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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

making the decision to leave H

17 replies

NoraLuca · 07/01/2013 22:03

I have posted a few threads under various names over the last several years. Every time, I have been told by a majority of posters to leave H. I still haven't. I am getting closer to leaving, have visited houses to rent but just didn't get as far as signing the lease. I will, one day.

Yesterday I did the ironing and he kicked the piles of folded clothes and sent them flying and said 'well, you'll have to do that all again, won't you, you fucking bitch.' He gets angry because he doesn't think I do enough cleaning and ironing and stuff. I didn't do the ironing over again, I left it on the floor and went out with the DC and when I came home he'd put everything away. He thinks that makes everything OK, but it does not, he shouldn't have done it in the first place.

He always calls me awful names because he says that I don't listen to him and don't respect him or do what he says. He is angry because I went on works night out before Christmas until 3 a.m and ignored him telling me not to go. 3 a.m is late but we are not in UK and it is usual here to stay out until 6 - 7 a.m. I was the first to go home and even then boss was asking me why I had to go already. I do not go out often - have been out in the evening four times last year, and most times I was back around 12ish and never drunk. He says he is going to make my life hell for being a dirty w and this scares me a bit. He is not violent though he makes threats and sometimes shoves me out of the way if I don't move quickly enough.

I do want to talk with him but it is difficult, even when he is in a good mood he will not listen to me. He wants me to do what he says, but it is not possible to discuss or reach compromise with him. The problem is I always think he may have a point - perhaps I really am lazy and all the rest things he says.

I don't know what I'm posting for really. Just want to tell someone, even though in RL I don't dare tell anyone half the things I've written here.

OP posts:
susanann · 07/01/2013 22:08

Im sure youre not lazy etc. He has just said it so many times to you that you believe it. He treats you really badly. You say you have thought about leaving him but now you must take action. Your DCs can see the way he treats you, they will think that his behaviour is normal. Please get out.

foolonthehill · 07/01/2013 22:09

Write it, read it back and believe that you don't have to be a human punch bag to be in an abusive relationship.

hope you find the strength to believe in yourself.

talking to him won't make him see your point. often it is better to take a step back from him and to observe then you will be able to see his behaviour without wondering about yours.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?"...a great eye opener, and compassionate one at that,

there are also some good links at the top of this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1633756-Support-thread-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-14 if internet is easier.

All good wishes.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 07/01/2013 22:13

he is being physically violent by shoving you out of the way... it may not seem like much (ie you're not a punching bag) but violence is violence.

please leave him. that is not a good relationship

NorksAreMessy · 07/01/2013 22:15

How can we help you?

TisILeclerc · 07/01/2013 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TisILeclerc · 07/01/2013 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allergictoironing · 07/01/2013 23:09

I do want to talk with him but it is difficult, even when he is in a good mood he will not listen to me. He wants me to do what he says, but it is not possible to discuss or reach compromise with him. The problem is I always think he may have a point - perhaps I really am lazy and all the rest things he says.

This sums it all up for me. What he thinks is all that matters to him, of course there's no point in trying to discuss anything or even think the word compromise because he is a self-entitled prick who doesn't see why he shouldn't get his way in everything.

You obviously work, and I could almost lay money on you being expected to do ALL the cleaning, cooking, ironing etc. And however hard you try you will never be able to live up to his exacting standards on that front because NOTHING will be good enough, he'll just change the goal posts. Think about what he did to the ironing - he actually sabotaged the work you'd done for no reason other than so he could upset you & try to make you slave even more.

Regarding you being lazy, add up how much true leisure time you have and how much he has. And by that I mean time to yourself with no work, no housework and no responsibility for DCs either. then consider who's the lazy one....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/01/2013 23:17

Tell someone in RL. I think you need to get the truth out in the open if you're ever going to do anything about it. Your GP, Womens Aid, anyone at all. You don't need anyone on this board to tell you he's violent or abusive but I don't think you realise that continuing to keep his secret for him only protects him and harms you.

PartTimeModel · 07/01/2013 23:21

What do you hope to achieve by talking to someone who has made it very clear he won't listen and isn't interested in what you have to say?

There is no point in talking with this person.

I have just split from my P. one of my main issues was communication on every level. Discussing anything with him was very difficult if not impossible. Yet i was often subject to abusive language, and lectures. Yawn! Over Xmas I had a moment of such clarity - I didn't have to discuss anything. I told him the relationship was over very matter of fact and that was that. No arguments, no abuse, no imploring. I had nothing to say and no rush to do anything or try and fix it or make it work. I felt so calm - it was over.

HappyNewHissy · 07/01/2013 23:47

Darling you sound so worn down. :(

You are about to take the best decision in your life, to free yourself of this terrible man.

Not one singhle woman has EVER regretted leaving a man like your H.

You're not in the UK, so won't have WA etc, but you'll need every ounce of support you can get.

I'm here for you as are the rest of us, we'll hold your hand on this thread, or any other until you get away from this horrid excuse for a human being.

He calls you names, he kicks your fucking ironing Ffs? How contemptuous he is.

Do you have a friend there that you could speak to?

Let us know whenever you need anything?
I've been where you are and worse, but now I'm so happy I could explode! All this in less than 2 years. I wish all this and more for you. It will come, just be a teeny bit braver and follow through.
(((hug)))

NoraLuca · 08/01/2013 11:13

Thank you all for your messages - I have had a look at the emotional abuse thread and can identify with so much of what has been said there.

I don't know what I want, I just wanted to talk about it. I go to work and seem all happy smiley all the time, nobody would ever know.

I think that I do need to tell someone in RL, but I don't know who. I have told my friends that I'm not happy with H but haven't gone into the details of it.

OP posts:
LemonDrizzled · 08/01/2013 11:21

Another escapee from the EA support thread here. I lived with my EA H for 28 years until I was forced to confront my own unhappiness and deal with it. When I tried to talk to RL friends I found a high proportion of them stuck their metaphorical fingers in their ears and didn't want to hear me. I think it's quite challenging for long married friends who may not be that happy themselves to see someone else giving up and leaving. They may have worried it was infectious. I found a small group of friends who were prepared to listen and hold my hand through the whole horrid process, and now life is lovely!! Like Hissy I have never been happier!
Keep talking to us. We know what it is like.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2013 13:31

Don't you have one really good friend you can trust that you can spill your guts over a Wine or six? Failing that, professionally disinterested types like GPs or even a priest can be a good way to offload....

PileOfSheet · 08/01/2013 16:15

What a horrible human being this man is. The sooner you get away from his abuse the better!

HappyNewHissy · 08/01/2013 17:24

Nora, why not post on the EA thread?

Is there a DV support group in your country? Cogito makes good suggestions too! as usual! :)

Oh Lemon, I got that too, the people round here think they'll catch Single if they are too involved with me. (Small village mentality) I'm alone in RL most of the time, barring people at work, have one or 2 'mums' I know, but otherwise that is it. Having been so isolated, and so terribly, terribly alone while I was with Ex, it's OK, I can handle it. I have great long distance friends, ones I would move heaven and earth for, as they supported me when I needed it.

We can support you 24 hours a day Nora if that is what you need, that's the beauty of MN, there is always someone posting!

Stick with us chuck, we'll get you there!

NoraLuca · 11/01/2013 21:39

Smile have just posted on the emotional abuse thread. Well not Smile , really, but you know what I mean!

OP posts:
HappyNewHissy · 11/01/2013 21:48

It'll be :-) soon, promise!

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