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Original poster

Advice needed .. Found out my partner has been seeing his ex

36 replies

Mama1234 · 08/01/2013 22:10

I've been with my partner for last 5.5yrs and we have one DD (14mths). My partner still has a flat with his ex partner of 15yrs and I knew kept in touch. His ex developed breast cancer and I always encouraged him to support her (as she has few friends and little family in the country).

18mths ago (5mths pregnant) I snooped on his phone only to see texts from his ex asking when he's coming home and that they should really get away on hol. I confronted him and he said he's just been trying to be a good friend through her chemo. I highlighted that he can't do that.. It's misleading and unfair on me as his home is with me.. And I warned him.

4days before christmas I looked at his phone and this time saw texts from him to her calling her 'my love' which is what he calls me. Asking her 'whatcha doin'.. Texts he used to send me. And also messaging her from my Christmas do highlighting how she wouldn 't have enjoyed this party.. I confronted him and he's apologised and said he'll sell the flat etc.. I encouraged him to do a business trip and he's returning this fri.. But I just don't know what to do :(.

I almost think the only way I can move forward is if I meet her.. But apparently she doesn't know about our DD.

I was hoping for some sincere apology e-mails or calls but I think he 's fallen back in live with his ex. I can't face him At the moment but worry if I continue to not see him or just be upset and bitter he'll choose her. I'm not sure I want him back but I don't want to ruin this for my daughter's sake.

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 08/01/2013 22:15

Why on earth does she not know about your DD? And why on earth are you OK about that?

janelikesjam · 08/01/2013 22:15

Hi OP, you say he's apologised, but did he have anything more to say on the matter? Saying sorry is one thing, but being honest about what is going on or one's true feelings (for you or her) is more important, and am not getting a sense of that from what you say. I don't think you know where you truly stand and I don't think he is telling you clearly anyway.

InNeatCognac · 08/01/2013 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2013 22:17

Wake up and smell the coffee... he's playing you both for fools! She clearly doesn't know, not just about you DD, but that you're a permanent fixture in his life or she wouldn't be talking about getting away on holiday. Does her cancer mean that he has to spend nights away comforting her through the chemo by any chance? If you've never met her, how do you even know she's actually sick?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2013 22:19

'When are you coming home?' is not a question a sick woman asks a man that is paying the occasional visit. She actually thinks he lives there....

InNeatCognac · 08/01/2013 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doha · 08/01/2013 22:20

I don't think you really have anything to lose by contacting his EX. Are you sure she IS and ex and you are not just the OW ?.
Whatever the situation l think he is playing you both.

dequoisagitil · 08/01/2013 22:21

Does she think he works away (from her) and thus you're the OW?

Doha · 08/01/2013 22:21

oops slow one finger typing and x posted with a few posters all saying virtually the same thing..

AKissIsNotAContract · 08/01/2013 22:24

Can you call her? Everyone else has said what I was thinking, sounds like you are the OW.

tzella · 08/01/2013 22:39

And do you know for sure that she had cancer? I mean, it could be an excuse for living with seeing her. Lots of business trips? Do you know for SURE he's away on business and not living with seeing her?

freeandhappy · 08/01/2013 22:42

How horrible for you. What an arseholeAngry

freeandhappy · 08/01/2013 22:42

How horrible for you. What an arseholeAngry

financialwizard · 08/01/2013 22:44

Christ OP you need to call this woman and tell her about DD and your pregnancy at the very least. Sounds like a duplicate life to me.

TheSamling · 08/01/2013 22:48

This sounds suspiciously like a situation my friend was in. She and her 'd' p lived in different cities. He lived with his parents, because he took money home and that helped his parents survive. My Df is very independent, didn't mind them living apart, he used to see her every week...Last year she found out they (bloke and ex, also of 15 hrs) had got back together, that he had been living with the ex and they had a child together. (he had a child with friend too, older.) She was the unwitting ow. She only found out because his ex found evidence he was seeing DF and called her...

I'd say that if it looks fishy, and smells fishy. Then it's a fish. Time to get yourself some proper answers.

TheSamling · 08/01/2013 22:49

15 years, not hours...

VBisme · 08/01/2013 22:49

That does sound as if he's playing you both..... how much time could he be spending with her? (Not time he tells you about, but actual unaccounted time when he's not with you or at work - does he have any hobbies for instance that take him away overnight?)

I think he's still in a relationship with her, do you live together?

TheSamling · 08/01/2013 22:51

Oh and his parents had colluded with the whole thing, lied to both women, changed pictures in the house of both rand hi deem etc. It's unfathomable, but men like this get away with so many lies for so long...

izzyizin · 08/01/2013 22:52

she has few friends and little family in the country And you know this how? Do you have mutual friends in common with his ex or has everything you know about her come from him?

How long has he been away? Could his 'business trip' be a euphemism for a holiday with her, either at their jointly owned flat or elsewhere?

How often does he work away from home?

Original poster
Mama1234 · 08/01/2013 23:17

Hi, thanks so much for all your messages. It's great to have all this advice. I have wondered if I am the ow.. Which I feel sick at the thought and instantly wrote her a letter - don't have her number but may message her on linked in.

We do live together and every summer I spend time with his family and chat to his mum every other month.. Surely the whole family can't be in on it???

There's lots of unaccounted time and I believe he could easily be with her now.. I'm just not sure I can ever trust him again .. Anything he says.. Anything he does

I want to escape with my DD and leave this nightmare behind and move up to my parents for a month..but worry about my DD not seeing her dad and my partner's a lawyer so I think he'll fight to the end

OP posts:
TheSamling · 08/01/2013 23:24

Your DD is too young to really miss her Dad too much At the moment. The fact that you are this uneasy means things need addressing anyway. Is there any way you CPU Sri dour where she ives? Turn up un expectedly? am incredulous that she doesn't know about your DD. Why would behave said nothing to her about it.

dequoisagitil · 08/01/2013 23:24

Who knows what he tells his family? He's a good liar and a manipulator.

dequoisagitil · 08/01/2013 23:24

There's nothing he could do about you buggering off to your parents for a month.

TheSamling · 08/01/2013 23:25

Sorry, bloody iPad going bonkers tonight. I meant is there any way you can find out where she lives?

TheSamling · 08/01/2013 23:30

Also his family could totally be lying, the situation my friend was in, they used to put pictures of her dc up when she was there, and pictures of the other grandchild when ow was there. The woman he lived with was an eastern european, no family or friends, very dependant on him. Tbh I think there were massive signs beforehand though. He would be randomly unavailable for my friend when she really needed him, would never introduce her to his friends (claimed hehadn't any) she had a hard time contacting him by phone etc.
If you need to go and stay with your folks then do. You need to feel rested and unstressed at this early stage with your DD.