Hello, tis me, Mouse 
Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, it's a place of solace, support and sanctuary, but also it's also a Bus full of chatterboxes, waffling on about all sorts!
Our aim this year is to kick the WineWitch or WW into touch and get sober!
Some of the Babes on board are doing Dry January, some drink in moderation, some just drink. Some of us are sober, some of us are trying so very, very hard to be.
Some of us have been dry for days, weeks, months and some of us years...... some of us are just starting out and are scared of what stopping drinking means. It's not forever, it's just for today if that's what you want.
We have a saying on the Bus One Day At A Time. Or ODAAT
Take each moment, each day and each blip as it comes.
Although some Babes have been here a while and kind of 'know' each other, we all have different lives, different roles to play, different places to sit on the Bus, but we ALL have or have had abusive relationships with alcohol and we're here because we want that to change; for the better.
EVERYONE IS WELCOME HERE so don't be afraid to just jump right in and say hello. Post as much or as little as you like! It's all up to you.
For those who want to catch up - here is the PREVIOUS THREAD
And the first ever thread, with links to the others over the last almost 3 years! FIRST THREAD
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Mouseface · 08/01/2013 11:59
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Checking in too. Today was a bit of a flat day. I did get a fair bit done but felt a bit harried and lacking in boing. I hadn't planned a tempting meal so when the mid afternoon blues hit I was at a bit of a loss.
BUT... I gave myself a mental shake and had a snack of olives, which I don't usually eat but have been insatiably craving since I stopped drinking. I also made myself a pot of herbal tea, which I've been doing every afternoon when I hit the low point (it's by far my worst time of day, between 5 and 7pm). I've found that the tea (a herb called Damiana) stops my nagging headachey feeling and keeps the WW at bay. I felt better then and cooked a nice healthy pasta dish for dinner. DP came home and said he wanted wine - usually the signal for all my good intentions to swirl straight down the plug hole - but I said a flat no to having any so he didn't either. Later he said he fancied a glass of port and I found myself saying "well maybe I could have a glass - it isn't wine, after all..." 
I caught myself and said firmly "no, I'm not drinking during the week". I'm proud of myself for that.
I'd love to join the BB book club but I don't let myself read fiction very often because it completely consumes me - once I'm into the story I just can't leave it alone and can't stop reading it until it's finished, to the detriment of everything else. I also get really grumpy if I can't read it and have to stop to let real life, sleeping etc interfere. I've been like it since I was a child.
Isinde I loved 'When God was a rabbit'! I thought it was really beautiful, sad and funny and it made me cry a lot!
Well that's all from me, I'm tired tonight. Onwards and upwards babes. X
Thanks mia.
It was a right miseryplop of a post but I am really grateful to you for replying (and the hugs). I do know what you mean about the fog (that's exactly what it is).
I don't have reasons to carry on, I'm just feeling scared and worried I've fucked everything up.
I think I need to sit on the bus and make sure I keep posting over the next few days instead of drifting away.
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Morning all
LRD come and chat with us a bit later, we'll cheer you up. No wonder you're feeling down if you're in that cycle at the moment. How did you feel during your year off?
It is difficult to know what to tell people but really you don't have to explain yourself. Just say I don't feel like drinking today. I'm doing dry January. I like it so much I'm going to carry on. Anything like that will be enough. You may be surprised to find some of your friends joining you.
Most importantly, try not to think about it at all. It's just one day. Anyone can do one day can't they?
x
. Didn't get up in time to go swimming - I hav a defence - MonsterCat was restless and I'm still not quite sleeping properly. Cross with myself though!
east! Can you fit some other exercise into your day?
LRD don't give headspace to what others think about you not drinking. Just concentrate on not drinking today.
Resolve and love to all the BBs- kotinka how are you? Not in a head tilty prying way, I just noticed your last post was vvv supportive and hope you're feeling supported too.
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red good to have you back! I am now on Day 10 and am in awe of you doing a whole year. That alone shows you are a strong, powerful person. Sounds like you just can't see the road for the fog right now, but you will. You can and you will. There are some great new Babes on here as well as us old lags, so there is plenty of help. Stick with us, but suggest you strap yourself in as we are fairly hurtling along at the moment. Think Indie is driving 
east that is the most pathetic excuse for not exercising that I have ever heard! You are hereby demtoed to bottom of the Boot Camp class!
kot how are you feeling today?
