovely life and a successful marriage, yet you contact this slimebag - are you mad ???

Big deal that you were rejected by a turd - look where it got you: a decent life.

And what's all that shit about the wife being slim etc? come on OP, get a grip

Mrsaurtherpendragon · 12/01/2013 07:43

Lol, yes I need to get a grip.

It's been effecting me for months, told DH last night about what happened all those years ago, tbh he seemed a little confused as to why its causing pain now?
I think I am trying to get a different ending for my dad, when I think about ex, the ending is always changed, different scenarios etc- I sound mad! But it's only this ex and not others that I'm fixating on. Then again he is he first chap I told my parents about and DH is the second.

Yes I know I shouldn't of contacted him, didn't tell DH that bit! Won't do it again. X

Sorry for rambling.

Mrsaurtherpendragon · 12/01/2013 07:44

Ah yes, name changed last night! Grin

tumbletumble · 12/01/2013 09:07

This is really normal OP. I've been with DH for 15 years, we have 3 DC and are very happy together, but I'm Facebook friends with an ex (who I only dated for 9 months!) and whenever he posts anything about, say, having a lovely night out with his wife, I feel aggrieved. I think it's cos he was the only ex who dumped me rather than the other way around! Exes should stay single and never be allowed to be happy with someone else Wink

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2013 09:19

You feel this way because something in your 'real' life is missing. You may be bored, underachieving, worried about your weight, feeling old, short of cash ... don't know... but something is making you feel dissatisfied to be harking back to lost youth, lost love, lost whatever.

Work out what's missing from the present and your regrets from the past will fade away.

Mrsaurtherpendragon · 12/01/2013 10:23

Aww thanks guys

Yes he is the only person to dump me!

missing something? Maybe I do need a challenge!

X

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