Help with-the no contact rule-and a reality check

[sparklyjumper]

There's a whole other thread, on and off constantly for almost 4 years, but it doesn't really matter, we've broken up, it's been 6 days and I'm sure it's the best thing.

I've started reading this book, in the hope that it will help kick start something in me to make this time different to all the others and not end up back together. Only got to the first bit so far but it's about having absolutely no contact, no excuses allowed.

I think todays the first day I managed to not cry, although was at work so that helped. I have half expected him to turn up but he hasn't. He's just rang the house phone, I didn't answer. Really wanted to, want to ring back, see what he wants but I know it's the wrong thing to do.

I think you've interpreted no contact pretty well so far :) Did the right thing not answering the phone. The reason work helps is because it gives you something else to think about rather than sitting about worrying and wallowing. Find plenty of other things to do when you're not working and it makes no contact a lot easier. Good luck

Don't answer the phone. What he wants is to annoy you with bleating and bullshit. He won't change. He hasn't before, right?

Hi, in terms of the 'no-contact' thing. Was looking for support on sticking to it (in the form of a reality kick when I need it), stupid as it might sound it would be so easy to slip up and dial the number.

The book has been helpful, it basically talks about all of the reasons we find excuses to contact our exes after a break up and why it's a bad idea, it's in good humour. It then goes on to explain the grief we feel when we end a relationship, and also why we can feel a bit better and then end up feeling worse again, and how this is the time when we slip up and get in touch.

The weekends are going to be hard because that's when we spent the most time together.

He currently keeps ringing my house phone but not long enough to pick up just 'one ring' then hanging up. He just does this once or twice a day. I'm not sure why he's doing this, he obviously doesn't want to speak so why do that?

of course you shouldn't have any contact with him. when people say 'oh we will still be friends..' how can you? it's like constantly picking the scab off a wound.

Totally can't be friends, you don't need that stuff back, never going to get answers or closure from just having that 'one last conversation'. This book has really been like medicine.

One ring and hanging up is pretty creepy...

It is, but this is the sort of things he does after we break up, I think he's either trying to get my attention or testing to see if the phone numbers still working. But I'm not sure why? Was hoping you wise ladies might shed some light.

He's doing the one ring thing because he's an attention-seeking twat.

it doesn't matter WHY. He's your EX and the Why's and How's of his behavior are irrelevant.

what matters is YOU and YOUR future. No contact also means no boring speculation about HE he did this or that or the other. Its in the past and his issues

move ON....

I think I need to read this book. I met my ex today after 7 weeks (apart from at a party last week) he wanted to be friends and I stupidly thought that meant he thought he had made a mistake. He just talked about how depressed he was about not working and now I feel low and stupid.

Sorry, this is your thread, and you are being amazingly strong in not contacting him. Very soon you will have realised you have turned a corner.

"But I'm not sure why? Was hoping you wise ladies might shed some light."

He's trying to confuse you and keep you on the hook at the same time. Keep you thinking about him (which you are doing). Keep your hopes alive of a reconciliation. Get your attention in a passive aggressive way.

The reason it is so disturbing is because it is an unwanted intrusion into your life. "I'M WATCHING YOU". You have said 'no' and he is not respecting your choice. This is how stalking starts....

Can some sensible person please shout at me.

Feeling fed up this weekend and like ringing him, I won't, but I've got so many excuses to ring him to see if he's going to collect his things, ask why he keeps one ringing, see how he's feeling, all of which I know are not really logical.

I find the weekends so hard because we'd usually be doing things together so I'm craving the usual routine, I'm really missing physical contact as we were a very affectionatte couple.

I'm kind of stuck because I can't get out in the evenings, I really want to book a little holiday for me and ds but can't right now as I'd have to use my savings and really can't do that right now.

Keep thinking he must be feeling lonely or whatever as he hasn't really got any friends or much to do so he'll be rattling around by himself. Although he'll probably be online looking for a replacement. (Not that any of that really matters).

I've spent a long time putting my future almost on hold and waiting for, and relying on this man who wasn't really in it with me. I think I've finally turned a corner and accepted that it was never going to happen as much as I wanted it to. But now the future is a bit scary, and the easiest thing would be to go back into my comfort zone.