I do cycle 4 miles to workand back each day, so don't feel completely guilty Will go to the gym tomorrow (day off) and spend some time doing 'stuff'.
To everyone that is struggling - it is really difficult. I totally understand - so so eay to just say 'sod it' or use an excuse, or just think I'll have 'one'. God, I've done it hundreds of times. Who's to say it won't happen to me tonight..tomorrow night..
It's even harder when things are rubbish or seem to be hopeless in life. Just keep on keeping on.
Rambling a bit now - I just want to say - you can all do it. I used to start drinking at 9.30am, and not stop until, well , not stop!! It was normal! Got over that but then binged for years. I've had periods of sobriety but just can't do the 'normal' drinking so have to do this.
I'm probably being very dull posting about MonsterCat and swimming and Molly's ear and suchlike but it's keeping me focussed. Anyway, please all have a good day. x Ramble over..
WARNING - LONG POST (Sorry)
Morning all. Hope everyone if feeling OK today. Sorry to not read back - this thread has gone really fast. But......
Isinde Well done on the 5lb loss! Fab!
Koti, how is your arthritis and earache this morning? LRD and Guggs I really hope you are both feeling a bit better today. Sending you both a hug (())
Clutter Thanks for the lovely hug you sent me - it helped.
Mouse I hope you and Nemo have recovered from your hospital visit today. It sounds like positive news on the whole.
Soma I often give my ExP a hug when he's struggling (and him me) but, like you, I can never go back to the chaos he caused in our lives - doesn't mean I don't care about him though.
Joey Girls! What can you do with them! My DD and my friend's DD grew up together and were always close - 'til they got to middle school. Now they seem like sworn enemies. My friend and I had a chat and decided to not get involved. It's so hard to get to the bottom of these things. Sending you some super dooper bug killing spray. I really hope a solution appears soon.
Green Thanks, Lovely, for the paracetamol and water and to Baby for saving me a seat....Unfortunately, that was just a cardboard cut out of me. 
After my birthday (thanks to all for the added birthday wishes) dinner my friend gave me, amongst other things, a bottle of Champagne. I just couldn't throw it, or give, it away. So, I did the sensible thing and drank it as Bucks Fizz - for breakfast. WW was whispering "Well, it IS your birthday present" "It IS proper Champagne" and other such shit. So, yesterday I over did things again. 
Worse still, 10 minutes before the corner shop was due to shut, I decided that the half bottle I had left wasn't going to be enough so, donned my coat and Uggs and set off on the 90 second trip to the the shop. It's pitch black round here, there are no street lights at all. On the way, I accidentally walked, sort of side on, into a picket fence (about 2 foot high) and fell, really badly, half on the fence and half on the path. It took me a few seconds to realised what had happened then a couple more to feel around to locate my purse in the dark. I got myself up and STILL went to the shop! Ffs! God only knows what I looked like. Got my wine and came home. When I looked, I had lots of cuts and bruises on the top part of my legs and knees and still had some rose thorns embedded in my skin. This morning my knee is really painful and I have marks all over my thighs and a bruise on my chest. I wasn't 'falling down' drunk but, if I hadn't had a drink I would have been more sensible and maybe taken the time to find a torch - and not needed to go to the shop in the first place. I dread to think what would have happened if I had hit my head instead of my knee. Nobody would have found me, probably, until this morning as it really is impossible to see anything at night and with the sharp frost we had.......? So, my children would have been left in the house by themselves and my DD, who was in bed but not asleep, would have been worried/scared to bits and would have had to make decisions that an 11 year old shouldn't have to - should she call her DF or the police or come out and look for me? Or maybe, she would have just gone to sleep and not realised I wasn't home. And do you know another really stupid thing? I didn't even drink the wine - I didn't even finish the bottle I had already got in the fridge - so, it was all for nothing.
This morning, my knee is really painful and I will have to try and hide the cuts and bruises from DC to avoid difficult questions. Each time I use the stairs or change gear the knee is giving me a lot of pain and I am thinking "Good! It serves you fucking right!!" I'm sure nothing is broken, just badly bruised. Yet another narrow escape. I can't afford this any more, my luck will run out and something awful and irreversible will happen. I can't quite believe it was me that got to 7 weeks sober.
