Am I alone in wanting to bother with less and less people?

[Findingmyself]

I have a core of very good friends. I'd say I have about 5 people I would call real, proper friends that I could rely on, I know them all separately from each other.

I then have a large circle of acquaintances; people I know from when I was at school myself, other mums from the school run, people I've worked with,people I speak to on online forums. Some of these acquaintances I meet up with for nights out, coffee mornings, playdates with the kids etc.

It just feels to me like all the time someone else pees me off and I add it to my list of someone not to bother with again or not to invest much in the friendship with them. I don't like to have a falling out as such, but I feel that I just let so many friendships slide because I cannot be bothered, or the person just isn't someone that I feel is someone I want to be friends with.

I've been friends (acquaintances?) with a group of 3 mums at the school for quite a while and one of them has recently started kicking off because her DD and my DD had an arguement, and being very bitchy and underhand about me, and the others have just been very lame in how they've dealt with it even though she's behaved badly, so I feel that that's yet another 3 people to strike off my 'Bothering with them' list. I haven't fallen out with any of them by any means, and I still say hello to them all if I see them and make very light small talk, but I'm always busy if they ask me to meet up, and I just can't be bothered to invest any more time in talking to them.

Then there's another friend/acquaintance who was getting extremely needy, turning up at my house all the time and phoning and wanting me to talk for hours on end. So again I've just felt I can't handle that from her and dont' want that level of dependency on me, so I've pulled back from her too. She's just tried to phone actually and I've not picked up the call. I seem to have really low tolerance for the behaviour of acquaintances or those that aren't good friends, and I don't tolerate much bad/inconsiderate/disrespectful behaviour.

What I'm saying is, am I alone in just feeling that a very small handful of people are my true friends and just keeping other people at arm's length so that I can pull back from my friendship with them if I need to? My true friends never irritate me or do anything to offend me as I know they never would as I know them so well and can be honest and upfront with them anyway. My mum always went on at me as a child that I had to get on with everyone and each time I feel like I don't want to bother with someone I have her words ringing in my ears, but my DH agrees with me and says you cannot please everyone and to pick wisely who you invest your time and energy in.

Sorry if this is rambled and doesn't make sense, I am thinking aloud really!

God no. I have probs friends on two hands. Acquaintances on two more. Fb a lot more. I mostly ignore them. I just have neither time or inclination to deal with things I don't like/want/interest me now.

I feel a bit freer though on bright side! :)

LaCiccolina I'm glad it's not just me! Freer is how I'd describe how I feel too. I just can't be arsed with taking on peoples' baggage, unless they are a very very close friend.

Any sign of bitchy/nasty/underhanded/two faced/needy behaviour and I'm off

Gosh, no I could have written your OP

If you're happy with it, then I don't see the problem. I think having a few good friends and a shifting circle of acquaintance is fine.

Being a 'pleaser' is exhausting so if you're secure in yourself and don't feel the need to keep in with people all the time, that's probably healthier.

I feel a bit sorry for your needy acquaintance, but then again it can be a fine line between being vulnerable and needing support and being a drama llama or emotional vampire, and you're better placed to know which she is.

As I get older I become far more choosy, or can't be bothered!

Glad to have another member of my gang, Pickles77 :)

I'm on an online forum, well it's a FB group now really, of people I met when we all had babies 4 years ago, and there are about 3 on there that I've tried and tried to get on with, really don't like them and how they speak/behave so decided too to carry on on the group but just never reply to them again. They don't bother with me particularly or do anything to enhance my life, and it's actually improved the group experience for me, cutting them off.

deqoiseagitil, she is most definitely the latter of your description! both those names describe her perfectly. I just think she's exhausted all other listening ears over the years....

dischordant, I think that's the case with me too, got far more choosy as I've got older.

