Am I alone in wanting to bother with less and less people?

[Findingmyself]

I have a core of very good friends. I'd say I have about 5 people I would call real, proper friends that I could rely on, I know them all separately from each other.

I then have a large circle of acquaintances; people I know from when I was at school myself, other mums from the school run, people I've worked with,people I speak to on online forums. Some of these acquaintances I meet up with for nights out, coffee mornings, playdates with the kids etc.

It just feels to me like all the time someone else pees me off and I add it to my list of someone not to bother with again or not to invest much in the friendship with them. I don't like to have a falling out as such, but I feel that I just let so many friendships slide because I cannot be bothered, or the person just isn't someone that I feel is someone I want to be friends with.

I've been friends (acquaintances?) with a group of 3 mums at the school for quite a while and one of them has recently started kicking off because her DD and my DD had an arguement, and being very bitchy and underhand about me, and the others have just been very lame in how they've dealt with it even though she's behaved badly, so I feel that that's yet another 3 people to strike off my 'Bothering with them' list. I haven't fallen out with any of them by any means, and I still say hello to them all if I see them and make very light small talk, but I'm always busy if they ask me to meet up, and I just can't be bothered to invest any more time in talking to them.

Then there's another friend/acquaintance who was getting extremely needy, turning up at my house all the time and phoning and wanting me to talk for hours on end. So again I've just felt I can't handle that from her and dont' want that level of dependency on me, so I've pulled back from her too. She's just tried to phone actually and I've not picked up the call. I seem to have really low tolerance for the behaviour of acquaintances or those that aren't good friends, and I don't tolerate much bad/inconsiderate/disrespectful behaviour.

What I'm saying is, am I alone in just feeling that a very small handful of people are my true friends and just keeping other people at arm's length so that I can pull back from my friendship with them if I need to? My true friends never irritate me or do anything to offend me as I know they never would as I know them so well and can be honest and upfront with them anyway. My mum always went on at me as a child that I had to get on with everyone and each time I feel like I don't want to bother with someone I have her words ringing in my ears, but my DH agrees with me and says you cannot please everyone and to pick wisely who you invest your time and energy in.

Sorry if this is rambled and doesn't make sense, I am thinking aloud really!

I could also have written the OP! I used to be a people pleaser, but the last few years has made me realise that quite a few people aren't very nice, or I just don't click with them. I have a few friends though.

If someone upsets me, I just cut them dead. Life's too short to waste on people like that. The older I get, the more I like my own company. It also gets harder to make new friends as you get older. You spend more time at home with your family, work and life gets in the way. People already have friends and aren't always looking for more.

EmmaBemma, I was meaning that Tazmo has taken it all very personally, almost as if several of us were writing our posts to get at her :-)

I agree, BunFag, I too enjoy my own company more and more as I get older, and am choosy about who I want to share my time with. I do the same as you, I just cut someone off if they really upset me. No drama, no arguments, I just stop bothering and stop instigating arrangements. I find I make new acquaintances all the time; at the school gates, in my neighbourhood, at my youngest DC's nursery, at exercise classes I go to etc, so I've never got any shortage of people to 'hang out' with. I am probably just more choosy now in terms of sorting through people, ie keeping in contact with the decent ones that I gel with, and letting any others drift.

I kind of agree with EmmaBemma OP - Tazmo was maybe taking the topic a little personally but she's obviously feeling vulnerable and I think you came across harsher than you perhaps intended...

I understand what you're saying though. As I get older I am much less of a people pleaser and, while I continue to be as nice and respectful and fun as I feel is conducive to a positive approach to life, I also have a quicker cut-off now and can't be arsed plowing energy into relationships where I feel there is less give than take or too much drama etc.

Thanks for everyone's comments. If we do want to get personal - I think what I find unhappy with Findingmyself's posting is that she is not being honest with her needy friend - who obviously sees you as a good friend who she can open her heart to - yet you're leaving her to become even needier as she's probably coming round more often because she doesn't understand what she's done wrong (in fact, what has she done wrong?). This is where I am coming from! And I've been at the receiving end of that distancing and its not very nice!

With the other 2 friends who are being non committal re your friends bitchiness etc - they probably don't want to get involved and so are trying to sit on the fence. So should you really write them off if you've been getting on with them?

I'm not saying you should be friends who are deliberately hurtful or seem to relish in peeing you off - but you sound very lucky to have as many friends/acquaintances as you do and you find it easy to do this. I hope you still have as many people to rely on in many years time.

Anyway, will take my neediness elsewhere.....

Findingmyself, that's my policy too. You don't need to be rude or make a song and dance about it, you just disengage, although the other person might think it's rude.

However, if someones a real friend, I'll basically accept them warts and all. It gets to that point when you've been good friends for ages, you just get used to the way they are.

Tazmo, at risk of being harsh here and you taking further offence, if you have been at the receiving end of distancing, maybe it's because you've behaved in a needy way. Perhaps you've wanted lots of support and not given it in return. There is no law that anyone has to listen to hours and hours of someone else's woes and problems. Have you ever actually asked anyone that has distanced themselves from you why they have done it? It is very draining and exhausting having to deal with someone that needs your support and input constantly.

Unless you've been in that situation you can't understand how draining it is. I have a husband and children and my own life to live and I simply cannot cope with someone phoning me every day and turning up at my house all the time. And it's my perogative to feel that way. As I said, I have my own life to live and I don't want to be someone's agony aunt unless they are someone that I am very close friends with, and as BunFag has said, can accept them warts and all.

And as I've said in my first post, Tazmo, I do have a circle of close friends, whom I am always there for, and I will be able to rely on them in the future I'm sure, just as they can rely on me. There is no point in trying to please everyone , and I'm not going to go that extra mile for an acquaintance as I am for a good friend.

BunfagFreddie, I am the same as you; I accept my good friends for who they are, and I think in a way I only become good friends with likeminded people who are less likely to do something to annoy me because they share the same views as me.

I don't live in U.K. for 50% of the time, when I'm over I see our family. So I don't meet my old friends much, when we DO meet though it's great.

I have some friends here both English and French . There's one english one who was very supportive when we first moved here so we still see her and her DH but the woman ONLY talks about herself and is very miserable until she has a couple of drinks, they also are at one anothers' throats all the time which annoys me. We don't have a lot in common she has "forgotten' to meet up a few times (also she moans about other people dropping her, she moans all the time about everything )!! It's different when you're in another country and I'm debating about letting our friendship drop .

I think I am more tolerant as I get older.

We used to have great gossipy bitch-fests when the DCs were little and we mums would get together and pull people to bits. Not strangers but it was a small village and everyone knew everyone else so great opportunity for gossipping etc.

Now I wouldn't slag off people as we did, I find it much easier to make allowances for people's behaviour. Though don't now waste time helping or advising those with endless problems, they never listen so it's pointless.

But friends are few and far between and I need alot in common with someone to want to spend lots of time with them. You should try to take up hobbies, go to classes Tazmo, it's much easier to meet people if you are doing something together, then the conversation just flows whereas 'making friends' is difficult if it just coffee and chat.