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Original poster

Would you hire a private investigator if you suspected your DH of infidelity?

26 replies

wonderingwife · 12/01/2004 21:11

I am considering this, but have no idea (a) how to find one or (b) if I could begin to afford one. Have any of you been in the unhappy position of having to hire one? DH is in London area, on his own for a stretch & talking about making a little European holiday solo. I wouldn't normally think much of it, but he got defensive when I tried to talk to him about the trip. And of course, when the cat's away and all that. . .Plus, other odd things have made me wonder.

I've changed my name, by the way.

OP posts:
zebra · 12/01/2004 21:14

I might do, yes.

BekkiKay · 12/01/2004 21:16

Without a second thought. Yes.

BekkiKay · 12/01/2004 21:17

If you're in the London area then you should have no problems. Look in the yellow pages. Don't laugh its true-they have to advertise.

codswallop · 12/01/2004 21:17

yes - sounds like my MIL
have you checked his phone?

popsycal · 12/01/2004 21:18

You see I wouldn't.
But I would dig deeper myself.....

BekkiKay · 12/01/2004 21:20

I'm curious, why wouldn't you?

Festivefly · 12/01/2004 21:22

No, i wouldn't, i am not sure if my x had an affair because i thought he was, or he was, anyway tightening the leash was a huge mistake. But i'm not the best person to give advice as i didn't know what the hell to do

lavender1 · 12/01/2004 21:22

wonderingwife (alias) I understand your concern, really...but when I ask my dh questions and he is in the martians going into their cave ("Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus", ie. has had a long day talking in the office all day, he is very secretive and hates it when I pry, he just wants to be left alone...You didn't say what time of day, or part of the week you asked him?...my dh is very private with me and I've been with him for nearly 16 years..

Wasn't trying to dismiss your anxieties here at all, but is he always secretive and what other odd things..sorry to ask but could be more help if had a bigger picture (not being intrusive, just concerned!)

WSM · 12/01/2004 21:23

I wouldn't initially, but I would 'do a popsycal' and delve deeper myself. If I found that I had real grounds for my suspicions then I would.

For what it's worth, I hope you are wrong.

popsycal · 12/01/2004 21:26

Firstly i coudln't really afford it, and woudln't spend money on circumstantial evidnece - but would look into it, ask all his friends who are rubbish liars
scour his pockets as he is so lazy and can't lie for toffee
but that's just my dh...

aloha · 12/01/2004 21:27

It does sound suspicious to me - but equally I could be completely wrong. If he wasn't and he found out, he'd be very angry and upset, but then again... I really don't know. Can you do a bit of snooping on your own?

codswallop · 12/01/2004 21:30

would he find out?

Pity you cant hire DL to creep about - sure hed be cheaper!

GeorginaA · 12/01/2004 21:48

Sorry, I'm bored this evening obviously, and thought I'd do some detective work of my own.

Just did an internet search - seems like you'd be looking at £35 an hour plus expenses for surveillance. Assuming it'd take several days to either reassure yourself or discover your worse fears and you're going to be severely out of pocket.

Agree that doing some snooping on your own might be a better idea.

Festivefly · 12/01/2004 21:50

what if your wrong, i would freak if a man did that to me

lavender1 · 12/01/2004 21:53

sorry ww, i read your message but didn't read it iykwim, the holiday alone sounds dodgy, does he normally do this?

philippat · 12/01/2004 22:07

oh, awful deja view with Bugsy (I do hope she's doing OK btw).

I'll say what I said to her - first you need to work out in your head what you'd do if you found he WAS having an affair. If you'd forgive, is it worth risking it?

fio2 · 13/01/2004 08:44

agree with phillipat. But also what would you do if he wasnt having an affair and you had had him followed. You would feel incredibly guilty and if he ever found out ie would be a betrayl of trust. Please just talk to him or delve deeper yourself.

