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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP's found out about my friendship

44 replies

computersaysno · 18/04/2006 22:42

DP has tonight found out that I am friends with a man, he thinks its more than it is and wants to leave me and our kids, my 6 year old is very upset as she was there when he found the texts on my mobile as I had arranged to meet him this Friday.

Am so scared and just don't know what to do. He's got DD into our bed to calm her down.

OP posts:
rummum · 18/04/2006 22:44

who is the guy... how did you meet him?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/04/2006 22:46

Why have you kept it secret from him? Im assuming that you have based on your brief OP.....

Original poster
computersaysno · 18/04/2006 22:46

Known him since I was 14, our kids go to the same school, struck up a friendship last summer but thats all, didn't tell DP as he is very possessive and can be quite violent and we were only friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
computersaysno · 18/04/2006 22:48

Don't want him to leave but he is thinking the worst and it does look bad but it really isn't.

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/04/2006 22:51

I agree - it does look bad. I dont know what to say to you except that now is your opportunity to be totally and utterly open with your DP. He deserves it.

Show him all texts and emails etc to show him there is nothing more going on than friendship. Explain why you kept it a secret and, make a promise that it wont happen again - and mean it.

If i were you, adn i valued my DP, i would drop this "friend" and work on my relationship.

Original poster
computersaysno · 18/04/2006 22:53

I have been trying but he keeps texting me, thanks for your advice I want to keep my family together but think there is a very slim chance I will.

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Original poster
computersaysno · 18/04/2006 22:55

He's a brilliant dad, I just cannot imagine my kids being able to cope without him, or me for that matter......Sad

I know that I have ruined my life and theirs but there is nothing I can do.

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SleepyJess · 18/04/2006 23:06

CSN if there is really really nothing to your relationship with this bloke than friendship, then you can't allow your proper relationship with DP to be over because of it! Are you sure there wasn't more going on (even just in your head(s))than you were acting on? Or perhaps it became a guilty issue because of the secrecy you imposed upon it. I suppose you must have known from the outset that this could be the outcome with DP if your 'friendship' was discovered.. and yet you carried on seeing your friend.

Just a thought, but maybe you need to get stuff straighter in your head first before you can try to properly convince DP that you want him and only him..

No offence intended

SJ x

Original poster
computersaysno · 18/04/2006 23:15

No offence taken sleepyjess.

We are just friends, I like him because I have known him a long time but I love DP and he's the one for me, well thats the way I feel. I know I have ruined everything and am totally at a loss what to do now.

DP is so angry with me, but at least he's here and the kids have settled down now. Am sleeping in bed with DS tonight as DP is with DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
computersaysno · 18/04/2006 23:17

Just feel so stupid.....and feel like I have let DP down so much, I have hurt him so much because I have lied to him, just wonder where we are going to go from here as all the trust has gone now.

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Original poster
computersaysno · 18/04/2006 23:19

Thanks everyone anyway.

OP posts:
SleepyJess · 18/04/2006 23:22

I know lying by ommission is still seen a lying.. but is it really as bad as you think? You have not been having a romantic relationship with anyone but him.. you have not been snogging anyone else.. much less sleeping with anyone else! DP's 'hurt' is mainly due to what he thinks has happened.. not what has!

Can you appeal to DP along the lines of 'I know what you think.. and I know how this looks... but if we are going to split up, then please let it be over something that has genuinely happened rather than something you think has happened!"

LadySherlockofLGJ · 18/04/2006 23:23

What part of the country are you in, can any MNer help even by meeting you for a coffee. ??

lemonstartree · 18/04/2006 23:41

What do you mean by 'he can be quite violent'? to you ?

bluesky · 19/04/2006 09:26

it depends what he read on the texts, were they completely innocent, or were there x's splattered here and there?