You're not alone. I don't know if I'm becoming grumpier as I get older or just too busy but I don't bother with anyone!
I've a handful of friendships that have stood the test of time and literally 2 budding new friendships as long as they don't piss me off too much
It's a combination of previous bad experiences making me a bit cautious and genuinely not being that interested in the 'up-their-own-arse, my dd was reading war & peace at 2' kind of people I've met lately

That said I remain very close to the friends I've had for 20+ years

Another one who could've written your OP.

The difference is my parents brought me up saying that you can't expect to get on with everyone and it's ok to choose your friendships carefully but be pleasant to everyone else. mind you my mum is as anti social as me!

I am struggling a little bit at the moment as I'm in a new area and know I have to meet people for the sake of the DC so am forcing myself into situations I wouldn't normally bother with.

As long as you're happy with things I can't see there is a problem. It's certainly better than having a proper falling out with someone!

FWIW I think you've been more than generous to the mum who's been underhand because of issues with her DD. She doesn't sound at all nice.

Findingmyself There are soo many needy people in the world . I know it sounds selfish but some 'friends' seem to want to suck the life (or compassion) out of me. So for my own peace of mind I can't get too close to them. I have a few good close friends that I've had for years and some on here (almost ).

I feel sorry for the sad people but (as I say to my DM,who weeps over every sick animal and child etc., You can't live a normal life and also bleed for the world.)

You don't want to hang on to people who treat you badly, but be careful who you reject, should you end up alone.

The only thing you might be doing wrong is burying your instincts about people and befriending them anyway. Because then it can sometimes get a bit messy when you are proved right.

It's a really good thing to be discriminating about the people you spend time with, but I'd hunch that you're a very good judge of character and just know when someone's a bit of an arse or a drain, but your mum's voice keeps telling you to give them a chance.

Trust your instincts more and vet people before they get too close.

I used to know an old lady who said you could count your friends on one hand - and this is true. However, I must admit - I wish I had enough friends close by to drop!! I have a number of friends - but my best friends live miles away - one in Australia/one in Canada/one down in the deep South (I am in Scotland) one in Muscat. I have my old flatmates from university - but some of them have fallen out, splitting up the group - and having children - my god, I thought this would bring us closer together - but in truth, it has made our relationships a lot more strained. One of my flatmates had 2 runs of IVF, but it failed and she has never had children (has now gone through menopause at 42!), one of my other flatmates had several miscarriages and wanted a second so could not be round those of us who had children, one had really bad PND, has a child with suspected autism and wants a second child but her DH said no - so she has not been turning up as I have 3 children and just had a baby of 6 months and my friends tell me that she finds it painful to see me with a new baby of 6 months. I find that quite annoying so must admit, my patience is wearing think even though I feel really sorry for how depressed shes been - but if she doesn't turn up, I can't chat to her can I??

So I've been feeling really lonely in the area that I live and been trying to meet up with people - but have been burned! I was one of those 'sad' people you describe who you didn't want to get close to at antenatal group and some of them all met up for coffee (of my age group - ie around mid 30s/early 40s) without inviting me (not sure why; I'm not as outgoing as I used to be at uni and I work full time generally - so find it hard to relate to certain people. My neighbour was in the antenatal group and we haven't really spoken or fallen out - but she was the one who invited everyone round and not me).... but who knows, maybe if they'd taken the time, we would have got on?? But noone seems to do. So please spare a thought for those trying to get a network - if not for being friends with the mothers, so at least your children can have a network of friends and be invited out etc. A girl in our village committed suicide due to PND - I'm not saying I'm suicidal - but I can understand how people can get like that.

T

Time is precious, spend it with those worthwhile.

Another one who has few really good friends, plus more or fewer "lesser" friends depending on what I'm up to at the time.

I have very close friends who I've known over 30 years. I have a few friends I've known for less time and get on fine with but don't miss when they aren't around. I have temporary mates who are part of my current hobby or work group at any time, and if I stop doing that passtime or when I move jobs the vast majority of them are out of my life forever e.g. in my last proper job I had a good circle of 20-30 people I would socialise with, lunch with, have the occasional drink etc but now we aren't together near enough every day there's only 1 I keep in touch with.

