Would anyone care to pass comment on my relationship/Do I expect too much from him

[TripleRock]

DH and I have been married for coming up 10 years and have a 2yo DD. Before DD came along we both worked f/t and earned similar wages. Since DD, I have worked p/t, 3 or 4 days per week.

I have always thought we split things pretty evenly when it comes to running our lives together, but recently DH has said one or two things which make me think he thinks he does too much. I'd really like some opinions on whether this might be the case.

Basically DH cooks every day whether I'm working or not. The only way I do anything in the kitchen is if he specifically asks me to get something ready, in which case I do exactly what he asks. He also makes his own lunch and mine for me if I'm working that day. He works long hours 8-6 and sometimes weekends, but gets up early so he can spend time with DD while I get showered and dressed and more often than not he gets DD dressed and ready for nursery as well. He irons his own shirts.

We share things like nighttime parenting and weekly shopping 50/50 although on reflection I
probably do more of the former and he the latter.

I look after DD when I'm not working and prepare her meals during the day, except he usually leaves leftovers that I can easily reheat. I do the vast majority of the cleaning and do everyone's laundry and put it away etc plus changing beds etc and basically everything else not mentioned.

I've always thought things are pretty fair, however nearly everyone I know would have me believe he's a saint and lately I've the impression he feels hard done by.

Is he hard done by? Should I be pulling my eight more?.

" lately I've the impression he feels hard done by"

Have you actually asked him? You say he's mentioned a couple of things? Were they specific requests about the division of household tasks? Or more general statements of dissatisfaction, which might need more careful exploration?

No he's not a saint. He is a responsible husband and parent who is doing what he should be doing. You do all the housework and laundry and work 3-4 days per week; he does all the cooking and works 5 days per week. And you share everything else if I've read your post correctly?

He is not hard done by. But you are!

Does he enjoy cooking? - because you could look at this and say that he has more fun than you do, because he gets to indulge his love of cooking while you do all the drudge work .... I mean, nobody actually enjoys doing laundry and scrubbing floors do they??

Who does all the present buying, responding to school letters and phone calls and remembering everyone's birthday/anniversaries and ensuring a card gets written and sent?

Unfortunately, lots of other people seem to think men are 'saints' for cooking meals and ironing their own clothes, because they see these jobs as 'women's' work.

If your partner thinks it's unfair, sit down and draw up a pro-rata list, but don't forget all the 'hidden' jobs that in fairness you might both do unthinkingly. Weight even those tasks according to their regularity though. Painting the fence every four years isn't equivalent to the hours spent buying and sending presents and cards.

He sounds like a gem. I think if one partner is working full time and extra hours to be expected to do all the cooking and the majority of the shopping does sound like a lot. Maybe it's time you sat down and talked about how you divide up chores? It's very easy to slip into a pattern that becomes set into stone and as circumstances change one person is resenting it. It might make all the difference to him if you agreed to cook a couple of times a week, and maybe he can take a turn at something you find a drudge?
If I'm at work all day and DH is at home with the kids (doesn't happen often as he is FT but for example if he's got a day off during school hols) I'd expect him to have shopped for and cooked dinner when I got back at 7pm.

No he's not hard done by, how can he be? You do all of the washing, he does all of the cooking, you do most of the night time childcare, he does most of the shopping, he works more hours, you do the bulk of the cleaning etc. If you are getting ready for work in the mornings and he's got up to spend time with her it makes sense that he get her ready for the day, it's still spending time with her, if you whisked her away to get fed and dressed what would be the point of him getting up to spend time with her?

It seems like a very fair split to me, the trouble is that so many households still have an unfair split when both partners work the bulk of the house and children stuff is still left to the mother so men like your husband who pull thier weight fairly get seem as some kind of heros.

Communicate with him! Make a date to talk, don't let it turn into a row.

As both partners tend to work these days the jobs have to be split, the old role of 'housewife' tends not to exist anymore but in the days it did, men did little except provide the wage.

"Is he hard done by? Should I be pulling my eight more?. "

Two suggestions... 1. Talk to each other about how you feel 2. Show each other appreciation.

18 months ago my DH started cooking once a week. It was his way of showing his appreciation and giving me a break. He doesn't enjoy it but he is a tryer!
Sometimes he has lots if stress with his job and I try and take some load off of him.

Talk and be nice to each other.

I just lost my previous post so hope this doesnt turn out to be a duplicate.

We have talked about it, he's OK I'm OK, just needed to know I'm not taking the mick.

I asked him one evening, if DD wakes up in the night will he get up to her (as I got up the previous night). He was miffed as I was off work the following day. We talked, it didn't turn into a row. I was tired from getting up the previous night. He has to go to work early. We're both tired, its sixes and sevens. We can both agree on that!

He enjoys cooking, he's good at it and it relaxes him after work.

I do all the banking, form filling etc, presents.

Its hard to keep a sense of perspective (for both of us) when everyone we know tells us he walks on water :)

So its good to get objective opinions.

I bet that if your working patterns were reversed, no-one would be telling him that you were a saint, a gem or that you walked on water. In fact with the division of workload you've got, you'd probably still get numbskulls saying he's a prize because he wipes his own bum

What works for you as a family is all that matters.

I get really fucked off with people who call men who pull their weight with domestic chores and childcare "saints"

These people are stupid.

Sounds like he makes a decent contribution - more than my DH who mainly just does some stuff with the DC's, and DS and he go to work & school by bike together in the mornings.

Shame if he's starting to tarnish his halo by the odd grumble !

He's probably listening to other men like mine, alas who think they're contributing to the household chores by emptying the dishwasher once a month and remembering to put their pants in the basket, not on the floor

It isn't an unfair division of labour if you're both reasonably happy. It would be ridiculous for you to cook if you hate doing it and he likes doing it.

Who puts the bins out?

We both do.

I called DH at work today to tell him I poas today and we're expecting

Guess that explains why I've been a little tired lately... and hopefully I can expect gingerbread men in my lunch

Congratulations!

wow, Saint MrTriple will have to "help" you all the more now !

congratulations !

Sounds very similar to my dh and I. Mine isn't hard done to so neither is yours. My friends and colleagues also go on about how 'lucky' I am etc. Kind appreciate his help and support but likewise, I expect him to appreciate the help and support he gets from me. We're all adults and should pull our weight.

All sounds pretty well balanced to me. I expect the people who call him a saint are just envious!

Congratulations!

I think you have a pretty good balance there.

I'm a SAHM and we have a cleaner who does the ironing. DH does about 70% of the food prep at the weekends including Sunday lunch - I cook the rest of the time.
I do all the bill paying and other finances, anything relating to the DCs, shopping, laundry, organising, present buying and so on.

If I am unwell, or when he is off work then he picks up more.

Tsc you are not a sham!

Hey, congratulations

Glad you're partner looks up to the job of being Father to two !

As do you with your powers of delegation - see if you can develop these further over the next few months

oh, your partner - duh !

Congratulations :)

I'm a SAHM, DH works fulltime but just standard hours.

We alternate getting up in the morning with DS, although to be fair he's sleeping well at the moment and gets up at the same time as DH has to get up for work, most days. DH does the majority of the cooking, washes his own clothes (I do mine and DS's), tidies the kitchen when it needs it and hoovers the upstairs weekly. He also does bits and bobs of tidying but nothing reliable! We share present buying and admin stuff. I do whatever else needs doing (which to be fair isn't a massive amount).

Your set up sounds totally fair, in fact, I think your DH has a good deal really.

Sounds like a reasonable split to me.

He's not a saint, he's a grown up.

Congratulations