Good luck

daisy1999 · 19/04/2006 09:32

Put yourself in dh shoes - if this was me I would feel betrayed whether you'd slept with him or not. Intimacy doesn't have to be physical.
If there's nothing going on drop this friend immediately - your relationship with your husband is far more important. You need to be completely open and honest with him and show him all the texts. Good luck

Bibliophile · 19/04/2006 09:37

He's violent and you are apologising? Something wrong here I think, and I don't mean your behaviour.

throckenholt · 19/04/2006 09:37

if DP won't talk to you about it then write it all down for him,

We are just friends, I like him because I have known him a long time but I love DP and he's the one for me, well thats the way I feel. I know I have ruined everything and am totally at a loss what to do now.

Explain why you never mentioned it - if the violence and possessiveness is an issue then now is a good time to deal with it all.

There should not be a rule that you can't have friends, even men friends, and you should not have to be secretive about it.

You need to have a calm and frank talk with your DP and set some ground rules that you are both happy with.

throckenholt · 19/04/2006 09:39

oh - and mail your friend and say please not to contact you for the time being as DP has got the wrong ned of the stick and things are rocky at the moment. If he is a friend he will respect your request, and hopefully when things are sorted out with DP you can resume the friendship - and maybe include DP as well.

Original poster
computersaysno · 19/04/2006 10:23

Thanks for all your replies....am really grateful.

Sleepyjess - we had a talk this morning briefly as we both didn't sleep last night, DP is still very angry and hurt he just doesn't understand why I felt the need to lie, I told him it was because of the way he is, he's not violent unless has been drinking but is very possessive of me, I said I have known this guy a long time and he was just telling me his relationship problems etc etc and we just became friends, he still sees it as betrayal especially as I agreed to meet the guy on Friday, he just thinks there is more to it than I am telling and it does look that way but for me it is just friends. He is coming home tonight but thats purely for the kids as little DD was so hysterical last night as she hasn't spent one night without her Daddy in all her life Sad

Lemonstartree- not so much violent to me but has a violent personality when drunk and does scare me with it.

Trouble is this morning he told me that he's been to this guy's house and told his wife and she has thrown him out too - all over a friendship, admittedly a secret one but surely not bad enough to ruin innocent children's lives (he has two kids same as me and is also a good dad).

Throckenholt - hopefully we are going to talk tonight, just not sure what I can say to make it right, it looks very dodgy and I can understand how he feels, I would have thrown him out if it was the other way around.

OP posts:
throckenholt · 19/04/2006 10:57

write it all down - give it to DP - say read it , and think about it, and we will talk in an hours time when you have had time to digest it.

That way you won't get into an argument before he has read half of it, and gives him time to think about his reaction.

Hope things work out for you.

And I would write a letter to the friend's wife - saying your side and that it is totally platonic, and wish them the best.

shimmy21 · 19/04/2006 11:12

This is perhaps harsh but...

do you really want to be with a man who is a violent drunk and scares you?

is it really good for you to be with a man so possessive and jealous that you feel you have to lie to him about friendships?

What your dh is saying to you is that he doesn't trust you. So is that a good relationship to be in?

If I were you I think I'd start by saying OK this happened. Either deal with it and the issues that made it happen in the first place (jealousy etc) or carry out your threat to leave and go.

You don't need someone who makes you feel so guilty and scared in your life. Even if you think you can't manage without him if he carries out his threats to leave you will have to. He is playing a game so that you beg him to stay. Call his bluff and open the door for him.

Tortington · 19/04/2006 11:35

god, this is harsher.

i think in your dps situatio i would feel exactly the same.

now its about damage limitation. is there any hope for your mariage?

btw i have a male friend i talk to over the internet but my dh knows about him and always has. theres nowt funny going on and we have been friends for over 5 years.

NotActuallyAMum · 19/04/2006 11:35

I agree with Shimmy

I used to live with someone who I was scared of and it wasn't until after I left him that I realised I shouldn't have stayed with him as long as I did. No children involved though so nowhere near as hard a thing to do for me

Original poster
computersaysno · 19/04/2006 12:06

The possessive part is just another issue, not one I feel able to deal with right now. I am trying to think of my kids and how they feel, I don't want them to be without their Dad.

The trouble is because me and this guy went out together in high school his wife doesn't like me very much anyway, I think she has always seen me as a threat. I don't feel in anyway romantically inclined towards this guy, just mates, I love my DP and I just hope he can see it within himself to put this behind us.

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