My dads girlfriend at the time had him followed and yes he was having an affair. His g/f was pregnant at the time - so not very nice. But then again my Dad is a t**r.

motherinferior · 13/01/2004 09:22

I'd snoop first. Also I'd suggest, brightly, that Darling what a lovely idea, of course I'd love to come to Europe with you, just us how lovely, don't worry about childcare I can sort that out NO problem...and see what he did.

Original poster
wonderingwife · 13/01/2004 14:37

Thanks for your responses. I appreciate the variety of points of views. (And I, too, have Bugsy in the back of my mind.)

To give a bit more background info as requested. . .

1)Dh & I have had a poor sex life from the beginning. He seems to have no sex drive, though always hid behind one excuse or another, promising that "things will get better." But after 10 yrs they are worse. Isn't it common knowledge that men can't go very long without "release" of some sort? Where is this release coming from?
2) Dh, who is not really a man's man but has loads of other good qualities, sometimes gives people the impression that he might be gay. I don't think he is. He (occasionally) looks at porn and it is fairly standard porn depicting women. But I don't want to be the kind of woman who is blind to unpleasant possibilities, so I want to face this one head on and don't know how else to find out. (Talking about this possibility only raises his hackles, as you can imagine.)
3) If I found out he was having an affair, I wouldn't even be that hurt; I would just leave him & feel justified in doing so. I am already hurt by years of feeling physically rejected; finding out an affair(s) is behind the rejection would merely solve a riddle--and that, for me, would be a positive thing.
4) For those of you who will suggest counselling, DH has just begun therapy. Though I had been suggesting therapy for years, he has only begun to admit he has a sexual problem of some sort. We can't do couples counseling unfortunately because I am 3,000 miles away on a temporary work thing, though perhaps we can start that up when I return in a few months.

I have a feeling not many of you will be able to quite identify with my unusual circumstances, but I appreciate the continued feedback just the same.

OP posts:
fio2 · 13/01/2004 14:40

WW do you love him? Sorry just had to ask because you said it wouldnt bother you if you found out about his affair it would just be over. Or do you just feel unloved yourself and fell you deserve better?

Original poster
wonderingwife · 13/01/2004 14:51

fio2--I love him, but it's perhaps not a passionate love, and it's not a possessive love either. I value truth very highly and would be more upset by the deceit than by the act of cheating. But perhaps that shows that I don't love him in quite the "right" way, IFSWIM. And, yes, I feel resentful that most of my 20s & early 30s were spent in a fairly celibate state. I don't know that I deserve or could even find "better," but it has left me feeling unloved even if lack of sex has nothing to do with lack of love.

OP posts:
M2T · 13/01/2004 14:55

WW - I personally wouldn't get a PI.... I'm far too nosey myself and would snoop further.

Secondly - I can't remember who posted about men needing a release, but that is just not true. My DH has a very low sex drive. And we can go months at a time with no sex. Always has been like that although much worse since ds was born. Men can lose their sex drive just like women. So please don't look at that as an indicator of him being unfaithful. He may also me masturbating without your knowledge..... I know my DH does that too.

Can you snoop further? Check his mobile/PC, home phone bill?

Is there someone i particular you suspect him to be having an affair with?? It really is a horrible situation to be in. I'm so sorry its come to this for you.
But you may be wrong. Then what? Do you want to stay with him?

fio2 · 13/01/2004 15:00

I do know what you mean ww.

Twinkie · 13/01/2004 15:05

I don't know that I deserve or could even find "better," but it has left me feeling unloved even if lack of sex has nothing to do with lack of love.

Please don't say that about yourself - everyone deserves better than what you are putting up with!!

motherinferior · 13/01/2004 16:21

But please don't blame yourself for his low sex drive. It is difficult, I know from previous partners; but it may well be that he just isn't that keen on sex per se, not that he isn't keen on you. However, I can completely understand how rejected and bewildered you must be feeling.

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