"I'm craving the usual routine,"

You have to create a new routine... urgently. I'm also a lone parent and know how difficult it can be to socialise and generally get out of the house. But what I did was recruit a teenage neighbour as my regular baby-sitter, negotiate a price and then sign up for a community activity which takes place weekly. It gave me something to look forward to and I got to meet new people that weren't work-related. Lifesaver.

Please stop thinking how lonely this 'letting the phone ring once' creep is. If he has no friends it's because he's not a nice person.

Funnily enough I had a prospectus come through the door for the local college. There are so many things I want to do it's just knowing where to start. Do I go and book that holiday, do I start decorating that room, do I ebay all that stuff that's been in the back of the cupboard, do I sign up for the college course?

Also how do you stop youself raking over and analysing every detail of the bloody relationship and looking for the answer where there aren't really any?

Do some of all of those things on your list. The two are connected. The more empty space you have in your life, the more 'wallowing time' you have to rake over the coals. The busier your life, the more diversions you create, the less you can do that.

I can tell you now that, in six months' time, you won't be thinking about him very much at all. Your challenge is to make that six months pass as constructively and pleasantly as possible. When I had a similar problem I did the old chestnut of throwing myself into my work. As my work at the time involved a lot of international travel it was just the ticket... plus I got a big pay rise. Win-win :)

Well I was feeling better and more positive, been out and come back to an email from him saying he's lonely without me and :( faces.

And I am actually feeling sorry for him?

hi, I'm where you are too. knowing its the right thing to split but finding it so hard to walk away and face the fear, pain, loneliness, starting again etc.

I read something earlier that said you need to be sure they are not just missing you, but are really committed to making changes to their life. and that those sort of changes take time to come about - as in months sometimes.

reacting to the immediate pain of loss is not the same as taking time out to reflect on their part in the relationship, what they could have done differently, the impact of their behaviour etc. also, if he knows after only 6 days what he should have done/been doing, then why wasn't he doing it? it's just cruel.

Sorry to hear you've been through a breal up too, rubbish isn't it?

Oh I'm not under any illusions that it means anything, it's what my book describes as 'lazy communication', and it is pretty cruel when I'm sure he knows I have far more invested in the 'relationship' so trying to keep me hanging on almost is indeed cruel. But then this is the man who paints himself as a complete saint.

well my ex lives as though decisions and responsibility are the rest of the world's problem. he acts like a child and wonders why he gets treated like one. not attractive. he's 34 going on 18 and lives in a nostalgic past of happy memories, because the present is too much for him.

your book sounds good - is it helping?

It is even if only serving as a distraction.

It talks firstly about the importance of no contact and the crazy excuses we come up with to contact our exes and why it's a bad idea, plus distractions and techniques not to contact. It then goes onto talk about grief and explains why we feel so bad after a break up. I think helping me to understand what my body and mind are going through has stopped me picking up the phone in the darkest hour (bit dramatic I know). Then it goes on to building your self esteem, seeing the relationship for what it really was. creating boundaries. Being grateful for the things you have however small. There's a really good section on parenting, things such as contact but also discipline which didn't really apply to me as we had no children together. But it did make me grateful for having such a well behaved child and that there are at least no behaviour problems with ds.

"he's lonely without me and faces."

My e-mail application lets me set up 'rules' that will put mails from particular senders straight into the delete folder. How about doing that?

Oh mines got block too

I know that there really are, no excuses.

I'm not blaming you for feeling the way you do. It's very tough, when you've been conditioned by an abuser, to drop that feeling they create which is .... 'if only'. I'm sure, in the run up to leaving, you often felt that 'if only' you could make this man happy he would treat you better. 'If only' you didn't annoy him so much he wouldn't be so angry. Just to muddy the waters I'm sure you were genuinely close at times. The combination of the two.... feeling responsible for your abuser's behaviour and feeling that there was genuine affection... means it's a hard habit to break

But you have to break it. You've temporarily weakened, it is messing you up already and, much as you'd like to think he's changed, I'm sure you actually realise that getting back together would be the biggest mistake of your life. Be strong, stay away, ignore his 'one ring' stalker crap and delete those e-mails without a thought....

This book sounds amazing, what is it called please? I agree that no contact is the only way to heal over a break up and I also agree it is hard and the low points keep springing out of nowhere. Well done for not responding to the fishing email