I have thrown the wine down the sink this morning - even the full, unopened bottle - which is something I have never been able to do before. Christmas is over, my birthday is over. No more excuses. I've let my children down and myself and maybe even you Babes and I'm sorry.
Day 1
I will not drink today.
So many pages to catch up on! So that's another hour of work I haven't done [eek!]
I'm sort of laughing at the wine-witch - she who pretends to be so huge and scary and insurmountable, but in actually fact, with the right approach, she can be obliterated with a handful of olives. Not so scary now, huh?
isindie lovely to see you around. Doesn't matter whether you screeched in by the skin of your teeth yesterday - there are no degrees of soberness - yesterday you WERE sober. End of
east I think that one important thing is to remember that not going swimming is just an isolated event, and not to let it affect your view of the day, or your motivation. I find that it is very easy to have great intentions, and then because the first one doesn't go right, to give up on all the rest. So just because I haven't got started on a tough report by 10am this morning (and yes I do blame this bus for that 
), doesn't mean I can't start on it later... [pep talk to self].
isindie your dt clearly know more about the correct use of "actually" than I do
purple What a nightmare :( Don't beat yourself up too much - easy to say I know. Bloody ww. It really does get under the skin. That awful feeling of 'oh god,I can't run out...must get more...' Awful feeling. I don't really know what to say, just that I've done that before - left them alone to get 'more' - like it's the most important thing in the world. Do you need to see a doctor about your knee? Bloody well done for chucking it all away though
Thinking of you.
venusandmars I know - just cross with myself - I was so organised for it . Never mind. Onwards and upwards !
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Day 6, a small Boing (more of a hop really)
east you know ma can't demote you to the botom of Boot Camp because I am always at the bottom
LRD oh hen >> I don't know if this makes sense, but I am terrified I am too lazy and useless at motivating myself to be employable, and I feel that it's related to the drinking. I am really scared that I'm sabotaging my chances of getting anywhere. >>
this sounds horribly familiar to me. I keep feeling panicked at work and scared of trying new things. as a result my boss gives me warnings that my work isn't up to scratch. and then I go home and drink to blot out the awful scarey feelings. I have no motivation/energy/enthusiasm (its not the job, its actually a great job) but I feel panicked at the thought of being asked to do something and thinking I can't do it.
Hmmm thats no help to you is it. My advice would just be to focus on yourself and your sobriety, don't worry about what other people think - most of the time people are so wrapped up in themselves they barely notice if someone isn't drinking.
LRD your post last night really struck a chord with me - so many echoes of myself: drinking during the day, missing deadlines, sabotaging myself, feeling negative and scared, and deep down thinking that I just wasn't good enough. That thinking pervaded everything I did and became such an awful cycle. A belief that I was lazy, and untalented, and that I didn't deserve any of the good things that did happen; a belief that if things were going OK it was only some lucky freak, and that one day, sooner or later, I'd be found out... (for what, I don't know); a belief that rather than the fear and shame of being found out, it would be better to sabotage myself - by drinking, by procrastinating, by refusing opportunities that might have been good - this was usually followed by a panicked scrabble to save the day, and cover my ineptitude (including lying about the truth and making up excuses for my lateness ); a belief that if I did appear to be doing a good job it was only because I knew how the system worked, and not because I had any real talent or ability; a belief that if the people I worked for couldn't see how lazy and useless I really was, then they too were somehow failed and useless; a cyclical belief that since I was useless and a failure then I might as well get drunk / that since I was a drunken alcoholic that proved I was useless and a failure; and a belief that somehow, despite the ridiculous amounts that I was drinking, I was still a high functioning alcoholic. What a farce.
The truth was that I had an alcoholic habit and I was barely functioning. I set standards for myself (and others) that weren't possible to sustain, and which therefore made me feel worthless. I was so scared of other people's negative opinions, or of 'failing' that I deliberately opted out or tripped myself up.
Of course the whole negative thinking, not feeling good enough, stuff is a big, big can of worms. But the single best thing that I did to help was to see the truly awful part that my drinking was having in that downward cycle, and also seeing how the false thinking and self-sabotage encouraged my drinking. And learning to be much gentler with myself, and liking myself.
Apologies for long introspective.
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