If you think just how many people you come in reasonably close contact with over the years, especially in an occupation like mine where you move about between jobs quite often, you just don't have the time to stay close with them for years. I wouldn't have the time or energy to stay in touch with more than a handful.

Tazmo, I'm sorry to hear things are hard for you but I've not described anyone as 'sad' nor have I mentioned an antenatal group. Was your reply intended for someone else? I dont' know why your neighbour invited everyone round and not you. I would never do that to someone, but at the same time I have no desire to be best buddies with everyone I come across.

Despite not bothering with some people, I am fortunate that I do still have a very large circle of acquaintances, I just wont' put up with any rubbish from acquaintances.

And whoever said I need to chillax, yes I probably do! I don't show my pissed off-ness btw

I always liked this:

^"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."^

I also could have written this. I have 2 best friends and alot of people who are aquaintances, other mums neighbors etc. Sometimes its one thing after the other and I just cant be bothered with them. Bar 2 bfs. Ranging from bad manners. Bad language. Addictions. Fallouts. Two facedness. Not being good friends. Playing on each others guys and too much more to mention I really either cut them off or distance myself. I have afew different circles.
Its nice to know alot of people.but omg some people are hard work!!

I don't really want to direct comments to anyone in particular - I just think there is sometimes rubbish going on in peoples lives that make it particularly hard for certain people at certain times and their confidence lessens, especially if people pull away from them and ignore them. Often people are left wondering what is wrong with me, and that festers and can make people seem needy when they may not be. I've always been the sort of person who accepted you don't get on with everyone, don't put myself upon people because I realise everyone has their own lives and stuff to deal with - but as I get older, I find it more difficult to make friends and sometimes I wonder if I'm being overfriendly, over helpful or not friendly enough? I see a girl I met in soft play quite a lot and this friendship happened by accident - and she said you have to put yourself out there, ask whether little johnny x wants to play with your Ds or DD, whether they want to have a coffee etc - but I don't know why, my confidence is so knocked that I don't seem to be able to push myself to take that next step whether positive/negative. Oooo I don't know... but I find myself on my own with the kids a lot. I go to rhymetime and swimming and I speak to people there - but it doesn't seem to extend beyond that. I just don't want my kids to be the ones with billynomates - and I worry about how this lack of confidence will affect them later in life. My DS already doesn't put himself out there. My daughter is completely different and is life and soul.... I don't know.

I just want people to really think hard before they write people off. We all have our ways of dealing with things - but these can have consequences on more vulnerable people.

What I don't understand is - after my neighbour actively excluding me from coffee mornings and stuff - she then goes and buys me a present for DD3 and says to call on her if I need anything or if I needed a sleep (she has 4 children) - Its very nice of her - but I don't feel like I can call on her as her behaviour has been so ambiguous. I like to know where I am with people....

Life is so busy and stressed nowadays - I am a LP and taking care of aging parents - and what with the economy, it is just hard to find time to hold a social life together too I find....

Conversly though, Tazmo, the one pulling away might be going through tough times & not have the energy or inclination to bother, it's not always a conscious decision to pull away from people.

On a separate note, just thinking about your neighbour's coffee mornings, some groups are long standing and not open to newbies, which is fine, what I mean is don't take it too personally, it's clear she likes you but this group she invites is obviously a closed one, so try not to worry about it. You only see them because she lives next door. My friends have all sorts of different groups they socialise with without me.

I'm sorry Tazmo but you do sound a little needy; you've posted twice on this thread turning it round onto you each time and making out things have been said that haven't.

To clarify, I do give people a fair chance, but not endless chances.

I wanted to add too that in no way has me pulling back from people affected my children. I'm polite, friendly and chatty to other parents at the school but don't invest much time and effort in many of them

Findingmyself, if you read people's replies on most threads on mumsnet you'll find that most people respond by giving examples from their own situation. That's how conversations happen, people "turning things round onto them". Or do you only like to talk about yourself? Perhaps that's why people disappoint you so much. Tazmo is just giving a different perspective, that's all.