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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed .. Found out my partner has been seeing his ex

36 replies

Mama1234 · 08/01/2013 22:10

I've been with my partner for last 5.5yrs and we have one DD (14mths). My partner still has a flat with his ex partner of 15yrs and I knew kept in touch. His ex developed breast cancer and I always encouraged him to support her (as she has few friends and little family in the country).

18mths ago (5mths pregnant) I snooped on his phone only to see texts from his ex asking when he's coming home and that they should really get away on hol. I confronted him and he said he's just been trying to be a good friend through her chemo. I highlighted that he can't do that.. It's misleading and unfair on me as his home is with me.. And I warned him.

4days before christmas I looked at his phone and this time saw texts from him to her calling her 'my love' which is what he calls me. Asking her 'whatcha doin'.. Texts he used to send me. And also messaging her from my Christmas do highlighting how she wouldn 't have enjoyed this party.. I confronted him and he's apologised and said he'll sell the flat etc.. I encouraged him to do a business trip and he's returning this fri.. But I just don't know what to do :(.

I almost think the only way I can move forward is if I meet her.. But apparently she doesn't know about our DD.

I was hoping for some sincere apology e-mails or calls but I think he 's fallen back in live with his ex. I can't face him At the moment but worry if I continue to not see him or just be upset and bitter he'll choose her. I'm not sure I want him back but I don't want to ruin this for my daughter's sake.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mama1234 · 08/01/2013 23:46

I know where their flat is - that's where I posted the letter, but did also let my partner know..so not sure she'll receive it. I've just sent her a message on linked in.. Haven't mentioned about DD yet.. Think that's too much info in one go??

OP posts:

Original poster

Mama1234 · 08/01/2013 23:50

I just haven't told my family.. We acted through Christmas.. Didn't want a scene and I don't want my parents talking badly about him when my dd's older..

Think I'll break and tell them if I go back and not sure that's fair on DD :(

He was the one that kept pushing for children and he obviously hadn't even chosen a women!! How can men hurt us and our lo's this much???!

OP posts:

dequoisagitil · 08/01/2013 23:57

At 14 months, dd isn't going to be aware of the ins and outs and will just enjoy being with her gp.

You're buying trouble, worrying about what your parents might possibly say years down the line. It'll lose its novelty and if they're decent people, they won't want to badmouth their gc's father to them. And if he's a good father, he'll be around to show them he can be a father, if a shit partner.

I think you should tell your parents, you need real life support. Of course, you probably think that'll be the nail in the coffin - but isn't it already poised - and don't you and your dc deserve better than this?

AnyFucker · 09/01/2013 00:03

erm...

You are the OW. Sorry.

izzyizin · 09/01/2013 02:20

If I were you, I'd be checking the Registers of Marriages and Births for the past 15 years, and possibly longer, just to make absolutely certain he's not committing adultery.

Please feel free to pm me if you need any help with that task.

Btw, if you get no response to your missives to his 'ex', I suggest you write again and mention your dd.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2013 07:28

Please stop pretending that you are hesitating for the sake of your DD. This is about your insecurity, your fears and your embarrassment. Tell your parents and you know it's out in the open, no going back. That's why you're not saying anything. The only reason you haven't mentioned DD in the letter to his girlfriend is that you still think she's actually sick. You still feel sorry for her.

FWIW 'men' don't hurt partners and children because that's suggesting cruelty is something all men have as standard and have no choice over. Your man seems to be choosing to be a lying cheat and is choosing to treat you like a gullible fool .... big difference.

Good luck

Chislemum · 09/01/2013 08:19

I quote and agree with what was posted earlier.

"I'd say that if it looks fishy, and smells fishy. Then it's a fish. Time to get yourself some proper answers."

Tell the original/ex girlfriend/wife (?) about DD, go and see your parents. I have the uneasy feeling you are really the OW.

All the very best to you. x

Original poster

Mama1234 · 09/01/2013 20:38

Thank you all for your advice.. E-mailed the ex.. Bags are packed and lo and I are heading to my parents for the weekend tomorrow night.. Hopefully enough r&r to face work once more on non and my partner/ex!?

OP posts:

financialwizard · 09/01/2013 22:51

Why have you packed your bags and not his? He'd be gone within the blink of an eyelash.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2013 22:54

Glad you've taken a stand. There is a lot wrong with your situation and you may need more than a weekend out to understand the half of it.

TheSamling · 09/01/2013 22:55

Mama, hope you get the R and R with your folks, and some truthful answers. good luck, and well done for makng a move. Far easier to give advice than act on it.

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