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Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

(1000 Posts)
foolonthehill Mon 10-Dec-12 21:15:36

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans – He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!


Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out – You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change…please don’t give him the link…print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

foolonthehill Mon 10-Dec-12 21:15:56

OK here it is: Number 14.

TisILeclerc Mon 10-Dec-12 21:20:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foolonthehill Mon 10-Dec-12 21:29:15

can they all have choice? I wish they all could. It will be very difficult for them to see mummy come for DD1 and then drive off.

If the others must stay is there a way she could get into a taxi for the first bit of the journey even if it's just 1 mile? I can't imagine the fall out from having to leave with only one DC unless they are all desperate to stay there.

This is a genuine question because mine are all smaller but in law DD1 would have choice DS would have less (yet he is only one year younger, DD2 probablly none and yet she is only 15 months younger than him,and so on(,....don't faint...they are all very close in age...body still recovering).

CharlotteCollinsislost Mon 10-Dec-12 21:31:13

<mutters> I've only been feeling guilty the whole thread about taking fool's place... and then that!

It's ok, LeClerc, I realised it was a hilarious typo. No hard feelings. wink

foolonthehill Mon 10-Dec-12 21:35:21

Budges up ...room for many more in my place Charlotte...I took over from HotDAMN in her previous incarnation and someone will need to live on long after me.....

a word to the wise: copy and paste and SAVE the doc. saves a lot of time and you can edit and add as new things are published.

TisILeclerc Mon 10-Dec-12 21:35:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TisILeclerc Mon 10-Dec-12 21:37:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foolonthehill Mon 10-Dec-12 21:39:34

On that note "The Loser" used to be on the thread opener along with a few others which became unavailable over time...please make suggestions to keep the articles relevant and fresh. And if you find a better version...let me know and i will save it onto the original for next time.

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

foolonthehill Mon 10-Dec-12 21:43:47

leclerc
well looks like you know DD2's likely position, and DS1 needs you to make the decision for him (DS2's with you I take it?) he is the one I would worry about if you came to the door, if you arranged for PIL to bring DD1 to motorway (entirely reasonable and safe for her) would FW muscle in and insist on doing it?

TisILeclerc Mon 10-Dec-12 21:51:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TryBreatheFly Mon 10-Dec-12 22:05:09

Thanks for new thread thanks <marking place, am coming back later>

foolonthehill Mon 10-Dec-12 22:08:24

That sounds like a good interim plan Leclerc.

TisILeclerc Mon 10-Dec-12 22:18:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TisILeclerc Mon 10-Dec-12 22:49:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessFionne Mon 10-Dec-12 22:55:05

hoping absence of Pony means DS well and she went out!! yay!

Many ta's fool for granting of wish no no definitely not command I got completely lost trying to find the thread again when the last one closed for posting (rubbish techy-wise) hmm

Thought typo hilarious Leclerc, as had been intrigued about the 'scum' at the beginning of last thread - was heading off to look when saw the updated posting and, good giggle. Not another word on that from me, promise. wink

hmm difficult xmas plans to juggle. As you were detailing the problem I was wanting to say that you would just go part way through their stay and see who wanted to come back as DC wanting to, but yes envisaged nasty scene ensuing with DC caught in middle. Distance makes it all so much harder to manage. You do it very well, no need to rush it tho no matter what pressure brought to bear wink I'd be tempted to let them decide when they've had enough of him, if he's being FW with them its time to come home? (and as you wouldn't do a 2nd journey they'd all have to come) - mmm. leave that to my betters and wiser ones

too tired, and have xmas worries of own [fhappyxmas] f not meaning 'festive' here

TisILeclerc Mon 10-Dec-12 23:08:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessFionne Mon 10-Dec-12 23:13:08

oh dear sad that so wasn't what I meant Leclerc sorry if that sounded like that. no apologies please, I rather meant I was just feeling too pathetic to proffer worthy things in your difficutl situation.

PrincessFionne Mon 10-Dec-12 23:18:07

Managing this alone at times gets me down is all, and Xmas is just the plum on the pudding right now. So gonna take my miserable arse off to bed and feel better in the morning. Do hope you find the way for all your lovelies (and meant to say what a brilliant job you did being a rock for your DS whilst he unravelled at you!).

TryBreatheFly Mon 10-Dec-12 23:22:28

Hi all. Christmas, eh.. even when it's going well it makes me feel so sad about what's around the corner.

I've found two very good contenders for flats to move to in new year. Also am wondering about friend's house (catchment area one). As things have been delayed by ill health and other flat falling through, should I hang out for this one (Aprilish but many a slip twixt cup and lip). Should I continue living separately under same roof (slightly easier than it sounds due to layout) in meantime? Should I do a runner to my mum's when kids break up and refuse to come back till family home is vacated? Hmmm.

TryBreatheFly Mon 10-Dec-12 23:25:58

Fi and leclerc wine I guess the reason we find Xmas hard is because we care and put our LOs first. I'm guessing it means FA to the FWs apart from ripe opportunity to manipulate sad

Silver, how's your artist in residence getting on in our Commune? Have we inspired her wink Maybe her next work of art should be a Consequences style FW portrait with input from all of us grin

TryBreatheFly Mon 10-Dec-12 23:27:30

PS Pony hope you're having a great night out smile

CharlotteCollinsislost Mon 10-Dec-12 23:53:44

Fly - decisions, decisions! Can't help you, really, but am glad that you have too many choices and not too few!

Leclerc, your ds's meltdown sounded sadly similar to things my ds (same age) says to me. I do worry about him; I feel so guilty because I was away from him for over half of the time he was 2yo, which I've just written about in an absurdly long post on this thread. (In case anyone's interested, although please don't feel you have to be!) It's such a vulnerable age. I feel for your ds, and for Bertie's over Xmas when he won't be able to go to mummy in the night for a while. FW is still on about taking ds away on this trip in February, even though he doesn't want to go. It's all such a worry!

I should go to bed, though - it'll still be there to worry about in the morning!!

MaggieMay05 Tue 11-Dec-12 00:47:29

Thanks for new thread Fool Hi to all lovely ladies...just checking in, back again tomorrow...drained today...FWs day off work...ugghh. And I am really getting pied off with this bloody sofa sleeping now! I just want a bed I can sleep in without threat of FW! Roll on new year confused

Darkesteyes Tue 11-Dec-12 00:57:29

I dont know if im in an emotionally abusive relationship DH is more of a practical man. He would not see me go without financially but has not slept with me or touched me for 16 and a half years. There are no hugs and no affection. Because its been so long i no longer want that from him. I cant just switch feelings on like a tap when they have gone.
We have been together for nearly 21 years. I had an affair for 4 and a half years between 2003 and early 2008.
I soo miss having some affection in my life. For the past week all ive been doing is crying and having trouble sleeping and i am off my food. I usually LOVE Christmas but this year i just want it to be over.

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