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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Illicit relationships

26 replies

cheapskatemum · 08/01/2013 11:14

Can I be nosey & ask if you've ever had one? Why was it taboo? How did it start/progress/end? How do/did you feel about it all? Was it/is it worth it? Not some elaborate thesis I'm researching, just a slippery slope I'm on, trying to find the wherewithall to get off & yes, I'll tell you all about it, just got to work out how to name change first.

OP posts:
tzella · 08/01/2013 11:18

Affaits, you mean?

tzella · 08/01/2013 11:18

AFFAIRS DAMMIT

Paleblueeyes · 08/01/2013 11:31

I did, with my teacher. We are married and have been together 18 years. It obviously should never have happened, but it's a bit late now. He was 31 and I was 16. I had just left school when our relationship began. It was a very awkward situation for quite a while and even now I don't mention to people how DH and I met as he is still teaching and I don't want people to think badly of him.

Paleblueeyes · 08/01/2013 11:31

I did, with my teacher. We are married and have been together 18 years. It obviously should never have happened, but it's a bit late now. He was 31 and I was 16. I had just left school when our relationship began. It was a very awkward situation for quite a while and even now I don't mention to people how DH and I met as he is still teaching and I don't want people to think badly of him.

Paleblueeyes · 08/01/2013 11:32

Sorry. Didn't think it had posted.

cheapskatemum · 08/01/2013 11:34

Well, affairs would be the obvious one, but as Paleblueeyes has shown, there are more taboos than the fact that 1, or both of you, are married.

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 08/01/2013 11:40

Thanks, PBE, that's exactly the sort of thing I meant & I'd rather see it twice than not at all!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2013 11:43

Yes. And my advice would be that unless you can maintain an enormous amount of both emotional and geographical detachment, you should avoid the illicit relationship like the very devil. Don't shit on your own doorstep and don't 'fall in love'.

Stanleythesongfulseahorse · 08/01/2013 12:17

I would agree with Cogito. I think I was very lucky that it worked out okay for me and nobody got damaged.

Stanleythesongfulseahorse · 08/01/2013 12:20

Sorry... I had an affair with someone about ten years ago. We both agreed to end it before it got messy.

mrseverythingeverything · 08/01/2013 12:46

Love Cogito's terminology. Church minister has recently become available. We have been good friends for a few years due to similar interests. He is lovely, sexy - how do you stop yourself falling in love? It's like not pushing when you're in final stages of labour.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2013 12:53

You mean he's available and you're not?.... Bad, bad, bad idea especially if you're the falling in love type. 'In love' makes people vulnerable, irrational, impulsive and prone to mistakes .... the things you cannot afford to be if you are planning on being a cheat or even an OW.

mrseverythingeverything · 08/01/2013 13:05

Yes, I am Mrs EE. I know it's a badx3 idea, even though I am not the falling in love type. So how do I stop it?

Dahlen · 08/01/2013 13:08

Avoid situations where he'll be present and make sure you're never alone with him. Think about the fall out if you got together. The scandal would rock his world and possibly finish his career, even in 2013. If you genuinely care for him, you wouldn't want to expose him to that. And that's not even thinking about the fallout in your own life.

BelleoftheFall · 08/01/2013 13:11

I had one many years ago. It was exciting and filled my head and was generally thrilling...until it all went wrong. Then I felt dread and worry and my thoughts were still consumed by it, only now all of the exciting positive feelings completely flipped. It "turned" very quickly.

It wasn't an affair btw. But it was still something that shouldn't have happened and in my experience you repent at leisure a lot of the time when it comes to illicit relationships. They burn hard and fast.

mrseverythingeverything · 08/01/2013 13:12

He has finished that career. That happened when he left his (abusive) marriage.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2013 13:14

"So how do I stop it? "

Recognise it for what it is... a crush... and then reroute your life as suggested above. OR.... end your marriage and pursue Mr Hot Vicar with a clean conscience. A half-way house with someone so close to home will only end up with you looking like a fool, filling the mouths of gossips and upsetting your family.

TeaBrick · 08/01/2013 13:16

Yes, and I am still affected by it years later (and so are the other people who were hurt by my actions).

Dryjuice25 · 08/01/2013 13:17

Yes. With Ex. Partner badly hurt but took me back....but never to be trusted by him again. Well I was in a bad place because of him! No remorse however, so flame me please.

Didn't love the ex though, just physical and that was clear from the beginning. We are just friends now

Dahlen · 08/01/2013 13:21

Oh dear, I suspect you're already halfway towards having an affair if you're coming up with counter arguments to the reasons why you shouldn't go further with this.

I'm not judging how you feel. Falling in love is a wonderful feeling and can be all-consuming. It's very, very hard to deny yourself that, especially if your own marriage is far below satisfactory.

However, in my case I hung on to my sense of self. I knew that once the headiness had faded (which it always does, even in cases of the 'real thing'), I would be left to confront my own behaviour and motives, and liking the person I saw in the mirror every day was more important to me than hot sex or butterflies. I would find losing the object of my affections much less painful than losing my self-respect and integrity. Plus I'd be damned if I'd let any man have such an effect on me that I would behave so completely out of character.

Ultimately, whether you do or don't, it's a choice. I'm not saying it's an easy one, but it is a choice. You can't excuse it with statements like "I fell in love, I couldn't help it, it just happened" because they are all excuses and something you have a lot more power over than you think - you just have to choose to exercise it.

If your marriage is that dull, call it a day or work on improving it. Sometimes the potential for an affair can be a good thing because it encourages us to realise that we only have one life and it's too short to waste in a half-dead marriage. But the solution is leaving or improving, not having an affair.

Smale · 08/01/2013 14:27

Yes, they were single I wasn't, but it was their job that was potentially at risk should it have gone wrong.

Fortunately due to circumstances it fizzled out very quickly, within 3 weeks of the first text. Unfortunately it's finished in a way that leaves it open to restart as soon as the circumstances change.

The whole thing has completely fucked with my head despite me not falling in love - keep well away OP, these things rarely end well.

Apocalypto · 08/01/2013 14:31

Dahlen wrote

Falling in love is a wonderful feeling

Falling in love is also a wonderful pretext for giving yourself permission to do absolutely whatever the fuck you like, because you had no choice. You was in love, innit?

It's exactly like men saying they only hit their wives involuntarily when drunk. It's still DV, however, not booze, because they knew perfectly that could happen, but they still got drunk.

The way to deal with illicit affairs is to tell yourself you're just the type of person who has illicit affairs, and live with that. And if you can't, don't.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2013 14:54

It's nothing like hitting wives involuntarily when drunk!!! Love, lust, a crush, a pash, or whatever you call it is nothing more than an emotion.... it can go on perfectly innocently from afar and never result in anything at all.

mrseverythingeverything · 08/01/2013 15:08

Great advice Cogito & Dahlen, I can relate to it all and it dovetails with the Bible's teaching on temptation: resist it, run away from it; the fact that it attacks our weak spots, but God always gives us a way out. Also, the advice Paul gives to husbands & wives. So, now to put it into action, having spent the best part of a day naval-gazing.

Belle & Teabrick - there but for your salutary experiences go I, thank you for sharing them. Dryjuice, I'm glad you are both still friends. That would be my best possible outcome.

"Mr Hot Vicar" raised a giggle, btw.

mrseverythingeverything · 08/01/2013 15:11

Thanks also Smale - cross post because the above took a while to bash out

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